Apologies ignored and friendship not what I thought?? Update #279

[Marbles]

That reminds me of my dad's ex-wife holding a grudge for years because I never acknowledged her father's death. Except that, neither she nor my dad ever told me that he had passed.  Until she blew up at me about it, as far as I knew he was still alive.

I can see being upset because no one acknowledges your pregnancy, but not if you haven't told anyone about it. I'm not sure what more she thinks you all should do beyond offering congratulations.

Has anyone offered to throw her a baby shower or is she being so off-putting that no one wants to?

[Samgirl2]

That reminds me of my dad's ex-wife holding a grudge for years because I never acknowledged her father's death. Except that, neither she nor my dad ever told me that he had passed.   Until she blew up at me about it, as far as I knew he was still alive.

I can see being upset because no one acknowledges your pregnancy, but not if you haven't told anyone about it. I'm not sure what more she thinks you all should do beyond offering congratulations.

Has anyone offered to throw her a baby shower or is she being so off-putting that no one wants to?

Sometimes I think we are all supposed to be psychic! I'm sorry about your experience.

Well baby showers aren't so much of a tradition over here. We usually buy a gift and drop it round once the baby is born, sometimes with food for the freezer.. Besides, I really don't think anyone wants to throw one for her....

[LadyL]

OP, I went through a similar situation with one of my closest friends. In her case, she had depression that would get worse or better in cycles, and when it was bad she would withdraw and push people away but then complain about how no one cared and she was lonely. She refused any sort of treatment. Last winter she had a particularly bad patch where she lashed out at me and other friends repeatedly. She also was threatening to harm herself. I told her I was worried and thought she needed more help than just a shoulder to cry on. She got extremely offended and gave me the cut direct. I did email her and call to apologize for overstepping my bounds (more like telling the truth at the wrong time, but I figured she needed help and friendship more than I needed to prove I was right). She never responded and I haven't talked to her for about a year now.

It took me a pretty long time to mourn the friendship but her refusal to get treatment for her depression is out of my control. I do check up on her online profiles just to confirm that she never made good on her threats and is still alive and that's it.

I'm sorry for what you're going through but in my case the erratic behavior, lashing out and then complaining about isolation, etc. became very draining and the relationship was getting more and more one sided. Although I was baffled and angry about the cut direct in some ways it forced me to stop trying to support someone who didn't really want my support.

[Twik]

I think you need to look at it like this - if you gave someone a small decoration that mentioned meditation, how would you like someone to approach telling you that it was offensive to them, because they believed it to be non-Christian? Figure that out, and use that approach.

[Elfmama]

I think you need to look at it like this - if you gave someone a small decoration that mentioned meditation, how would you like someone to approach telling you that it was offensive to them, because they believed it to be non-Christian? Figure that out, and use that approach.

Wrong thread?

[Twik]

I think you need to look at it like this - if you gave someone a small decoration that mentioned meditation, how would you like someone to approach telling you that it was offensive to them, because they believed it to be non-Christian? Figure that out, and use that approach.

Wrong thread?

ARGH! YES!

How does this happen? Am I just careless with back buttons or what?

[Hanna]

I think you need to look at it like this - if you gave someone a small decoration that mentioned meditation, how would you like someone to approach telling you that it was offensive to them, because they believed it to be non-Christian? Figure that out, and use that approach.

Wrong thread?

ARGH! YES!

How does this happen? Am I just careless with back buttons or what?

Oh funny, I thought maybe you had stumbled upon some great puzzle, which would, upon finding the answer, unlock the secrets to solving all problems.

[sparksals]

I was confused too!

[blarg314]

I think it's up to you how you want to go, and you have two options.

Your friend's behaviour has been strange/insulting enough that you are fully justified if you want to drop the friendship. Don't call, ignore her when she ignore you, be cool but neutral in group settings, and don't initiate conversations.

The other option is to basically do the same as above, but be receptive if she wants to reach out to you. If she's got wonky pregnancy hormones, plus ambivalence about the pregnancy, she may come out of it, realize how unreasonable she's been, and want to apologize. 

However, it's up to you.  Even if it is hormones, that doesn't preclude having the non hormonal spouse (ie, her husband), run interference and offer a quick explanation and apology to the people who are being cut off for no reason.

[sparksals]

No way would I be receptive if she reaches out.  If I were in the OP's shoes, too much would have happened to go back.  I would never trust her and it would never feel the same.  That's just me, though.  I know others are more forgiving.

[Perfect Circle]

No way would I be receptive if she reaches out.  If I were in the OP's shoes, too much would have happened to go back.  I would never trust her and it would never feel the same.  That's just me, though.  I know others are more forgiving.

I am generally pretty forgiving, but I am right with you on this one.

I do not believe for one minute that there is a reasonable excuse for this kind of behaviour. There just isn't.

To the OP - I am really sorry this is happening to you. This person no longer sounds like a friend and I would leavel well alone. You cannot keep apologising for something you haven't done. If I was in your shoes and she reached out to me at some point, I might be able to have some sort of a relationship with her, but I could never ever trust her as a good friend.

[Samgirl2]

I think it's up to you how you want to go, and you have two options.

Your friend's behaviour has been strange/insulting enough that you are fully justified if you want to drop the friendship. Don't call, ignore her when she ignore you, be cool but neutral in group settings, and don't initiate conversations.

The other option is to basically do the same as above, but be receptive if she wants to reach out to you. If she's got wonky pregnancy hormones, plus ambivalence about the pregnancy, she may come out of it, realize how unreasonable she's been, and want to apologize. 

