• May 23, 2018, 04:11:14 PM

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Author Topic: She's two months pregnant and already planning her baby shower - SIL update  (Read 18114 times)

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Not much advice, but just some big HUGS for you. Sounds like you need them.  :-\
"Follies and nonsense, whims and inconsistencies DO divert me, I own- and I laugh at them whenever I can." -Jane Austen

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J-M   Im so sorry for your loss

you know,  there really is nothing on earth that says you have to deal with her at all.

go out for the day. take a book to the park for a quiet read. go to the shops. have a  relaxing coffee in a cafe.
anything really.

your SIL is very demanding  and believe me when i tell you  that sitting with someone who is pregnant and going on and on about it  (rightly so coz its exciting for them)  while you've just lost a baby   is  very painful.

everytime i miscarried  people would sit and talk to me how wonderful their pregnancy was going  or how cute their newborn was.  i didnt want to deal with it because i was still grieving.

Ms Aspasia

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J-M, I'm so sorry for your loss.

You know, even if you've been "the capable go-to" woman heretofore, there's no reason you can't switch up roles for one day. Without being rude, can you channel a more "helpless" persona for their visit---the kind of 19th-century lady who'd receive them sitting decoratively on her fainting couch, who visitors can't take advantage of because, darn it all, she's so delicate...

Don't run around getting them food or drink when they come. Wave a languid hand "oh, I think there's something in the fridge to drink, do help yourself."

"A baby shower in Ye Grande Place? Isn't that lovely. Handmade invitations. I'd love to help you with that, but it just isn't possible. Why not? Oh, you know," (insert vague helpless look) "it just isn't possible. Handmade candies? What a clever idea. Me make them? Aren't you sweet to want to include me. Alas...that's not something I can do. But if you have the shower on a day that I'm free, I'll surely try to come! But it's so far off...who can say, really?"  >:D ::) (ok, maybe not that last part)
I like this!

Also, I'm sorry for your loss.


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Even if they're not staying overnight, you're clearly not up for hosting duties.  I'd be out tomorrow afternoon/reschedule the visit.  I think it's insanely insensitive to expect someone to host people that annoy her after such an emotional moment. 
Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with shades of deeper meaning. - Maya Angelou

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. - Maya Angelou


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She called last night to officially tell us she's pregnant and let us know she and MIL will be coming to visit tomorrow.

Is this a self-invited visit? If so, is it an option to not be home when they show up? If SIL starts up with her ridiculous demands, have your DH shut her down quickly, and show her the door.

Also, some gentle ((hugs)).

Oh Joy

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So sorry for your loss.

I don't see anything wrong with your telling her directly, 'I'm so looking forward to attending your shower as a guest.  I'm sorry, but I won't be able to help with the preparations and hosting.'

Best wishes.

Erich L-ster

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this would possibly be looked at as rude, but i wouldn't think it's more rude than she had been with the demands: research a list of places she can buy (her own) invitations, a place she can buy candies, etc. and give her that. what a @%$#%&& !


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((( ))) I am terribly sorry.

I think Ms-Shells advice and responses are quite good - "Homemade candy? Who does that? Wouldn't you rather have something that was done by a professional? Oh dear, IPhone's ringing ..."


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First off big ((hugs)), I'm so sorry for your loss. I also know that it feels like salt rubbing in a wound when someone else announces a pregnancy, especially when it's an accident/someone you don't think is fit or ready.

Planning the shower already I'm due in September as well and my mom and I have talked about it tentatively. However, I wouldn't mention it to anyone else yet.

I agree, just politely decline her requests. It's not your job to do her invites (also 100 people??? Really?) or make the candy.


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J-M, I'm so sorry for your loss as well. It's been 15 years for me, and I can honestly say that time has softened the actual loss, but I vividly remember the pain at the time and the pain caused by the insensitivity of others (particularly my ILs.)

Please play that work-emergency card and excuse yourself. Don't be a martyr to the absolute rudeness of the special snowflakes in your life.

It doesn't really matter how you say no, because SIL a) won't like hearing it and b) won't appreciate or understand your reasons. Someone who makes these kinds of demands isn't someone who will respond quickly or willingly to reason. You'd be expecting an elephant to start dancing ballet. The elephant just isn't equipped to do that.

My mother told my sister I would be hosting a graduation luncheon for oldest niece. She didn't ask me. She planned it for one of the three months of the year I have made clear (for decades now) are three months I am snowed under and unavailable for extra commitments. (last two weeks of August, first two weeks of Sept; two weeks before Nutcracker and two weeks after; May with end of school year/recital.)

Just say no. It really doesn't matter if you say it humorously, or firmly, or loaded up with apologies. Your SIL will either be offended forever or will let it go after awhile only to ask you something else outrageous later.

No matter what, the elephant isn't going to pirouette.


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Who wants to eat baby feet? :P


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J-M I'm so sorry for your loss. Now is a terrible time for you to have to deal with your ridiculous SIL. I think you should email yourself now and get out of the whole thing. SIL can take her baby feet candies and go jump in a lake.
If I had some ham, I could have ham and eggs, if I had some eggs.


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So sorry for your loss.
I had one miscarriage years ago, if I had to sit thru someone talking about a baby shower, I would have started hysterically crying.
Do NOT sit at home and wait for their arrival, even if you have your escape planned with a "work emergency". Take your kid and go somewhere, anywhere else, then send SIL a message you won't be able to help with baby shower at all because of work. You KNOW you will be really busy all summer long.


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they are probably coming by to pick up all of your son's old baby stuff!

Precarious Armada

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I wonder if telling them (by text or email) of your loss, and telling them you will not be contactable for the next few months while you recover, would be a viable strategy. This would provide you with some protection from their thoroughly unsympathetic behavior for at least a few months.