Apologies ignored and friendship not what I thought?? Update #279

[Samgirl2]

So, as I said at the weekend, we seem to now be in polite acquaintance territory.  It's awkward but it's better than the cut direct I guess. I am ok with keeping things like that.

However old habits die hard and I'm having to give myself a pep talk to not reply to an email she has just sent round.

The email is to me and the other members of our church group which meets weekly. She has said 'hi all, wow, seems like long time no see'..'we have been busy with renovating'...'Anyway, due to other commitments we won't be around for the next couple of weeks'..' we won't be at group etc, just to let you know'....hope everyone is well'.

Yes, 'long time no see' because you have shut us all out!!

Of course normally I would reply and ask how the renovating went and fill them in on the latest news and say we'd see them soon etc. But with the way she has treated me I don't want to do this.

They are the official leaders of the group and normally remind people where we are meeting and who's leading discussion etc, althought they haven't really been doing this for months now because they have been busy and distant.  We have this week's meeting already organised without them anyway so I have emailed back to everyone (including pregnant friend) offering to host the following week and another girl has responded by offering to lead the discussion. I notice she didn't mention or respond to anything pregnant friend said either.

But is not acknowledging her email rude??

[Fleur-de-Lis]

So, as I said at the weekend, we seem to now be in polite acquaintance territory.  It's awkward but it's better than the cut direct I guess. I am ok with keeping things like that.

(snip)

But is not acknowledging her email rude??

I don't see not replying as rude.  She didn't ask any questions.  She simply made statements.  I believe you can safely categorize the statements as "duly noted; no action needed".  

Emma

[Perfect Circle]

So, as I said at the weekend, we seem to now be in polite acquaintance territory.  It's awkward but it's better than the cut direct I guess. I am ok with keeping things like that.

(snip)

But is not acknowledging her email rude??

I don't see not replying as rude.  She didn't ask any questions.  She simply made statements.  I believe you can safely categorize the statements as "duly noted; no action needed".  

Emma

Totally agreed.

You might set yourself up for even more hurt if you did reply and heard nothing back.

[Samgirl2]

UPDATE

OP again!

So, she has just sent me an email saying 'Hi there. Hope you are well. I suggested some time ago that we meet for coffee. How does saturday suit at (her suggested time and place)?

What do I do?! I thought about it for a while and have replied just saying, 'Ok sure, see you then, have a good rest of the week'.  Polite but not trying to engage her in anything or be overly friendly.

She replied straight back with 'OK, see you then!', which sounds kind of like she is trying to sound happy/excited/friendly, which is confusing?

I have real mixed feelings though about meeting up. I have no idea how she will be and whether it's because she wants things to be normal again or because she wants to rant at me face to face this time? I feel like she has the power here. I also want things to go back to normal but after some of her behaviour etc I would have a really hard time doing that but I don't want to be awkward and cool with her if it's going to make it worse.  It's confusing!

[WolfWay]

Go in cautiously and be prepared to get up and walk away if she starts ranting at you. You don't have to sit there and be verbally/emotionally abused by this woman. To be honest, if it was me, I wouldn't be going to coffee with her. She wanted you to leave her alone, so that's what I'd be doing.

[VorFemme]

It sounds like she may have adjusted to whatever was going on in her head about the pregnancy, etc. (since we don't know what the heck was going on in her head, her marriage, and the rest of her life) and is finally noticing that she has a "rest of her life" to get back to.

Go, but be prepared to interact ONLY to the level that you are comfortable with - because she was the one who withdrew from "the rest of her life" - not you. 

She might not even have realized how many feelings she's hurt by being so prickly.........even though petting porcupines and hedgehogs is painful enough that most people give up quickly, she may not realize that she's been THAT prickly and given that kind of negative reinforcement to everyone she had been socializing with. 

[sparksals]

I agree with WW. If it were me, I wouldn't go. Too much has happened and she has sent extremely mixed signals.

You said it perfectly when you stated she has all the power.  I have said before that she holds all the cards if you allow her to treat you this way.  By going, it reinforces her behaviour. And treatment of you has been OK. I wouldn't trust her as far as I can throw her.  JMHO. 

[sparksals]

VF - I think it is a cop out that she may not realize how prickly she has been.  By telling the OP not to contact her, by accusing her of all kinds of things, she knew exactly what she was doing. This is not the case of Ooooops, I made a mistake. This is a case of being abusive to someone who has been nothing but a friend to her.  Going will reinforce her treatment was not wrong.

