Surprise! You're at my wedding!

[Judah]

It seems like fun because you're not seeing it from the perspective of someone who might not want to attend a "surprise wedding."  

You're right. I'm seeing from my own perspective, knowing that my friends and family would get a kick out of such a surprise.  Your family wouldn't like it, and that's fine, but mine would, that's fine too.

[Sharnita]

Think of it that they are horrified to be deceived rather than horrified to be at your impromptu wedding.

[Bob Ducca]

I think it is very much a "know your audience" thing.  I think a surprise party or shower (in which all of the guests know but the guest of honor does not) is ruder than a surprise wedding (in which the hosts/guests of honor know and the guests do not).

One person's "deception" is another's "pleasant surprise."  I really think this is a matter of perspective, not an absolute right or wrong.

[DangerMouth]

I think it is very much a "know your audience" thing.  I think a surprise party or shower (in which all of the guests know but the guest of honor does not) is ruder than a surprise wedding (in which the hosts/guests of honor know and the guests do not).

One person's "deception" is another's "pleasant surprise."  I really think this is a matter of perspective, not an absolute right or wrong.

This is a good point. "Deception" makes it sound like someone else had a right to know and you deliberately deceived them. And I just can't imagine that anyone has a 'right' to know your news until you tell them (unless it's the groom, of course )

[Lisbeth]

There's still a problem with that argument.  I think that as a guest, I do have the right to decide for myself if I want to be a wedding guest. I have the right to know in advance if that's expected of me, regardless of the nature of the wedding.  If you want to keep your wedding a secret, fine.  However, I don't like "surprises" and prefer not to be "surprised" for someone else's benefit. And I think I have that right.

[DangerMouth]

There's still a problem with that argument.  I think that as a guest, I do have the right to decide for myself if I want to be a wedding guest. I have the right to know in advance if that's expected of me, regardless of the nature of the wedding.  If you want to keep your wedding a secret, fine.  However, I don't like "surprises" and prefer not to be "surprised" for someone else's benefit. And I think I have that right.

I can't disagree with you, I just don't get it.

ETA: I mean rather, I do disagree with you, but I can't argue about the way you feel.

[penelope2017]

There's still a problem with that argument.  I think that as a guest, I do have the right to decide for myself if I want to be a wedding guest. I have the right to know in advance if that's expected of me, regardless of the nature of the wedding.  If you want to keep your wedding a secret, fine.  However, I don't like "surprises" and prefer not to be "surprised" for someone else's benefit. And I think I have that right.

I can't disagree with you, I just don't get it.

ETA: I mean rather, I do disagree with you, but I can't argue about the way you feel.

I don't either. Is it specifically a wedding that bothers you? Or if someone announced it was their birthday celebration after arrival to avoid the obligation for guest to bring gifts - is that also objectionable to you?

[Sharnita]

There's still a problem with that argument.  I think that as a guest, I do have the right to decide for myself if I want to be a wedding guest. I have the right to know in advance if that's expected of me, regardless of the nature of the wedding.  If you want to keep your wedding a secret, fine.  However, I don't like "surprises" and prefer not to be "surprised" for someone else's benefit. And I think I have that right.

I can't disagree with you, I just don't get it.

ETA: I mean rather, I do disagree with you, but I can't argue about the way you feel.

I don't either. Is it specifically a wedding that bothers you? Or if someone announced it was their birthday celebration after arrival to avoid the obligation for guest to bring gifts - is that also objectionable to you?

I wouldn't be happy to feel tricked regardless.

[Lisbeth]

There's still a problem with that argument.  I think that as a guest, I do have the right to decide for myself if I want to be a wedding guest. I have the right to know in advance if that's expected of me, regardless of the nature of the wedding.  If you want to keep your wedding a secret, fine.  However, I don't like "surprises" and prefer not to be "surprised" for someone else's benefit. And I think I have that right.

I can't disagree with you, I just don't get it.

ETA: I mean rather, I do disagree with you, but I can't argue about the way you feel.

I don't either. Is it specifically a wedding that bothers you? Or if someone announced it was their birthday celebration after arrival to avoid the obligation for guest to bring gifts - is that also objectionable to you?

I wouldn't be happy to feel tricked regardless.

Me neither.  I don't care for "surprise" occasions because there's too much unpredictability in my life as things are.

[Rosey]

DangerMouth, I don't think it's a question of how much you like the happy couple.

For me, I missed my best friend's wedding because she invited me on a trip, I chose to go somewhere else, and only found out afterwards that she was eloping. I was very, very upset with myself for missing her wedding; it doesn't matter that I had no way of knowing that was what I would miss. The end result is still that I missed her wedding.

For many others, there are weddings I would not want to go to. I have a girlfriend who is dating a semi-abusive man. I would not support their marriage, and I would not attend their wedding.

I have family obligations that require me to go to events for an hour or two, but I don't want to go for the whole day.

Especially with a barbecue, I can see myself hearing that it started at 4, deciding to show up at 6 because it's a come-when-you-can type of event, and then arriving either during or right after the surprise ceremony.

[PaddedPaws]

I'd agree it's a "know your audience" kind of thing. If somebody is inviting only their family and initmate friends, they should know their guests well enough to know if it would be a fun and exciting surprise or a nasty shock.

[Sophia]

I'd agree it's a "know your audience" kind of thing. If somebody is inviting only their family and initmate friends, they should know their guests well enough to know if it would be a fun and exciting surprise or a nasty shock.

I agree.  If KeenReader and I were friends in real life, I think I would know the anti-surprise stance and let her in on the secret.  If we were close family, even more so. 

[DangerMouth]

DangerMouth, I don't think it's a question of how much you like the happy couple.

For me, I missed my best friend's wedding because she invited me on a trip, I chose to go somewhere else, and only found out afterwards that she was eloping. I was very, very upset with myself for missing her wedding; it doesn't matter that I had no way of knowing that was what I would miss. The end result is still that I missed her wedding.

For many others, there are weddings I would not want to go to. I have a girlfriend who is dating a semi-abusive man. I would not support their marriage, and I would not attend their wedding.

I have family obligations that require me to go to events for an hour or two, but I don't want to go for the whole day.

Especially with a barbecue, I can see myself hearing that it started at 4, deciding to show up at 6 because it's a come-when-you-can type of event, and then arriving either during or right after the surprise ceremony.

That's a shame. You'd think she would have let you in on the secret when she heard you wouldn't be there

[C0mputerGeek]

Celebrity surprise weddings are a bit different in my book because all the reasons I've seen given for a celebrity surprise wedding is to throw off paparrazi. Julia Roberts did the same thing with her wedding to Danny Moder. IIRC, she scheduled it as a barbeque and then had to admit it was actually a "surprise wedding" when the bulk of her guests opted out.

The benefit of attending Valerie Bertinelli's surprise wedding is that one can enjoy the festivities and not have to worry about the nuptials being interrupted by an intrusive media presence.

[Twirly]

I think no matter how you execute a wedding, be it a BWW, eloping, small JOP affair or a surprise there will always be someone who thinks it was done wrong and maybe even rude. Anything that emotionally charged and incorporating traditions from multiple cultures  is bound to cause a little drama.

I think the best a couple can do is plan the wedding that speaks to them, do their very best to make their guests comfortable and accept that they will be met with some negativity.