Author Topic: Apologies ignored and friendship not what I thought?? Update #285  (Read 65661 times)

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Fleur-de-Lis

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Re: Apologies ignored and friendship not what I thought?? Update #2
« Reply #90 on: March 07, 2011, 01:03:51 PM »
So, as I said at the weekend, we seem to now be in polite acquaintance territory.  It's awkward but it's better than the cut direct I guess. I am ok with keeping things like that.

(snip)

But is not acknowledging her email rude??

I don't see not replying as rude.  She didn't ask any questions.  She simply made statements.  I believe you can safely categorize the statements as "duly noted; no action needed".  

Emma
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Perfect Circle

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Re: Apologies ignored and friendship not what I thought?? Update #2
« Reply #91 on: March 07, 2011, 01:30:36 PM »
So, as I said at the weekend, we seem to now be in polite acquaintance territory.  It's awkward but it's better than the cut direct I guess. I am ok with keeping things like that.

(snip)

But is not acknowledging her email rude??

I don't see not replying as rude.  She didn't ask any questions.  She simply made statements.  I believe you can safely categorize the statements as "duly noted; no action needed".  

Emma

Totally agreed.

You might set yourself up for even more hurt if you did reply and heard nothing back.
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Samgirl2

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Re: Apologies ignored and friendship not what I thought?? Update #2
« Reply #92 on: March 09, 2011, 05:26:33 AM »
UPDATE

OP again!

So, she has just sent me an email saying 'Hi there. Hope you are well. I suggested some time ago that we meet for coffee. How does saturday suit at (her suggested time and place)?

What do I do?! I thought about it for a while and have replied just saying, 'Ok sure, see you then, have a good rest of the week'.  Polite but not trying to engage her in anything or be overly friendly.

She replied straight back with 'OK, see you then!', which sounds kind of like she is trying to sound happy/excited/friendly, which is confusing?

I have real mixed feelings though about meeting up. I have no idea how she will be and whether it's because she wants things to be normal again or because she wants to rant at me face to face this time? I feel like she has the power here. I also want things to go back to normal but after some of her behaviour etc I would have a really hard time doing that but I don't want to be awkward and cool with her if it's going to make it worse.  It's confusing!
« Last Edit: March 09, 2011, 06:28:23 AM by Samgirl2 »

WolfWay

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Re: Apologies ignored and friendship not what I thought?? Update #2
« Reply #93 on: March 09, 2011, 05:53:35 AM »
Go in cautiously and be prepared to get up and walk away if she starts ranting at you. You don't have to sit there and be verbally/emotionally abused by this woman. To be honest, if it was me, I wouldn't be going to coffee with her. She wanted you to leave her alone, so that's what I'd be doing.
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VorFemme

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Re: Apologies ignored and friendship not what I thought?? Update #93
« Reply #94 on: March 09, 2011, 08:20:40 AM »
It sounds like she may have adjusted to whatever was going on in her head about the pregnancy, etc. (since we don't know what the heck was going on in her head, her marriage, and the rest of her life) and is finally noticing that she has a "rest of her life" to get back to.

Go, but be prepared to interact ONLY to the level that you are comfortable with - because she was the one who withdrew from "the rest of her life" - not you. 

She might not even have realized how many feelings she's hurt by being so prickly.........even though petting porcupines and hedgehogs is painful enough that most people give up quickly, she may not realize that she's been THAT prickly and given that kind of negative reinforcement to everyone she had been socializing with. 
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sparksals

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Re: Apologies ignored and friendship not what I thought?? Update #93
« Reply #95 on: March 09, 2011, 08:23:24 AM »
I agree with WW. If it were me, I wouldn't go. Too much has happened and she has sent extremely mixed signals.

You said it perfectly when you stated she has all the power.  I have said before that she holds all the cards if you allow her to treat you this way.  By going, it reinforces her behaviour. And treatment of you has been OK. I wouldn't trust her as far as I can throw her.  JMHO. 

sparksals

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Re: Apologies ignored and friendship not what I thought?? Update #93
« Reply #96 on: March 09, 2011, 08:29:21 AM »
VF - I think it is a cop out that she may not realize how prickly she has been.  By telling the OP not to contact her, by accusing her of all kinds of things, she knew exactly what she was doing. This is not the case of Ooooops, I made a mistake. This is a case of being abusive to someone who has been nothing but a friend to her.  Going will reinforce her treatment was not wrong.

Tosha Go

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Re: Apologies ignored and friendship not what I thought?? Update #93
« Reply #97 on: March 09, 2011, 08:37:19 AM »
I'm on the fence about whether or not I would go...

Part of me wouldn't want to go after the way she's treated you.  On the other hand, I'd be interested to know if she offers up any explanation for her behavior, and doesn't want to communicate it in an Email. 



But there's also the cynic in me that thinks that with a baby being due soon, maybe she is looking to be buddies again so she can get gifts or help when the baby arrives.
« Last Edit: March 09, 2011, 08:42:34 AM by Tosha Go »

Perfect Circle

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Re: Apologies ignored and friendship not what I thought?? Update #93
« Reply #98 on: March 09, 2011, 08:49:15 AM »
I would be very likely to decline, but then on the other hand, might go just to see if she offers any explanation. But without a decent apology this might be a kind of a farewell coffee with her.

And like I've said above, I'd find it very difficult to ever trust her again as a close friend. In fact, I know it would be almost impossible.

