phone call after a date?

[CherryB]

Hi Charlotte,

The text message let him know you are interested.  Give him time to call.  If you don't hear from him in a week (it is the holiday season), send an e-mail.  Joy in VA's Happy New Year message is a great idea!  If you hear back, great!  If you don't, he wasn't interested.  In my single days, I had dates that I was sure would call and I'd learn from other sources that had pursued another girl.  I also had horrible dates that would call.  Keep dating in the interrim!

Lots of luck!

No..No..No....Do not contact him again. Not even an email. If he is interested he would call. The fact that he hasn't speaks volumes. Let it go. If its meant to be HE will call you.

[ZipTheWonder]

You went out.  You had fun.  You made contact after the date.  So......

I would allow him to return the contact, just as I would with any other friend.  I think that would be the polite thing to do whether you had just had dinner with a man you are very interested in seeing again or whether you had dinner with a girlfriend from the office who shares your interest in knitting.  I would allow him to be a part of the social reciprocity.

[Heavenly]

I'm not sure a text message (which could have been lost) would count as "making contact".  ?  I mean they didn't talk...it was just a text.  I don't know, but I wouldn't consider it contact--perhaps that's just me?

[blarg314]

The thing that irrritated me about The Rules was that it was all about getting a man - but not so much about developing a lasting healthy relationship, or actually getting a man that was genuinely interested in you and compatible with you.  Yes, I could pretend to be someone I'm not, and play all sorts of head games that would get me more dates than I have now, but boy are they going to be surprised when I revert to my normal self.  I've seen a couple of total lunatics who play The Rules beautifully, and get lots of attention, but unfortunately they really aren't very nice people, and don't treat their partners very well once they've got them.

Basically, one of the things I look for in a relationship is someone who *isn't* all hung up on traditional gender roles and behaviour.

I think the 'he's not that into you' idea makes more sense - it's more of a way of independently analysing the situation to try and separate what you wish were the case (Rationalising he loves me, but is just really shy so he can't talk to my, and really busy and disorganised, so he keeps losing my phone number and doesn't have time to call, and is just going out with all those other women so he doesn't obsess over me.... ) from what is actually going on (he isn't interested in me and wants to date other people).

To the OP, though, he's got your phone number, your text message and your email address, so he does know how to contact you, and you've contacted him first, so I think it would be better to wait. If you don't hear after New Years, you could drop a casual email - if he doesn't respond to that, or does so half heartedly, then drop it completely.

[sparksals]

My opinion?  "Hard to get" is a BS game and The Rules did nothing to enhance anyone's lives.  If you (generic) are interested in someone, then approach them.  Waiting for someone else to figure out what you (again, generic) are thinking is demeaning (IMO) to both parties.

Where did anyone say they were playing hard to get?  I chose to sit back and let my now dh pursue me without putting any pressure or expectations on him.  That hardly construes as playing a hard to get BS game or following the advice in a ridiculous book that I've never even read.  Talk about generalizations!

[TZ]

Even if he didn't get the text message (and he probably did), he is perfectly capable of calling the OP.  I would give him some time do so, as the holidays can be hectic.  I agree that a follow-up email is appropriate, but I would give him some time to contact the OP first.  I also think that a text message counts.  It isn't as personal as a phone call or email, but at least it shows the recipient that the sender is thinking of him.  

At the risk of making a sweeping generalization, I think that both men and women can perceive behavior as being pushy when they aren't really sure about somebody or definitely aren't interested.  This isn't true of everybody, of course, but I have been turned off by guys who call and email too much, too soon.  This is because I hadn't had time to decide whether or not I wanted to continue seeing them, or I already had the feeling that I didn't.  The "pushy" calling was the nail in the coffin.  Most of my female friends have been in similar situations.  On the other hand, if I'm interested in someone, I want him to call as much as possible.  I would never feel pressured by receiving phone calls and emails from somebody with whom I truly felt a connection.    

[CrayonOutlines]

I think that book is ridiculous, too, but I totally agree with sparksals that life experience has taught me that no matter how much men say they like forward women, they don't (unless she's a Swedish bikini model with a keg of beer).  Conversely, women don't REALLY want sensitive men, i.e., we don't want wimps who cry when they see Kodak commercials. 

