Author Topic: Funerals: Your grief embarasses me, stop it!  (Read 15713 times)

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Hollanda

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Re: Funerals: Your grief embarasses me, stop it!
« Reply #30 on: May 23, 2011, 06:27:25 AM »
Thank you mechtilde, that means a lot. Like I say, even now, I still think about her.

Overt signs of grief do embarrass some people, which I can understand. Unfortunately I am an emotionally forthright person and wear my heart on my sleeve...this could be a good thing or a bad thing!!
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Venus193

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Re: Funerals: Your grief embarasses me, stop it!
« Reply #31 on: May 23, 2011, 08:32:30 AM »

I got home and my mum would not even let me mention her name. She didn't even ask me how I felt, although my red-rimmed eyes from crying would have said a lot.  She just refused to acknowledge I had been to the funeral.  Three days later she called me a hypocrite, saying it was insensitive to her parents for me to have gone as I didn't know her well enough. She said I didn't deserve any friends as I had no idea what was socially acceptable and what was not. I was by this time in tears and she told me that "Jen" was a bad influence on me as she had encouraged me to go to the funeral - well of course we all went, we all supported each other.

Looking back, I am really glad I went to the funeral - it was one of those "growing up" times, when we all realised we weren't kids any more, and it was an experience (albeit a bad one) that we went through and coped with together, as a group of real friends. I feel sad that my mum could not see this the way I can, that she didn't understand the huge range of emotions all of us felt at the time.


This is outrageous.  I know how this feels and I'm glad you can put this in perspective.
« Last Edit: May 23, 2011, 10:32:28 PM by Venus193 »

Elfmama

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Re: Funerals: Your grief embarasses me, stop it!
« Reply #32 on: May 23, 2011, 09:44:24 PM »

I got home and my mum would not even let me mention her name. She didn't even ask me how I felt, although my red-rimmed eyes from crying would have said a lot.  She just refused to acknowledge I had been to the funeral.  Three days later she called me a hypocrite, saying it was insensitive to her parents for me to have gone as I didn't know her well enough. She said I didn't deserve any friends as I had no idea what was socially acceptable and what was not. I was by this time in tears and she told me that "Jen" was a bad influence on me as she had encouraged me to go to the funeral - well of course we all went, we all supported each other.

Looking back, I am really glad I went to the funeral - it was one of those "growing up" times, when we all realised we weren't kids any more, and it was an experience (albeit a bad one) that we went through and coped with together, as a group of real friends. I feel sad that my mum could not see this the way I can, that she didn't understand the huge range of emotions all of us felt at the time.


This is outrageous.  I know how this feels and I'm glad you can put this in perspective.
((hug)) When DD#2 was a teen, one of her friends was murdered.  While I think she wasn't particularly close to that girl, she and her friends were devastated.

I think a death like that, and like Hollanda's, makes it real to young people that you aren't immortal.  That bad things CAN happen to good people.  It's a very hard lesson to learn, and I'm sorry that your mother didn't understand this, Hollanda.  Was she truly as toxic as it sounds, or was she being particularly insensitive that day?
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Hollanda

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Re: Funerals: Your grief embarasses me, stop it!
« Reply #33 on: May 24, 2011, 04:09:01 AM »
I think my mother's issues stem from her inability to cope with real human emotions.  :( I am used to it now, but it smarted when I was young! Although she was very good with me when I was ill, she seemed kind of removed from me most of the time and I just don't think she understood me.  Then again, I am not exactly THE easiest person to understand...!
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SkyTalon

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Re: Funerals: Your grief embarasses me, stop it!
« Reply #34 on: May 24, 2011, 10:52:14 AM »
My mother growing up wasn't as bad as some of these examples, but she was more broad in the scope that she enforced the behavior. It really boils down to that she is obsessed with appearances. She wants to look the part of a good mother, so her son has to be smiling, because a smiling child, is a happy child, right? I did once post before about how I was paranoid at the funeral for my grandmother that if my mother was there (and she NEVER went to anything family related), she'd be snapping at me about how antisocial I was being during the reception.

