Teasing children-funny or not? (longish)

[andi]

An adult continuing to tease a an upset child under the excuse of 'toughening them up' is bullying at best and child abuse at worst.

A parent can help a child learn to distinguish between friendly banter and malicious teasing, and help a serious, shy or overly literal child learn to loosen up, but it needs to be done gently and carefully, and never cruelly, and at an appropriate age and state of development. They also need to know that their family is somewhere that they can go for support and defense when they are being bullied.

Different children have different temperments - some can handle joking and non malicious teasing at a young age, others take a longer time to be able to handle things like that.  A child doesn't have the power to stop the adults from hurting them - they can't leave the house and go home, or make them stop.

If a child is upset, and the adults continue to hurt them it teaches them that their feelings don't matter, that it's okay to hurt people who can't defend themselves even when they tell them to stop, and that the people who should be defending them are likely to turn on them instead.  It also teaches them that they're not allowed to stand up for themselves when they're being hurt.

this was beautifully put

my dad and step brother would tease sometimes till mom would make them stop - it didn't happen very often, but as a child you BELIEVE everything they say!  we had a friend who would tease her kids when they were bad by saying "i'm gonna pull the car over and leave you on the side of the road".  her kids thought it was HYSTERICALLY funny but i about had a meltdown thinking she really was gonna leave us (and i was older than her kids)

every child is different, an individual and has to be treated as such.  hopefully you'll be able to help him find his sense of humor again - but he may never react well to "teasing" and that's that.

[Mrs. Eclipse]

My family is big on teasing, and I enjoy being a part of it because for some reason it's fun, and good for bonding.  But, there are some things that really hurt when I'm teased about them.  I told my parents not to tease me about those things, but my dad just said I needed to grow a thicker skin.  I remember one time on Chirstmas Eve I went to my room crying becasue they'd hit a sore spot too hard.

Whether or not I really do need a thicker skin, if you're teasing to bond or to have fun as a family, and you send somebody crying to their room on Christmas, don't ya think maybe it's not worth it?  That we should just break out 'Scrabble' instead?

[Cyndi]

I was bullied so much in school that even now, almost ten years after I graduated from that hellhole called high school, I get mad at myself if I do anything that makes me look even the slightest bit foolish because I expect someone to come along and make a production out of it. That's what happened at school. And it hurts doubly worse if someone DOES point out the error and laugh at it.

If it's a really stupid thing that has a funny outcome, like a ketchup bottle that farts, I laugh. But if I spill something or claim I can't find something that's in plain sight and I just looked past it, I get extremely angry.

Also, unless I know a person, I can't tell if teasing is meant to be mean or in jest.


So good on the OP for stopping the teasing. If someone is clearly upset by it, then that person is being HURT! There is no such thing as "toughening up!". If there was, I would have been able to ignore the teasing I dealt with in school!

Hopefully this is a phase that passes, but if not then there's nothing wrong with the child. He's just a sensitive guy.

[T'Mar of Vulcan]

I was bullied so much in school that even now, almost ten years after I graduated from that hellhole called high school, I get mad at myself if I do anything that makes me look even the slightest bit foolish because I expect someone to come along and make a production out of it. That's what happened at school. And it hurts doubly worse if someone DOES point out the error and laugh at it.

It's been almost 20 years for me, and it's something you don't get over. I think a lot of it is the fact that events seem "larger than life" when you're younger, but I still get that sinking feeling in my chest when I think about it. It was made worse because I had relatives who did it as well, so I didn't even have a "safe place" if they were around.

They were incredibly nasty towards both me and my brother, but I always went back for more, thinking, I guess, that one day I would do something they'd approve of, and then they'd care about me. Stupid, but when you're so close to the problem you don't notice it. It took my SIL to notice and point out what they were doing.

And I'm still angry. Not that being angry is a bad thing; for me it's a defense machanism - it's easier to be blazingly angry than to want to scream, cry and throw things.

Hopefully this is a phase that passes, but if not then there's nothing wrong with the child. He's just a sensitive guy.

And let's hope he doesn't have to go through what we did, and that his relatives don't continue to abuse him. His mother did exactly the right thing.

I don't allow teasing in my class, and I say good for any parent who doesn't allow it to be done to their child either.

[ImperfctMe]

My FIL can be a bit of a bully at times. He teases, but then he takes it too far and starts to really hurt people. 3 out of his 4 children recognize that he's just being a jerk and ignore it, but one of his daughters, my SIL, is very sensitive and always starts to cry, react, get hysterical, etc. She's 35 now and she still does this so clearly years of being teased never "toughened her up". She is also now married to a man who bullies and controls her. Good job, FIL, you really did her a big favor. Personally, I will go along with FIL as long as he is being good natured but when he crosses a line, I shut him down immediately and tell him he's being nasty. I see it in my DH at times and it concerns me b/c he doesn't recognize when he's being hurtful. Teasing someone not equipped to handle it is cruel, not to mention the lowest form of humor available. It's just mean, not clever.

