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  • April 02, 2015, 03:57:16 AM

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Author Topic: Am I REQUIRED to give a Wedding present?  (Read 2439 times)

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Poppea

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Re: Am I REQUIRED to give a Wedding present?
« Reply #30 on: Yesterday at 07:20:05 PM »
Ok, probably not going to make friends with this comment, but I am currently planning my wedding and honestly I'd be offended if someone I asked to be in my wedding party considered it a "gift". Not that I expect them to give me an actual gift, just that to me it reeks of "you get the honor of my presence in your wedding".


Hmm.  When I was married my invitations stated that my parents "request the honour of your presence".  Its the traditional way to word invitations.  I don't see why that would reek of anything.  Most members of my wedding party gave me lovely gifts.  One of my bridesmaids was a graduate student.  Her presence was gift enough.

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« Last Edit: Yesterday at 07:22:14 PM by Poppea »

Let Them Eat Cake

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Re: Am I REQUIRED to give a Wedding present?
« Reply #31 on: Yesterday at 07:42:34 PM »
Quote
But to be completely honest, if anyone but a very close friend or relative invited me to a potluck wedding reception, I would almost certainly decline to attend. I'm not going to go to that amount of effort for a casual friend or acquaintance, or a relative I don't know very well. And if a close friend or relative invited me to one, I might attend without saying anything, but I might also tell them that their plans were inappropriate for a wedding reception and they'd probably get a lot of people declining to attend as a result.

Agreed! The idea of a potluck wedding makes me cringe-- if nothing else, think of all the food safety hazards. How do you know the bride's great-great-great-great-great aunt's mailman's nephew's grandmother keeps a clean kitchen? *How do you know you're not going to find a finger in the chili?!?!* :o

While I don't think being in the wedding party is a gift (as expensive as it is, it's supposed to be viewed more as an honor than anything else), I think your bringing a dish certainly is one, regardless of what the local traditions might be. Essentially, they're asking you to help cater their wedding for free.

If you feel uncomfortable not bringing more, then find something inexpensive from their registry (or off, if this is a close friend of yours and you have an idea of what they might like, or if the registry stuff is too expensive), but don't spend more than you are 110% comfortable with. It makes me think of that quote that goes, "The best gift is given cheerfully" (or something like that-- that is, don't give a gift you're going to feel resentful about later).
"Jan, a real friend likes you for who you are, not what's on your face. If you judge your friends for passing judgment on you, you're not only judging yourself you're judging your friends for judging you. And that would be using bad judgment." - Mike Brady, The Brady Bunch Movie

TootsNYC

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Re: Am I REQUIRED to give a Wedding present?
« Reply #32 on: Yesterday at 08:14:12 PM »
Ok, probably not going to make friends with this comment, but I am currently planning my wedding and honestly I'd be offended if someone I asked to be in my wedding party considered it a "gift". Not that I expect them to give me an actual gift, just that to me it reeks of "you get the honor of my presence in your wedding".


Hmm.  When I was married my invitations stated that my parents "request the honour of your presence".  Its the traditional way to word invitations.  I don't see why that would reek of anything.  Most members of my wedding party gave me lovely gifts.  One of my bridesmaids was a graduate student.  Her presence was gift enough.

A real friend will understand your circumstances.

Well, for the other person (the B&G) to define your presence as "an honor to us" is a compliment.

For -you- to define your very presence as "an honor to you" is very conceited. That's the difference.


But I agree, a real friend will understand your circumstances.

Remember, though--they'll know your circumstances, so if they see you knocking back beers at the bar, but you're too broke to buy them even a greeting card*, or a token present--they'll notice. Especially if you are so gauche as to go to them and say, "I'm too broke to buy you a present." They may easily think, "It's not that I wanted expensive stuff, but I thought you'd at least make a gesture!" They'd be right.


*I personally do not think a greeting card is a gift--it is stationery. Expensive stationery with other people's designs on it, but not a gift. However, the words that you write to them on -any- piece of stationery is a gift, in my opinion. So at the very least, give them some sort of "greeting card."