Beyond funerals, she did really raise me to try and be emotionally dead, I think. Thankfully, I am cursed with being extremely emotional, but it's a chicken and egg sort of thing. I still remember the times she told me I ruined whatever the family outing was because I wasn't smiling, which automatically means I'm in a snit and being a brat. Heck, just typing all this is putting tension on my chest.
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weeblewobble

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Re: Funerals: Your grief embarasses me, stop it!
« Reply #35 on: June 05, 2011, 08:13:12 AM »

I got home and my mum would not even let me mention her name. She didn't even ask me how I felt, although my red-rimmed eyes from crying would have said a lot.  She just refused to acknowledge I had been to the funeral.  Three days later she called me a hypocrite, saying it was insensitive to her parents for me to have gone as I didn't know her well enough. She said I didn't deserve any friends as I had no idea what was socially acceptable and what was not. I was by this time in tears and she told me that "Jen" was a bad influence on me as she had encouraged me to go to the funeral - well of course we all went, we all supported each other.

Looking back, I am really glad I went to the funeral - it was one of those "growing up" times, when we all realised we weren't kids any more, and it was an experience (albeit a bad one) that we went through and coped with together, as a group of real friends. I feel sad that my mum could not see this the way I can, that she didn't understand the huge range of emotions all of us felt at the time.


This is outrageous.  I know how this feels and I'm glad you can put this in perspective.
((hug)) When DD#2 was a teen, one of her friends was murdered.  While I think she wasn't particularly close to that girl, she and her friends were devastated.

I think a death like that, and like Hollanda's, makes it real to young people that you aren't immortal.  That bad things CAN happen to good people.  It's a very hard lesson to learn, and I'm sorry that your mother didn't understand this, Hollanda.  Was she truly as toxic as it sounds, or was she being particularly insensitive that day?



Agreed. When I was in high school, one of our classmates was murdered in a particularly brutal, cruel way by some teens from another nearby school.  I'm from a pretty small town. So the idea that something that awful could happen to someone our age in our town - committed by someone our age-  was absolutely world-changing for us.  Combined with the fact that the victim was a sweet boy who was kind, active in a lot of sports, and had a lot of friends- not someone whose behavior would make him a target. (The boys that killed him admitted they chose him at random.) Even kids who didn't know him at all were devestated. At some level, it offended his friends, because they were obviously hurting more than we could imagine.  But I think, eventually, they understood that ultimately, we were mourning for the innocent outlook we'd all lost.


Hollanda

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Re: Funerals: Your grief embarasses me, stop it!
« Reply #36 on: June 05, 2011, 10:36:17 AM »
There is nothing wrong with crying at any funeral or anything sad. Crying is the way humans show their emotions. If others feel uncomfortable with tears, fine, but that is their issue to get over, not the person who is visibly upset. To EVER tell anyone to stop crying or make them feel uncomfortable for being upset, is wrong!!!! Some people are just more overtly emotional than others. It takes all sorts to make a world. Seeing someone upset usually makes me feel upset...quite often I have ended up crying along with an upset friend...this has the effect of reminding the friend that we all feel, we are all human, we are all ok to cry if it feels right at the time.
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gramma dishes

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Re: Funerals: Your grief embarasses me, stop it!
« Reply #37 on: June 05, 2011, 11:07:36 AM »
DH told me a similar story, except he wasn't a child, he was 20 when his mother died. He started to cry uncontrollably and one of his aunts slapped him across the face and told him to "grow up" and "grown men don't cry".

This story absolutely outrages me!  I'm little and old, but so help me I think if I ever saw anyone do something like that, I'd have had enough adrenaline surging through my blood that I'd have been able to pick her up and hurl her across a room into a wall!

Yeah, I know.  We here on Ehell don't advocate violence.  Just sayin' ...


Bill_P

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Re: Funerals: Your grief embarasses me, stop it!
« Reply #38 on: June 06, 2011, 12:01:58 AM »
DH told me a similar story, except he wasn't a child, he was 20 when his mother died. He started to cry uncontrollably and one of his aunts slapped him across the face and told him to "grow up" and "grown men don't cry".

