Apologies ignored and friendship not what I thought?? Update #285

[Fleur-de-Lis]

OP again,

So she has just texted me from the hospital with an update on the baby. Now breathing normally and feeding, they will check her again tomorrow, hope to go home in a couple of days, "please say hi to everyone for us, X"

I just really don't get it at all. Now they want to be friends again??

Perhaps they do.  You get to decide, however, if the way they treated you merits returning to the former status quo.  Gramma Dishes may be right; the couple were just too busy processing the reality of the baby to handle it well.

Or maybe they're shallow and selfish and think it will just all be normal again when they start acting differently.  

Or maybe their behavior was inexcusable and apologies and explanations (if tendered) are not enough.

  

[sparksals]

Well guys, she's had the baby!  It was a little girl, born 4 weeks early, slight problem with her lungs so will be in special care for a few days but nothing serious.

She sent an email at 8am this morning to our church home group (the one they no longer attend) saying "hi there, well baby couldn't wait till I finished work and went on maternity leave. Baby was born 24 hours ago, (name and weight) and is adorable but could you pray for her because of a slight lung problem, she is in special care for a few days but we want to be able to feed and cuddle her asap, thanks".

I replied just saying "congratulations, and such a beautiful name! Hope she's fighting fit asap so you can cuddle her x". She has just come back with "many thanks"

This is not judging, just commenting, that I checked their facebook pages, and family and coworkers have been congratulating them since yesterday so it seems we really were the last to know. I never would have imagined any of this before she got pregnant but hey, you can't predict everything. I am ok with it. Just still weird to think I won't be rushing over there to cuddle the baby and chat to her.

A friend from our social circle had emailed them last week to say we wanted to have a bit of a get together before the baby's arrival, as a celebration, suggesting a pudding party at someone's home. I wasn't part of the plan as I didn't think there was any point but this friend really wanted to try one more time. Didn't think they would agree but they said yes and suggested a date the week before she was due, so in 3 weeks time.  So, I was gearing up for how that would be.  Now I guess it will be a welcome baby event, if they still come!

I have a card and a babygro I plan to put in the post to them. It's a small present, because I feel like I want to be nice but not go too far, but I plan to post it, not go round personally. I think that's for the best.

I would think the family would be first to know.  I don't know why this is even an issue for your church group, who are now distant friends, to be the last to know? 

[sparksals]

OP again,

So she has just texted me from the hospital with an update on the baby. Now breathing normally and feeding, they will check her again tomorrow, hope to go home in a couple of days, "please say hi to everyone for us, X"

I just really don't get it at all. Now they want to be friends again??

Just let it go.  I have to say if you are considering being friends again, that you really don't have any respect for yourself given how you have been treated.  I think I predicted this awhile back - that they want something on THEIR terms, not yours and responding to them only enables their ability to continue to use you.  Honestly, you should not be initiating any contact whatsoever.  It is obviously still painful for you and to continue would be masochistic.

[Hunter-Gatherer]

Well guys, she's had the baby!  It was a little girl, born 4 weeks early, slight problem with her lungs so will be in special care for a few days but nothing serious.

She sent an email at 8am this morning to our church home group (the one they no longer attend) saying "hi there, well baby couldn't wait till I finished work and went on maternity leave. Baby was born 24 hours ago, (name and weight) and is adorable but could you pray for her because of a slight lung problem, she is in special care for a few days but we want to be able to feed and cuddle her asap, thanks".

I replied just saying "congratulations, and such a beautiful name! Hope she's fighting fit asap so you can cuddle her x". She has just come back with "many thanks"

This is not judging, just commenting, that I checked their facebook pages, and family and coworkers have been congratulating them since yesterday so it seems we really were the last to know. I never would have imagined any of this before she got pregnant but hey, you can't predict everything. I am ok with it. Just still weird to think I won't be rushing over there to cuddle the baby and chat to her.

