Apologies ignored and friendship not what I thought?? Update #279

[DangerMouth]

I'm sorry, all I can think is they got one of those horrible diagnoses. Like, you know know your child is too damaged to live more than a few hours after birth, but you choose to carry it anyway. In a case like that, I might forgive them from withdrawing from all those shiny happy people with their shiny, healthy children.

Anything less than that, though, it just doesn't seem reasonable that you'd turn away from your good friends. Not and expect them to be there for you down the road.

[alegria]

With this friend, she instigated the friendship, she has always confided in me, and offered up all sorts of personal info without me asking and actually told me how special I am to her, how much she and her hubby appreciate me, how she hoped we'd be friends when we were 80, and I know for a fact we spoke the most out of any of our friends; all the things that would make you believe you had an intimate friendship with someone. I have always been there for her and have kept some very big secrets for her which I have never even hinted at to anyone and she has always thanked me for that.

This reminds me of something. A relation of mine had a really close friendship with someone which ended when the friend accused my relation of doing all sorts of things that she hadn't and not helping her with something that she had helped with. It was all very strange and weird and my relation pleaded with the friend, just as you have done, and apologised and explained as much as possible that they hadn't ever meant anything bad. But friend just cut them off.

But later my relation realised that friend had sometimes spoken about having fallen out with other people and always had an explanation that the other people had treated them badly. It makes me think that some people have a pattern of this. They make really intense friendships and tell a lot of personal stuff and then maybe feel they've overshared and get suddenly huffy to have an excuse to end the friendship and not have it be their fault.

I can vouch for being in that situation myself.  Betsy (who I've written about before) would have a falling-out with a set of previously close friends about once a year - she had three major "betrayals" from other people in the three years that we were very close.  When her erratic behavior and other problems severed our friendship as she was kicked off our dog sports team, I'm sure she saw that as my "betrayal" of her.  However, when looking back and seeing these huge fights once a year where she never spoke to the person involved again, I decided that was just another point in favor of it not being me, but her.  It's really sad, when you think about it, but there's nothing you can do but recognize the situation and move on.

[MrsJWine]

I'm trying to think if this were one of my good friends (of more than a few years, so I know they don't have a history of this)... I cannot even begin to imagine any of them doing this for no compelling reason.  It's not an excuse; I don't think there's ever an excuse for treating a close friend like this.  But there are cases where I would try to be very understanding. 

If she were raped, and they kept the baby, but she's having a crisis of faith, and associates all church members with a god she formerly trusted and loved.  Or if there's something terribly wrong with the baby.  I can think of a lot of reasons a person would act so strangely.  Again, I'm not saying that makes it OK, just that I think there are some things that would warrant understanding.

I wish you the best of luck.  I hope that if there is something seriously wrong, she finally reconciles with you.  What a sad situation for you, OP. 

[Samgirl2]

OP here.

Yeah, it did cross my mind that maybe there were health reasons related to the baby, or the circumstances of the pregnancy that might be contributing to her behaviour. It would certainly make me feel much more sympathetic towards her and honestly I was worried.

However, the night she announced it at the party (after everyone had congratulated them including me) we spoke briefly in the kitchen with no one around and did what I thought was the usual and correct thing of hugging her and asked if she was happy, was her husband happy about it (because one of the things she had confided about in the past was that her hubby wasn't keen and she didn't know if she wanted to either and if he didn't then the decision was made for her really), and she said they had both discussed it, that they decided they wanted children and decided to try and she got pregnant straight away and found out early October. I told her it was awesome, can't believe you didn't tell me! and hugged her again. I also overheard telling people about the scans and how everything was perfect.

So I guess it can't be that!

However, the more I think about it the more I think it might just be her personality and the hormones making it worse.  She has always been quite judgemental and easily hurt and I've heard about when other people have hurt her but it's never been directed towards me so maybe I was too slow to see. Maybe now she is just really over-reacting to everything? I honestly don't know!  Maybe she heard 'can't believe you didn't tell me' and didn't hear the excited tone or the smile on my face?