This story absolutely outrages me!  I'm little and old, but so help me I think if I ever saw anyone do something like that, I'd have had enough adrenaline surging through my blood that I'd have been able to pick her up and hurl her across a room into a wall!

Yeah, I know.  We here on Ehell don't advocate violence.  Just sayin' ...

My mom died when I was 28.  My brother was 36.  I cried in the emergency room when they told us she was dead.  I cried everytime a friend or distant relative called my parent's house to say Merry Christmas (she died suddenly on Christmas Eve of a massive heart attack).  My dad cried all day - I think that was the first time I ever saw him cry my whole life.  My brother however was the stoic one, maintaining the "men don't cry" facade...until the day of the wake, when we first walked into the funeral parlor to see her body laid out, then he finally let it all out.  My nieces were 6, 4 and 3 at the time, only the oldest cried, because she was the only one who truly grasped the full impact of what was going on.  My sister went to pieces, screaming "I lost my best friend!  I have no one now!"  Nobody called her behavior embarrassing.  Our 4 year old niece asked: "How can she say she lost her best friend?  Grammas can't be friends, they can only be grammas!"  That cracked all of us up. 

The original post would almost be comical if it weren't so pathetic and sad.  "How dare you cry at your grandfather's funeral?  Can't you see there are people grieving here?"

boxy

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Re: Funerals: Your grief embarasses me, stop it!
« Reply #39 on: June 06, 2011, 10:01:22 AM »
You don't have to know someone well in order for their death to have a profound effect.  I'm so sorry the OP's mother was so insensitive and I'm shocked reading the posts of what others have endured.

Corbin

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Re: Funerals: Your grief embarasses me, stop it!
« Reply #40 on: June 07, 2011, 10:37:26 AM »
You don't have to know someone well in order for their death to have a profound effect.  I'm so sorry the OP's mother was so insensitive and I'm shocked reading the posts of what others have endured.

POD, esp. to the bolded.
My ambulance partner and I attended the funeral of a patient once. We had never met him until he came into our care.  It was a nasty case, an accident with entrapment, and we worked for hours trying to save him in terrible weather conditions. By the time we had to admit it was over, we were VERY emotionally invested. It was devestating. Fortunatly, the family was kind enough to let us attend, and it helped a lot to be able to see him honored, and to be able to grieve.

Until I moved, I would occasionally run into his mother. She never said anything, but she would always walk up, smile, and pat my arm. Seeing us had to be a painful reminder, but she was always gracious. I wish more people could have that sort of kindness towards others.
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weeblewobble

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Re: Funerals: Your grief embarasses me, stop it!
« Reply #41 on: June 17, 2011, 12:03:48 AM »
DH told me a similar story, except he wasn't a child, he was 20 when his mother died. He started to cry uncontrollably and one of his aunts slapped him across the face and told him to "grow up" and "grown men don't cry". His family was like that though and even to this day he is not good at showing emotions because he was told it was wrong (or slapped for showing them). Whenever he recalls this story I tell him that I believe his aunt was wrong for doing that and there's absolutely nothing wrong with crying at your own mother's funeral.

My uncle, Dad's brother, died when I was 10. It was very unexpected and it was the first "close" death I'd dealt with. I remember feeling like I was in a fog, watching my family go through the funeral planning process. My dad held up really well until the funeral service, where he wept openly.  I had never seen my dad cry before.  He'd teared up a little before, but never wept in front of me. It really drove the point home that this was real, we'd really lost uncle R, and my extended family's life had changed forever.  I think it helped me in the long run.   

JillyJ

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Re: Funerals: Your grief embarasses me, stop it!
« Reply #42 on: June 21, 2011, 03:40:05 PM »
I was 23 when my grandfather died, and was so devasted that at the wake (mourning hours/calling hours/whatever they might be called in various parts of the country/world), I never made it past the front lobby of the funeral home.  Never set foot in the room. Just...couldn't.  I'm sure at age 11, with it sprung on me last second, I would have behaved in a similar manner to the OP.  How horrible.