LadyBatman

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Re: Am I REQUIRED to give a Wedding present?
« Reply #33 on: Yesterday at 09:10:19 PM »
The standard is that those in the wedding party actually give a larger gift. So, a normal guest pays for at least what the plate costs (let's say $100) per person on their invitation (spouse and kids). So, at the. Rey least you should be giving whatever the plate costs.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Am I REQUIRED to give a Wedding present?
« Reply #34 on: Yesterday at 09:14:19 PM »
'Cover your plate' has never been an etiquette rule.  I can see wedding party, as close friends/family giving a larger gift but not if they are paying for their clothes and shoes and makeup and...
After cleaning out my Dad's house, I have this advice:  If you haven't used it in a year, throw it out!!!!.
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HannahGrace

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Re: Am I REQUIRED to give a Wedding present?
« Reply #35 on: Yesterday at 09:22:35 PM »
The standard is that those in the wedding party actually give a larger gift. So, a normal guest pays for at least what the plate costs (let's say $100) per person on their invitation (spouse and kids). So, at the. Rey least you should be giving whatever the plate costs.

"Cover your plate" is far from universal. I'd never heard of it before this forum and a wedding forum I joined.

AnnaJ

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Re: Am I REQUIRED to give a Wedding present?
« Reply #36 on: Yesterday at 09:23:51 PM »
The standard is that those in the wedding party actually give a larger gift. So, a normal guest pays for at least what the plate costs (let's say $100) per person on their invitation (spouse and kids). So, at the. Rey least you should be giving whatever the plate costs.

I disagree.  "Covering your plate" seems to be a very regional thing, certainly not a definition of what a 'normal guest' should do in many places; I had never heard this custom until coming onto EH. 

OP, the best rule is to give what you can comfortably give, period.   

Hmmmmm

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Re: Am I REQUIRED to give a Wedding present?
« Reply #37 on: Yesterday at 09:25:11 PM »
The standard is that those in the wedding party actually give a larger gift. So, a normal guest pays for at least what the plate costs (let's say $100) per person on their invitation (spouse and kids). So, at the. Rey least you should be giving whatever the plate costs.

"Cover your plate" is far from universal. I'd never heard of it before this forum and a wedding forum I joined.

I agree that it is not universal and is actually a little offensive concept in some circles I know.

blarg314

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Re: Am I REQUIRED to give a Wedding present?
« Reply #38 on: Yesterday at 09:35:55 PM »

Covering your plate is *definitely* not an etiquette rule, and isn't even practical. Unless the happy couple invoices you on the invitation, you have no idea how much the reception costs. There are huge variations in catering costs depending on where you live, what you are serving, and the alcohol options. You could, I suppose, go to the wedding first, and send a gift later based on the quality of the hospitality and how much alcohol you consumed....

I would say that in general, if you attend a wedding, you need to give a gift. But you *don't* need to buy off the registry, and you *don't* need to hit a particular price point, particularly if the budget is tight. If money is tight, go for something inexpensive but carefully thought out, and if the bride and groom object, they are showing their own rudeness.

If your friend is paying for the other attendants' attire, but not for yours, then I think she is being rude, unless she's telling you just to wear your normal dressy clothes. I think it would be fine to counter with "Listen - my budget is really tight, and buying a new outfit for the wedding is difficult. Can I just wear (clothing I already have)?"

Potluck weddings, as others have said, are rude to begin with. As you're in the wedding party, I'd say bring something pre-packaged so you don't need to fuss. A couple of bags of tortillas and some jars of salsa would be fine.





metallicafan

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Re: Am I REQUIRED to give a Wedding present?
« Reply #39 on: Yesterday at 09:58:53 PM »
The standard is that those in the wedding party actually give a larger gift. So, a normal guest pays for at least what the plate costs (let's say $100) per person on their invitation (spouse and kids). So, at the. Rey least you should be giving whatever the plate costs.


Where I'm from, cover your plate is the norm.  Of course, we don't know the exact amount , but we have a pretty good idea of a ballpark figure generally speaking.
I will echo everyone else and say that you give the gift that you can afford.

Reaver

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Re: Am I REQUIRED to give a Wedding present?
« Reply #40 on: Yesterday at 11:02:56 PM »
Thank you all, I got the advice I need  :D

Lindee

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Re: Am I REQUIRED to give a Wedding present?
« Reply #41 on: Today at 03:11:04 AM »
But in this case "cover your plate" is zero as it is pot luck.  Not that I feel plate costs are relevant, how would you know what they were? why do richer relatives and friends get a bigger present?


cross_patch

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Re: Am I REQUIRED to give a Wedding present?
« Reply #42 on: Today at 03:37:57 AM »
Thank you all, I got the advice I need  :D

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