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  • February 28, 2015, 03:49:28 PM

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Author Topic: Dinner Invitations at a Conference: More the Merrier or Limit the Invites?  (Read 2562 times)

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TriCrazy73

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Re: Dinner Invitations at a Conference: More the Merrier or Limit the Invites?
« Reply #15 on: February 25, 2015, 02:50:18 PM »
OF course you are right. It's rude to bring uninvited guests to another person's thing, business or otherwise.
This is what I was thinking.  I'm a little baffled that he would think it is okay to bring someone, uninvited, to a dinner hosted by someone else!  You are doing the right thing.

bopper

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Re: Dinner Invitations at a Conference: More the Merrier or Limit the Invites?
« Reply #16 on: February 25, 2015, 04:10:34 PM »
The only other thing I can think of is if you really thing it would be beneficial for both parties for this other person to be invited, you could say "Janie would have some great thoughts on this topic too. She is working on XYZ if you think it would be useful to invite her. "

EllenS

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Re: Dinner Invitations at a Conference: More the Merrier or Limit the Invites?
« Reply #17 on: February 25, 2015, 05:03:37 PM »
The only other thing I can think of is if you really thing it would be beneficial for both parties for this other person to be invited, you could say "Janie would have some great thoughts on this topic too. She is working on XYZ if you think it would be useful to invite her. "

Yes, this sounds good if you have the opportunity. But I think you are fine as you are and I'm really surprised at your dad.

If he is from a male-dominated corporate environment, I would think the scenario you are describing would be very familiar to him, especially the consideration of the power/seniority/hierarchy dynamic. When you were describing the confidentiality/trust aspect, I was envisioning a Bar Association conference. When you said "creative" I was very surprised.

You are right. Your dad is not only wrong, I marvel a bit at whether he unknowingly damaged his own career by pulling moves like that.
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citadelle

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Re: Dinner Invitations at a Conference: More the Merrier or Limit the Invites?
« Reply #18 on: February 25, 2015, 05:52:39 PM »
I think it depends on the culture of these gatherkngs, which of crse yo would understand better than your dad. Is it a) there is one organizer who extends all invitations or b) someone gets the ball rolling, so to speak, and others also extend invitations and add to the group. If b, the right thing to do would be different from a.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Dinner Invitations at a Conference: More the Merrier or Limit the Invites?
« Reply #19 on: February 25, 2015, 06:05:41 PM »
Your right.

However in certain business circumstances I've contacted the organizer to say "Hey, I ran into Tina during lunch and she asked me to dinner. I told her I had plans. Have you finalized the guest list for tonight? If not, would it be ok to invite her?"  If she doesn't want Tina along then she can say "oh, sorry the guest list is finalized".

But I've only done this when I know of no conflicts, I would have invited Tina if I was organizing, everyone is paying their own entertainment costs (or their company is). and it's been a pretty informal invitation anyway.

Thipu1

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Re: Dinner Invitations at a Conference: More the Merrier or Limit the Invites?
« Reply #20 on: February 25, 2015, 06:14:30 PM »
After reading everything over again, it looks like your Dad literally thinks of you and your colleagues as 'High School girls' and your profession little more than an elaborate hobby.   As such, he doesn't think you're worthy of being taken seriously. 

After all, if this is just juvenile, feminine playing around, not including everyone is just being mean, isn't it?

If your working life isn't the same as Dad's, it can't possibly be a real job in his mind.  Believe me, I've had my share of that when I became a librarian.  There were people in the family who thought my Master's program was 'a little course to help you in your job'.

Yeah, right and I've got a bridge for sale.   

You can't change people who have that sort of attitude.  All you can do is pull back and don't talk to Dad about business matters. 

 

weeblewobble

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Re: Dinner Invitations at a Conference: More the Merrier or Limit the Invites?
« Reply #21 on: February 25, 2015, 07:59:26 PM »
The only other thing I can think of is if you really thing it would be beneficial for both parties for this other person to be invited, you could say "Janie would have some great thoughts on this topic too. She is working on XYZ if you think it would be useful to invite her. "

Yes, this sounds good if you have the opportunity. But I think you are fine as you are and I'm really surprised at your dad.

If he is from a male-dominated corporate environment, I would think the scenario you are describing would be very familiar to him, especially the consideration of the power/seniority/hierarchy dynamic. When you were describing the confidentiality/trust aspect, I was envisioning a Bar Association conference. When you said "creative" I was very surprised.

You are right. Your dad is not only wrong, I marvel a bit at whether he unknowingly damaged his own career by pulling moves like that.

