General Etiquette > Family and Children

Teasing children-funny or not? (longish)

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Felica:
Ok, I don't know if this is just me and my son, or if we're the sane ones and everyone else are the buttheads.  ???

Christmas went pretty well for us, there were a couple of small hitches, and this is the one that I'm still puzzling over.

First of all, Son #2 is going through what I *hope* is just a stage. He seems to have lost his sense of humor completely. Any sort of teasing, even the most light hearted (such as dad saying, "I ate all the chocolate potato chips!" even though Son #2 can see them sitting on the counter) sends him into tears or he withdraws to what I call pouting. He's not sullen or anything, he simply stops participating. If the teasing goes any further, he'll completely break down, claiming everyone hates him, is mean to him, etc. I don't know where this is comming from, and we're working to get past it but for now, he's very...sensitive.

When we were on our way over to the in-laws, I reminded my husband that I'd rather not have to deal with an outburst in front of people (not to coddle Son #2, but just to make the day easier) so please not to provoke any teasing in his direction. I also reminded Son #2 that it was Christmas, we were going somewhere everyone loved him, so to try and keep everything in perspective before getting upset.

So, we're opening presents, and Son #2 gets something he REALLY wanted. And BIL claims it was really his present and he's going to take it. Son #2 stiffens, but holds it in. Then SIL say something else. Then cousin. THEN, of all things, DH opens his mouth, but I take the opportunity to jump in here and say "DH, remember what we talked about? I don't feel like dealing with this today." (I also had a case of the flu on Christmas) So he shuts up.

But no one else does. MIL is saying aloud to no one in particular, "*I* can deal with it." and to son #2, "Do you want me to deal with it?" and BIL is still mumbling about the present. I should probably add in here, that they KNOW that Son #2 is having a problem with teasing at the moment, but still find it great fun to pick at him and laugh when he gets upset. They call it "Toughening him up!" BAH!

 Finally I snapped and said, "Leave my child alone please!" I didn't yell, but I was loud and firm. I don't think what they did was funny, for him or me. I don't understand how tomenting my son was funny to anyone else. Yet I'm told I'm babying him. The whole family is a bunch of jokers and teasers. My other Son joins right in with them and doesn't mind being teased. But Son #2 doesn't like it. I say that's ok. Am I wrong?

Lisbeth:
Yes and no.

I agree that if you know someone can't handle teasing well, it is cruel to keep trying to force a sense of humor on them.  If you don't know that and they don't respond to your first attempt, you should let it go.  Enough is enough.

But I also feel that people can't stay "sensitive" forever-it's a sign of maturity to be able to roll with even the comic punches.  Son #2's non-responsiveness was fine, but he might be best engaging in what Miss Manners calls "the hollow laugh." It's a way of acknowledging someone else's intentions of humor while not assigning any humor value to the "joke."  You do it by smiling with your mouth only and chuckling briefly or saying "Haha" or another noise that sounds like laughing, while keeping your eyes blank and not putting a real laugh into your voice.

Cupcake Fiend:
That is so mean!

I don't consider it "teasing" when it makes someone that upset.  It's "bullying" at that point.  And it's mean, and wrong.  You were totally right to speak up for your child!

Your kids are pretty young, too, right?

My 2 year old is in a phase now where he's just starting to understand identity.  It scares him to be called anything but his name.  Even if his brother wants to play pretend "you be a tiger and I'll be a dog" he'll get upset and say "I'm not a tiger, I'm Thing 2!!"  We know he'll grow out of it and we just try not to call him anything else in his hearing.

The only exception is when I say "Honey" -- all three of them (DH, Thing 1 and Thing 2) will look at me to see which one I want. ;D

gadget--gal:
Even if they are going through a phase, I wouldn't tease a child if they took teasing seriously. Kids can remeber things (and the feelings associated) longer than adults do.

Felica:
>>>Even if they are going through a phase, I would tease a child if they took teasing seriously.

Why?

And would you also do it if it ruined an already sick mother's Christmas because she had to deal with the aftermath? And even if that mother had requested that you not do it for those reasons?

ETA: After rereading your post, do you mean you would NOT tease a child? It looks like that's what you meant and maybe left out a word? :)

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