Surprise! You're at my wedding!

[Lisbeth]

I think it takes the pressure off. It won't be "You couldn't even be there for my weddiiiiiiiing" drama later, so it is cool. If you were free and felt like attending at that time, you did attend; if you were busy/tired etc., you didn't have to. Not to mention it has none of that "must get a gift from the registry" insanity, or even the worst one "that pays for the cost of my plate". It doesn't matter that we all agree that is rude, tons of couples still think like that. The surprise wedding is great cause it is the opposite of that Bridezilla, dress code, must pay for my plate stress.

I agree and I think it sounds like fun. 

I think hte point is that if oyu are invited to Valerie's BBQ you might say "I love Valerie but I am a little tired so I'll pass on this one and go to her next BBQ."  The problem is that you'd love to be there fir her weeding but there won't be a "next" wedding (hopefully).

Pod.  Not only that, but if couples want pressure-free weddings, "surprise weddings" aren't their only option.  City Hall, Vegas, and eloping are options that also do this without inviting other people.

I had a City Hall wedding, but I don't have a lot of friends. If I were the life of the party or liked my family at all, I'd probably not have been happy with getting married with 78 lovely strangers, and no friends or family there. So I think the surprise thing is a good idea for those people.

But it's not necessarily good for the guests to find themselves more or less captive witnesses at a wedding-no matter how much they love the couple.

[iridaceae]

I think it takes the pressure off. It won't be "You couldn't even be there for my weddiiiiiiiing" drama later, so it is cool. If you were free and felt like attending at that time, you did attend; if you were busy/tired etc., you didn't have to. Not to mention it has none of that "must get a gift from the registry" insanity, or even the worst one "that pays for the cost of my plate". It doesn't matter that we all agree that is rude, tons of couples still think like that. The surprise wedding is great cause it is the opposite of that Bridezilla, dress code, must pay for my plate stress.

I agree and I think it sounds like fun. 

I think hte point is that if oyu are invited to Valerie's BBQ you might say "I love Valerie but I am a little tired so I'll pass on this one and go to her next BBQ."  The problem is that you'd love to be there fir her weeding but there won't be a "next" wedding (hopefully).

Pod.  Not only that, but if couples want pressure-free weddings, "surprise weddings" aren't their only option.  City Hall, Vegas, and eloping are options that also do this without inviting other people.

I had a City Hall wedding, but I don't have a lot of friends. If I were the life of the party or liked my family at all, I'd probably not have been happy with getting married with 78 lovely strangers, and no friends or family there. So I think the surprise thing is a good idea for those people.

But it's not necessarily good for the guests to find themselves more or less captive witnesses at a wedding-no matter how much they love the couple.

I'm not sure how I feel about the phrase "captive witnesses"; you are perfectly free to make yourself scarce or even leave.

[Lisbeth]

I think it takes the pressure off. It won't be "You couldn't even be there for my weddiiiiiiiing" drama later, so it is cool. If you were free and felt like attending at that time, you did attend; if you were busy/tired etc., you didn't have to. Not to mention it has none of that "must get a gift from the registry" insanity, or even the worst one "that pays for the cost of my plate". It doesn't matter that we all agree that is rude, tons of couples still think like that. The surprise wedding is great cause it is the opposite of that Bridezilla, dress code, must pay for my plate stress.

I agree and I think it sounds like fun. 

I think hte point is that if oyu are invited to Valerie's BBQ you might say "I love Valerie but I am a little tired so I'll pass on this one and go to her next BBQ."  The problem is that you'd love to be there fir her weeding but there won't be a "next" wedding (hopefully).

Pod.  Not only that, but if couples want pressure-free weddings, "surprise weddings" aren't their only option.  City Hall, Vegas, and eloping are options that also do this without inviting other people.

I had a City Hall wedding, but I don't have a lot of friends. If I were the life of the party or liked my family at all, I'd probably not have been happy with getting married with 78 lovely strangers, and no friends or family there. So I think the surprise thing is a good idea for those people.

But it's not necessarily good for the guests to find themselves more or less captive witnesses at a wedding-no matter how much they love the couple.

I'm not sure how I feel about the phrase "captive witnesses"; you are perfectly free to make yourself scarce or even leave.

Unfortunately, for many people they feel that they can't do that without seriously damaging their relationships with the couple.  I know I wouldn't be "perfectly free to make myself scarce or even leave" a surprise wedding by one of my relatives while coming out unscathed.

So I stand by my use of the phrase "captive witnesses" for such situations.  The couple is so wrapped up in saving themselves from "pressure" and "trouble" that they don't think to do the same for the people they ask to come without mentioning the real nature of the occasion.

[MaggieB]

I don't think surprise weddings are rude.  I would love to find that my friends were having a low key affair where I didn't have to worry about dressing up (presumably I'd be dressed for a barbecue) or attending several wedding related partied leading up to the big day or buying gifts for each party, etc.  I think there's something nice about saying "we don't want the fanfare, we just want to be married, so here we go."  I know surprise weddings are not the only way to accomplish that, but it's a viable option if you really do want family and friends there. 

And the "deceit" involved wouldn't make me question the seriousness of their vows at all.  I wouldn't question a good friend's character because she had to fib about the surprise party she was planning for me. 

One time I didn't like it:  I read a story about a celebrity couple (I think it was Brad Paisley and Kimberly Williams) who got surprise married at their rehearsal dinner to avoid paparazzi ruining their wedding the next day.  I felt bad for the people who would be showing up the next day expecting a wedding to find out that it had happened earlier with only the most important guests.  They still threw a big party for those people, but it wasn't the wedding they were expecting.