[Tosha Go]

I'm on the fence about whether or not I would go...

Part of me wouldn't want to go after the way she's treated you.  On the other hand, I'd be interested to know if she offers up any explanation for her behavior, and doesn't want to communicate it in an Email. 



But there's also the cynic in me that thinks that with a baby being due soon, maybe she is looking to be buddies again so she can get gifts or help when the baby arrives.

[Perfect Circle]

I would be very likely to decline, but then on the other hand, might go just to see if she offers any explanation. But without a decent apology this might be a kind of a farewell coffee with her.

And like I've said above, I'd find it very difficult to ever trust her again as a close friend. In fact, I know it would be almost impossible.

Good luck, I hope it goes well on Saturday!

[Alex the Seal]

If you do go, you're wise to be prepared for a possible rant ambush.

It's happened to me, I drove across town at my friend's request, because she 'wanted to see me' and it sounded urgent so I was worried about her. I did not expect to get berated until I cried and I was too shocked to leave. I don't want that to happen to you, or to anyone.

If you can, find out exactly how much coffee (or whatever you want to order) costs at this cafe, have the correct cash on you, and if she starts, put the money on the table and leave.

[Pepper Saltzman]

I would not go.  No way, no how.  If she wants to apologize, she can send you an email and an apology would be the first basic requirement before I ever accepted an invitation from her again.  Even then, it would really depend on the content and sincerety of the apology and/or explanation for her behavior. 

Personally, I would send her an email telling her that you simply won't be able to meet up with her afterall.  No explanation necessary, and no future plans suggested.  After that, I would just stop interacting until she made things right and apologized and explained her awful behavior.

[VorFemme]

VF - I think it is a cop out that she may not realize how prickly she has been.  By telling the OP not to contact her, by accusing her of all kinds of things, she knew exactly what she was doing. This is not the case of Ooooops, I made a mistake. This is a case of being abusive to someone who has been nothing but a friend to her.  Going will reinforce her treatment was not wrong.

I'm not trying to "cop out" - I'm trying to look at it with an eye to why the OP's pregnant "former friend now demoted to nodding acquaintance" would not realize that she's earned a demotion by her own behavior.  Some abrasive people just don't seem to realize how abrasive they really are........and pregnant women don't always realize that they've had personality changes early in the pregnancy.  

There has been a lot of discussion about mental illness, divorce, and other things in life that can impact how a friendship changes over time - if the OP wants to let her old friend demonstrate that the friend is ready to start building the friendship anew - it's her choice.  If the OP choses to let the old friend stay a nodding acquaintance - it's her choice.  But the old friend may not realize that she's sunk that battleship (reference to a game) and keep trying to play by the old "friend" rules instead of the exisiting "acquaintance" rules.

The OP needs to decide how blunt to be in letting the woman know what the current situation is...........and since none of us know the woman, we don't know what HER social skills & such are.  She might be Captain Oblivious, she might be General Oblivious, or she might be Eagleeye and notice right away that "something's wrong" on the OP's side but have no idea that her warped behavior the last few months is why.  Because she can't "see" her contribution..........for whatever reason.

Yeah - I've had people who insisted that *I* had taken something wrong when I thought our "friendship" had changed due to the way they'd treated me.  What had changed was my willingness to lie quietly when I felt myself being walked on.........they didn't think that they were abusing me, they treated almost everyone as a doormat so why did I suddenly have a problem with that?

Or in one case - I just got tired of trying to have a friendship with a weather vane who changed directions with every breeze (yes, I do like metaphors - but I can't think of any other way to describe her).

[Oxymoroness]

I've been there.

Go ahead and go, (if you want to of course) but do not get back into the "BFF" mode right away. Think of it as starting over. If the subject comes up, be honest with her on how she made you feel. And if she goes off on you, excuse yourself calmly and walk away.

Pregnancy can make you a little nutty, but it is no excuse for treating people like crap.

Let's hope she had a moment of clarity and this is her way of apologizing.

[petal]

I agree with WW. If it were me, I wouldn't go. Too much has happened and she has sent extremely mixed signals.

You said it perfectly when you stated she has all the power.  I have said before that she holds all the cards if you allow her to treat you this way.  By going, it reinforces her behaviour. And treatment of you has been OK. I wouldn't trust her as far as I can throw her.  JMHO. 

nicely put