phone call after a date?

[HushHush]

I had a fantastic date last Friday night.  He was passing through my city to visit his fmaily for Christmas and we met for dinner.  Really, it was one of the best dates I've had in a very very long time.  As we said goodbye, I gave him my phone number (blind date) and said I would really like for him to call me.  He said that he would have to see about coming back to *famous resort city* and I mentioned travelling up to his state as I have lots of family there.

What is the time frame for a phone call?  He's 33 and I'm 27.  He's currently visiting his family over the holidays and said that he'll be back home Jan 1.  We've exchanged phone numbers.  I sent him a drive safe text message last Saturday as he was driving and it can be a treacherous road to where he was going.

At what point do I decide that he's apparently not interested?  I hate game playing and think that if you want to talk to someone, call them but I also really really like this guy and I don't want to freak him out by pushing things.

Also, our religion really emphasizes the family and he mentioned he really wants kids soon and I'd love to get married again.

Charlotte

[wetblanket]

This seems like more of a relationship question than a strict etiquette question, but that's cool.   

I say:  He can still call you even though he is visiting relatives.  Somewhere during that visit he must have a little "down time" during which he can make calls.  He can definitely return your text message. 

That is, if he is really keen on you.  I got the impression that he isn't very keen.

He said that he would have to see about coming back to *famous resort city*

Saying "I'll have to see" about returning to your city is about as non-committal as you can get.  I think it translates to "no".

My two cents.

[sparksals]

I'm going to go with waiting for him to call you.  I think the "drive safe" text message was pushing it a bit after a first blind date, TBH.  That may be a total turn off for him or he may really appreciate it. 

Let him call you.  Men get extremely turned off by pushy women (not saying you're being pushy).  Let him pursue you if he's interested.  Do not call him.  If he is interested, he WILL call. 

I know you're interested in remarrying, but it sounds like you've already lined him up to be husband material.  That could be a huge turn off for him. 

As for timeframe, since he's visiting family over the holidays, don't expect a call until after he returns in the new year.  Whatever you do, do not call him!

[hobish]

I think if you gave him time to get back home & maybe gave him a call on the 2nd or 3d that wouldn't be too bad. Couldn't hurt, right?

About him havnig time to contact you while visiting family ... personally i wouldn't count on it & definitely wouldn't obsess if he didn't. If family is very important to your (both of your) religion he really may not have time to pop off a quick text message ~ hey, some of us can't even text "hello" quickly ~ and may not want prying people listen as he calls some girl with whom he had ONE date.



...my $.02

[platys]

I think if the guy was interested, he would have found a way to text or call or email by now.  I would certainly not contact him again until he contacted me.

Any time I've ever had a guy interested in me, he's contacted me almost right away after our first date.  When contact has been like pulling teeth, he just wasn't That Into Me (tm), no matter how much I may wish he was.

[NOVA Lady]

I fifth what others have said here. If he was into you I think he'd have called. And while he may call after the New Year I don't think calling him would be a good idea. You've already sent him a text (and unless his phone is somehow incapable of recieving it, but thats a far shot) he will chose to respond or not.

Though I have the "I'll call you" white lie some guys tell. So frustrating

[ImperfctMe]

Step away from the phone. Do not call him. You have no idea what his family is like, unless you discussed it on your blind date. They could be a crazy bunch, and he's sitting there thinking, "I never want to get married if it means turning into these people!" The best thing you can do is focus on expanding your dating pool. Make sure you make plans for New Year's Eve. If you start pinning all your "What if we got married..." hopes on one person it becomes very stressful for them. You want to seem like a really fun person to hang out with, someone with a lot of interests and friends - not someone who calls repeatedly, is needy, etc. I think texting him a "Drive Safe!" message was fine, it shows you're being polite and thoughtful, but let him make the next move.

[HushHush]

I already have plans for New Years.  A friend is coming into town and we're heading to a party another friend is giving.  I'm also hosting a going away party for another friend this Friday.

I want to clarify that I haven't gone all "we're getting mmmaaarrrrrriieeddd!" on this whole thing.  While I would like to get remarried, I won't go through a divorce again so I've got to be really sure about it.  I would like to remember what it is to date someone, though, as I've been on three dates in the last year.

And, it was technically a blind date since we didn't know each other personally, but we had e-mailed a few times and we knew what the other looked like.

