Author Topic: Staying silent not working - but don't know what to say!  (Read 9597 times)

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Nellop

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Staying silent not working - but don't know what to say!
« on: January 15, 2011, 12:02:23 PM »
Hello Lovely E-Hellions,

I've been absent from the forums for a while, te reasons for which are below, but find myself in need of etiquette help.

B/G Just before Christmas my fiance left me. We'd had a wedding date, we had vendors and everything was sorted. And then it all came crashing down and I had a total meltdown. In the time between then and now I have discovered just how awesome some of my friends are - I couldn't ask for more from some of them. However, it seems that I have exposed a lot of fairweather friends - happy to be around when things are going well, and more than happy to tell me their problems (this is not a problem, I love my friends and would do anything to help them), but when I needed them they mysteriously disappeared, or continued to tell me all of their problems. Which was not something I could handle, as well as my own.
Most of these I have been able to cut from my life, as I have found that I have wonderful friends who both give and take, and I don't need those who drain me.
However, one friend 'K' is very closely entwined in my main group of close (wonderful) friends, and so I can't avoid her or make a clean cut.
After my engagement broke down I never heard anything from her, other than when she wanted to complain about her boyfriend, or make offhand comments about how much I was overreacting etc etc B/G

So, 'K' got engaged a few nights ago, and she is bombarding me with texts and emails and phone calls asking me about wedding suppliers, venues, all the information I could give her about weddings.  I know that she's excited, I remember the feeling. But there are so many people she can talk to, and I just don't want to talk about it bar offering my congratulations - which I have done.

The subject is still so sore for me, but she is getting so angry at me for not 'being over it already' and jumping every time she tells me to. I have stopped replying to her texts, emails etc, after trying the approach 'Look, I'm happy for you but this is not something I am happy talking about right now.' I'm not sure she'd apprciate me breaking down while I give her photographer details anyway.

But tomorrow there is a party and we are both going to go. I can cope with the obligatory 'oooh' and 'aaah' over the engagement ring, but I can't cope with being hounded for information that makes me want to cry just thinking about it.
I had to find it all out for myself - so I don't see why she can't do the same...
I run the risk of being cast as 'the bad guy', for refusing to help her, but I just don't want to talk about anything to do with weddings, and certainly not to her...

Help!
I tell funny stories and draw terrible drawings:

http://exacerbationofthesituation.blogspot.com

Shoo

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Re: Staying silent not working - but don't know what to say!
« Reply #1 on: January 15, 2011, 12:08:54 PM »
Can you engage your other true friends to act as a force field around you?  Some people to head her off at the pass and keep her away from you?

In addition to that, I see nothing wrong with confronting her (if you can) head on, and informing her of her insensitivity and callousness.  Basically, let her know she is HURTING YOU and you will have no more of it!  She isn't a friend, you know.  So what if she gets offended by the truth?  It would probably benefit you if she did.  Maybe then she'd finally leave you alone.

gramma dishes

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Re: Staying silent not working - but don't know what to say!
« Reply #2 on: January 15, 2011, 12:09:02 PM »
I'm sorry that you're going through this.  I can't believe your friend thinks that "by now" you should be over it!!!!

Frankly, "K" sounds like she has the sensitivity of a fruit fly!  

Hopefully, at the party where there will be other friends, someone will step in for you if necessary and explain gently to her that now is probably not the best time to play the wedding version of 20 Questions.

boxy

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Re: Staying silent not working - but don't know what to say!
« Reply #3 on: January 15, 2011, 03:36:19 PM »
I was trying to think how I would handle this were I in your shoes.  I would be a basket case.

It's absolutely horrible that she told you to get over it.  That's like watching you wreck your car then saying, "hey, I see you standing by the road bleeding but it's not that bad, just roll that car back over and you'll be able to continue on, a little gauze on the wound will help."  I mean what she's saying is ridiculous. 

When you see her next can you just keep bean dipping?

Nellop

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Re: Staying silent not working - but don't know what to say!
« Reply #4 on: January 15, 2011, 06:00:43 PM »
I am becoming an expert bean-dipper since joining this forum :) I might have to start pulling that trick out of the bag again.
Though 'K' is seriously one track minded, so I'm not sure I can work that for too long.

Good idea on the friend force-field. I have one friend who does that automatically for me, though she's gone to London this week with her gf. I miss her looooooads! Though if I speak to some of my others I'm fairly sure I can sort that out.
I'm hoping that it's going to be a go sized party - at least enough people so I can try my best to avoid 'K'.

Oh believe me, she's come out with some corkers when it comes to what she says. She's one of those people who has no sensitivity when it comes to other people. When she first found out about my ex leaving me she sent me a message which said 'Sorry about (ex), men are so annoying! Here are all the annoying things about my boyfriend....'
She is showing similar restraint when it comes to my friend 'O'. 'O' is my oldest friend (as in I've known her the longest, not that she's old), and we are the closest of friends. We're there for each other, no matter what. O's mum is currently dying of cancer, and so 'O' has started comfort eating. Upon evesdropping on mine and O's conversation 'K' said 'There's no excuse for eating badly. I should know!'
I have also discovered that she's putting it about that I'm jealous of her because her fiance wont leave her.
And yeah, guess what - when I think about it, I am pretty jealous that her fiance is sticking by her - who wouldn't be?! But I have better things to do than worry myself about stuff like that now!