A friend from our social circle had emailed them last week to say we wanted to have a bit of a get together before the baby's arrival, as a celebration, suggesting a pudding party at someone's home. I wasn't part of the plan as I didn't think there was any point but this friend really wanted to try one more time. Didn't think they would agree but they said yes and suggested a date the week before she was due, so in 3 weeks time.  So, I was gearing up for how that would be.  Now I guess it will be a welcome baby event, if they still come!

I have a card and a babygro I plan to put in the post to them. It's a small present, because I feel like I want to be nice but not go too far, but I plan to post it, not go round personally. I think that's for the best.

I would think the family would be first to know.  I don't know why this is even an issue for your church group, who are now distant friends, to be the last to know? 

And work would know right away because she wasn't on maternity leave yet.  She had to call out of work to go have the baby, so it only makes sense that they'd let work know right away that the baby was born and everything was OK.

[Samgirl2]

Well guys, she's had the baby!  It was a little girl, born 4 weeks early, slight problem with her lungs so will be in special care for a few days but nothing serious.

She sent an email at 8am this morning to our church home group (the one they no longer attend) saying "hi there, well baby couldn't wait till I finished work and went on maternity leave. Baby was born 24 hours ago, (name and weight) and is adorable but could you pray for her because of a slight lung problem, she is in special care for a few days but we want to be able to feed and cuddle her asap, thanks".

I replied just saying "congratulations, and such a beautiful name! Hope she's fighting fit asap so you can cuddle her x". She has just come back with "many thanks"

This is not judging, just commenting, that I checked their facebook pages, and family and coworkers have been congratulating them since yesterday so it seems we really were the last to know. I never would have imagined any of this before she got pregnant but hey, you can't predict everything. I am ok with it. Just still weird to think I won't be rushing over there to cuddle the baby and chat to her.

A friend from our social circle had emailed them last week to say we wanted to have a bit of a get together before the baby's arrival, as a celebration, suggesting a pudding party at someone's home. I wasn't part of the plan as I didn't think there was any point but this friend really wanted to try one more time. Didn't think they would agree but they said yes and suggested a date the week before she was due, so in 3 weeks time.  So, I was gearing up for how that would be.  Now I guess it will be a welcome baby event, if they still come!

I have a card and a babygro I plan to put in the post to them. It's a small present, because I feel like I want to be nice but not go too far, but I plan to post it, not go round personally. I think that's for the best.

I would think the family would be first to know.  I don't know why this is even an issue for your church group, who are now distant friends, to be the last to know?  

Hi there,

It's not an issue, I just meant to illustrate that we are now distant friends and how much things really have changed from the way things used to be, that's all.

[Samgirl2]

OP again,

So she has just texted me from the hospital with an update on the baby. Now breathing normally and feeding, they will check her again tomorrow, hope to go home in a couple of days, "please say hi to everyone for us, X"

I just really don't get it at all. Now they want to be friends again??

Just let it go.  I have to say if you are considering being friends again, that you really don't have any respect for yourself given how you have been treated.  I think I predicted this awhile back - that they want something on THEIR terms, not yours and responding to them only enables their ability to continue to use you.  Honestly, you should not be initiating any contact whatsoever.  It is obviously still painful for you and to continue would be masochistic.

Hi Sparksals,

I'm not considering us being friends again, but as they are playing hot and cold and others in our circle are still trying with them, I don't want to be the "bad person". I want us to be on speaking terms and able to be polite if they do come back around our social circle now, but would never, ever, be close with them again.

The friend who was organising the get together for them phoned me earlier as she is trying to get a rota together of people who want to drop meals round for them etc. I told her I can't do it. I will send them a card and i have responded to the email with congratulations but I cannot go out of my way to do stuff for them when they honestly won't appreciate it.

[sparksals]

I think that is a good plan.  Don't waste any energy on them at all.   Declining the baby rota is a good thing.

[Danika]

The friend who was organising the get together for them phoned me earlier as she is trying to get a rota together of people who want to drop meals round for them etc. I told her I can't do it. I will send them a card and i have responded to the email with congratulations but I cannot go out of my way to do stuff for them when they honestly won't appreciate it.

Good for you!