Charlotte

[sparksals]

I think if the guy was interested, he would have found a way to text or call or email by now.  I would certainly not contact him again until he contacted me.

Any time I've ever had a guy interested in me, he's contacted me almost right away after our first date.  When contact has been like pulling teeth, he just wasn't That Into Me (tm), no matter how much I may wish he was.

HOw true that is!  A guy WILL call if he is interested and he will find time to do so quickly.  

I met my dh on a Saturday night in Seoul.  He called me Monday afternoon to arrange our first date which we decided to be Wednesday.  

Calling or even texting a guy one day after an initial blind date is a bit much, IMHO, and is also recipe for him not to ever call.  

[veryfluffy]

I don't think you should call him, but if he doesn't call you straight away I still wouldn't write him off. One kind of first date is the sort that is oh-my-god-this-is-the-one, immediately inseparable passionate, etc. Often there is no "will-he-call-me?" issue because, well, he's still there after the date! But as many of us know, those sorts of first dates don't necessarily make for long term relationships. Another kind of first date leaves both people thinking "...hmmmm. That was nice..."  The thing is that you live in different cities, and he could be a nice, genuine sort of person who maybe doesn't think that is the best basis for a relationship. He might be a bit on the practical side, and think, "That was nice. Next time I am in "city" I'd like to see her again."

But don't call him, unless you are genuinely going to be in his city for other reasons.

[Corrina]

Definitely let him do the calling. Guys are really turned off by a woman who appears "desperate", even if we aren't.

One story though. Four and a half years ago I met this guy on a blind date and we hit it off. I gave him my number and waited a week for him to call. I called him myself after a week and it turns out he had lost the number I had given him. Well, the guy he lived with actually threw it out! It's not that he didn't have interest in me, because this year we were married. So it doesn't always work out with the rules, and I'm glad I gave him a call, otherwise he would've never gotten up the courage to call me (he's an extremely shy guy with new people)

[JoyinVirginia]

He could be really busy with visiting family, doing errands or chores around the house for aging relatives, or seeing old friends, or whatever. Maybe he wants to wait until he is home and has privacy, and does not want his family to be involved in his love life. I would suggest you wait until the 2nd or 3rd to email or call, maybe send a "Happy New Year" email on the first.

Just because you have not heard from him does NOT automatically mean he "isn't into you."

Personal anecdote: I met my DH at a party after Thanksgiving. We talked for hours but he didn't ask for my number, I figured he wasn't interested in anything more. Fast forward two months, my cousin and another friend were talking about how DH was lonely and needed a nice girl to date, I said I didn't think he was interested in me, and cousin and friend told me he was just really shy. They planned another party, made sure he was there and I went, and I asked HIM out. Later DH told me he NEVER asked for anyone's phone number, he was worried about being rejected. I was pushy, I made the phone calls, I said let's go out, or come over to have dinner. End result: We got married a year later and it will soon be 24 years. 
joy in Virginia

[hobish]

Are you guys into The Rules, by any chance?

Maybe i am just not very old fashioned or into playing games, but i see nothing wrong with calling a guy you are interested in.

[ImperfctMe]

I think that book The Rules was not the best advice anyone could follow, considering both of the authors are divorced now. I just happen to have a lot of guy friends and I listen to what they say. Most of them like being the pursuer, not the pursued, except of course there are guys who are shy - as some people have noted - who like you to be in charge. I think it depends on the guy and what his personality is like, but the majority of them will be turned off if you call them. On top of that, it is the holiday season, when everyone's plans are wacky and weird and you're dealing with family demands, etc. so it's not really a great time to start a relationship. I think normal expectations about when to call, how long, etc. kinda go out the window when you're dealing with holiday stress.

Charlotte, glad to hear you have other plans, though, and I didn't mean to sound like you were being all "so where do you want me to park the u-haul with all my stuff in it?" Always best to keep things loose and make sure you're having fun - not waiting around for someone else to provide you with fun, if you get my meaning.

[Morty'sCleaningLady]

Hi Charlotte,

The text message let him know you are interested.  Give him time to call.  If you don't hear from him in a week (it is the holiday season), send an e-mail.  Joy in VA's Happy New Year message is a great idea!  If you hear back, great!  If you don't, he wasn't interested.  In my single days, I had dates that I was sure would call and I'd learn from other sources that had pursued another girl.  I also had horrible dates that would call.  Keep dating in the interrim!

Lots of luck!