[Winterlight]

So long as they don't decide to throw a BWW a year later, I have no objections.

[Jan74]

So I stand by my use of the phrase "captive witnesses" for such situations.  The couple is so wrapped up in saving themselves from "pressure" and "trouble" that they don't think to do the same for the people they ask to come without mentioning the real nature of the occasion.

They save the guests pressure too. Pressure from attending pre-wedding events, from buying a gift from a registry in a certain value, or a gift at all, pressure to stop life so one can attend the wedding, and pressure from following a specific dress code.

[Judah]

I think it takes the pressure off. It won't be "You couldn't even be there for my weddiiiiiiiing" drama later, so it is cool. If you were free and felt like attending at that time, you did attend; if you were busy/tired etc., you didn't have to. Not to mention it has none of that "must get a gift from the registry" insanity, or even the worst one "that pays for the cost of my plate". It doesn't matter that we all agree that is rude, tons of couples still think like that. The surprise wedding is great cause it is the opposite of that Bridezilla, dress code, must pay for my plate stress.

I agree and I think it sounds like fun.  

I think hte point is that if oyu are invited to Valerie's BBQ you might say "I love Valerie but I am a little tired so I'll pass on this one and go to her next BBQ."  The problem is that you'd love to be there fir her weeding but there won't be a "next" wedding (hopefully).

Pod.  Not only that, but if couples want pressure-free weddings, "surprise weddings" aren't their only option.  City Hall, Vegas, and eloping are options that also do this without inviting other people.

Of course there are lots of different options, but I think this one sounds like fun.

[veryfluffy]

I think if someone throws a "surprise wedding", it's because they don't think weddings are such a big deal. They just want to get married, and they want some of their besties around when they do it. In general, these things, when they are done, aren't "weddings" with all the weddingy accroutrements and paraphernalia. They tend to be arranged as get-togethers, which happen to have a little ceremony thrown in, with no expectations on the demands or guests other than to be happy for the couple. And usually, only people they know well and who they know will be happy for them would be there. I don't see how it is rude, any more than simply announcing an engagement at a dinner party is rude, or telling people that, by the way, you got married last week.

[flowersintheattic]

I think it takes the pressure off. It won't be "You couldn't even be there for my weddiiiiiiiing" drama later, so it is cool. If you were free and felt like attending at that time, you did attend; if you were busy/tired etc., you didn't have to. Not to mention it has none of that "must get a gift from the registry" insanity, or even the worst one "that pays for the cost of my plate". It doesn't matter that we all agree that is rude, tons of couples still think like that. The surprise wedding is great cause it is the opposite of that Bridezilla, dress code, must pay for my plate stress.

I agree and I think it sounds like fun. 

I think hte point is that if oyu are invited to Valerie's BBQ you might say "I love Valerie but I am a little tired so I'll pass on this one and go to her next BBQ."  The problem is that you'd love to be there fir her weeding but there won't be a "next" wedding (hopefully).

This is exactly what I meant. It doesn't really make the surprise wedding rude, but I think it's something the HC should take into consideration.

[TeamBhakta]

I don't have a problem with it. Brad Paisley & Kimberly Williams' surprise wedding was one of my celebrity favorites.

[Bethalize]

I thought of something else.

With all due respect to the 86 of our closest friends and relations who were at our wedding, it didn't actually matter if they were there or not. The important thing was that DH and I were there. It was nice to have them there but it wasn't compulsory.

[Lisbeth]

I think it takes the pressure off. It won't be "You couldn't even be there for my weddiiiiiiiing" drama later, so it is cool. If you were free and felt like attending at that time, you did attend; if you were busy/tired etc., you didn't have to. Not to mention it has none of that "must get a gift from the registry" insanity, or even the worst one "that pays for the cost of my plate". It doesn't matter that we all agree that is rude, tons of couples still think like that. The surprise wedding is great cause it is the opposite of that Bridezilla, dress code, must pay for my plate stress.

I agree and I think it sounds like fun.  

I think hte point is that if oyu are invited to Valerie's BBQ you might say "I love Valerie but I am a little tired so I'll pass on this one and go to her next BBQ."  The problem is that you'd love to be there fir her weeding but there won't be a "next" wedding (hopefully).

Pod.  Not only that, but if couples want pressure-free weddings, "surprise weddings" aren't their only option.  City Hall, Vegas, and eloping are options that also do this without inviting other people.

Of course there are lots of different options, but I think this one sounds like fun.

It seems like fun because you're not seeing it from the perspective of someone who might not want to attend a "surprise wedding."  

I wouldn't want to be surprised into attending one of my siblings' weddings; nor would I do that to them.  We talk a lot here about "seeing the look on X's face," but I wouldn't want to see the look on my parents' and siblings' faces if I were to do this.  They'd all be very, very upset about being manipulated and used-and they wouldn't be wishing me well.  I'd rather include them, even if it involves a certain amount of planning and "pressure."

It really makes me wonder how far ahead couples who do this have thought the impact through on their relationships with the people they "surprise" with this.

[DangerMouth]

I'm really surprized that anyone would take exception to this (aside from the 'I would have dressed better' issue).

If you aren't a good enough friend to wish me well at my wedding, then what the HECK are you doing at my party, eating my BBQ?!?

I don't understand people who like me enough to come to a party, but would be horrified to come to my impromtu wedding.

[cass2591]

Deleted.

[DangerMouth]

That last line--not nice, and rather snarky, don't you think?

I apologize, I re-wrote it.