I agree that there's no need to drop by. If you choose to give them the original gift, mail is the best option. But don't force yourself to send it, either, if you don't want to. Sometimes, it's a fine line between "being the bigger person" and "being a doormat."

[Samgirl2]

The friend who was organising the get together for them phoned me earlier as she is trying to get a rota together of people who want to drop meals round for them etc. I told her I can't do it. I will send them a card and i have responded to the email with congratulations but I cannot go out of my way to do stuff for them when they honestly won't appreciate it.

Good for you!

I agree that there's no need to drop by. If you choose to give them the original gift, mail is the best option. But don't force yourself to send it, either, if you don't want to. Sometimes, it's a fine line between "being the bigger person" and "being a doormat."

I got lucky! We had our church group at my place tonight and someone had brought a card for everyone to sign which they will drop through this couple's door tomorrow. So I don't have any need to send anything individually from me now! Relieved!

[LifeOnPluto]

The friend who was organising the get together for them phoned me earlier as she is trying to get a rota together of people who want to drop meals round for them etc. I told her I can't do it. I will send them a card and i have responded to the email with congratulations but I cannot go out of my way to do stuff for them when they honestly won't appreciate it.

Good for you!

I agree that there's no need to drop by. If you choose to give them the original gift, mail is the best option. But don't force yourself to send it, either, if you don't want to. Sometimes, it's a fine line between "being the bigger person" and "being a doormat."

Can I just say that I love this last line?

OP, I agree that you should not initiate contact with your friend. If she tries to communicate as though nothing has happened, and you are open to re-establishing the friendship, I recommend you tell her firmly that the way she treated you was completely unacceptable, and you will only consider being friends again if she gives you a huge and genuine apology.

[Nemesis]

Well to be honest, I'm not surprised that her co-workers and family knew first.

Co-workers because she went into labour while at work - so that's probably gonna spread like wildfire in the office. My co-workers knew before many of my friends because I was admitted into the hospital on Friday morning when I went into labour 2 weeks early. We had to tell my boss that I wasn't coming back! My colleagues sent out a mass email telling everyone to divert all traffic (work and emails) from me to everyone else XD

Family had to know since we were supposed to be having dinner with my in-laws on Friday evening and obviously that had to be cancelled. And since we had to tell my in laws, we had to call my parents too.

Friends found out when I Facebook-ed from inside my delivery suite. Well, it was a LONG 24 hour labour. I even watched the World Cup quarter finals until the contractions got too bad. Fun stuff.

Anyway, just to say this: it could be any number of things that caused your friend to turn away from you. Difficult pregnancy, raging hormones or simply just a really bad friend. Let things slide. If she was always like this before the pregnancy, then it's probably the latter. Otherwise, if she returns to "normal" someday (typically 2-3 months after the birth of the baby), I do hope she will apologize for her "craziness" and that you will welcome her back into your fold.

I have to admit, I will probably be very forgiving towards your friend. This is because I experienced a fairly difficult pregnancy whereby I needed to undergo a surgery in my first trimester and risk a miscarriage (or refuse the surgery and risk losing the baby + damage my uterus). No one knew about it except for very close friends and immediate family. Also, my baby almost died at birth. We didn't share that with anyone except for the immediate circle for at least 6 months. I am now comfortable with talking about it, but during that time I practically secluded myself. Oh yeah, and I had pretty severe PPD and was acting CRAZY for at least 2 months (and crying every night). I figured that it was better to seclude myself than to say horrible things and hurt people. My hormones stabilised about 2 months after the birth of Angel, and I started calling up friends again. I barely explained myself, only to say that I wasn't ready and it was a hormonal time for me. I'm lucky that most of them understood.

[Animala]

Possibly a dumb question here, but what is a pudding party?

[Samgirl2]

Possibly a dumb question here, but what is a pudding party?

Pudding as in dessert - people bring stuff to share :-)

[MC Clapyohanz]

Possibly a dumb question here, but what is a pudding party?

Pudding as in dessert - people bring stuff to share :-)

Oooh, that's the kind of potluck I want to be invited to! I loooove dessert!

[Winterlight]

I would stick with polite but distant and see how things fall out.