Surprise! You're at my wedding!

[MyFamily]

I have no problem with this.  A couple could easily go to a JP, get married with strangers as their witnesses and then have a party where they announce their surprise wedding, turning the party into a reception.  Instead, they do the ceremony in front of their friends and family.  They could be doing this because too many people have opinions on how their wedding should be; they could be doing this because there is someone they don't want to know about their wedding until after it happens and this way they are not asking their guests to potentially lie to that person (or people in the case of the press); or they could be doing this because it is their dream wedding.  But I don't think it is deceptive. 

[Lisbeth]

I would not be thrilled if it were a close friend or family member.  I guess part of it is that I would be bothered by deception as a lead-in to vows where you are asking witnesses/friends/family/whomever to believe that you mean what you are saying.  Lying to get me there kinda cheapens the rest IMO.

Pod.  The deception involved takes any joy out of the "surprise" for me.  I might have accepted an invitation for a casual get-together that's supposed to help me relax-not to attend a wedding, which even at its least formal would not do this for me.

[Lisbeth]

I have no problem with this.  A couple could easily go to a JP, get married with strangers as their witnesses and then have a party where they announce their surprise wedding, turning the party into a reception.  Instead, they do the ceremony in front of their friends and family.  They could be doing this because too many people have opinions on how their wedding should be; they could be doing this because there is someone they don't want to know about their wedding until after it happens and this way they are not asking their guests to potentially lie to that person (or people in the case of the press); or they could be doing this because it is their dream wedding.  But I don't think it is deceptive. 

Whatever the motivations of the couple, I think that it is deceptive to invite other people to a surprise wedding.

Me, for example, I don't like to attend weddings to begin with, so I don't want to be surprised into attending one-regardless of how "informal" and "intimate" it's supposed to be.  I can barely take going to weddings in my family-so I would really not appreciate this.  It calls for an emotional response from the guests that they just may not be able to give on the spot-essentially on command.

[jmarvellous]

What emotional response, KeenReader? Just smile and say "congratulations" sincerely or insincerely and your obligation as a guest is done, I think.

I can relate to you in that I wouldn't really know how to react to a wedding I deliberately would not have wanted to attend under other circumstances, but I don't think that there's one proscribed reaction to nuptials in any case, surprise or no. In other words, don't be too hard on yourself in terms of feeling the 'right' way.

[Ms_Shell]

I honestly don't know how I'd feel as a regular person in this situation.  I bet I'd think it was fine if I was a celebrity and was used to paparazzi, stalkers, groupies, etc.  I think It'd be a little weird to have a surprise wedding if you didn't have an actual reason for doing so. 

[flowersintheattic]

I actually thought about it from a different guest POV than someone who came thinking it would be a party and found out it was a wedding - what about the guest who felt okay skipping out on the party, thinking it was no big deal, then found out they missed their friend's wedding? I can see myself being that person and being really irritated.

[Lisbeth]

What emotional response, KeenReader? Just smile and say "congratulations" sincerely or insincerely and your obligation as a guest is done, I think.

The emotional response is internal-having to suppress how I feel about being at a wedding at a time when I had no expectations of being at one.  Even with a loved one's wedding, I need some advance notice to prepare to deal with this kind of response, and with a surprise wedding, I'm not getting one.

Smiling and saying "congratulations" might be the basic requirements of being a guest-but I'd prefer to decide for myself if I'm going to be a wedding guest, and not have that imposed on me.  Add to that that I might have accepted an invitation for a relaxing time, and this is not only not relaxing, but I may well not support the marriage for whatever reason, and I have just become a captive audience to it.  Unfortunately, I think leaving would be too pointed and too unsubtle a way to deal with it and would generate hurt feelings.

So, I'm sorry, but I don't support surprise weddings, regardless of the motivation for it.

[jmarvellous]

Oh, OK. That makes sense. Thank you.

[Jan74]

I actually thought about it from a different guest POV than someone who came thinking it would be a party and found out it was a wedding - what about the guest who felt okay skipping out on the party, thinking it was no big deal, then found out they missed their friend's wedding? I can see myself being that person and being really irritated.

I think it takes the pressure off. It won't be "You couldn't even be there for my weddiiiiiiiing" drama later, so it is cool. If you were free and felt like attending at that time, you did attend; if you were busy/tired etc., you didn't have to. Not to mention it has none of that "must get a gift from the registry" insanity, or even the worst one "that pays for the cost of my plate". It doesn't matter that we all agree that is rude, tons of couples still think like that. The surprise wedding is great cause it is the opposite of that Bridezilla, dress code, must pay for my plate stress.