[Venus193]

Foxxy, this is so far beyond etiquette and well into Toxic Family territory.  I'm firmly in the camp of those who believe that teasing a child is never called for.  I also commend the poster who pointed out that the failure of other adults to stop this is telling the child that he has no boundardaries that anyone will respect.  This has disastrous consequences later.

[Lunadiana75]

My Dad is a big teaser, always has been.  He can also take it as well as dish it out.  When you let out a good zinger against him, he just laughs. That said, he never teased me to the point of tears.  I was a very sensitive child, and he knew and accepted that.  If he saw me get upset, he would stop and apologize.  he never tried to" toughen me up", he respected my boundaries. That's why I can take good natured teasing as an adult.

Good for you for defending your child.

[Sophia]

I have been thinking about this.  The family went beyond teasing into cruelty when they continued after they knew it wasn't being taken well. 

But, as someone who has had to struggle with teasing, I wonder if your son recognizes teasing as teasing?  He seemed to really think his present was being taken away.  Maybe you could work on that with him.  Also, you could ask the rest of the family including DH to make all teasing directed at sensitive son to be really really easy to spot. 

Me, I never tease anyone beyond using inside jokes.  I don't even like when people 'personalize' a joke because I start out thinking the story really is about them. 

[Lauren]

I think in the situation you described, you went straight to defensive mode and it appears you didn't try to get your son to see *at first* that they were just teasing. If that happened and they then continued, I would be just as upset as you were.

I got teased right throughout school, but I could always tell when my family were doing it, that it wasn't the same. If I felt uncomfterble I told them. Most of the time (excluding jerk uncle) they would stop. I was one of those kids who cried *every* time they got teased at school. I was oversensetive, but if you can't joke around with your family, what's the point of having them?

[DottyG]

That lets the kid join in on the joke and be silly without being the "target".

This is exactly the key point.  No one should be a "target" for abuse.  As others have said above, they've been scarred by such taunting.

Teaching a child to joke around and be silly is ok.  But, kids can learn silliness and playfulness - without being the target of bullying.

[MelJill]

I was oversensetive, but if you can't joke around with your family, what's the point of having them?

Erm--you have family to love and be loved by, to know that there are people you can rely on to stand w/ you when the going gets tough.

Joking is only joking when both sides are getting equal enjoyment.  I think the OP was 110% right in stepping in when and how she did, and the ILs are just plain old jerks.  There's no point in trying to make the son see that they're "just teasing" because that would be lying to the kid--the ILs were being rude and cruel.

Some people may think that they're showing affection and bonding by "teasing" and "joking around with" others.  It's not universal (nor are all topics equally open).  And there is nothing wrong with people who don't enjoy "teasing" and "joking around with" nor are their senses of humor lacking.  Jerks aren't funny, they're just rude, obnoxious jerks.

[DottyG]

Joking is only joking when both sides are getting equal enjoyment.

Goes back to something I've said many times.  If you're "joking" and the other person isn't laughing, you're not doing it right.  You need to learn how to tell a joke better, because you stink at it.

Jerks aren't funny, they're just rude, obnoxious jerks.

Excellent quote.

[Cydrius]

I wish I could bring something more to this discussion, but sadly, anything I'd like to say has already been said, and better than IU could ever have put it.

This is offcially the greatest mass of truths I have ever come across on the internet. I love you all people who are against such teasing.

[audhs]

It didn't "toughen me up" - it made me withdraw even more.

I was a sensitive child too and cried easily in elementary school so was an easy target for teasing.  By jr high I had stopped crying over everything but ended up with severe stomach pains and head aches.  People thought I'd toughened but really all I did was internalize it all and made myself sick.  I'm still not the best at taking teasing I tend to stiffen up and have to talk it out in my head.  I am getting better at it now but it took a long time.  (I'm 30 now)   

Teasing should stop when the person being teased doesn't think it's funny.  period.  (especially when it's children)

[ZipTheWonder]

We (society) don't tolerate one adult teasing another adult to the point of hurt.  We call that abuse. Why is it called "toughening up" when it's a child??

I'm firmly in the camp that wants him to be allowed to have his own personality.  We don't need any more tough people in this world, and you certainly don't need any more in your family.

I have some 'issues' with your mother-in-law's passive-aggressive into-the-air "I'll take this on" comment.  I like responses such as "What is that you mean by that?" to these kind of comments. That does two things:  Deflects the conversation from your son and onto you and your mo-in-law, and it pointedly (but politely) lets her know she is out of line.  Don't just let her comment stay in-the-air where she was hoping it would stay.