Teasing children-funny or not? (longish)

[platys]

I had a really hard time with teasing when I was a child, and it left some pretty bad feelings on my part towards my extended family.  In my case, I was teased a lot about how I was "too smart" and not very athletic.  It made me feel like I wasn't a part of the family (who were very atheletic and certainly not "too smart").  I pretty much avoid my extended family whenever possible.

These days, I'm fine with teasing, and I don't take myself seriously at all.  But I'm very careful with who I tease.

[Cydrius]

Myself, I had and uncles and a cousin who used to pick on me all the time (and I was about as bad a case as OP's son.)

Todays, probably about 10 years later, I still don't want ny contact with said family members. Hate I tell you. HATE.

No amount of anger, withdrawing or even tears would make them stop.

I know how Son #2 feels, and let me tell you, you weren't wrong in telling them to stop.

some people are jsut so clueless -.-

[IndianInlaw]

"WHAT IN THE WORLD DID HE MEAN BY THAT? What possible reason could he have to be so mean to you?"


I'm cutting him slack because  his dad was even worse

[T'Mar of Vulcan]

they KNOW that Son #2 is having a problem with teasing at the moment, but still find it great fun to pick at him and laugh when he gets upset. They call it "Toughening him up!" BAH!

"Toughening him up"?? My bottom. They were being deliberately cruel to a child - a form of child abuse IMO. People may take issue with this, but emotional abuse is still abuse, and teasing IS a form of emotional abuse. I also disagree that a person should "go along" with it. Nonsense. To this day I have relatives who try to tease me - I leave the room. Teasing is mean and nasty, especially when it's an adult inflicting it on a child. Between adults, if it's in fun, it's fine. Between children, if it's not intended to be mean, it's fine. But an adult continuing to tease a child who is getting upset? Is engaging in child abuse.

Finally I snapped and said, "Leave my child alone please!" I didn't yell, but I was loud and firm. I don't think what they did was funny, for him or me. I don't understand how tomenting my son was funny to anyone else. Yet I'm told I'm babying him.

No, you're not. You're protecting your child from abuse. You go, girl.

[blarg314]

An adult continuing to tease a an upset child under the excuse of 'toughening them up' is bullying at best and child abuse at worst.

A parent can help a child learn to distinguish between friendly banter and malicious teasing, and help a serious, shy or overly literal child learn to loosen up, but it needs to be done gently and carefully, and never cruelly, and at an appropriate age and state of development. They also need to know that their family is somewhere that they can go for support and defense when they are being bullied.

Different children have different temperments - some can handle joking and non malicious teasing at a young age, others take a longer time to be able to handle things like that.  A child doesn't have the power to stop the adults from hurting them - they can't leave the house and go home, or make them stop.

If a child is upset, and the adults continue to hurt them it teaches them that their feelings don't matter, that it's okay to hurt people who can't defend themselves even when they tell them to stop, and that the people who should be defending them are likely to turn on them instead.  It also teaches them that they're not allowed to stand up for themselves when they're being hurt.

[cocacola35]

You did the right thing.  I see nothing wrong with good natured teasing, but when you can see the "victim" becoming upset it's time to lay off.  It sounds like your son is going through a sensitive phase and I'm sure that when he matures he will realize that sometimes teasing can be a form of affection.  

I come from a family of teasers.  Dad teased my mom and I all the time when I was growing up (still does).  When I was very young, he would tease me but at the same time opened it up so I could tease him.  For instance if he would claim my Xmas present here is how it would go-

Dad: "Don't you think I deserve it?"
Me: "NO!!"
Dad: "Well why not?"
Me: "Cause you've been bad!"
Dad: laughs and moves on to something else

Exchanges like this taught me that he WAS kidding and it was okay to tease him back.  He was not without flaw though- sometimes (especially when I was going through my middle school years) he needed to be told by mom to back off.    

[Tabris]

Foxxy, defending her child is a mother's first duty. You did right to step in.

"Toughening him up" is kind of stupid as a defense, like slashing an open wound with a razor blade to "toughen it up." You might want to carry a hot cup of coffee at all times around these people and suggest that if they attempt to toughen up your son, you will attempt to toughen up their faces so that the NEXT time someone scalds them with hot coffee, it won't hurt as much. What they're trying to do is scar him, and scars only look tougher than healthy skin. THey aren't really.

HOWEVER, maybe you can play a teasing game with your son in order to get him used to the idea of teasing in a safe environment. Have him tease YOU about something you agree upon in advance. Show him your favorite chocolate bar or something like that, and have him joke that he ate your chocolate bar. You can then model for him how he could react to teasing, and he can experience the teasing from the safety of knwoing that a) it's not real, b) you're not going to be hurt by what he says, and c) he is COMPLETELY in control. If at any point in the game he becomes uncomfortable, you will stop it immediately.