However, it's up to you.  Even if it is hormones, that doesn't preclude having the non hormonal spouse (ie, her husband), run interference and offer a quick explanation and apology to the people who are being cut off for no reason.

Thanks, I think this is exactly right and what I will do. I have not seen or heard from her again yet but next time I do I will be cool and neutral and if she does reach out I am open to it but it will need a lot of consideration.

[Samgirl2]

No way would I be receptive if she reaches out.  If I were in the OP's shoes, too much would have happened to go back.  I would never trust her and it would never feel the same.  That's just me, though.  I know others are more forgiving.

I am generally pretty forgiving, but I am right with you on this one.

I do not believe for one minute that there is a reasonable excuse for this kind of behaviour. There just isn't.

To the OP - I am really sorry this is happening to you. This person no longer sounds like a friend and I would leavel well alone. You cannot keep apologising for something you haven't done. If I was in your shoes and she reached out to me at some point, I might be able to have some sort of a relationship with her, but I could never ever trust her as a good friend.

OP here again.

Thank you.  It's really interesting that I asked this same question on a faith-based forum and all the repsonses I got said basically that she's pregnant, she has hormones and new priorities and I should just accept and be understanding that that we won't remain friends because she must now focus on her family and I am expecting too much of her and should find other single people to be friends with!

While I do accept her new status and priorities - and if it's hormones I am willing to think a little more kindly and cut her some slack but still keep out of the way because the ball is in her court -  I don't think pregnancy is an acceptable excuse to just dump people who care about you and who have always been there for you.. I have had other friends have kids and of course things change, especially in terms of face time, but they never cut me out and never behaved like this so I will not excuse her that way.  They usually tell families and a couple of best friends a little earlier than everyone else and want to talk stuff over or get excited etc or for support in case it goes wrong etc. Sometimes I have been in on the secret, sometimes I haven't, it's totally depended on how close we were and that was totally understandable.

With this friend, she instigated the friendship, she has always confided in me, and offered up all sorts of personal info without me asking and actually told me how special I am to her, how much she and her hubby appreciate me, how she hoped we'd be friends when we were 80, and I know for a fact we spoke the most out of any of our friends; all the things that would make you believe you had an intimate friendship with someone. I have always been there for her and have kept some very big secrets for her which I have never even hinted at to anyone and she has always thanked me for that.  But the very fact that in her strange email she said "you have absolutely no right to know before anyone else" shows she no longer thinks of me as a best friend, or in fact as any different from other people at church or amongst our friends there.  

That is how I will now treat her. She is an acquaintance who I care for but do not trust very much. I will be polite and I will speak to her if she speaks to me etc, but I will not keep asking what's wrong or make any more apologies. I can't, because I don't need the humiliation mainly! I have asked if I did anything wrong and I have apologised to her for anything I might have done to upset her, made it known I care about her and asked her to let me know how I can help. If she doesn't wish to work with that then there is no point me asking again.

If she or her husband ever come to me with any reasons then I will listen and take it from there but I don't think I could ever feel the same way towards them. We may be able to be friends again but I would always be guarded with them.  

If they make the cut permanent then I don't think there is anything I could have done differently and that will be their choice, for whatever reasons they have. I have been the best friend I knew how to be with her and I couldn't have done anything else. I can no longer affect the outcome and that makes me feel much more peaceful about it all.

[gramma dishes]

I have been the best friend I knew how to be with her and I couldn't have done anything else. I can no longer affect the outcome and that makes me feel much more peaceful about it all.

You HAVE been a great friend to her, one most of us would love and truly appreciate.  But you're right.  You can't affect the outcome now.  But your own behavior as a friend has been stellar and you know in your heart that you were a great friend.  So your own conscience can be clear. 

Sometimes, sadly, stuff just happens.  (hugs)  I'm glad you're at peace with it, knowing it's not your fault.

[secretrebel]

With this friend, she instigated the friendship, she has always confided in me, and offered up all sorts of personal info without me asking and actually told me how special I am to her, how much she and her hubby appreciate me, how she hoped we'd be friends when we were 80, and I know for a fact we spoke the most out of any of our friends; all the things that would make you believe you had an intimate friendship with someone. I have always been there for her and have kept some very big secrets for her which I have never even hinted at to anyone and she has always thanked me for that.  

This reminds me of something. A relation of mine had a really close friendship with someone which ended when the friend accused my relation of doing all sorts of things that she hadn't and not helping her with something that she had helped with. It was all very strange and weird and my relation pleaded with the friend, just as you have done, and apologised and explained as much as possible that they hadn't ever meant anything bad. But friend just cut them off.

But later my relation realised that friend had sometimes spoken about having fallen out with other people and always had an explanation that the other people had treated them badly. It makes me think that some people have a pattern of this. They make really intense friendships and tell a lot of personal stuff and then maybe feel they've overshared and get suddenly huffy to have an excuse to end the friendship and not have it be their fault.

Ultimately it doesn't sound as though you've done anything wrong. You tried to give your friend the right reaction to her news. You tried to be respectful of their privacy when it seemed that as what they wanted and then offered congratulations when told they wanted that instead. But I think youre right to stop emailing her or making any other overtures. Maybe you tried too hard and pushed it a bit far in trying to keep the friendship but I;d give you a pass for that because you obviously cared a lot about your friend.

The balls in her court now for how she behaves to you. But if she does come around I don't think you're obliged to befriend her again - not without an apology and an explanation.