News: IT'S THE 2ND ANNUAL GUATEMALA LIBRARY PROJECT BOOK DRIVE!    LOOKING FOR DONATIONS OF SCIENCE BOOKS THIS YEAR.    Check it out in the "Extending the Hand of Kindness" folder or here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=139832.msg3372084#msg3372084   

  • December 12, 2017, 12:39:48 PM

Login with username, password and session length

Author Topic: Sick of pregnancy "hints" from MIL  (Read 8433 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

A_Bartlett

  • Guest
Re: Sick of pregnancy "hints" from MIL
« Reply #30 on: January 21, 2011, 02:22:57 AM »
It's just so much more offensive when someone does it to a DIL, isn't it?  It really makes you feel like you're a brood mare, there only to provide their darling son with offspring.  Although, I guess I wouldn't know, since my parents are far too polite to bug me about this kind of thing! (Plus, maybe just smarter - they know that saying stuff like that isn't going to actually encourage me to start having children!)

I just glare at the IL and leave the room.  I don't know how polite that is, but it does seem to be effective (only had to do it twice).

Perfect Circle

  • Member
  • Posts: 3022
  • Birdie in the hand for life's rich demand
Re: Sick of pregnancy "hints" from MIL
« Reply #31 on: January 21, 2011, 03:00:09 AM »
I still don't get how so many people seem to think it's perfectly acceptable to enquire about someone else's reproductivity choices! Whether or not someone chooses to have children and when they might plan to is none of the business of anyone else ever, apart from healthcare professionals possibly.

People make interesting assumptions constantly. I married my first husband in my early twenties and a lot of my relatives would say things like 'and a baby must be now welcome anytime to your family?'. Well, at the time, no. When he passed away, his sisters were consoling me because 'I must have been desperate for a baby for a while and it never happened'. Well, no. He had so many issues that eventully lead to his death that a child would not have been a good idea and I wasn't even thinking about it at the time. I just nodded and smiled and changed the subject.

To my mum's credit, she never asked. All she has ever said was that while she would love to be a grandma, she'd wants us all to be happy with our choices first. In fact, both my sister have at least one child, as do I, so she is a grandmother. But unlike so many other people she's never asked if I'm having another one. Even a vet I took my dog to asked me that. Shocking. And so inappropriate.
There's a secret stigma, reaping wheel.
Diminish, a carnival of sorts.
Chronic town, poster torn, reaping wheel.
Stranger, stranger to these parts.

pwy a wyr

  • Member
  • Posts: 136
Re: Sick of pregnancy "hints" from MIL
« Reply #32 on: January 21, 2011, 04:38:35 AM »
Slightly off topic, but what do you do if someone asks if you're thinking of having children soon and you know they're just making conversation, and they're senior in the organisation than you? So far, I've just said 'no, I've too much going on right now.' But it's starting to get more persistent. I don't want them to think I'm upset or angry, but honestly (and secretly) we've been trying for a while. It didn't bother me before, but now it does. MIL, I can deal with by referring to her daughter (who she thinks is too young, despite being married). But the work bosses, not so much.

StarDrifter

  • Member
  • Posts: 957
  • I never tell people exactly how smart I am
Re: Sick of pregnancy "hints" from MIL
« Reply #33 on: January 21, 2011, 05:05:11 AM »
That's a darn good question pwy a wyr.

In Australia it's considered a BIIIG no-no for 'bosses' to try and discuss something that personal with their employees - I know one girl locally who successfully sued a company for discrimination after they refused to hire her when they found out she was getting married - but the boss in that situation was stupid enough to say "Well you're going to pop out a kid soon so we might as well replace you now." (Yes, he's out of business now).

But if it's someone just making conversation then 'that's an inappropriate topic' seems a little OTT.

Perhaps just a smile and some beandip?
... it might frighten them.
Victoria,

Lisbeth

  • I am a rock, I am an island
  • Member
  • Posts: 29273
  • a/k/a KeenReader
Re: Sick of pregnancy "hints" from MIL
« Reply #34 on: January 21, 2011, 09:17:35 AM »
Slightly off topic, but what do you do if someone asks if you're thinking of having children soon and you know they're just making conversation, and they're senior in the organisation than you? So far, I've just said 'no, I've too much going on right now.' But it's starting to get more persistent. I don't want them to think I'm upset or angry, but honestly (and secretly) we've been trying for a while. It didn't bother me before, but now it does. MIL, I can deal with by referring to her daughter (who she thinks is too young, despite being married). But the work bosses, not so much.

Just respond, "No, I'm not," and if they go on about it, bean-dip or excuse yourself.  If it's your boss who's doing this, bring up something work-related.
I'm away from sanity right now...please leave a message after the beep.
NYC

AdakAK

  • Member
  • Posts: 3451
Re: Sick of pregnancy "hints" from MIL
« Reply #35 on: January 21, 2011, 10:35:55 AM »
Slightly off topic, but what do you do if someone asks if you're thinking of having children soon and you know they're just making conversation, and they're senior in the organisation than you? So far, I've just said 'no, I've too much going on right now.' But it's starting to get more persistent. I don't want them to think I'm upset or angry, but honestly (and secretly) we've been trying for a while. It didn't bother me before, but now it does. MIL, I can deal with by referring to her daughter (who she thinks is too young, despite being married). But the work bosses, not so much.