<sarcasm>
Bzzzzzzt!  Thank you for playing Sweeping Generalizations!

Thank you for speaking on behalf of all men and all women, everywhere.  I'm sure that I speak for all of us in saying how we appreciate being told what we like and don't like.
</sarcasm>

I am fully aware that I was speaking in generalizations.  I am also fully aware, as are you, that I stated that it was my experience.

I am also aware that your use of sarcasm turned me off to your message.  Instead of thinking, "Point taken," I thought something much less flattering.  You might want to reconsider when you decide to use sarcasm, especially when posting on an etiquette forum.

[cass2591]

<sarcasm>
Bzzzzzzt!  Thank you for playing Sweeping Generalizations!

Thank you for speaking on behalf of all men and all women, everywhere.  I'm sure that I speak for all of us in saying how we appreciate being told what we like and don't like.
</sarcasm>

While I tend to agree with your sentiment, I think your delivery is a bit harsh. Mocking the person(s) with whom you disagree does nothing but create bad feelings. I would be interested in your opinion, but not at the expense of those who think differently.

[artk2002]

Where did anyone say they were playing hard to get?  I chose to sit back and let my now dh pursue me without putting any pressure or expectations on him.  That hardly construes as playing a hard to get BS game or following the advice in a ridiculous book that I've never even read.  Talk about generalizations!

Several people in the thread were advocating "don't call him, let him call you" and, I believe, at least one person mentioned The Rules favorably, at least by inference.  I didn't state that you in particular were doing this.  You chose your route, which worked for you, and I applaud you for that.  For me, I would certainly prefer that people didn't simply fall into these roles.  I think that people should choose the mode that works for them, because it is right for them and not because of societal expectations or unhelpful self-help books tell them to.  But I also think that taking action is far healthier than sitting by the phone hoping that someone else will make the next move.

By the way, what I did was not a broad generalization -- I didn't characterize all people of both genders as having a particular preference.  I stated what my preference is.

[artk2002]

While I tend to agree with your sentiment, I think your delivery is a bit harsh. Mocking the person(s) with whom you disagree does nothing but create bad feelings. I would be interested in your opinion, but not at the expense of those who think differently.

You are correct, and I did go a bit overboard.  It's one of those things that builds up over time.  There are, sadly, frequent gender assumptions on this board, mostly biased against men -- probably due to the gender makeup of the forum.  I generally bite my tongue over the "oh, those men, you can't do anything with them" type posts these days, but once in a while, they get to me.  The one in the current case applied to both men and women, so I felt a bit more strongly about it.

[artk2002]

I am fully aware that I was speaking in generalizations.  I am also fully aware, as are you, that I stated that it was my experience.

I am also aware that your use of sarcasm turned me off to your message.  Instead of thinking, "Point taken," I thought something much less flattering.  You might want to reconsider when you decide to use sarcasm, especially when posting on an etiquette forum.

I apologize for the sarcasm.  It was inappropriate.

[hobish]

...and i brought up The Rules, initially. It was meant as an honest question. My apologies to anyone who may have thought otherwise - i can see how it may have sounded bad, but really was not intended to.

In fact, i have learned that i am one of those way too forward women, lol. 

[CrayonOutlines]

I apologize for the sarcasm.  It was inappropriate.

Thank you.   

And my apologies for my generalization.  I meant to acknowledge it in my original post, but must have forgotten.

[CreteGirl]

I'm with the others who said don't call.  He will call you if he is interested.  That's not playing games, that's just the way things go.  Guys like the chase.  I wish I had better understood that when I was younger and dating.  I was always too available.  I think things would have been much better had I known then what I know now.

[JoyinVirginia]

Guys like the chase. 

Just to reiterate - depends on the age and personality of the guy. When I met DH he was 29, I was 25, I did the chasing, and it worked out for us. The OP has actually met this guy, and should decide what to do next based on the real-life experience.
Just my two cents
joy in Virginia