Apologies ignored and friendship not what I thought?? Update #279

[blarg314]

I agree that something is really wrong here. My guess, as for others, would be that this pregnancy was unwanted, and they're not happy about it.

However, I'm not sure you can do anything more than what you've done.  She obviously doesn't want anything to do with you, and is blaming you (and lots of other people) for things you haven't done, said or meant.

What I might do is write her one more time. Tell her that you didn't mean to do anything to hurt her, and wish her only happiness, but have been really worried about her. Then tell her that you accept that she no longer wants a friendship with you and will no longer bother her, but will be there if she changes her mind.

[ShadesOfGrey]

You've tried several times and told her how you feel.  She's been very clear that she feels you two arent as close.

I think you need to lay off contacting her.  Stop chasing her.  Wait for her to reach out to you - she knows you're there.  Respond positively if she does, but wait for her to reach out.

[still in va]

You've tried several times and told her how you feel.  She's been very clear that she feels you two arent as close.

I think you need to lay off contacting her.  Stop chasing her.  Wait for her to reach out to you - she knows you're there.  Respond positively if she does, but wait for her to reach out.

i think blarg has summed up her transfer of feelings onto you pretty accurately.  but i agree with Pumpkin here.  leave her alone.  let her come to you.  you apologized, she didn't accept, she drew the line, let her decide when the line has been erased.

if she doesn't reach out to you, you'll have to respect that.

[MerryCat]

I'm going to agree with the previus posters, OP - avoid, avoid, avoid! If this is just some temporary insanity brought on by hormones or other stress, giving her space will allow her to recover. If this is a hitherto unnoticed facet of her personality making itself manifest then keeping your distance will protect you from getting burned.

[Otterpop]

We had a couple like this at church.  The were early 40s and it was a surprise.  They were not happy about it and it caused friction in their marriage.  They secluded themselves and cut off friendships until months after the baby was born, prematurely.  Once baby was well enough they reinvented their identities and joined the parents groups, made a whole bunch of new friends.  All the old ones were dumped.  It was weird.

And yes, people gossiped about them but not me.  I was just tarred and feathered with all the old friends.  Don't take this personally.  Like others have said it's them, not you.

[LifeOnPluto]

Just wanted to add, if the pregnancy truly is unwanted, I hope they come to terms with it before the baby arrives. Otherwise I feel really sorry for the poor child.

[Hanna]

Call her.  It might not work out any differently, but you will know that you did absolutely everything possible to find out why she was behaving so strangely.  Make it about her, not your friendship.  "I wanted to congratulate you and see how you.  I'm here if you need anything at all.  I know being pregnant changes everything in one's life but I want you to know how excited I am for you and how important you are to me." etc. 

Just call her.

[Ms_Shell]

Is there any possibility, even hideously remotely, that someone else has told her you said or did things you never actually said or did?  Given what you've told us, it doesn't make sense that she'd think you think they're "old" , that you're not genuinely happy for them, that you didn't offer any help -- enthusiastically I might add!  Something's way off here and I can't figure out what.

This.  She told you specific things that you supposedly said that you never did, so my suspicion is that someone is lying to them.  I agree with GollyMolly that at this point, the ball's in her court - she told you pretty straightforwardly that she would call you when she felt like it.  I wouldn't contact her from now on.

ETA:  The reason being that she's very clear on the no contact from her actions - ignoring you on the street, etc. - trying to maintain contact is going to start heading into harassment-type behavior.  Also, hugs.  This is truly bizarre.

[Iris]

FWIW both times I was pregnant I got horribly offended, hurt and angry towards people who had really done nothing wrong at all. Having said that it only happened once each time, both in very early pregnancy. [In fact one friend said that she knew I was pregnant long before I told her (even before I knew myself) because it was so out of character for me to react that way.] By the time I was 5 months pregnant I had been heartily ashamed of reacting that way, made it up and everyone had moved on.

I agree with PPs that something is clearly bothering your friend. It is a shame that she is treating you this way but for the next little while I wouldn't take it personally because I think something is up. I would just keep my distance for a while. Keep talking to her husband, but talk about the baby and how happy you are, not about the friend as it may upset her when it gets back to her.

[Lynn2000]

Agreeing with everyone else... Something strange is going on here, but it's not up to you, OP, to figure out what it is before she wants to tell you. It seems pretty clear that she doesn't want any contact with you--turning around and walking the other way when she sees you on the street?! She has your email, she has your phone number, she knows where she sees you on a regular basis--if she wants to contact you in the future, she knows how. I would focus on other friendships right now and let her work out whatever she needs to work out. If at some point she contacts you again, you can start discussing her hurtful behavior, but I think you have to consider that you might need to just let her go.

[Lisbeth]

I agree too...something is wrong, but you've done everything you can to try to have a normal relationship with her and she just isn't responsive in any positive way.  Let her go.  If she wants to get back in touch with you, you can say, "The way you treated me during your pregnancy, with your coldness and false accusations, was very hurtful to me.  If you want us to stay in touch, then you owe me an apology and a valid explanation for the way you treated me, as well as a guarantee not to do it again.  Friends don't go cold on friends and then expect to get back together as though nothing ever happened."

[learningtofly]

Sometimes people get really strange when they are pregnant.  I have seen people drop all their usual friends for people who are pregnant or who have children.  Don't ask me why.  My friends who don't have kids talk about things other than kids and keep me sane.  But some people do feel the need to create a whole new identity once they have kids.  They join playgroups and co-ops and it's their new life.  I don't know why they don't realize that their old friends can still play a part.  We have friends who love our DD as much as we do and beg to babysit.

I did lose one friend during pregnancy.  I was exhausted and she could not understand why I didn't want to run 15 million places on our usual outings.  She was so intense and I was so tired and I eventually stopped calling.  I know she was hurt, but I had explained to her over and over why I couldn't do what I used to do and it didn't get through to her.  Someday, if she has kids of her own I hope she understands what I was going through and forgives me. 

I'm sorry about your friend.  You can wait her out, but it may not change.

[alegria]

You have done nothing wrong that I can see.  For whatever reason, your friend is no longer interested in being friends with you, and she has clearly stated that fact.  It is unpleasant, it is unfair, and my heart hurts for you.  However, you should not contact her again - not only for your own well-being, but because she told you in no uncertain terms that she wasn't interested in talking to you anymore.  Contacting her again, even to apologize/explain, might be considered harassment.

I'm sorry. 

[bopper]

I say back off for now...it also may be that things are so mentally, emotionally and/or physically exhausting for her right now that she doesn't have any energy to spend on you.  I realize that you are trying to be there to support and help her, but that is just something she doesn't want right now for what ever reason.

[Texas Mom]

OP should back off.

OP was formerly very close with Mrs. Pregnant, close enough to know that the couple did not want children.  They are now expecting their first child.

This may be a situation that OP knows too much about a friend and is being cut off as a result, due to unplanned life changes.   (I've had this happen several times)