I am pretty blunt, when I got the 'trying for a girl yet' after our two boys I was honest.  We have been, for a long time, we'd love more boy or girl but it looks like maybe it just won't happen for us.  I was wrong, on both counts, but most people realized they were chewing on their ankle and hopefully rethought asking things like that.  I know not everyone is comfortable with that though.

jayhawk

  • Member
  • Posts: 1297
    • my organizing website
Re: Sick of pregnancy "hints" from MIL
« Reply #36 on: January 21, 2011, 01:39:59 PM »
Slightly off topic, but what do you do if someone asks if you're thinking of having children soon and you know they're just making conversation, and they're senior in the organisation than you? So far, I've just said 'no, I've too much going on right now.' But it's starting to get more persistent. I don't want them to think I'm upset or angry, but honestly (and secretly) we've been trying for a while. It didn't bother me before, but now it does. MIL, I can deal with by referring to her daughter (who she thinks is too young, despite being married). But the work bosses, not so much.

"Why do you keep asking me that?"

WillyNilly

  • Member
  • Posts: 7490
  • Mmmmm, food
    • The World as I Taste It
Re: Sick of pregnancy "hints" from MIL
« Reply #37 on: January 21, 2011, 01:47:00 PM »
One method you can try is next time she brings up you having a baby, immediately jump up and super excitedly exclaim "OMIGOSH OMIGOSH! Really?  Really you're buying us a house.  Wow!  oh my goodness!  Thankyouthankyouthankyou! I can't belive this!  Honey - did you hear?  Your mom is buying us a house*! I can't believe it!"  And when she looks at you like you have 9 heads or even asks what you are talking about, get really serious and a little forlorn "oh.  You're not buying us a house?  Because we have decided we won't even consider getting pregnant until we own a house..."

*you can substitute with "world tour", "safari", "graduate school" or any other outrageously expensive but reasonable life milestone you might want to hit before having kids.

The best part is, if it backfires, it backfires by you getting the outrageously expensive gift... although you'd then be on the hook for producing a kid.

StarDrifter

  • Member
  • Posts: 957
  • I never tell people exactly how smart I am
Re: Sick of pregnancy "hints" from MIL
« Reply #38 on: January 22, 2011, 12:22:53 AM »
Oh, WillyNilly you made me spit sunkist all over my lounge room (I'm reading eHell on the plasma ATM, my monitor died so I'm using HDMI to view eHell on the 52" screen) and I was laughing so hard I woke the cats up!
... it might frighten them.
Victoria,

Carnation

  • Member
  • Posts: 4817
Re: Sick of pregnancy "hints" from MIL
« Reply #39 on: January 22, 2011, 09:03:25 AM »
Then there's the always bland "If we do, you'll be the first to know". :P

Coruscation

  • Member
  • Posts: 1001
Re: Sick of pregnancy "hints" from MIL
« Reply #40 on: January 22, 2011, 03:44:37 PM »
We have to do that cross country move first.

Adding "to get away from my interfering MIL" would probably be rude. Making the move sonds like it might be a good first step though. How excited is this woman going to be if you actually have a baby.

CarolineMae

  • Guest
Re: Sick of pregnancy "hints" from MIL
« Reply #41 on: January 22, 2011, 05:58:33 PM »
I would just use the same phrase each time.
"We don't want to discuss it at this time, thank you, :change subject:"

Or, just ignore it and change the subject immediately.

Carnation

  • Member
  • Posts: 4817
Re: Sick of pregnancy "hints" from MIL
« Reply #42 on: January 22, 2011, 10:02:18 PM »
We have to do that cross country move first.

Adding "to get away from my interfering MIL" would probably be rude. Making the move sonds like it might be a good first step though. How excited is this woman going to be if you actually have a baby.

I'd bet the rent she'd start nagging for a sibling.

laud_shy_girl

  • Member
  • Posts: 285
Re: Sick of pregnancy "hints" from MIL
« Reply #43 on: January 23, 2011, 06:49:22 AM »
My FIL started the day after the wedding.
I tried everything. In the end it was an emotional plee to Step MIL along the lines of: when we do have baby they will be the first to know and that if we had problems it would just make me feel like rubbish. She got him to stop.
3 months later they announced they were pregnant.  :-\. (it was his 5th her 1st)
suggest MIL has her own.  ;D he hasn't mentioned grandkids since and Baby H is so much fun to practice with. 
“For too long, we've assumed that there is a single template for human nature, which is why we diagnose most deviations as disorders. But the reality is that there are many different kinds of minds. And that's a very good thing.” - Jonah Lehrer

Lashley

  • Member
  • Posts: 769
Re: Sick of pregnancy "hints" from MIL
« Reply #44 on: January 23, 2011, 06:24:20 PM »
My future FIL is already making comments about how nice it will be to have grandchildren. As much as I love both my parents and his, I'm SO GLAD we will be living in a different city than both  ;D

A_Bartlett's suggestion is the one I'd employ if he said anything directly, because I probably wouldn't have my wits about me enough to employ WillyNilly's!