Teasing children-funny or not? (longish)

[housewife2k]

Foxxy, you totally did the RIGHT THING. Your son is going through a normal devolopmental stage-he will more than likely grow out of it. I agree with Cyndi, 'practice' teasing in a safe controlled environment, preferably with him teasing you first.
NEVER feel bad for protecting your young'ns, i your gut tells you it is the right thing to do, it is.

[Hawkwatcher]

 Finally I snapped and said, "Leave my child alone please!" I didn't yell, but I was loud and firm. I don't think what they did was funny, for him or me. I don't understand how tomenting my son was funny to anyone else. Yet I'm told I'm babying him. The whole family is a bunch of jokers and teasers. My other Son joins right in with them and doesn't mind being teased. But Son #2 doesn't like it. I say that's ok. Am I wrong?

While the teasing was bad enough, I actually believe that questioning your parenting was a worse offense, especially if they made the comment about "babying" your son on front of your children.  Even if you in-laws honestly think that you are babying him, they have no business questioning your parenting decisions.  They need to respect your rules and wishes.   Personally, I think that it would have been appropriate for you to get your husband and both children and leave at that point.

Your husband should have a talk with them to prevent from them behaving this way in the future.

[Hawkwatcher]

People tease.  If a child can't learn to roll with the punches with people who love and care for them - then how will they deal with it from strangers? 

Gentle good natured ribiing is fine.  Did you help your son?  Did you sit next to him and smile and laugh and remind him that his uncle was just teasing? 

I think the main problem I have with teasing children is the power difference between children and adults.  Children are often taught that they must be polite to adults, respect adults, and obey adults so they are really not in a position to defend themselves if they are being teased.  For example, Foxxy's in-laws probably would not have appreciated it too much if Son #2 had joined in the teasing by commenting on the BIL's weight or MIL's wrinkles.  Indeed, they would probably would not have wanted to know why Foxxy was teaching her child to be rude to his elders.

As for teaching her son how to deal with teasing, I think that Foxxy is doing an excellent job in teaching her child that he has the right to establish boundaries.  If someone else's behavior makes one uncomfortable, one has a right to remove himself from that situation.   




 

[Suze]

I was teased and insulted every single day of my five years of high school (we don't have junior high here). It didn't "toughen me up" - it made me withdraw even more. It took *years* before I was even able to believe someone who said I could do something well. Usually I would think they were trying to be funny or teasing me, because that's what I'd been exposed to before. It took a colleague of mine, known for her straight talk, to say to me, "But you're excellent at {whatever}!" And until then I'd never believed it.

People who try to toughen kids up through teasing should be charged with child abuse. I'm not kidding.

T'Mar -- I to went through the same thing in school.  There are times that I still don't believe people when they say "you did good"

I recieved a larger service award in the SCA this past summer (Middle Kingdom, a Purple Fret) and as I was kneeling in court I still expected someone to jump up with an "April's fool" and take it away.

It is hard to be one of the sentive souls out there, and it sounds like Thing2 is one of them, and Mom should be the lioness protecting her cub. Good for her.

Suze

[DottyG]

It is hard to be one of the sentive souls out there, and it sounds like Thing2 is one of them, and Mom should be the lioness protecting her cub. Good for her.

Suze

It's hard for many reasons.  And, one of them is that there are misguided people out there who somehow think that being sensitive is a negative thing or something to be ashamed of.  I hate the "toughen up" mentality, because sensitive people are not deformed or bad in any way.  Being sensitive is as much a gift as being outgoing (or whatever the opposite would be) is.  It's a part of a person that shouldn't be changed just because the jerks out there can't control their own mouths.

I've said it before, and it bears repeating (and one of you above said the same thing).....I'm not "too" sensitive because I can't take an insult from you*.  You're* just plain TOO rude.

(* the generic "you")

[Tabris]

DITTO! There is nothing wrong with being sensitive. Who would rather be known as insensitive?

NFs tend to be the sensitive types. The opposite of the "sensitive" types (the "idealists") would be the NT types, the "rationals" who prize logic and systematization over feeling and intuition.

Both types are necessary and good, and just because someone is an NT doesn't mean he's going to be a jerk or he's going to get teased. In fact, NTs tend to get socially ostracized even more than NFs do, but no one tells them they're "too rational" and need to "soften up."

[Suze]

Ok what do
NF
NT
Mean?

Suze

[ptcruzinkim]

Even if they are going through a phase, I wouldn't tease a child if they took teasing seriously. Kids can remeber things (and the feelings associated) longer than adults do.

Amen! I was a *sensitive* kid and still am that way to a point as an adult. At age 44, I have become good at picking my battles and letting things roll off my back.

That being said, these folks sound like they are bullying Son #2 sort of. It's as if his feelings and your wishes go right out the window and it's all about what the teaser/bully wants. I was teased as a kid and a lot of it was really cruel. There is a difference between a joke and something that lost its funniness after the first 5 minutes.

