Apologies ignored and friendship not what I thought?? Update #279

[SingMeAway]

So now she's done with her little tantrum and wants to go back to what it was before? I've been pregnant, quite a few times, and I've never treated anyone like that. That really doesn't seem fair that she just seems to want you two to go back to your friendship because it suits her.

My first inclination is to say cancel the meet-up. On the other hand, my curiosity might get the best of me and want to see if she has any justification for her horrible treatment of you. If I went, I think I would be sitting there with an expectant look on my face waiting for an explanation AND an apology because you really, really, do deserve both. If none was forthcoming, I think I would ask very pointedly just why she behaved the way she did and why, oh why, did she think it was ok to say the horrible things she did.

I know a few people who tend to say whatever they want when they're upset or angry and when they're feeling better, all is back to normal....for them, and that is just not right. Please don't settle for the way she's treated you. I do know it's hard to lose friendships or have them turnout to not be what you thought, but you really do deserve so much better.

[celtic_lady]

If you go you'll need to keep your guard up, and as others have suggested, be prepared to leave if she acts inappropriately towards you. It is very possible that she is extending an olive branch and is prepared to apologize and explain her behavior. I would give her that opportunity, but if she pretends like nothing has happened or becomes hostile in any way, that's your cue to let the friendship die. Even if she apologizes, though, I'd still keep her at arms length after all that has happened. I have a former best friend who turned on me quite suddenly during our last year of high school. It was so hurtful that it practically ruined my senior year. She did eventually reenter my life during college and apologized for her treatment of me. Her explanation was that she was going through a bad time and had gotten caught up with the "wrong crowd". I accepted her apology and we've stayed in touch over the years since then, but the friendship was never the same. There are some things that you just can't bounce back from completely.

[Lynn2000]

Just tossing my two cents in. I think if it were me, I would be so curious at this point that I would meet with her just to see what she was going to say. I would be prepared to get up and leave, though, if it started to go downhill. I would definitely try not to get my hopes up that this was going to be any kind of "restart" but rather approach it almost as an anthropological investigation, if you know what I mean--"Hmm, interesting, what will she do now?" without being emotionally invested in one outcome or another.

As others have said, you deserve an apology, an explanation, and much better treatment from now on if this woman is to remain a friend. If she doesn't feel she can remain a friend, you still deserve at least a sincere apology. If you don't get even that, I would suggest remaining at "friendly acquaintance" level, and that means you don't have to go out for coffee or anything else with her in the future.

However, I would not blame you at all if you decided you didn't even want to meet with her now and canceled the meeting--that wouldn't be considered rude in this case, would it? And didn't set up or commit to another one. As others have mentioned, she could start by apologizing through email if this was really the purpose of the meeting... "Just wanted to let you know how sorry I am about the way I've acted lately. Can we get together so I can explain and apologize properly?"

[sparksals]

Sorry VF I did not mean you are copping out suggest she did not realize her behaviour.  I think SHE is a cop out if she thinks that.  I'm of the firm belief she knew exactly what she was doing and even if she didn't, pregnancy is not an excuse to treat a friend like crap.

I agree with the others that she should have apologized first in the email.  I fear the OP's quick yes to the invite has reinforced the OP as a pushover in the 'friend's' eye.  Disclaimer: OP is not a pushover. But the friend may think the OP will accept her behaviour in the future.

[Fleur-de-Lis]

I agree that accepting the invitation may have been a mistake. 

It seems like what the former friend deserved was really a "why would I want to do that", possibly followed up with "you did X, and y, and z."

Emma

[MrsJWine]

Sorry VF I did not mean you are copping out suggest she did not realize her behaviour.  I think SHE is a cop out if she thinks that.  I'm of the firm belief she knew exactly what she was doing and even if she didn't, pregnancy is not an excuse to treat a friend like crap.

I agree with the others that she should have apologized first in the email.  I fear the OP's quick yes to the invite has reinforced the OP as a pushover in the 'friend's' eye.  Disclaimer: OP is not a pushover. But the friend may think the OP will accept her behaviour in the future.

I agree.

But I also know that burning curiosity would get the better of me, and I'd probably do what the OP did.  Go in with a visibly stiff spine and a cool disposition.

[VorFemme]

Yes - going in with a cooly polite demeanor and an expectationn that you get an apology and at least a partial explanation or it's going to be "nodding acquaintance from my past" time with the former friendship because "your lives have gone in different directions".

Kind of Jane Goodall switching from archeology to chimps to gorillas...........just let her know that your friendship with her is now  part of your history, not your future - because you are moving on to the next phase of YOUR life.  Unless you get a danged good apology and at least a fairly good explanation.  What that would have to be, I do not know - but it's your life - you get to decide what would allow you to retain some level of friendship beyond "nodding acquaintance that I used to know better way back in history".

[BarensMom]

I'm on the fence with some of the other posters, but the cynical side of me is thinking two words:  Baby Shower.

