Teasing children-funny or not? (longish)

[Bea]

I also agree 100% that the teasing is showing the child that his boundaries are not respected and as others have said, can't put it as well as it's already been put in this thread.  But I did want to mention that part of the reason he responded the way he did to the present-teasing might not have been that he actually thought the present would be taken away, but that he just hated having all eyes on him as the butt of the joke.  I remember as a child myself (extremely sensitive) crying over teasing that I KNEW was teasing just because I hated how everyone expected me to laugh and play along when I just wanted to quietly enjoy myself in my own way and not be the center of attention like that.

[Sirius]

I had parents who made very bad judgements on what was okay to tease me about.  Combined with the fact that I was picked on by my peers a lot, I really felt like I was alone most of the time.  I couldn't turn to my own parents about things because they'd just give me crap about things that were important to me.  Of course, with my parents, it was a symptom of a larger problem when it came to respecting others, but it does still apply.  Don't tease a kid that can't handle it, and if you're going to tease somebody who can handle it, try to have some judgement about what's okay to tease about.   

This sounds so much like my childhood.  I was constantly teased about my red hair and my weight and being ugly.  Even now, when I'm 48 and wishing I could get over it, the memories still make me want to cry.  I hope along with the OP that it's just a stage, but if it continues it could be childhood depression.   

[LadyJaneinMD]

Foxxy, when I was 3 or 4 my dad would wait until my mom wasn't home and sing

My mommy has gone up to Heaven

Daddy has gone down below

Sister has gone to meet Mommy

And where I'll go nobody knows.

Of course I'd cry like my heart would break and he and my brothers would laugh.


I'm 50 now and it kills me to remember that.


You're doing the right thing.

You're doing the right thing.

You're doing the right thing.

WHAT IN THE WORLD DID HE MEAN BY THAT? What possible reason could he have to be so mean to you?
(((((IndianInLaw))))

Apparently some people think it's funny to tease until the other person is in tears.
Frankly, I LOATHE teasing in any form.  My brothers used to tease me, and when I went to our mother for comfort, she'd join in!  I still have nightmares about that, and she's been dead for almost 20 years.  I'm in my late 40s and still can't stand teasing.  Can't. Stand. It. 
I'm glad the office is quiet today, because just thinking about it has me welling up.....

You're doing the RIGHT THING.  Stand by your son. 

[goblue2539]

I had to chime in, only because all of you deserve to know that even teasers (like me) recognize that a line was crossed with the OP.  I always try to watch how someone is responding when I tease, and I always make an effort to explain or apologize if I miss the reactions.  What they did to that boy was awful, and I'm ashamed for them that they used "teasing" as an excuse. 

My stepdad doesn't have a mean bone in his body, but it did take a couple of years of my mom reminding him to tell me he was teasing before we figured each other out.  You have to know someone and they have to know you before things like that can be put in the right context.  All teasing is not bad, but the teasing being talked about in this thread most definitely is. 

[Tabris]

Would it be that the dividing line between teasing and abuse is this question?

"Hey, lay off" or "Quit it."

An abuser continues at that point, and a teaser apologizes.

[goblue2539]

Would it be that the dividing line between teasing and abuse is this question?

"Hey, lay off" or "Quit it."

An abuser continues at that point, and a teaser apologizes.

And a good teaser never lets it get that far in the first place.  They pay attention to the person they're teasing to make sure it stays in the right realm.

[Gwywnnydd]

Would it be that the dividing line between teasing and abuse is this question?

"Hey, lay off" or "Quit it."

An abuser continues at that point, and a teaser apologizes.

And a good teaser never lets it get that far in the first place.  They pay attention to the person they're teasing to make sure it stays in the right realm.

Yes, a good teaser takes their cues from the recipient, but a quick "That wasn't funny" helps when you're trying to learn someone's sore spots.
My circle of friends prides ourselves on "spending the winters drinking coffee and sharpening our wits on each other". We do, however, *warn* new members of our group that we do this, and that if we stumble on a sore spot for you PLEASE tell us. We promise we'll leave that alone. We'll only tease you about things *you* think are fun .

