phone call after a date?

[hobish]

I think that book The Rules was not the best advice anyone could follow, considering both of the authors are divorced now.

LOL, i didn't know they'e both divorced now. Not to laugh at them for being divorced, that's just mean ... but the irony.

Good point about the holidays, too.

[ImperfctMe]

I think that book The Rules was not the best advice anyone could follow, considering both of the authors are divorced now.

LOL, i didn't know they'e both divorced now. Not to laugh at them for being divorced, that's just mean ... but the irony.

Good point about the holidays, too.

Quite a delicious little lump of schandenfraude, isn't it? (totally mispelled sdfd I'm sure but you know what I mean).

ETA: Just one of them is divorced, it turns out - http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m0BDW/is_20_42/ai_74699230 - but she was getting divorced as they were going to press on one of the books. Whatever, in Googling this I remembered why I hated this book. It basically tells you to act like someone different than you are in order to attract a man and marry him. And then, I suppose, be surprised when the real you comes out eventually and you end up unhappy? Point is, don't change your personality, but do try to avoid being desperate. Everyone, men and women alike, are attracted to self-confident people, not needy people.

[platys]

I'm not into the rules, but the OP has already:

1.  Said she might be interested in going to the area where the guy lives (Presumably to see him)
2.  Gave her his phone number.
3.  Texted him.

She's all but taken out an ad in the paper saying she's interested.  Which is fine, but the ball is now in the guy's court. 

[TZ]

I'm not into the rules, but the OP has already:

1.  Said she might be interested in going to the area where the guy lives (Presumably to see him)
2.  Gave her his phone number.
3.  Texted him.

She's all but taken out an ad in the paper saying she's interested.  Which is fine, but the ball is now in the guy's court. 

I totally agree!  I'm not into the rules, but he's already gotten the message; if he's interested, pursuing it further might turn him off. 

Platys, He's Just Not That Into You (tm) is great!  And, in my experience, it's generally true.  I once dated a guy who would wait two weeks to a month to call between dates.  He ended every date with, "I'll call you."  Finally, I asked him, "Does that mean you're actually going to call this time?"  He stammered some noncommittal response and never called again.  BF, on the other hand, called the day after our first date, even though I knew he was going to a wedding.  He found the time to call between the ceremony and reception.  I really think that, no matter how busy someone is, he can at least find the time to respond to a text message.  Even if his family is weird, he could do so late at night, take the phone in the bathroom, etc.

[hobish]

Ok, i see where y'all are coming from when you put it together that way.

i personally don't put much stock in text messages, mostly because
1) they're impersonal
2) i know i don't always get mine & can't tell when i do get them when they were sent; even though everything else about my phone/plan is great & assume others might have the same issues
3)it takes me 20 minutes to text about 6 words

...i've also been in a committed relationship for ...is it 6? years now, so i may be slightly out o' the loop, i guess

In any case, Carlotte, i'm sure your gut will point you in the right direction. Guts never lie.

[HushHush]

Believe me, I'd love to date but my competition is stiff in my single's ward full of girls who are younger, thinner, blonder and without an ex-husband and child.  I've been on a total of three dates in the last year and I asked the guy out for one of those.

I'm not concerned about him being shy as he initially contacted me and said multiple times that he was excited about meeting me.  He's very outgoing and called me when I gave him my phone number to make sure I had his number in my cell phone.

I totally suck at patience and I think The Rules suck.  I don't see anything wrong with calling a guy or asking them out but I've heard from too many people of both sexes that its a turn off for most guys.  So...

And, I do know people that don't respond to text messages at all because they don't want to pay the .10 per message.  Whatever.  I didn't have a bulk package on my phone for a while either but I would still respond because I think its rude not to. So, they are out there.

Thanks for the comments!  I think I'll wait until after New Years to see if he's just been really involved with family.  I don't want to be the pushy, desperate woman.

Charlotte

[sparksals]

Are you guys into The Rules, by any chance?

Maybe i am just not very old fashioned or into playing games, but i see nothing wrong with calling a guy you are interested in.

Personally, I'm not into "The Rules".  I do think sitting back and allowing the man to pursue you is the best way to go.  Sure, there's exceptions like Joy mentioned when her dh lost her phone number.  But in the whole scheme of things, most men like to do the pursuit and are turned off by the woman coming on strongly.  Like someone upthread said, it appears to be desperate. 

I don't think it's a matter of playing games at all.  I sat back when I met my dh and let him pursue me.  I hadn't dated in a very long time and I was out of practice.  I let him contact me if he wanted a date and he would frequently show up at the pub when he knew I'd be there.  It was a no pressure kind of thing which allowed him to do his own thing without feeling pressure from me to get more serious.   Our relationship evolved naturally.

Years ago, when I dated, I would call the guy to say I enjoyed our date or that I had a good time.  Most of the time, I never heard back.  When a man feels put into a corner or the woman coming on too strongly, he pulls away FAST.

Not all men are like this, but the percentage is vast, IMHO.

[sparksals]

I'm not into the rules, but the OP has already:

1.  Said she might be interested in going to the area where the guy lives (Presumably to see him)
2.  Gave her his phone number.
3.  Texted him.

She's all but taken out an ad in the paper saying she's interested.  Which is fine, but the ball is now in the guy's court. 

Absolutely!  The ball is definitely in his court when you spell out how the OP has clearly shown she is interested. 

[CrayonOutlines]

Are you guys into The Rules, by any chance?

Maybe i am just not very old fashioned or into playing games, but i see nothing wrong with calling a guy you are interested in.

I think that book is ridiculous, too, but I totally agree with sparksals that life experience has taught me that no matter how much men say they like forward women, they don't (unless she's a Swedish bikini model with a keg of beer).  Conversely, women don't REALLY want sensitive men, i.e., we don't want wimps who cry when they see Kodak commercials. 

