Author Topic: over-involved SIL  (Read 4512 times)

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Jenny13

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over-involved SIL
« on: January 04, 2011, 02:24:01 PM »
BG: My sister in law is my SIL twice.  She is married to my brother and I am newly married to hers  ;D sorta strange..i know!  Anyway, my brother and SIL have had marrital problems for as many years as I can remember and apparently thinks my DH and I do as well.  Most of the problems stem from issues between the two familys (funny how my family and DH's family got along fine for our wedding) I  think it's personal issues between SIL and my brother and them blaming each other's family for their issues, but whatever. The other day I was conversing with my SIL and other SIL when I said that when DH and I have kids rather then having a big party for both family's we may think about doing two seperate get togethers so to give each family equal amount of time with our children.  When I said this it was just something that I was thinking about and certainly not concrete.

Issue: last night my DH say's to me "oh, by the way what's up with the whole seperate birthday party deal"?  I was immediatly annoyed because for 1) DH was right there (but didn't hear me), 2) it certainly is not concrete and just something that I threw out there, and 3) not my SIL'S buisness to question DH regarding our marital decisions.  Am I wrong for being annoyed? This is not the first time she's done something like this (i.e. talking about things that I say to my DH behind my back). I know the question will arise "what does DH think"? He's behind me and pretty much said when I showed annoyance "well, it's our marriage, and you know how she is" but seriously I'm super annoyed!  >:(
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rashea

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Re: over-involved SIL
« Reply #1 on: January 04, 2011, 02:46:36 PM »
Maybe I'm confused.

You were talking about having separate parties for your hypothetical kids someday with two SILs.

Later, one of them brought it up again while your DH was around.

I'm not sure I get what she did that was so horrible. I would think it would be odd for you to not have discussed this with your DH before discussing it with your SILs. So it's possible she just wanted to get his take on it.
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penelope2017

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Re: over-involved SIL
« Reply #2 on: January 04, 2011, 02:56:43 PM »
I'm sorry you are upset, but maybe take this as a lesson learned. Your SIL has a separate relationship with your husband and a close one as a brother and sister. It isn't the same as if she was a random SIL. It isn't that she's over-involved. She's his sister. You can't necessarily think that she won't talk to your husband about what you say.

Jenny13

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Re: over-involved SIL
« Reply #3 on: January 04, 2011, 02:57:08 PM »
Thats what I get for  not reading through my posts before posting...sorry.  yes, it was general table talk between me and my two SIL'S.  My one SIL is also married to  my brother as I am married to hers and their other sister, my new SIL was there as well.  It was something that DH and I had discussed before, but it was also something we had thrown out in the air in the past, but was just something that I brought up to my SIL'S.  New SIL seemed understanding to my reasoning,  as did older SIL, however, apparently took what I said as concrete (even though I clarified that it wasn't something that both DH and will probably do) and went off to spew her opinion to DH behind my back without expressing her opinion to me first....does that help?
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jmarvellous

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Re: over-involved SIL
« Reply #4 on: January 04, 2011, 02:58:03 PM »
I agree with rashea, but I'm not sure whether we're missing something here that would make you so upset. Going just by what you've said, it sounds like she was just making conversation.

Jenny13

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Re: over-involved SIL
« Reply #5 on: January 04, 2011, 03:03:02 PM »
I'm sorry you are upset, but maybe take this as a lesson learned. Your SIL has a separate relationship with your husband and a close one as a brother and sister. It isn't the same as if she was a random SIL. It isn't that she's over-involved. She's his sister. You can't necessarily think that she won't talk to your husband about what you say.

They aren't as close as you may think.  She's been in my life since I was a small child as well and we are as close as her brother and she is, but it annoys me that she does not speak to me regarding her opinion but would rather dish it behind your back.  Regardless if it was with DH or not.  She does this with everyone (i.e. talk about their other sister to DH or vice versus regarding her un-needed opinions). 
"How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down Before He Admits Hes lost"?

What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

Jenny13

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Re: over-involved SIL
« Reply #6 on: January 04, 2011, 03:05:05 PM »
I agree with rashea, but I'm not sure whether we're missing something here that would make you so upset. Going just by what you've said, it sounds like she was just making conversation.

I guess it's one of those things where you just need to know her to understand.... ::)
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Master_Edward

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Re: over-involved SIL
« Reply #7 on: January 04, 2011, 06:10:13 PM »
You and your husband need to lay down some boundaries. And make it clear to her whether or not she's your husband's sister when it comes to your marriage and your family she needs to butt out. Clearly how you decide to celebrate your yet-to-be-born children's birthdays is none of her business. She sounds like a nosy busybody and I wouldn't tell her much of anything if I were you.

Ed.

Hanna

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Re: over-involved SIL
« Reply #8 on: January 04, 2011, 06:30:14 PM »
I understand.  I've noticed many people don't have much to talk about with others, so you have to watch what you say to them because no matter how tiny, it's probably going to get repeated and made into a BIG DEAL.