Or she just really is one of those people that changes friends with life changes.

Neither my friend nor her hubby were at our church group again last night and no one has seen or heard from them either. Another girl emailed my friend ahead of last night to ask if there was anything they wanted us to pray for but received no reply....

[blarg314]

However, the more I think about it the more I think it might just be her personality and the hormones making it worse.  She has always been quite judgemental and easily hurt and I've heard about when other people have hurt her but it's never been directed towards me so maybe I was too slow to see. Maybe now she is just really over-reacting to everything? I honestly don't know!  Maybe she heard 'can't believe you didn't tell me' and didn't hear the excited tone or the smile on my face?

It could well be that. With people like that, it's really easy to be fooled by their nice person phase, because they are fun to be with and friendly and warm, as long as they get what they want. So when they talk about falling outs with other people, or people who have been mean to them, you assume that it was a legitimate issue.  Then, one day, you get hit with their nasty side, and you think back and realize that you've only ever gotten one side of the story before.

[Raintree]

However, the more I think about it the more I think it might just be her personality and the hormones making it worse.  She has always been quite judgemental and easily hurt and I've heard about when other people have hurt her but it's never been directed towards me so maybe I was too slow to see. Maybe now she is just really over-reacting to everything? I honestly don't know!  Maybe she heard 'can't believe you didn't tell me' and didn't hear the excited tone or the smile on my face?

It could well be that. With people like that, it's really easy to be fooled by their nice person phase, because they are fun to be with and friendly and warm, as long as they get what they want. So when they talk about falling outs with other people, or people who have been mean to them, you assume that it was a legitimate issue.  Then, one day, you get hit with their nasty side, and you think back and realize that you've only ever gotten one side of the story before.

Bingo. Some people just seem to be serial falling-outers. Whereas someone would have to do something pretty nasty to get me to fall out with them to the point of not speaking (as opposed to a natural, gradual drifting apart of a friendship). I get a little suspicious when one person has a falling out with more than one person in their lives.

[sammycat]

With people like that, it's really easy to be fooled by their nice person phase, because they are fun to be with and friendly and warm, as long as they get what they want. So when they talk about falling outs with other people, or people who have been mean to them, you assume that it was a legitimate issue.  Then, one day, you get hit with their nasty side, and you think back and realize that you've only ever gotten one side of the story before.

Bingo. Some people just seem to be serial falling-outers. Whereas someone would have to do something pretty nasty to get me to fall out with them to the point of not speaking (as opposed to a natural, gradual drifting apart of a friendship). I get a little suspicious when one person has a falling out with more than one person in their lives.

This is so, so true.  I have unfortunate experience of this with a past 'friend'.  She had so many ex friends who had 'done the wrong thing by her' that we'd have needed a community hall if we were all to meet up.

I certainly don't think this is a 'cut direct' situation, but this so-called friend's behaviour would have me scaling things back to being acquaintances at best.

[HonorH]

However, the more I think about it the more I think it might just be her personality and the hormones making it worse.  She has always been quite judgemental and easily hurt and I've heard about when other people have hurt her but it's never been directed towards me so maybe I was too slow to see. Maybe now she is just really over-reacting to everything? I honestly don't know!  Maybe she heard 'can't believe you didn't tell me' and didn't hear the excited tone or the smile on my face?

It could well be that. With people like that, it's really easy to be fooled by their nice person phase, because they are fun to be with and friendly and warm, as long as they get what they want. So when they talk about falling outs with other people, or people who have been mean to them, you assume that it was a legitimate issue.  Then, one day, you get hit with their nasty side, and you think back and realize that you've only ever gotten one side of the story before.

Bingo. Some people just seem to be serial falling-outers. Whereas someone would have to do something pretty nasty to get me to fall out with them to the point of not speaking (as opposed to a natural, gradual drifting apart of a friendship). I get a little suspicious when one person has a falling out with more than one person in their lives.

It's kind of like serial divorcees who blame everything on their spouses. You begin to suspect that: 1) there's something wrong with the way this person is choosing partners; 2) maybe this person's not such a great spouse, either; or 3) a combination of the above.