Good luck, I hope it goes well on Saturday!
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Diminish, a carnival of sorts.
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Alex the Seal

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Re: Apologies ignored and friendship not what I thought?? Update #93
« Reply #99 on: March 09, 2011, 08:54:09 AM »
If you do go, you're wise to be prepared for a possible rant ambush.

It's happened to me, I drove across town at my friend's request, because she 'wanted to see me' and it sounded urgent so I was worried about her. I did not expect to get berated until I cried and I was too shocked to leave. I don't want that to happen to you, or to anyone.

If you can, find out exactly how much coffee (or whatever you want to order) costs at this cafe, have the correct cash on you, and if she starts, put the money on the table and leave.

Pepper Saltzman

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Re: Apologies ignored and friendship not what I thought?? Update #93
« Reply #100 on: March 09, 2011, 09:10:06 AM »
I would not go.  No way, no how.  If she wants to apologize, she can send you an email and an apology would be the first basic requirement before I ever accepted an invitation from her again.  Even then, it would really depend on the content and sincerety of the apology and/or explanation for her behavior. 

Personally, I would send her an email telling her that you simply won't be able to meet up with her afterall.  No explanation necessary, and no future plans suggested.  After that, I would just stop interacting until she made things right and apologized and explained her awful behavior.

VorFemme

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Re: Apologies ignored and friendship not what I thought?? Update #93
« Reply #101 on: March 09, 2011, 09:15:57 AM »
VF - I think it is a cop out that she may not realize how prickly she has been.  By telling the OP not to contact her, by accusing her of all kinds of things, she knew exactly what she was doing. This is not the case of Ooooops, I made a mistake. This is a case of being abusive to someone who has been nothing but a friend to her.  Going will reinforce her treatment was not wrong.

I'm not trying to "cop out" - I'm trying to look at it with an eye to why the OP's pregnant "former friend now demoted to nodding acquaintance" would not realize that she's earned a demotion by her own behavior.  Some abrasive people just don't seem to realize how abrasive they really are........and pregnant women don't always realize that they've had personality changes early in the pregnancy.  

There has been a lot of discussion about mental illness, divorce, and other things in life that can impact how a friendship changes over time - if the OP wants to let her old friend demonstrate that the friend is ready to start building the friendship anew - it's her choice.  If the OP choses to let the old friend stay a nodding acquaintance - it's her choice.  But the old friend may not realize that she's sunk that battleship (reference to a game) and keep trying to play by the old "friend" rules instead of the exisiting "acquaintance" rules.

The OP needs to decide how blunt to be in letting the woman know what the current situation is...........and since none of us know the woman, we don't know what HER social skills & such are.  She might be Captain Oblivious, she might be General Oblivious, or she might be Eagleeye and notice right away that "something's wrong" on the OP's side but have no idea that her warped behavior the last few months is why.  Because she can't "see" her contribution..........for whatever reason.

Yeah - I've had people who insisted that *I* had taken something wrong when I thought our "friendship" had changed due to the way they'd treated me.  What had changed was my willingness to lie quietly when I felt myself being walked on.........they didn't think that they were abusing me, they treated almost everyone as a doormat so why did I suddenly have a problem with that?

Or in one case - I just got tired of trying to have a friendship with a weather vane who changed directions with every breeze (yes, I do like metaphors - but I can't think of any other way to describe her).
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

Oxymoroness

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Re: Apologies ignored and friendship not what I thought?? Update #93
« Reply #102 on: March 09, 2011, 09:33:48 AM »
I've been there.

Go ahead and go, (if you want to of course) but do not get back into the "BFF" mode right away. Think of it as starting over. If the subject comes up, be honest with her on how she made you feel. And if she goes off on you, excuse yourself calmly and walk away.

Pregnancy can make you a little nutty, but it is no excuse for treating people like crap.

Let's hope she had a moment of clarity and this is her way of apologizing.

petal

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Re: Apologies ignored and friendship not what I thought?? Update #93
« Reply #103 on: March 09, 2011, 09:44:56 AM »
I agree with WW. If it were me, I wouldn't go. Too much has happened and she has sent extremely mixed signals.

You said it perfectly when you stated she has all the power.  I have said before that she holds all the cards if you allow her to treat you this way.  By going, it reinforces her behaviour. And treatment of you has been OK. I wouldn't trust her as far as I can throw her.  JMHO. 


nicely put

SingMeAway

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Re: Apologies ignored and friendship not what I thought?? Update #93
« Reply #104 on: March 09, 2011, 10:12:53 AM »
So now she's done with her little tantrum and wants to go back to what it was before? I've been pregnant, quite a few times, and I've never treated anyone like that. That really doesn't seem fair that she just seems to want you two to go back to your friendship because it suits her.

My first inclination is to say cancel the meet-up. On the other hand, my curiosity might get the best of me and want to see if she has any justification for her horrible treatment of you. If I went, I think I would be sitting there with an expectant look on my face waiting for an explanation AND an apology because you really, really, do deserve both. If none was forthcoming, I think I would ask very pointedly just why she behaved the way she did and why, oh why, did she think it was ok to say the horrible things she did.

I know a few people who tend to say whatever they want when they're upset or angry and when they're feeling better, all is back to normal....for them, and that is just not right. Please don't settle for the way she's treated you. I do know it's hard to lose friendships or have them turnout to not be what you thought, but you really do deserve so much better.