I'd say limit your conversations with her to events and ideas. 

rashea

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Re: over-involved SIL
« Reply #9 on: January 05, 2011, 07:52:08 AM »
If it's something you want to talk to her about, but don't want her to talk to others about, tell her. Then see if it works. Start with something little like this where if she slips it's not that big a deal. Then see if that improves things.
"Manners change, principles don't. It's about treating people with consideration, respect and honesty." Peter Post

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boxy

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Re: over-involved SIL
« Reply #10 on: January 05, 2011, 09:29:58 AM »
The part about your DH being there and not hearing you struck a chord as it's happened to me.  Evidently this is very common because there was a TV show where a psychiatrist was explaining that men actually hear different than women.  He explained how our brains are different and that sometimes men, unintentionally, tune out or refocus on something they perceive as needing immediate attention.  I'm not sure I'm explaining this very well (thus proving I'm not a professional), but it was very interesting.  It actually helped me realize the times I speak and my husband doesn't hear or answer are the times when I need to see what he's paying attention to.  Strangely, this simple realization has helped our relationship because I'm not dogging him for not listening.  Anyway, hope this helps.
« Last Edit: January 05, 2011, 09:31:39 AM by boxy »

Dindrane

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Re: over-involved SIL
« Reply #11 on: January 05, 2011, 09:42:37 AM »
<snip>
The other day I was conversing with my SIL and other SIL when I said that when DH and I have kids rather then having a big party for both family's we may think about doing two seperate get togethers so to give each family equal amount of time with our children.  When I said this it was just something that I was thinking about and certainly not concrete.

Issue: last night my DH say's to me "oh, by the way what's up with the whole seperate birthday party deal"?  I was immediatly annoyed because for 1) DH was right there (but didn't hear me), 2) it certainly is not concrete and just something that I threw out there, and 3) not my SIL'S buisness to question DH regarding our marital decisions.  Am I wrong for being annoyed? This is not the first time she's done something like this (i.e. talking about things that I say to my DH behind my back). I know the question will arise "what does DH think"? He's behind me and pretty much said when I showed annoyance "well, it's our marriage, and you know how she is" but seriously I'm super annoyed!  >:(

I'm still not entirely sure I understand what happened.  I think part of what might be confusing the issue is that you're talking about two SILs!  Would it be possible for you to give them fake names?  Say your double-SIL is Jane and her sister is Susan?

As far as I can tell from what you've posted, though (this and your clarifications later), you mentioned something offhand to your SILs.  One or both of them at least mentioned it to your DH.  Then your DH asks you about it.

Perhaps I'm wrong, but it sounds like this is a situation where you shared a piece of information that you probably shouldn't have shared at that time.  Saying something like, "We think we may do X," is very often interpreted by others as, "We've nearly decided to do X, but we want to gauge opinions before we actually say we're going to do it."  So presumably, your SILs shared their opinions with you at the time, and then wanted to ask your husband about it.

But if you and your DH hadn't actually decided that was a firm possibility, then you really shouldn't have brought it up.  I'll go even a step further and say that you brought it up prematurely no matter what you decided, because you do not yet have any children.

I guess what I'm saying is that you know your SIL is going to talk to your DH.  It's not unreasonable for her to do this, as they are siblings.  I don't think it's "dishing" unless she's doing it with an intent to make you feel bad.  Some families spread information about each other in just exactly this way, and it's not inherently wrong.  If you don't like it, the easiest and best way to stop it is to just not give them information you don't want everyone to know.


Hanna

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Re: over-involved SIL
« Reply #12 on: January 05, 2011, 12:30:45 PM »
I can't even begin to understand how that is a controversial topic that needs to be avoided, though.  Well... wait....
This SIL is a member of both families, so potentially separate b-day parties for each could get complicated for her, her DH and their kids.  Which one to attend? 

I'd just let him tell her it was simply an idea you two were throwing around, and that's something that isn't in the near future.

Dindrane

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Re: over-involved SIL
« Reply #13 on: January 05, 2011, 12:37:49 PM »
I can't even begin to understand how that is a controversial topic that needs to be avoided, though.  Well... wait....
This SIL is a member of both families, so potentially separate b-day parties for each could get complicated for her, her DH and their kids.  Which one to attend? 

I'd just let him tell her it was simply an idea you two were throwing around, and that's something that isn't in the near future.

Hanna, were you responding to my post?  I can't quite tell, but I have more to say if you are. :)  If not, it's probably not terribly relevant. ;)

And I agree that separate birthday parties for the OP's SIL could be tricky, because she is a member of both families.


evely28

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Re: over-involved SIL
« Reply #14 on: January 05, 2011, 01:23:54 PM »
Does this SIL have children? I know I used to get quite annoyed with talk about hypothetical children as I would witness so many times the Kaboom of theory meeting reality plus it can come across as a bit of upmenship.