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  • September 04, 2015, 05:29:22 AM

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Author Topic: Magic Words  (Read 24122 times)

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Outdoor Girl

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #60 on: July 15, 2015, 12:30:54 PM »
I've used the 'She'll get over it or die mad' line with my BF.  His daughter (adult) is siding with her mother in the separation/divorce process without actually talking to him and getting his side of the story.  And was mad when he hadn't called her.  Since the only number he had for her was the house and he really didn't want to talk to his ex, exactly how was he supposed to do that?  He did risk it on her birthday.  He finally managed to get her cell number and sent her a text.  And it's been *crickets* ever since.  I feel so badly for him.

Though there was one blow-up after that (I wasn't there).  Where she screamed at him that he would never walk her down the aisle.  While he was upset, he told me later, with humour, that one of his first thoughts after that was 'Good!  That means I don't have to pay for it!'  He didn't say that, fortunately.

eHell has taught me a lot.  I entered into this relationship very unsure of whether or not I could be compatible with someone in my space, since I'd been alone so long.  The things I've learned here have helped me communicate with him and discuss things that are bugging me rationally and with minimal emotion so we can hash out a solution that works for both of us.  Sure, there is always compromise, but it's working.  The other big realization is that I can't expect him to just do something without being asked.  He doesn't know my routine.  I learned to just ask him, 'Could you do [this] for me while I do [other thing], please?'
After cleaning out my Dad's house, I have this advice:  If you haven't used it in a year, throw it out!!!!.
Ontario

gellchom

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #61 on: July 15, 2015, 12:37:05 PM »
Problem with me is, this.
 
Person asks me unreasonable, unfeasible request.
Me: Erm, maybe...I don't know...I...I...
Person: Well, look, it's not unreasonable, you're off work anyway.
Me: But I don't have time to do it (more like I don't want to do it, even if I did have time for it).
Person: If you do this for me, you save my life and you're a wonderful person.
 
I end up doing whatever favour and rushing about on my day off work which is supposed to be spent doing Nice Things with DS, and I end up resentful and seething inside towards this person I really, really didn't want to do this thing for.
 
Usually, it's meeting up with my mother who (as you may recall) I have not always had the easiest of relationships with.  This ebbs and flows - sometimes we're great together, sometimes we'd kill each other, but that is the nature of the beast and I have made peace with that.  It is my own lack of spine that drives me mad.
 
I put the phone down and what pops into my head??
 
I am sorry, but that is not possible.
 
I fume with myself, really I do!! The magic words are there, to me...I just never remember them until I don't need the magic any more.   :(

There are no magic words :)  That is the point of this post.  However, you are falling into the trap of JADE'ing.  Just because someone asks you to do something doesn't mean they need answer immediately.   

A better strategy would be to let said person know that you have to check and will get back to them.  And then end the conversation every single time.   so the conversation could look like this:

Person asks Hollanda unreasonable, unfeasible request.
Hollanda: I'll have to check, I'll get back to you
Person: Well, look, it's not unreasonable, you're off work anyway.
Hollanda: I'll have to check, I'll get back to you
Person: If you do this for me, you save my life and you're a wonderful person
Hollanda: I'll have to check, I'll get back to you *hangs up*/*walks away*
This is my favourite delaying tactic [while I go off and search for where I left my spine], and bizarrely if someone pushes is more than a couple of times I find I can sometimes say "you can have a 'no' now, or you can let me check if I can manage to do that; your choice" and have no problems refusing just because they pushed.

Adding another big "thank you" to ArtK2002 for posting this.

This is great, but do make sure that at some point, in fact as promptly as possible, you do get back to them with a clear "no."  If they really do think that you are checking, then they can't make other plans.  I'm not saying not to do this; it may well be easier to get back to them when you can do it by email, text, or message so you don't have to have a conversation about it.  But do be clear and don't leave them hanging or expect them to figure out that you really meant no.

In other words, this is a perfectly reasonable way to deal with someone who won't take no for an answer without arguing about it.  But it's not okay to do this by way of hinting instead of saying no clearly, even if you hate to say no.


RubyCat

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #62 on: July 15, 2015, 08:05:45 PM »
The concept of Magic Words has been life changing for me, as well as "they'll get over it or die mad."  I come from a family that is dysfunctional and difficult. Even so, I still love them. Those two concepts have helped me navigate the uncharted waters of a rel@tionship that includes healthier boundaries. And I'm passing these concepts on to my adult children so that we can do better in the next generation. E-hell (and all of you) have played a huge part in this progress.

Chez Miriam

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #63 on: July 16, 2015, 12:29:27 PM »
This is great, but do make sure that at some point, in fact as promptly as possible, you do get back to them with a clear "no."  If they really do think that you are checking, then they can't make other plans.  I'm not saying not to do this; it may well be easier to get back to them when you can do it by email, text, or message so you don't have to have a conversation about it.  But do be clear and don't leave them hanging or expect them to figure out that you really meant no.

In other words, this is a perfectly reasonable way to deal with someone who won't take no for an answer without arguing about it.  But it's not okay to do this by way of hinting instead of saying no clearly, even if you hate to say no.
Thanks for pointing that out, gellchom. - I should have thought to say that for me it's a girding-my-loins pause rather than what I understand is called ghosting [letting someone eventually work out *you're not interested by *your repeated failure to respond].

I only delay long enough to practise saying "no"/"that will not be possible" a few times [whilst reminding myself not to JADE] - or so that I can phone a reply to a face-to-face invite.  I should have made that clear.

I will put my hand up to phoning people back *even more* promptly if that means I'm sure I'll be speaking to their answering machine; cowardly, but I would hate to leave someone dangling, and it can avoid all sorts of awkward questions.
 ???


*All "you"s are general.
"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well."    - Julian of Norwich

Redneck Gravy

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #64 on: July 27, 2015, 08:56:09 AM »
The "get over it or die mad" is one of my favorites.

Another issue I have is having someone ask why someone else couldn't do whatever they were asked to do...If I ask someone to join a group of us for dinner and they say they are unable, I don't ask why.  Why would I? 

Some others ask what their excuse was, how would I know? I didn't ask for their justification.  (not just for dinner - for playing golf or tennis, attending the theatre/movie, whatever)  Really, it's none of my business, they might offer that they have other plans...but I don't ask for their excuse. Some seem to think there must be justification, I don't, sometimes I just don't want to do "whatever" and I just say I am unable.