Apologies ignored and friendship not what I thought?? Update #279

[JoyinVirginia]

Thanks for the update! Glad you are feeling detached from the drama!
Just thought of something else. I have had one friend who was particularly .. peculiar... ultra private - about discussion of anything involving female anatomy. Maybe part of this is something like that? Who knows? It doesn't matter anyway! Woo-hoo!

[Otterpop]

Good update for you.  I had a feeling that they weren't really enthusiastic about being parents.  It's not about you, or your lack of support.  The couple I mentioned previously (somewhere a hundred posts ago) settled into their new roles too, but have been heard to lament their "old" life.  Their son, unfortunately, hears it too.  He's about 14 now and whip smart, but is also very bitter and angry himself.  I hope your couple can get it together because their child will feel it.

[Akarui Kibuno]

Or maybe they discovered the baby has an illness that will have a huge impact on his/her quality of life, and so on...

Anyway, good update for you, I think. You seem to have a nice way of dealing with things.

[Samgirl2]

Just a little one, there may be more after the weekend...

So, there has still been no contact between my former friend and her husband with either me or anyone else in our social circle and/or church circle.  People have included them on a few emails about church or social activities just out of courtesy but they have never replied and haven't been seen around. I have not attempted to contact them at all.

Then all of  a sudden, for the past two sundays they have been back at church at the morning family service. I go to a different service but a couple of friends were there. They said former friend and her hubby arrived late, and tried to leave without speaking to anyone. The first week they almost succeeded but a friend who was organising a BBQ for his wife's birthday managed to catch them in the car park to invite them (they said no, as expected really), the second week a friend managed to say hi and how were they etc and have a bit of a chat and she thought they'd mellowed out a bit and seemed more relaxed.

I got to thinking that if they were trying out our church again (and not another one which would have been much easier if they truly wanted to avoid us, there are many in the area), even if they weren't really wanting to be social, that it might be a good sign that they were maybe starting to get things back to normal and not completely cutting everything off.  I also thought maybe, if it was me, this has all been going on for several months now and maybe, if she has calmed down, she doesn't know how to approach people again because it's been so long. Also, mutual friends are getting married soon and this couple have rsvpd for the wedding and I don't want it to be too awkward to see them. So I sent just a very brief email to say hi, hoped they were doing ok and they'd had a good easter, that we still thought of them at our church home group (which they used to lead)and that hopefully I'd see them at the wedding.  I guess a kind of reach out email that they can respond to if they want but that wasn't really demanding an answer.

I guess I truly believe that there is something going on we don't know about and that they are dealing with stuff which has made them act this way. I still don't believe they are bad people, but at the same time I don't want things to go back to the way they were before because I don't trust them like that now - it would just be nice to be on friendly terms and to know that they are ok.

I didn't get a response for 10 days and wasn't surprised or particularly bothered really. Then yesterday she emailed back with a really chirpy email about how she was so sorry she'd taken so long to reply, they hadn't checked their email. Their easter was great, she's getting really big and i'll get a shock to see her at the wedding, how is everything with me?, she'd see me at the wedding this coming Saturday.

She also did a 'reply all' to an email from another lady about going to an event for a mutual friend who is being made a warden in the church. She said they can't attend as they have birthing class this week but to pass on their congratulations, they didn't know he'd got this job, great news. She said she was aware they hadn't seen us in a long time and would probably see us at the wedding.

So, it sounds like they are attending, which is great, but at the same time she has still been responding as an acquaintance, not the friendly self she used to be so I think I will just see what happens and be friendly if I see them.

Edited for typos.

[Oxymoroness]

This sounds so much like the formal friend I mentioned earlier it's a little scary.

By all means be friendly, but I'd totally keep her at arms length. Even if she tries to be a all buddy-buddy again, I'd bet good money that her tune will shift again once the baby is born.

[Dragonflymom]

To me, this almost sounds like how I've been with my friends lately, where I've just got way too much on my plate with DD's medical issues and my medical and mental health issues.  I've had to cut way back on contact, and keep things more superficial for the most part, just because I don't seem to have the emotional energy to be the kind of friend I usually am.