Once he sees how you react calmly to that kind of teasing, he will be better able to deal with being on the receiving end because you will have modeled the behavior for him. He might never think it's fun, but he will understand that some people think it is and that some people also think it's funny to provoke a sad reaction in a child and therefore not to give it to them.

Good luck.

[kiero]

People tease.  If a child can't learn to roll with the punches with people who love and care for them - then how will they deal with it from strangers?  

Gentle good natured ribiing is fine.  Did you help your son?  Did you sit next to him and smile and laugh and remind him that his uncle was just teasing?  

[Felica]

>>> Did you help your son?  Did you sit next to him and smile and laugh and remind him that his uncle was just teasing? 

I did help my son, but not by smiling and laughing when his uncle was continuing to tease him after he was obviously upset. I helped by telling him to stop.

[Heavenly]

sorry, that's what I meant and I shoudl really learn to proofread, lol!

LOL...that cracks me up.



My little brother was a sensitive soul too.  Every year on our birthday my dad would tease us by saying, "Well...you've been pretty good this year.  I guess we'll extend our lease on you another year."  We would all laugh and tease Dad right back.  Not LB.  For years he thought Dad was serious--it broke my Dad's heart when he found out that LB was terrified every year that we wouldn't "pick up his lease".  We had to be gentle with our teasing him...always making sure he knew we were just joking around with him.  We are a family of teasers and jokers--gentle teasing can be done.

LB is now a grown man with a wickedly funny sense of humor, but he still doesn't like any hard core teasing.  It's just his personality.

OP was right to defend her son.  I can see that the uncle was trying to be funny, but when it became obvious that his teasing was hurting--it should have stopped and uncle should have apologized and explained that he was just playing around.  Not doing that constitutes cruelty...especially when dealing with a young child.

[Elly]

My first post as a long time lurker, but this just struck a nerve with me! I think you did the right thing by defending your son.

I have vivid memories from childhood of being teased by relatives, of having entire rooms of the adults I was supposed to trust laughing at me for reasons unclear to me, and having someone say "We're not laughing AT you, we're laughing WITH you." Well, I wasn't laughing. I may have been overly sensitive as a child, but that type of treatment does nothing to "toughen" a child up, it's just confusing and hurtful. When even your parents are laughing, there is no "safe place" in a room like that. By defending your son, at least he knows he's safe with you, and you will stand up for him when he feels he can't.

With time I'm sure he'll be able to tolerate it and learn to deal with it. I still don't find most teasing funny, especially from people I don't know well and don't trust enough to know it's coming from affection and I can tease back without offending someone.

[Pixie]

People tease.  If a child can't learn to roll with the punches with people who love and care for them - then how will they deal with it from strangers? 

Gentle good natured ribiing is fine.  Did you help your son?  Did you sit next to him and smile and laugh and remind him that his uncle was just teasing? 

No. Teasing can leave scars which last a lifetime. My step-father and brother called me "short, fat, and ugly"  from as far back as I can remember.   Guess how I turned out.... short, fat, and ugly. Everyone said, aww, he's just teasing.... "You're too sensitive."  I was blamed for being hurt by his cruel remarks. My step-father also told me I had to be a good girl or my Mom would stop loving me just like my Daddy did and she would leave, just like he did,  and it would be all my fault.   I was 5 and I believed him.   

Teasing children who are not emotionally equipped to handle it is just plain wrong and cruel.  IMO

[Cydrius]

Blar and Emily, you two are gods amongst men.

I honetly couldn't have said it better. You two resumed the very root of my thoughts. Thanks for that.

[T'Mar of Vulcan]

"You're too sensitive."  I was blamed for being hurt by his cruel remarks.

That's a trademark of toxics... blaming the victim. Cruel and toxic people always manage to put the onus onto the victim of their toxicity by saying things like, "You're too sensitive." These days if someone were to say that to me I'd reply, "I'm not too sensitive, you're an a$$hole." Even if it's not etiquette to say so - it would be true!

Teasing children who are not emotionally equipped to handle it is just plain wrong and cruel.  IMO

I agree. And some people NEVER become equipped to handle it. It doesn't make them weak, it just makes them different to those who like to prey on others. Not being able to handle teasing is not a bad thing.

I was teased and insulted every single day of my five years of high school (we don't have junior high here). It didn't "toughen me up" - it made me withdraw even more. It took *years* before I was even able to believe someone who said I could do something well. Usually I would think they were trying to be funny or teasing me, because that's what I'd been exposed to before. It took a colleague of mine, known for her straight talk, to say to me, "But you're excellent at {whatever}!" And until then I'd never believed it.

People who try to toughen kids up through teasing should be charged with child abuse. I'm not kidding.

[Sophia]

My father, who is normally a sane man, decided that since I was an only child, I needed someone else to tease me the way he teased his sister.  In order to 'toughen me up'.  Even as I child I knew that a parent should not be doing the mean sort of teasing siblings do.  It never lasted too long, because I would say, "You are my father not my brother" then leave the room.  I still remember it.