[goblue2539]

Yes, a good teaser takes their cues from the recipient, but a quick "That wasn't funny" helps when you're trying to learn someone's sore spots.

Oh absolultely.  I was speaking from the angle of the OP where the getting to know you phase was well past.  If you're getting to know someone new, you have to be open to them telling you to knock it off once in a while.  And vice versa too.

[ZipTheWonder]

Would it be that the dividing line between teasing and abuse is this question?

"Hey, lay off" or "Quit it."

An abuser continues at that point, and a teaser apologizes.

Except that children are not always (often?) empowered to do that to adults.  The onus is on the adults to understand that teasing can be misinterpreted and to err on the side of caution about it.

[Sharnita]

Out of curiosity, is son 2 prone to teasing others or is he sensitive to their feelings as well? This is the only reason I can see why the adults might be tempted to "push it". I think there needs to be a little balance. Perhaps after all this is over you could use this to help teach critical thinking- "Do you think Uncle Silly would really be getting Weebles for Christmas?" While the teasing is a bit beyond the pale, crying because daddy said the chips are gone, even when you can see the chips, sounds like extreme sensitivity that could be really problematic in a school setting.

[freakyfemme]

My father, who is normally a sane man, decided that since I was an only child, I needed someone else to tease me the way he teased his sister.  In order to 'toughen me up'.  Even as I child I knew that a parent should not be doing the mean sort of teasing siblings do.  It never lasted too long, because I would say, "You are my father not my brother" then leave the room.  I still remember it. 

If I leave the room in a situation like that, then it's "Oh, you're just going to be a big drama queen and SLAM out of here!!!"; regardless of how quietly I leave.  Sometimes, it's better just to be silent or change the subject, and of course, leaving isn't always an option, like at a restaurant, or in the car, and if you're there for an extended period of time, certain "teasing" themes can recur, even after silence or subject changes.  So, one of my favourite things to do is the classic "appearing to agree, but actually contradicting" manoeuvre.  For example:

MY DAD: "Freaky's school is full of lazy drunks!!!"

ME: "Yeah, it sure is funny watching those people fall on their rear ends all evening and say idiotic things to each other.  Oh, and as an extra, added perk, I get to wake up the next morning without a hangover!!!  It's great, I'm normally halfway through my day while everyone else is just rolling out of bed nursing headaches.  Oh, and of course, I never have any trouble getting a practice room on a Saturday morning."

See how this derails the situation?  If I'd said nothing, it could have continued, into "Freaky wasn't ambitious enough to go to the same school we did"; and on and on, and if I'd fed into it, I would have gotten blamed for being "too sensitive."  But, by steering the conversation the way I did, the only way it can go from there is "Isn't it great how Freaky isn't a mindless sheep?"  

[Hawkwatcher]

Would it be that the dividing line between teasing and abuse is this question?

"Hey, lay off" or "Quit it."

An abuser continues at that point, and a teaser apologizes.

Except that children are not always (often?) empowered to do that to adults.  The onus is on the adults to understand that teasing can be misinterpreted and to err on the side of caution about it.

Even if the child was empowered to tell an adult to "lay off," could you imagine the reaction of the in-laws if Son #2 had said that to them?  The OP probably would have gotten a lecture about raising her children to be disrespectful of their elders.

[Venus193]

"Respect your elders" is often a shield for abusers.

Additionally, a captive situation for teasing (in a car in the middle of traffic, in a public place where you don't dare make a scene) is compounding the abuse.  In this case, Freaky's approach is perfect.

However, Freaky is an adult and this is a tactic that requires adult intelligence, experience, and some practice.  I stand on my opinion that adults who tease defenseless children are abusive and need correction.  Repeat correction as necessary.

The Toxic Families forum was founded as Toxic Parents, after the book by Dr. Susan Forward.  Before that book was published in 1986 there was a huge taboo about children criticizing their parents at any age, whether to their faces or to others.  There is no reason to respect "elders" who do not respect a child's or teen's dignity and personhood.