So put me in the there's probably something going on camp.

I'd respond in kind to all her attempts at contact, not expect too much, and just see how things progress for now.

[LifeOnPluto]

This is rather odd behaviour, and I still reckon your friend owes you a major apology for completely brushing you off in the past few months.

[Danika]

I'm about 60% confident she'll show up at the wedding. And I'm confident that if she and her DH do show up at the wedding, they don't come early; they arrive just on time. And that they leave early before dancing and socializing.

[Perfect Circle]

This is rather odd behaviour, and I still reckon your friend owes you a major apology for completely brushing you off in the past few months.

I agree. It takes no time to say I'm sorry, I'm too busy to see you right now. Also her behaviour when you met up was not right. She definitely owes you a big apology.

I'm about 60% confident she'll show up at the wedding. And I'm confident that if she and her DH do show up at the wedding, they don't come early; they arrive just on time. And that they leave early before dancing and socializing.

I will bet you two pennies that is excatly what is going to happen if they actually turn up.

[Samgirl2]

As Perfect Circle and Danika said above, pregnant former friend and her husband did indeed arrive just on time for the wedding of two previously very good friends. With 2 minutes to spare they sat right at the back off to one side and left immediately after the meal.

After the ceremony there were drinks at the back of the church while photographs were being done and they chatted with a few older members of the congregation and guests but not to any of their previous friends, unless someone approached them directly. When everyone went through to the hall for the meal they were walking towards myself an another friend and we were both about to say hello when they walked straight past without saying a word, but while people were still taking their seats pregnant friend did come back over quickly to say hello and congratulate us on the decorations etc which was nice of her I guess. (A team of us had helped on this wedding and put in lots of hours writing place cards, folding orders of service, being in the band for the service, setting up and decorating the venue etc etc. These former friends were invited to be part of it but refused.)  It was literally a polite "hi, how are you guys, the hall looks great, well done you" thing. I told her she looked well (she's 8 months now), asked if she'd finished work yet and she said "yes, been really really well thanks, working a couple more weeks as I'm so well. Anyway, must get back to table, DH is on his own. Bye"  

And that was it.  This is a former friend who I used to speak to every day and we now haven't spoken in months due to her actions and unusual behaviour. After the meal and speeches, when everyone was asked to mingle outside while we cleared the floor for the dancing, they snuck out. Didn't even say goodbye to the bride and groom.

So, that's that!

[Minmom3]

Or maybe they discovered the baby has an illness that will have a huge impact on his/her quality of life, and so on...

Anyway, good update for you, I think. You seem to have a nice way of dealing with things.

I was just wondering that very same thing....  That the baby is possibly very damaged, and they're not handling it well.

All guessing on our part, but it would somewhat explain their odd behavior, and the comments they have made.

[Danika]

Thanks for the update. I'm glad that they at least showed up, given that they RSVPed in the affirmative.

...they were walking towards myself an another friend and we were both about to say hello when they walked straight past without saying a word...

 

Didn't even say goodbye to the bride and groom.

 

[LifeOnPluto]

To be fair, perhaps they spoke to the HC before the wedding, and told them they'd be leaving early?

Anyway, from their actions, it's clear they now see their old friends as casual acquaintances, rather than close friends. Not much you can do about it sadly. I wouldn't bother making contact with them again.

[Perfect Circle]

I think you need to let this friendship go. Clearly they are not interested in maintaining one.

I'm sorry. I know how much losing a friend hurts.

[Samgirl2]

I think you need to let this friendship go. Clearly they are not interested in maintaining one.

I'm sorry. I know how much losing a friend hurts.

Oh yes, I have, believe me. I wasn't going to bother posting actually, because they clearly are not interested in maintaining a freindship and life is actually pretty fine without them. But I wanted to finish off from the last update really.

If I ever do find out what was going on I will post and let you guys know. Otherwise, it's been an odd few months but I am over it now, really.