Beyond sex differences, most people don't want something that comes too easily.  I went on a few dates with a very nice guy recently, but he was immediately ga-ga over me, which creeped me out (there was no way he could have been THAT into me -- we barely knew one another!).  It was too easy and he was too junior high (among other issues that were turn-offs).

To the OP: don't give up hope until a few days after you know he's back home.  Maybe e-mail him just to say hi around the 4th or so.  As far as the text goes, it's been my experience that they're frequently not delivered, so he may not have received it.  I think the other posters are correct in that men will pursue women they're interested in, but there are also odd circumstances (like Corrina mentioned) in which numbers are lost, cell phones die, etc.

[sparksals]

Believe me, I'd love to date but my competition is stiff in my single's ward full of girls who are younger, thinner, blonder and without an ex-husband and child.  I've been on a total of three dates in the last year and I asked the guy out for one of those.

Charlotte,

Men pick up on lack of confidence.  Don't view this as a competition, as I kind of felt the same way when I was in Korea.  Most Western, caucasian men were interested in Korean women for the "thrill" of it because they were something different.  I wasn't even looking or thinking of dating when I met my dh because I was convinced I wouldn't meet anyone because of the Korean girl competition.  

You will meet the right guy when the time is right.  When I was not looking was when I found my dh, but also when I exuded confidence and independence.  Men pick up on those things.  

dating is a great way to meet someone, but when you're on the hunt for husband material, it is likely to fail.  It  happens when you are not looking and you least expect it.  At least, in my case it did.  

I have one question for you - on your date with this fellow, who brought up "having kids"?  I know you said he wants them, but was it you or he who initiated that topic?

[Tarendol]

I think the OP has made a good decision here, but I wanted to give a guy's point of view. We too are told to be careful about calling women so as not to appear desperate . You have no idea how much debate goes on about how many days you have to wait before calling someone and if you should give her your number and who should pay for the date. It is just as scary for us, believe me!

I know it's not the "old school" way, but I would really recommend being a little more aggressive about things. If you like a guy just tell him. It will turn some guys off but you would be surprised how many will like it. I know the most excited I ever got about a date was when a woman just came out and asked me. I mean... it is awfully hard getting shot down, it's nice to be chosen now and then.

[HushHush]

He asked me about my son and then mentioned that he hadn't been 'baby hungry' before but the last few years, he's been really feeling the urge.  He said he'd been engaged but it hadn't worked out and asked why I was divorced.  I gave the extremely abbreviated version (alcoholic and abusive) before I changed the subject.  I think it moved to his childhood and I found out that he was born in the same tiny part of Idaho that a great deal of my extended family is from (and I spent most summers until the age of 16 working on my grandparent's farm) and his mom and my dad went to high school together.

I don't mean to sound like I lack confidence.  I think I'm pretty not because anyone else tells me but because I think so.  I'm capable, competent and able to handle an awful lot of stuff-I work full time, go to school full time, take care of my family, handle friends, write my book, etc etc.  So when I say that the younger girls are my 'competition' I should have clarified that while the DVD of my life comes with bonus features, they are 'easier' if that makes any sense.  They are all extremely nice and I usually end up mothering the college students away from home for the first time.

Also, I haven't even felt like I've been actively looking.  I've started making plans and goals with things that I used to be waiting to do with a husband.  I wasn't even expecting this date to go as well as it did so it has all kind of broadsided me.

I'm in the camp of 'if you want to do something bad enough, you'll find a way to do it'.  Doesn't matter what it is.  The time/money/education will be found to be able to do it.  But, I also know how hard it can be to find time away from family that hasn't see you in months.  There is no spare time during a four day family reunion in my family so I can understand that he might be overwhelmed with family obligations.

It's all in the 'we'll see' camp.  And I swear I don't normally use that many ''s in a normal post!  

Charlotte

[artk2002]

I think that book is ridiculous, too, but I totally agree with sparksals that life experience has taught me that no matter how much men say they like forward women, they don't (unless she's a Swedish bikini model with a keg of beer).  Conversely, women don't REALLY want sensitive men, i.e., we don't want wimps who cry when they see Kodak commercials. 

<sarcasm>
Bzzzzzzt!  Thank you for playing Sweeping Generalizations!

Thank you for speaking on behalf of all men and all women, everywhere.  I'm sure that I speak for all of us in saying how we appreciate being told what we like and don't like.
</sarcasm>

This comment really belongs in the "Pet Peeves" thread... I truly, truly dislike generalizations, particularly gender-based.  I'm very sorry that your experience has been that narrow, that you haven't met (or, rather, noticed) people who don't think that way, but we do exist.

My opinion?  "Hard to get" is a BS game and The Rules did nothing to enhance anyone's lives.  If you (generic) are interested in someone, then approach them.  Waiting for someone else to figure out what you (again, generic) are thinking is demeaning (IMO) to both parties.

[Tarendol]

My opinion?  "Hard to get" is a BS game and The Rules did nothing to enhance anyone's lives.  If you (generic) are interested in someone, then approach them.  Waiting for someone else to figure out what you (again, generic) are thinking is demeaning (IMO) to both parties.

You are 100% correct.

[Heavenly]

OK...I asked dh about this because we were older when we met and so we'd both been through the "later dating" scene.

He said...CALL HIM.  But wait until he's been home a few days.  This is the beginning of a possible relationship and if you're both sitting there wondering what to do (and not calling) then it can't go anywhere.  By calling you are indicating your interest to continue.  Keep it light.  He says you'll be able to tell from his response when you call whether to go for it or to just chalk it up to a great date...period. 

Good Luck!