So no, it's not funny to tease a kid, especially when one is sensitive to it.

[cnada]

My mom's reading this over my shoulder. I wanted her opinion on this.
My mom says she would have left with me. Everyone should have understood your son's sensitivity.
For me, I would have picked on someone to the point where THEY get upset, so I get COMPLETELY dismiss their feelings.


But, sometimes I'm petty!

[DottyG]

Ok what do
NF
NT
Mean?

Suze

Comes from the Myers-Briggs Assessment.

NF = intuitive feeling
NT = intuitive thinking

You'll have to look at the complete test to understand it.  It's more complicated and involved than I can explain here.

I'm an INFJ.

[Suze]

Ok what do
NF
NT
Mean?

Suze

Comes from the Myers-Briggs Assessment.

NF = intuitive feeling
NT = intuitive thinking

You'll have to look at the complete test to understand it.  It's more complicated and involved than I can explain here.

I'm an INFJ.

Will have to look that up -- thank you (I live in a cave, you know, and don't get out much)

[Suze]

OK found a site that had descriptions for the letters - just reading them it sounds like I would more than likely come up as a INFP

also I am mildly dyslexic (thank the stars for spell check) and drive the engineers at work nuts because I do not think in a linear fashion.  They asked the workers for ideas on how to do our jobs easier. I gave them several ideas for new things and I had to practically make mock ups before they could see that my ideas would cut down production time. (to the tune of $70,000 a year, I got a pat on the head)

ETA- boy can i not spell

[Slartibartfast]

Children take teasing, lying, and sarcasm at different levels depending on their personality and age.  In my case, I never did learn to appreciate sarcasm or "pretend lying" (the kind where the person tries to get you to believe what they're saying, then laughs at you for being gullible).  I can take some teasing, but I prefer people make actual jokes if they want to be funny.

For most people, and kids in particular, teasing is safe and sometimes funny when the subject isn't self-conscious about the topic - but when the target is insecure about a particular aspect of their bodies or their lives, teasing is almost never "fun."  You can tease me about my brains, love of computer games, or my glasses - but don't "tease" me about my tummy/thighs/chest, my sex life, my weight, my career plans, or my desire to have kids someday soon.  Those are things I'm insecure about (to one degree or another), and even my DH wouldn't be "funny" if he made a crack about any of them.  I only appreciate sarcasm/"pretend lying" that doesn't fool me for a second - saying "You really should read more!" is fine (nobody who knows me thinks I don't read enough!), but saying "That call was your mom, your brother was in a car accident.  Kidding!  No really, she was just saying hi" is NEVER funny.

[Pixie]

I was teased and insulted every single day of my five years of high school (we don't have junior high here). It didn't "toughen me up" - it made me withdraw even more. It took *years* before I was even able to believe someone who said I could do something well. Usually I would think they were trying to be funny or teasing me, because that's what I'd been exposed to before. It took a colleague of mine, known for her straight talk, to say to me, "But you're excellent at {whatever}!" And until then I'd never believed it.

People who try to toughen kids up through teasing should be charged with child abuse. I'm not kidding.

T'Mar -- I to went through the same thing in school.  There are times that I still don't believe people when they say "you did good"

I recieved a larger service award in the SCA this past summer (Middle Kingdom, a Purple Fret) and as I was kneeling in court I still expected someone to jump up with an "April's fool" and take it away.

It is hard to be one of the sentive souls out there, and it sounds like Thing2 is one of them, and Mom should be the lioness protecting her cub. Good for her.

Suze

O. My. Goodness.  I was so nervous on my wedding day because I was so sure my husband was going to say "April Fools" instead of "I Do"..... my step-father had squished every bit of confidence and self-esteem right out of me.    I just didn't believe anyone could really love me.

[EvilAlice]

I agree with this, and I don't see anything wrong with a little teasing - even to a sensitive child. It's something they will need to deal with in the world at large, and they need to learn how to get through it without breaking down. But to KEEP teasing once Thing 2 is upset, and to laugh b/c he is upset? That is horrid!!!

Exactly.  It's one thing to playfully tease.  My niece went through a phase where she took everything extremely seriously, and literally.  She scared herself half to death, poor thing.  My family are all huge smart a's and jokers and I worried about her how she'd deal with us all when she was older and people wouldn't tread so delicately around her.

There are playful ways to tease and encourage a child to join in the silliness "are you SURE that's a hat on my head?  I thought it was a big strawberry and I was just about to eat it!"  (or something asinine like that).  That lets the kid join in on the joke and be silly without being the "target".  And if even something that mild would upset her, which it sometimes would- then you back off for now. What's the point of making a poor kid miserable?  Geez, I have less patience with kids than anybody I know but even mean ole me doesn't enjoy making them cry.  It's like shooting fish in a barrel, anyway- no challenge, way too easy!