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  • July 03, 2015, 05:31:31 PM

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Author Topic: Need help I don't know what to do but roasting in Ehell right now  (Read 380 times)

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Little Jo

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My brother and I got engaged around the same time (not to each other obviously even in Ireland there are limits!) The entire family in-laws and outlaws went on holiday as we were lounging by the pool I asked my future sister what she would like from me and my fiance for a wedding gift as I had no clue. Her reply was that they wanted a brilliant honeymoon and had a website where you could "buy" them as a gift something about the honeymoon like taxi transfer to the hotel. I was taken aback and could not answer her for a while. I said something along the lines of "oh that is different" or "not what I was expecting you to say" I really can't remember.  I don't want to be rude and I don't want to not give a gift but I feel like I ought to go into Ehell as I don't want to contribute to honeymoon fund. I guess I am just green eyed as  I can't ask guests to send me off on a romantic holiday it doesn't sit right with me. I know that I did ask and I ought to accept her answer graciously even though I feel uncomfortable.
Please help me what would you do in this situation? Am I nuts and deserve to be in Ehell?

FauxFoodist

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You can accept her answer graciously without buying her what she wants.  Look at it this way -- what if she had responded with, "We would like you to do a double-wedding with us and foot all of the bill so it will cost us almost nothing" or "We would like you to cover the cost of an aspect of our wedding" or "We would like you to make a donation in our name to SomeHorribleCauseYou'reAgainst."  There's nothing wrong with asking what they would like; it still doesn't mean you have to give them that so don't feel you're being rude by getting them something else (also, while a wedding gift is expected, it's not a requirement; we have a few people who never got us anything for our wedding, which has never bothered us).

Miss Understood

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I know a lot of people are offended by honeymoon registries, but honestly they don't bother me that much (although I do recognize that they are not etiquette-approved).  In most of the weddings I have attended in recent years, the HC had been living together for a while and already had most of the household things one would normally register for.  I think the original idea of wedding gifts helping the HC to set up their home has gone by the wayside for many, and cash is the expected gift in many cases (which could be spent on the honeymoon or any other thing the HC chooses).

However, you are certainly entitled to your distaste for this practice, and can purchase any gift you like regardless of her response to your question.  The only rude thing would be for you to tell her she's being rude, and while you were a bit surprised it doesn't sound like you did that so I think you're fine.

YummyMummy66

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I know it is not etiquette approved, asking to contribute towards a honeymoon, but I really don't understand the big deal.   I know I will be getting the couple a gift of any wedding I attend.   I know what I can and will spend.  So, what difference does it make if I buy the happy couple a set of china or contribute to a fund for a honeymoon?  I am still spending the same amount of money that I would spend.   And why give them some china that they might never use, but help towards the gift of a lifetime that they just might remember fondly forever and tell their grandchildren about the fabulous time on their honeymoon? 

Just my humble opinion. 

You mentioned green eyes, is this jealousy because they are choosing a honeymoon that you would love to do but are not doing for whatever reason?   

If you do not want to contribute, then don't.  Buy them what you think they might like for their new home or whatever you desire.  No one says you have to contribute towards the honeymoon fund.  And if asked, you don't have to say your feelings, just say, "Oh, I saw this and thought of you guys and I bought this instead!".   

Mary Lennox

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I guess I am just green eyed as  I can't ask guests to send me off on a romantic holiday it doesn't sit right with me.

There's nothing stopping you from setting up a honeymoon registry except you don't want to. That's your choice. I don't understand why you are jealous that they made a difference choice when there is nothing but yourself stopping you from making the same choice.

FauxFoodist

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You mentioned green eyes, is this jealousy because they are choosing a honeymoon that you would love to do but are not doing for whatever reason?

Oh, I missed the green-eyed part.  I'd assume jealousy, also, was meant, but, jealousy or not, I still wouldn't want to pay into this type of gift.  It has no meaning for me in giving it to them.  What do I mean?  I once had a coworker who was getting married and bought him and his FH a fancy bowl.  I found out, later, that our other coworkers had collaborated on a group gift of kitchen and bathroom items.  I didn't want to do that because it was only me contributing cash towards someone else's choices.  Same thing with a lot of other occasions where a list is provided and I'd rather use the list as a "jumping-off point," rather than as something from which to choose.  I'm not always against lists or group gifts but, sometimes, the gifts suggested, for me, aren't things for which I want to spend money directly (like someone's taxi transfer to the hotel -- in that case, I'd rather just give them a gift of cash and let them decide how they want to spend it without some honeymoon fund website getting a cut of the money).

Honestly, I'm not fond of honeymoon funds as registries (because I don't want my gift to be something like "I paid for dinner at the Tiki Tiki Lounge" or "Their couple's massage was funded by me," but I don't get to decide for other couples for what they want to register (and, anyway, DH and I listed four charities to which people could contribute if they wanted to do that instead so how is contributing to a honeymoon fund and different than contributing to a charity?).

Tea Drinker

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You're not in eHell now: "that's not what I expected" likely told her that you don't approve, but you didn't step over the line of saying that she and your brother shouldn't do that.

You can still come up with a gift that you think they will enjoy/use after the honeymoon, if you don't want to give cash (which is effectively what that sort of registry is, except that the registry company may be taking a percentage). A registry is a guideline. I would consider it rude to give someone purple towels--my favorite color--if they had registered for hunter green and white linens. But that sort of registry about wanting matching stuff, not wanting to have eight toasters and no slow cooker, and not overriding the couple's ideas of how to decorate their home. It doesn't mean you can't get your brother and his fiance a slow cooker, if you know they don't have one and think it would be useful.

Or you can take a deep breath and send them a check, with a note that just says "Congratulations," and if anyone asks why you didn't go through the registry, tell them that you don't see any reason some company should come between you and your brother.
Any advice that requires the use of a time machine may safely be ignored.

gellchom

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I don't care for honeymoon registries anyway, but for sure that's not what I'd give my own brother., like I might give cash to someone else, but not to my brother.   I'd be looking for a very special gift to be in their home for a lifetime, maybe even a future heirloom.  That's the kind of thing my husband and I and our sibs gave each other and that my own kids gave each other, too. 

So if the OP thinks she needs to say anything about it, she could put it like that: "we wanted our gift to be extra special, because you are extra special to us,"

TurtleDove

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I think the OP can give (or not give) whatever gift she wants. Just don't be upset if the gift the OP puts a lot of thought into is not what the HC wanted or appreciates in the way the OP intended. I personally would much prefer and cherish an experience on my honeymoon over nearly any tangible thing.

Mary Lennox

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I don't care for honeymoon registries anyway, but for sure that's not what I'd give my own brother., like I might give cash to someone else, but not to my brother.   I'd be looking for a very special gift to be in their home for a lifetime, maybe even a future heirloom.  That's the kind of thing my husband and I and our sibs gave each other and that my own kids gave each other, too. 

So if the OP thinks she needs to say anything about it, she could put it like that: "we wanted our gift to be extra special, because you are extra special to us,"

I'd be pretty insulted if you said that to me. You asked what I wanted and I told you. Now you're telling me it doesn't meet your standard of a present so you're going to find a "future heirloom" I neither want or need (and will feel obligated to keep and/or display), when all I want is skydiving lessons on my honeymoon. Nothing says "extra special" like ignoring my suggestions and giving me china vase instead.