Argh! I'm making myself all angry and worked up again remembering all the classics 'K's come out with... Far too many to go through anyway!
I tell funny stories and draw terrible drawings:

http://exacerbationofthesituation.blogspot.com

DangerMouth

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Re: Staying silent not working - but don't know what to say!
« Reply #5 on: January 15, 2011, 06:21:55 PM »
How about "Oh I tossed all that info, seeing as I wouldn't be needing it. Anyway, doing the research is the fun part. Good luck!"

Deetee

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Re: Staying silent not working - but don't know what to say!
« Reply #6 on: January 15, 2011, 07:36:43 PM »
How about "Oh I tossed all that info, seeing as I wouldn't be needing it. Anyway, doing the research is the fun part. Good luck!"

I like that. Or "Gosh a photographer! Yeah those are hard. I picked a good one but I don't remember his name, maybe James or Fred. No wait! It was woman. Fred did the flowers. or maybe the he was the DJ. He was great so make sure you get Fred the DJ...or maybe it was James?"


Animala

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Re: Staying silent not working - but don't know what to say!
« Reply #7 on: January 15, 2011, 08:19:58 PM »
I like Dangermouth's suggestion.  I don't have a suggestions, but (((hugs))).

MsMarjorie

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Re: Staying silent not working - but don't know what to say!
« Reply #8 on: January 15, 2011, 08:40:41 PM »
How about "Oh I tossed all that info, seeing as I wouldn't be needing it. Anyway, doing the research is the fun part. Good luck!"

POD

I think you should practice saying this ahead of time so you are ready for her and confident.  Use this line in combination with your force field friend to deflect her, and then bean dip, run or refresh your drink.  Good luck and (((hugs))).

Nellop

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Re: Staying silent not working - but don't know what to say!
« Reply #9 on: January 17, 2011, 08:10:07 PM »
I think I am to be cast into the fires of EHell :(

I was good at the start of the party and I just avoided her. She walked over to where I was - I found something interesting elsewhere, or I started a conversation with someone else. She talked to me I would be polite, but before we could get into any sort of conversation I would notice someone waving me over or notice that I needed another drink.

Until the incident with 'O'. I was sat with 'O' and a couple of other friends and 'K' wandered over and started listening to our conversation.
'O's mother has just been moved to a hospice because she is not going to get any better at this point, and now it's a waiting game for O and family. 'O' mentioned that her mother would not be starting chemo, as there wasn't anything it could do and her mother didn't want to go through it. Everyone was giving words of encouragement, and it was fine. Until K decided it was time she said something. Unfortunately she decided that the best thing to say was 'At least you wont have to bury her bald.'

I lost it. I full on lost it. I was a shouting, arms flailing, finger pointing mess.
Sorry guys, but at that moment I saw red.

Cast me into EHell!
I tell funny stories and draw terrible drawings:

http://exacerbationofthesituation.blogspot.com

Nellop

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Re: Staying silent not working - but don't know what to say!
« Reply #10 on: January 17, 2011, 08:11:15 PM »
Oh yeah - and cast 'K' down here with me.
She's not the innocent party!
I tell funny stories and draw terrible drawings:

http://exacerbationofthesituation.blogspot.com

Only me

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Re: Staying silent not working - but don't know what to say!
« Reply #11 on: January 17, 2011, 08:15:06 PM »
Hi Nellop,

Seriously it sounds like you held it as long as you can. My sympathies.

Onlyme

gramma dishes

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Re: Staying silent not working - but don't know what to say!
« Reply #12 on: January 17, 2011, 08:20:26 PM »
Well, Ehell residency is kind of like Monopoly.  There's this "Get Out of Hell" card and I think you just drew that one, so you're free.  Go home. 

Sometimes words just escape and sometimes it's okay.  This would be one of those times where you weren't angry for yourself, but for a friend and that softens the 'rudeness' of it considerably.

And if I were your friend, the one whose Mother is dying, I'd kiss you on the cheek and give you chocolate.

Yvaine

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Re: Staying silent not working - but don't know what to say!
« Reply #13 on: January 17, 2011, 08:21:28 PM »
 :o Wow, sounds like K is an all-purpose insensitive female dog. Pod gramma dishes.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Staying silent not working - but don't know what to say!
« Reply #14 on: January 17, 2011, 09:24:45 PM »
What a- *claps hand over mouth*.   Well I can't blame you at all, Nellop, for losing it, as I know I would have gone beserk too.  K sounds like a female dog and something tells me she might be working on alienating herself from the rest of the group too, with that behavior.

So one consolation I guess is you're not alone in being a target for her rudeness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata