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Author Topic: Friendship readjustment--need help UPDATES #45, 73  (Read 10246 times)

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greencat

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Re: Friendship readjustment--need help UPDATE #73
« Reply #75 on: April 23, 2015, 12:40:20 PM »
OP here with an update, sort of. I sent Ida an email this morning reminding her about our lunch next Tuesday:

Hey, looking forward to lunch for your birthday present on Tuesday. Have you thought about where to go? I'd like to check over the menu beforehand and decide what I can eat, so let me know!

I'll be out of town tomorrow so I had to send it today, and I really do want time to check out the menu if she picks someplace odd. I'm sure I can find something to eat almost anywhere, but it's less stressful for me if I can look over the menu beforehand rather than in the moment. And if she picks someplace that really isn't good for me, I can at least eat my own food beforehand--I wouldn't do that normally, but since this time is supposed to be her birthday present (the only one she's getting from me), I really do want her to choose someplace she'd like. Worst-case scenario is the Italian place where I can literally only eat an undressed salad, followed by a trip to the ice cream parlor we used to love (where I also can't eat anything). I am prepared.

As far as having to eat an un-dressed salad - I've found that with my food allergy, if I call ahead and explain that I'm eating there because it's someone's birthday, and I have such-and-such a restriction, they will either review with me what's on their menu that satisfies that restriction, or sometimes offer to allow me to bring my own condiments.

Zizi-K

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Re: Friendship readjustment--need help UPDATES #45, 73
« Reply #76 on: April 23, 2015, 12:42:11 PM »
Sorry, is this birthday lunch an organized thing with a lot of people, or just you two? Greencat's suggestion works great if it's a big group and you have no choice in the matter. But if it's just you two, you most certainly have a choice.

Lynn2000

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Re: Friendship readjustment--need help UPDATES #45, 73
« Reply #77 on: April 23, 2015, 01:59:26 PM »
OP here. I see what you're saying, Zizi-K. I suppose that part did sound rather martyrish! I find it unlikely she would choose someplace where I couldn't eat much, just speaking statistically--I was just psyching myself up. You're right, it's a rather silly extreme.  :P

I'm actually not particularly looking forward to the lunch, as you might have guessed.  :-\ I'm curious how it will go, I guess. I don't see a lot holding me to this friendship at the moment and it's hard to imagine it will ever go back up, but if I have a good time Tuesday, maybe it will at least stay level for a while longer.
~Lynn2000

Lynn2000

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Re: Friendship readjustment--need help UPDATES #45, 73
« Reply #78 on: Yesterday at 12:25:38 PM »
OP here. Ida hadn't replied to my Thursday email by about 11am on Sunday, so I forwarded it to her work email (I had sent it to her personal email before). I'm sure she will see it Monday and then hopefully reply. We both work for the same company and I really prefer to keep work email for work issues only, but that's just my own belief, not strict policy.

That might seem like a minor point. However, my concern was that she would indeed see the email, but would feel like she didn't need to reply, and then just show up for lunch on Tuesday. Most likely, she would pick somewhere she knows to be fine for me, because she's not evil. But I wanted to avoid the situation where she disregards what I ask for because she has a better idea, the end result is fine, and once again I fail to complain because it feels silly and petty. I feel like that would perpetuate the bad cycle that got the friendship into so much trouble.

My question for you guys is, at what point should I contact her again, if I hear nothing? If I felt the necessity for a third email, it would probably be along the lines of, "I'm assuming lunch is off for Tuesday. If you still want to go, please let me know by X time, and let me know the restaurant." Proactively make her contact me by a deadline--again, instead of the status quo, which is to message me about 5 to 10 minutes before she leaves her office to pick me up, with no discussion of the restaurant.

I wish I could be more flexible, because I know I tend to be rigid. But I feel like with Ida, appearing too flexible and accommodating has made her take me for granted and disregard my wishes. I think it's a simple enough thing to do, respond with the message, "Yeah, looking forward to Tuesday. How about Joe's?" There should be no logistical impediments to that, right?
~Lynn2000

JenJay

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Re: Friendship readjustment--need help UPDATES #45, 73
« Reply #79 on: Yesterday at 12:29:29 PM »
If you don't hear back from her by Monday evening or Tuesday morning (whichever you need), I'd email her "I'm assuming you aren't available for lunch. I hope we can get together next month. Have a wonderful birthday!!"
Oregon

Goog

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Re: Friendship readjustment--need help UPDATES #45, 73
« Reply #80 on: Yesterday at 03:22:34 PM »
If you don't hear back from her by Monday evening or Tuesday morning (whichever you need), I'd email her "I'm assuming you aren't available for lunch. I hope we can get together next month. Have a wonderful birthday!!"

I think this is good.  Make it ultra cheery, but at the same time definitely say that lunch is off.  But then you'll have to decide what you'll do if she comes back and says that she can go, or even gets snippy b/c you didn't wait for her (non) answer (something in me tells me to expect this kind of a reaction from her).  Will you still go, or will you say that you're sorry, but when she didn't get back to you, you assumed she was busy and you made other plans?

Lynn2000

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Re: Friendship readjustment--need help UPDATES #45, 73
« Reply #81 on: Yesterday at 03:37:43 PM »
I think this is good.  Make it ultra cheery, but at the same time definitely say that lunch is off.  But then you'll have to decide what you'll do if she comes back and says that she can go, or even gets snippy b/c you didn't wait for her (non) answer (something in me tells me to expect this kind of a reaction from her).  Will you still go, or will you say that you're sorry, but when she didn't get back to you, you assumed she was busy and you made other plans?

OP here. If the above scenario happened, I would like to say that sorry, when she didn't get back to me, I made other plans. It's supposed to be a "standing" lunch date on the fourth Tuesday of the month or whatever, but we've only had two so far, and *if* she can't bother to do the one small thing I ask and email me back the name of her chosen restaurant, I don't see why I should bother going. To me that would just be more of the pattern of disregarding me, because "she knows better"--she knows she's going to pick a restaurant that's fine for me, maybe the same place we ate last month for example, so why should she bother informing me of that beforehand? I should just trust that she's going to choose a good place and not insist on communication. ::)

All that is speculation--I don't want to borrow trouble, and I'm very hopeful that when she gets to work on Monday and sees my repeated email in her work inbox, she will respond. I'm just thinking about similar ways she's acted in the past, where she seems to assume my participation or agreement is a given, and she doesn't need to check with me first, even when I've asked her to. And, let's face it, usually my participation has been a given, and she does tend to make choices I agree with, so the end result is I feel silly for objecting that she skipped the step of checking with me as I asked, because it wouldn't have changed the outcome. Except, that I would feel respected and not taken for granted. That's what I'm trying to be conscious of right now.
~Lynn2000

EllenS

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Re: Friendship readjustment--need help UPDATES #45, 73
« Reply #82 on: Yesterday at 04:27:11 PM »
I'd be a tiny skosh more direct, by saying "I need to know by Monday lunchtime [or whenever] if we're definitely doing lunch on Tuesday, because I have a schedule thing I need to arrange."

Now, your "schedule thing" is an internal, rather than an external, restriction, but that is irrelevant because it is yours and it is valid. But at least this way she knows there is a deadline.  I think if your "status quo" is she calls you when she's on the way, then she needs explicit notice that it's not going to work that way this time, rather than a post-facto "you didn't meet my silent deadline, so I'm cancelling".  If you have a deadline that you need to know by, then own it.

PastryGoddess

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Re: Friendship readjustment--need help UPDATES #45, 73
« Reply #83 on: Yesterday at 06:10:31 PM »
I would send an email to both her personal and work email on Monday around 1 or 2 pm if you haven't heard from her.

"Hi Ida,

Since I haven't heard back from you, I've made other plans for lunch tomorrow.  I hope you have a Happy birthday.  Talk to you soon. 

Best,
Lynn2000"



JoyinVirginia

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Re: Friendship readjustment--need help UPDATES #45, 73
« Reply #84 on: Yesterday at 11:49:53 PM »
I would send an email to both her personal and work email on Monday around 1 or 2 pm if you haven't heard from her.

"Hi Ida,

Since I haven't heard back from you, I've made other plans for lunch tomorrow.  I hope you have a Happy birthday.  Talk to you soon. 

Best,
Lynn2000"

this is perfect! It's fine that type other plans are taking a walk alone.