Apologies ignored and friendship not what I thought?? Update #279

[Shopaholic]

I think there is a lot of jumping to extreme conclusions here about OP's friend and her pregnancy, be it wanted, unwanted or whatever.
The only thing that is obvious from OP's post is that friend has cut ties with her, and most likely with other friends since the pregnancy.

As PPs have said they have also experienced this in a normal, wanted pregnancy, I think it is unfair to assume that the pregnancy was unwanted or was a result of a tragedy.

I agree that the OP does not need to chase this friend anymore. You can't force somebody to be your friend.
I think the ball is in friend's court right now, but that OP should be prepared that she may not hear from her again in a long, long time.

I'm sorry you have to go through this, OP. Ignoring you on the street is harsh.

[sparksals]

I agree that something is really wrong here. My guess, as for others, would be that this pregnancy was unwanted, and they're not happy about it.

However, I'm not sure you can do anything more than what you've done.  She obviously doesn't want anything to do with you, and is blaming you (and lots of other people) for things you haven't done, said or meant.

What I might do is write her one more time. Tell her that you didn't mean to do anything to hurt her, and wish her only happiness, but have been really worried about her. Then tell her that you accept that she no longer wants a friendship with you and will no longer bother her, but will be there if she changes her mind.

I'm not sure I agree with this, especially the last part.  She has already stated she doesn't want contact, so writing another letter would be bothersome and probably make her more mad.  Additionally, saying she will be there if she changes her mind somewhat justifies her horrible treatment of the OP and that she is willing to be treated like this again. 

I think if the friend wants to come back, she should do so with much groveling because even though I would be hurt by the treatment received by the OP, I would not be willing to take it.  I would just move on and forget about the girl. 

[Merry Mrs Martin]

  I'm confused when the friend say she doesn't want any contact , I get that let's have coffee is a "blow off" and friend doesn't want to talk about this anymore but did I miss something?


I don't think anyone is assuming anything , friend behavior is peculiar.  She didn't just cut off OP she stopped socializing with a whole group of people of which OP was aparently the closest , ignored OP and then chastised her for not offering help and being happy enough for her. Being open to the possibility that something is mo-viating friend to behave this way beside just the facts (which would make friend a bit of a witch) is a kindness.

[Samgirl2]

Thank you so much everyone for responding. It has made me feel so much better that it seems to be her problem not mine.

I have discussed this with a few mutual friends now and they are all of the opinion that friend and her hubby are acting very strangely and even though they are not as close to them as I was have really noticed the change and think it's very odd to disappear and not want to keep up friendships at a time most people want and need them.  Also they feel like the fact they kept it secret for 5 months and haven't really seemed excited or wanting to speak about it gave the impression they didn't want people involved, so her accusations that no one offered to help them or is happy for them etc is like a request which is opposite to the message they have given.

I have decided not to contact her or her husband and to simply smile if I see them around church etc.  They can come to me if and when they want to sort things out.  My problem though is that we are in the same home group for church which meets once a week, always in someone's home. I don't want to leave the group because I really enjoy it and get on well with the other members, but there are only 9 of us so it is hard to avoid someone.

How should I be towards this couple when they are there? Granted this isn't often at the moment, but I don't want to appear cold, but nor do I want to be overly friendly towards them either because they have not been in anyway friends to me recently. We usually have a time of chatting and catching up, then bible study, then talking about anything we want prayer for and what is going on with us, so it's kind of important we can all communicate with and feel secure with each other...

[JadeGirl]

Contribute to the discussions and the church home group just like you normally would, although I would avoid addressing her directly or asking her questions. Friend is the one who has a problem with you and won't tell you what is going on.  She has no right to drive you away from a worship group because you haven't done anything wrong. 

[Snowy Owl]

I'd agree with Jadegirl.  Don't initiate conversation with her or ask questions.  I think I'd also say that if she talks to you be polite and impersonal and don't discuss anything more intimate than one would with a slight acquaintance. 

[sparksals]

I would completely ignore her.  She initiated the cut direct.  You're just following through.  I don't believe you owe her any courtesy because of how she has treated you. 