Actually, I asked mom about this after starting thing thread and asked her if he did this sort of thing when he was working and she said, no, he would have been mortified if he'd upset a 'bigger fish' by bringing a tagalong to a dinner. She's not even sure why he got so adamant about it. But he's one of those people who's always full of corrections and suggestions about how we could be doing something better, even when he has NO experience in that particular area and we have a high level of experience. He's always been sort of sensitive to any evidence of my sister and i exhibiting selfish or "witchy" behavior. So I think I hit the "parental scolding" sweet spot.


weeblewobble

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Re: Dinner Invitations at a Conference: More the Merrier or Limit the Invites?
« Reply #22 on: February 25, 2015, 08:01:57 PM »
Yikes, Thipu, I'm so sorry.

I don't know if Dad sees my job as "not real." But I think he sees "different" from what he's used to as being "wrong."

Raintree

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After reading everything over again, it looks like your Dad literally thinks of you and your colleagues as 'High School girls' and your profession little more than an elaborate hobby.   

That crossed my mind too, ie Dad would never have brought uninvited guests to a business outing during his career, but he sees your outings (being female dominated) as just a bunch of girls getting together socially after work, rather than proper business.

Sharnita

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My issue would be logistics. The bigger the group,  the longer it takes to be seated and served. I wouldn't love it if the 4 person group I planned on grew to a 12 person group. Especially if a conference meant we were competing with other 12 person groups forttables.

Yvaine

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After reading everything over again, it looks like your Dad literally thinks of you and your colleagues as 'High School girls' and your profession little more than an elaborate hobby.   

That crossed my mind too, ie Dad would never have brought uninvited guests to a business outing during his career, but he sees your outings (being female dominated) as just a bunch of girls getting together socially after work, rather than proper business.

Yuck. I think you're right.  >:(

weeblewobble

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I'll confess a lot of it comes from social anxiety. I am very afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing. But because of the nature of the job/work environment, I've had to overcome that and become more gregarious/outgoing. I probably overthink a lot of it.
It's all about balance. It sounds as if you have a finely honed sense of what is and isn't appropriate, and are confident enough now to apply your knowledge.

Your initial post made me think of a young co-worker I was informally mentoring about 5-6 years ago. She was bright and talented but somewhat less than professional. We had a visiting dignitary (someone who was very highly placed in our profession, invited in to talk to us all about how she'd become so successful) and I was asked to organize a small lunch before the afternoon seminar. I had the go-ahead to include a few "rank and file" people in the lunch, and I really wanted to invite young mentee, but in the end, I just couldn't trust her to be appropriate, especially since this was one of those rare work-centered lunches where wine was served (Big Big Boss and visiting dignitary were both wine enthusiasts and Big Big Boss supplied bottles from his personal stash).

Unfortunately, she only confirmed my misgivings by whining about not being invited, and making it clear that she was more upset about missing out on free food and wine than about losing the opportunities to interact one-on-one with a superstar in our profession, and to put her best foot forward with the executives of our company. :( And then she compounded her error by Vaguebooking about it.

Yikes wordgirl, did she ever mature?

rigs32

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What bothers me about dad's opinion is that he wants his daughters to not be selfish. Yet, isn't one of the reasons cited for lack of female advancement in the workplace the female tendency to be selfless and not advocate for themselves?

When a man does something it's assertive. When a woman does the same thing she's a selfish witch. That really bothers me.

Mergatroyd

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The only other thing I can think of is if you really thing it would be beneficial for both parties for this other person to be invited, you could say "Janie would have some great thoughts on this topic too. She is working on XYZ if you think it would be useful to invite her. "

Yes, this sounds good if you have the opportunity. But I think you are fine as you are and I'm really surprised at your dad.

If he is from a male-dominated corporate environment, I would think the scenario you are describing would be very familiar to him, especially the consideration of the power/seniority/hierarchy dynamic. When you were describing the confidentiality/trust aspect, I was envisioning a Bar Association conference. When you said "creative" I was very surprised.

You are right. Your dad is not only wrong, I marvel a bit at whether he unknowingly damaged his own career by pulling moves like that.

Actually, I asked mom about this after starting thing thread and asked her if he did this sort of thing when he was working and she said, no, he would have been mortified if he'd upset a 'bigger fish' by bringing a tagalong to a dinner. She's not even sure why he got so adamant about it. But he's one of those people who's always full of corrections and suggestions about how we could be doing something better, even when he has NO experience in that particular area and we have a high level of experience. He's always been sort of sensitive to any evidence of my sister and i exhibiting selfish or "witchy" behavior. So I think I hit the "parental scolding" sweet spot.

Your dad, being male and retired, and by your use of the word bigger, appears to have been a fairly big fish in his puddle. There was probably instances where him bringing someone else (to an after events meetup at a bar, not a sit down dinner) was definately an asset to their career. Possibly he thinks you are a bigger fish than you are (because you're his daughter, of course!) or possibly he is so busy focusing on avoiding mean girls in the family that he doesn't actually connect the difference between the type of events you discussed with him. Either way, you seem to have it all under control. Girls think differently than guys. Trust yourself!