[Kaypeep]

I think you should go, but should definitely bring up the issues of late.  I'd specifically reiterate her comments about you and ask her to give examples to justify the accusations/assumptions she made about you, because as far as you're concerned they are totally false and it has hurt you deeply that she said this about you.

If she makes up excuses, be strong and weigh whether or not they are sincere and fully make up for what she's done to your friendship by implying you have been the bad friend.

And POD to BarensMom - be wary that she's just looking to mend fences long enough to get a baby shower out of it. (I normally wouldn't think twice about that, but the stories on this site tell me that nothing is impossible.)

[Samgirl2]

OP here.

Thanks everyone for your advice, it's so appreciated.

I accepted the invitation because I am very curious and because I don't want to be the one getting in the way of any progress or finding out any explanations for her behaviour the past few months. However, I am absolutely cautious about going.

Lynn2000 I love the anthropology analogy and that's really how I'm feeling at the moment. I want to go, just to find out how she will behave and what she will do really. I agree she should have emailed an apology as part of the invitation to coffee. I know I would have done, or at least say that I wanted to sort things out so could we meet up. As she hasn't done this I think she either doesn't realise what she's done, or she is not meeting to sort things and is just ending things this way, so I'm not getting any hopes up. I'm going to go for curiosity.

Alex the Seal I am so sorry for your experience. It sounds awful. I think that a while ago I would have been like you and been too stunned to leave because it was raw and I would have wanted to do anything to fix the situation, but having had a lot of time to think about this with no contact with her I am at a place where I think I can tell her I am walking away if that happens and I would.  I will get there a little early and make sure to have ordered an paid for my coffee and found a table before she arrives.

Mrs Mouse Yes, I will certainly be expectant and cool. I will interact on a polite and friendly level but i will definitely be waiting for her to say something about what has been going on. If she acts like nothing is wrong and everything is the same as before and we are BFFs then I will ask her why she invited me there.  Depending on her reply I will take it from there.  I figure there are only a couple of replies she can make. Either she invited me because she hasn't seen me in ages or something like that along the friends line - in which case I will ask what has been going on and why they have avoided everyone and point out she has been quite cold and hurtful recently and it doesn't seem like there is much of a friendship - or she can go along the lines of wanting to catch up and explain - in which case I will listen to the explanation.

If she tries to just act normal and doesn't acknowledge when I say there is a problem then I will have to tell her that I can't try anymore. That I have done everything I can to be a friend to her but it is a two way street and all I have got back was hurtful comments or silence. If she wants to sort things out she is going to have to explain her behaviour. Then I will leave.

I would dearly love for her to be able to explain what has been happening, then we could beging to maybe repair things. Or to at least acknowledge our past friendship and offer an apology and go our separate ways. However, I truthfully don't see that it would ever be the same as before. She will never be my 'go to' person again and I will not cut her as much slack or always give her the benefit of the doubt just because sometimes she can be lovely.

[HonorH]

For what it's worth, OP, I think you're doing the right thing. For the sake of the friendship you had, give her a chance to explain. People who are hurting often push people who love them away, sometimes cruelly. Sometimes, there's no going back. Sometimes, though, there is going forward. Ask her what's been going on and tell her you've been hurt by her accusations. If she apologizes sincerely, you can take it one step at a time. If she gets angry and tries to justify herself, you'll know there's no friendship left to salvage.

[WolfWay]

I'm on the fence with some of the other posters, but the cynical side of me is thinking two words:  Baby Shower.

Good point.

[JoyinVirginia]

I'm on the fence with some of the other posters, but the cynical side of me is thinking two words:  Baby Shower.

Good point.

That had not occurred to me - but makes sense!

[Dindrane]

I think the one piece of advice I would give to you is to keep your expectations reasonable.  You might want an explanation, an apology, a profession of a desire to be friends, whatever.  I'd want those things, too.  But there is a very good possibility that you won't get that, so don't set yourself up for disappointment by letting yourself expect or even hope too much for it.

If I were in your shoes, I would probably have accepted the invitation for coffee as well.  Even after treatment like what you've described, it's very hard to let go of what was a close friendship.  Because I know I wouldn't be fully decided on a course of action, I'd go to coffee and just let that weigh in on the decision.  If I got an apology and an explanation, I'd likely be able to work through at least some of the hurt and have a friendlier relationship.  If I got nothing, I'd feel a heck of a lot less guilt mostly ignoring her from this point forward, because I'd be able to tell myself that I tried my best.

Basically, at this point, the best guide for yourself is to choose whatever course of action is going to sit the best with you.  It's a time to be selfish, because you're the only one who has to live with your decisions.

I hope that whatever else happens, you are able to eventually come away from this time without any lingering doubts or anger.

[sparksals]

Dindrane makes a good point.  If anything, this meeting can be a form of closure.