[Pinky830]

There's a poster on despair.com that, while snarky, actually makes a good point..."The only common thread in all your failed relationships...is YOU."

[blarg314]

There's a poster on despair.com that, while snarky, actually makes a good point..."The only common thread in all your failed relationships...is YOU."

Exactly. 

Most people I know have managed to go through life with things like horrible exes or high drama feuds or complete falling outs, or giving people the cut direct being a rare and notable occurrence. When I run into someone where all their exes are horrible $#@$ who betrayed them, or have a sequence of never-speaking-again falling outs with friends, or who have a list of people who were so horrible that they won't have anything to do with them, I notice, and am extra cautious when dealing with them, or trusting them.

[Iris]

There's a poster on despair.com that, while snarky, actually makes a good point..."The only common thread in all your failed relationships...is YOU."

Exactly. 

Most people I know have managed to go through life with things like horrible exes or high drama feuds or complete falling outs, or giving people the cut direct being a rare and notable occurrence. When I run into someone where all their exes are horrible $#@$ who betrayed them, or have a sequence of never-speaking-again falling outs with friends, or who have a list of people who were so horrible that they won't have anything to do with them, I notice, and am extra cautious when dealing with them, or trusting them.

I am too...now...

[Samgirl2]

UPDATE

So, I ran into my pregnant friend at the supermarket today. I was there with another mutual friend for coffee and to run errands and as we rounded the corner we almost walked smack into pregnant friend. 

She looked a little sheepish and hi and we smiled and said hi. We had a short conversation along the lines of ' hi how are you', 'yeah fine thanks' which was friendly enough but was basically like you would have with an acquaintance that you ran into and were just being polite. She was carrying a yoga mat and I asked if she'd taken it up and she just said 'yeah, I've started going to mummy yoga' then asked our mutual friend how she was and then we went our separate ways.

At least she is speaking I suppose but it was very definitely a 'hi, bye' type thing. 

So, being polite and acting like a general acquaintance seems to be the way forward.....

[LifeOnPluto]

However, the night she announced it at the party (after everyone had congratulated them including me) we spoke briefly in the kitchen with no one around and did what I thought was the usual and correct thing of hugging her and asked if she was happy, was her husband happy about it (because one of the things she had confided about in the past was that her hubby wasn't keen and she didn't know if she wanted to either and if he didn't then the decision was made for her really), and she said they had both discussed it, that they decided they wanted children and decided to try and she got pregnant straight away and found out early October. I told her it was awesome, can't believe you didn't tell me! and hugged her again. I also overheard telling people about the scans and how everything was perfect.

So I guess it can't be that!

Actually, I think it can be that. Now, she may be telling the truth. But her explanation sounds a little too convenient, to me. She and her DH have always been firmly child-free by choice, and all of a sudden they have a change of heart, and bam! she gets pregnant straight away?

Technically it's possible, but I still think it sounds more like an unplanned pregnancy that they're having trouble accepting...

[JoyinVirginia]

UPDATE

So, I ran into my pregnant friend at the supermarket today...  We had a short conversation along the lines of ' hi how are you', 'yeah fine thanks' which was friendly enough but was basically like you would have with an acquaintance that you ran into and were just being polite... So, being polite and acting like a general acquaintance seems to be the way forward.....

Thanks for the update. Glad it went ok. This is just one of those situations where it is her, NOT you, so just continue being polite when you run into her again.

[Lynn2000]

UPDATE

So, I ran into my pregnant friend at the supermarket today...  We had a short conversation along the lines of ' hi how are you', 'yeah fine thanks' which was friendly enough but was basically like you would have with an acquaintance that you ran into and were just being polite... So, being polite and acting like a general acquaintance seems to be the way forward.....

Thanks for the update. Glad it went ok. This is just one of those situations where it is her, NOT you, so just continue being polite when you run into her again.

POD. Maybe someday she will come around and explain why she's acting this way, or maybe you'll never know. But it seems like you did all you could, and the ball is in her court.