[SingMeAway]

I agree with the previous posters. Be pleasantly polite if she or her husband addresses you, but nothing beyond that. No small talk, no chit chat, no inquiring after her health, etc..  If she was so adamant that you not contact her/speak to her, then don't; lest she accuse you of not respecting her wishes. Jadegirl is right, there is no way you should be driven out of a group you enjoy. As awkward as it may be, be your usual self, enjoy your time there.... and find others to chat with.

[LEMon]

I'm trying to decide how I would handle the home group ( I belong to a similar group).  I think my feeling would be to follow her lead.  If she opened up to me, I would respond both to what she said and by sharing in return at about the same emotional level (chit chat for chit chat, deeper for deeper).  To do otherwise, would for me be treating her as different from anyone else in the group.  If she focused on other people, I would do the same.  I freely admit I would be guarded and waiting to see if I could fully trust her.

I would wait for her to initiate in any circumstance - which is exactly what many have recommended you do regarding other forms of contact.

If she is walking the other way when she sees you on the street, I wonder if she will continue to come to the group.

[sparksals]

I'm a bit surprised by some of the responses in how to engage the frien r not.  It seems to me like to follow her lead would put her in a position of ...authority/power/control and somewhat justifying her treatment of the OP. 

No matter how good of a friend, if one treated me like this, it would never feel the same to me and I would just call it a day. I would not be driven out of the social group.  In my eyes, her goose would be cooked for me.

I'm surprised by the responses that appear to give her a break. A true friend would not treat a friend this way.

[Lynn2000]

I am curious what the policy is for conflicts within such a small group as your home church group (you said only 9 people). Is there a leader of the group that you could talk to about this and get guidance from? You said the group involves sharing somewhat personal thoughts (e.g., what your prayers are for and "what is going on with" you); this woman's behavior would make me uncomfortable with sharing things in her presence, and that is surely the opposite of what the group leader would want. Also, I'm confused about how she could be fully participating in the group when she (and her husband) have been so withdrawn and have not shared important things. It may be that I just don't understand how the group works. But, if her behavior is changing the dynamics of the group and making people uncomfortable, perhaps the group leader needs to step in and counsel her or the other members. Is this a possibility?

[rigs32]

I tend to be the type of friend that, if I am close to you, I will ask tough questions.  Questions that might seem rude to an acquaintance.  That's just how I am and almost all of the time my friends appreciate that.  My goal is to make sure they're making the decisions that they want to - and knowing that their choices may or may not be the best - and I support whatever decision they make. 

That said, I was in a friends wedding many years ago.  Let's call her Nancy.  She'd been in mine.  There were 4 couples and the woman had all known each other for over 10 years.  Nancy started dating a guy she wasn't really into because she was bored.  After awhile they got engaged even though she was still not that into him.  After she had a ring on her finger, any questions from her long time friends were ignored and she spent all her time with new friends that did not know about her previous attitude.  It's not that we didn't want Nancy to marry this guy, we just feared she was settling.

They've since had a couple kids and she no longer socializes with people who don't have kids.  We haven't spoken since about a month after her wedding.  It was so strange.  She saw my knowledge of her mindset as a threat and blocked me out.  I really don't think I ever showed anything but caring and honesty.  Maybe I didn't.  But I know that there's little I can do to change the situation.

I wish you luck and please don't think there is something wrong with you in this scenario.

[LifeOnPluto]

Given her previous behaviour, I'd be very surprised if this woman continues to attend this small church home group...

[LEMon]

My advice was how I would handle the home group.  Her last contact seemed to say 'let me decide when to be in contact again'.  So I would wait to see how she handled it.  I'm not about to force contact on her if she doesn't want, but I am not about to be the one to cut her in an intimate group setting.

I don't mean to imply I would let her off the hook as to a very deep conversation about why this happened if she did seem to want to renew the friendship.  And to me, 'renew' in this case would mean 'start from scratch to see if I want a relationship'.

[Kath68]

I could be off base here, but is it possible the husband is jealous of your close relationship with his wife? If he has access to her email he could have intercepted your emails to her. Maybe he felt threatened by your offers of help (shopping, helping after baby is born etc), especially if their relationship is in a vulnerable state right now. He also could have misrepresented your face to face contact with him about this.

Even if this is true, it doesn't necessarily mean you can do anything about it.