[Judah]

I think it takes the pressure off. It won't be "You couldn't even be there for my weddiiiiiiiing" drama later, so it is cool. If you were free and felt like attending at that time, you did attend; if you were busy/tired etc., you didn't have to. Not to mention it has none of that "must get a gift from the registry" insanity, or even the worst one "that pays for the cost of my plate". It doesn't matter that we all agree that is rude, tons of couples still think like that. The surprise wedding is great cause it is the opposite of that Bridezilla, dress code, must pay for my plate stress.

I agree and I think it sounds like fun. 

[Sharnita]

I think it takes the pressure off. It won't be "You couldn't even be there for my weddiiiiiiiing" drama later, so it is cool. If you were free and felt like attending at that time, you did attend; if you were busy/tired etc., you didn't have to. Not to mention it has none of that "must get a gift from the registry" insanity, or even the worst one "that pays for the cost of my plate". It doesn't matter that we all agree that is rude, tons of couples still think like that. The surprise wedding is great cause it is the opposite of that Bridezilla, dress code, must pay for my plate stress.

I agree and I think it sounds like fun. 

I think hte point is that if oyu are invited to Valerie's BBQ you might say "I love Valerie but I am a little tired so I'll pass on this one and go to her next BBQ."  The problem is that you'd love to be there fir her weeding but there won't be a "next" wedding (hopefully).

[Lisbeth]

I think it takes the pressure off. It won't be "You couldn't even be there for my weddiiiiiiiing" drama later, so it is cool. If you were free and felt like attending at that time, you did attend; if you were busy/tired etc., you didn't have to. Not to mention it has none of that "must get a gift from the registry" insanity, or even the worst one "that pays for the cost of my plate". It doesn't matter that we all agree that is rude, tons of couples still think like that. The surprise wedding is great cause it is the opposite of that Bridezilla, dress code, must pay for my plate stress.

I agree and I think it sounds like fun.  

I think hte point is that if oyu are invited to Valerie's BBQ you might say "I love Valerie but I am a little tired so I'll pass on this one and go to her next BBQ."  The problem is that you'd love to be there fir her weeding but there won't be a "next" wedding (hopefully).

Pod.  Not only that, but if couples want pressure-free weddings, "surprise weddings" aren't their only option.  City Hall, Vegas, and eloping are options that also do this without inviting other people.

[Bethalize]

I don't think surprise weddings are rude. I think they are lovely. I nearly had one. DH and I thought we could ask everyone to a 10-year anniversary party. It would be a big formal event and obviously important to us. At the party DH would announce that I had agreed to become his wife [cue applause]. Then he would say "Please follow us to the church next door where we will be married."

The thing that I liked about this idea was that everyone who loved us and was involved with our life would make the effort to be there. Everyone who would only take part in our life events for the biggest ones i.e. weddings and funerals wouldn't feel obliged to attend.

That's not at all the same thing as a casual barbecue and then springing a surprise wedding.

[Jan74]

I think it takes the pressure off. It won't be "You couldn't even be there for my weddiiiiiiiing" drama later, so it is cool. If you were free and felt like attending at that time, you did attend; if you were busy/tired etc., you didn't have to. Not to mention it has none of that "must get a gift from the registry" insanity, or even the worst one "that pays for the cost of my plate". It doesn't matter that we all agree that is rude, tons of couples still think like that. The surprise wedding is great cause it is the opposite of that Bridezilla, dress code, must pay for my plate stress.

I agree and I think it sounds like fun.  

I think hte point is that if oyu are invited to Valerie's BBQ you might say "I love Valerie but I am a little tired so I'll pass on this one and go to her next BBQ."  The problem is that you'd love to be there fir her weeding but there won't be a "next" wedding (hopefully).

Pod.  Not only that, but if couples want pressure-free weddings, "surprise weddings" aren't their only option.  City Hall, Vegas, and eloping are options that also do this without inviting other people.

I had a City Hall wedding, but I don't have a lot of friends. If I were the life of the party or liked my family at all, I'd probably not have been happy with getting married with 78 lovely strangers, and no friends or family there. So I think the surprise thing is a good idea for those people.

[Jan74]

I don't think surprise weddings are rude. I think they are lovely. I nearly had one. DH and I thought we could ask everyone to a 10-year anniversary party. It would be a big formal event and obviously important to us. At the party DH would announce that I had agreed to become his wife [cue applause]. Then he would say "Please follow us to the church next door where we will be married."

The thing that I liked about this idea was that everyone who loved us and was involved with our life would make the effort to be there. Everyone who would only take part in our life events for the biggest ones i.e. weddings and funerals wouldn't feel obliged to attend.

That's not at all the same thing as a casual barbecue and then springing a surprise wedding.

Yes. The people who said "Engagement Party" pretty much told you it was important already, for ex. They just didn't force their friends to be part of the bridal party, plan events before the wedding, stick to a dress code, or buy them gifts.