Apologies ignored and friendship not what I thought?? Update #279

[Winterlight]

I would stick with polite but distant and see how things fall out.

[sammycat]

For me, it would be too little, too late.

I wouldn't be attending any get togethers (glad to see you're not), sending any presents or cards, making meals etc. 

As another poster said, there's a difference between being the bigger person and being a doormat.  This is not a "bigger person" scenario IMO. This is a keeping my self respect situation.

[sparksals]

For me, it would be too little, too late.

I wouldn't be attending any get togethers (glad to see you're not), sending any presents or cards, making meals etc. 

As another poster said, there's a difference between being the bigger person and being a doormat.  This is not a "bigger person" scenario IMO. This is a keeping my self respect situation.

So very, VERY true!

[Samgirl2]

Thanks so much for all your responses, they are really helpful.

As it stands at the moment baby was born 5am Tuesday. Our home group from church (which baby couple dropped off from months ago) were emailed by baby friend on Wednesday morning to say baby had been born and to ask for prayer as she was a little poorly with her lungs. This was 5 people out of our wider circle of about 20. I think it was positive they wanted to reach out I guess, but also a bit confusing they chose us after everything.  I then got a text from from baby friend later that day saying the baby was doing much better, and then our little group got another email again that night saying they hoped to go home the following day but needed to be checked again.  I replied to the original email with a 'congratulations, lovely name, hoped she was better asap' etc, I replied to the text with 'that's great news, I will let the group know' and didn't reply to the third email as I saw other people had already.

They don't seem to have contacted anyone else.

Word has spread slowly amongst the wider social circle because someone texted ex-friend on Thursday thinking she might be on maternity leave now just perhaps maybe it would be worth seeing if they could meet for coffee. She got a reply saying thanks but actually baby was born Tues so that wouldn't be possible.  This lady then enquired amongst other friends if people knew about the birth and that's how it's got around.  I didn't tell other people, apart from the person who'd planned on organising the party for them before the birth (who then suggested we get together a meal rota to drop round food) because I figured it wasn't my news to tell. I told meal rota friend I couldn't help out.  I also decided not to send a card or present but simply sign a joint one from our home group instead.

Another friend also had the same idea about dropping meals round and contacted the husband to ask when they would like stuff. She then sent out an email to our whole social circle asking for volunteers for freezable meals and baked goods and treats. Baby couple have said family will be staying for a few weeks but that they would welcome things after that.  I have ignored the email. I can see two people have replied so I feel ok about that.  One other person did email me to say they didn't feel comfortable doing that for them, given their past behaviour and was I going to because they didn't want to be the only one who said no, so it's not just me that finds it a bit weird.

It's now Friday and no one has heard anything else. No photo on facebook, nothing to say they have gone home or that baby's health is fine now. I get that they have a new baby, it's overwhelming, they are extemely busy and tired, but after telling us she was poorly and asking us to pray for her I kind of think an update would be polite. Ah well.

[Perfect Circle]

I have to say that it isn't strange they haven't contacted you since Wednesday - they've got a newborn and sometimes getting adjusted to that means that you can just about make it out of bed and contacting people to update them is the last thing on your mind. Plus they did text you to tell that the baby was doing better - have they done this to other people? Perhaps others got the same text.

Otherwise I think you are just fine - don't put yourself out for people who don't seem to care.

[sparksals]

You're wasting too much emotional energy on this.  It is a weird situation.  For your own sanity and self respect, do what you need to let.it.go.

Not contributing to the food donations is a very good start. 

Do you feel you have had closure on this?   If not, what will it take for you to have it?

[LadyL]

 I didn't tell other people, apart from the person who'd planned on organising the party for them before the birth (who then suggested we get together a meal rota to drop round food) because I figured it wasn't my news to tell. I told meal rota friend I couldn't help out.  I also decided not to send a card or present but simply sign a joint one from our home group instead.

Another friend also had the same idea about dropping meals round and contacted the husband to ask when they would like stuff. She then sent out an email to our whole social circle asking for volunteers for freezable meals and baked goods and treats. Baby couple have said family will be staying for a few weeks but that they would welcome things after that.  I have ignored the email. I can see two people have replied so I feel ok about that.  One other person did email me to say they didn't feel comfortable doing that for them, given their past behaviour and was I going to because they didn't want to be the only one who said no, so it's not just me that finds it a bit weird.

It's now Friday and no one has heard anything else. No photo on facebook, nothing to say they have gone home or that baby's health is fine now. I get that they have a new baby, it's overwhelming, they are extemely busy and tired, but after telling us she was poorly and asking us to pray for her I kind of think an update would be polite. Ah well.

I am wondering if the second friend soliciting volunteers is unaware of how the couple had been behaving leading up to the birth of their child? Or if they think they deserve the help despite their behavior? I understand that it's a church community but usually when someone stops supporting the group, the group also retracts support a bit as well. It just seems to perpetuate the awkwardness to ask people who've been burned by the ex-friend to deliver meals to them.

I would also distance yourself from the situation - maybe stop responding to ex-friend's texts, delete emails from other friends about meal drop offs, etc. You have no obligation to be involved besides a perfunctory congrats, which you've already expressed to them.

[LifeOnPluto]

Baby couple have said family will be staying for a few weeks but that they would welcome things after that.  

Wow, that's pretty brazen. To treat your church group badly, then happily state you will accept offers of food/help in a few weeks' time.

I think you're doing the right thing, in not sending them gifts and food. I hope you can put this situation (and these people) behind you.

[Samgirl2]

Thanks guys.

I have said no to providing meals or baked goods and have not responded to photos that are now up on facebook and the post to everyone they are FB friends with saying 'visitors would be very welcome'.

Have noticed that quite a few people in our social circle have done the same.

Unless they contact me directly with an apology and a wish to see me specifically then I am ignoring everything to do with them. Even then I would have to be very very cool.

[GeauxTigers]

Unless they contact me directly with an apology and a wish to see me specifically then I am ignoring everything to do with them. Even then I would have to be very very cool.

OP, even if they do "contact you directly with an apology", exactly what is it that you expect or want to happen as a result? It looks like the distancing (on their end) began over 9 months ago - it appears that they've certainly moved on and have other priorities. This doesn't exclude rudeness or other inappropriate behavior, but there's really no reason to give this couple all that parking space in your head - you're putting in a lot more emotionally into this "friendship" than you're receiving.  Let it go.

[sparksals]

Unless they contact me directly with an apology and a wish to see me specifically then I am ignoring everything to do with them. Even then I would have to be very very cool.

OP, even if they do "contact you directly with an apology", exactly what is it that you expect or want to happen as a result? It looks like the distancing (on their end) began over 9 months ago - it appears that they've certainly moved on and have other priorities. This doesn't exclude rudeness or other inappropriate behavior, but there's really no reason to give this couple all that parking space in your head - you're putting in a lot more emotionally into this "friendship" than you're receiving.  Let it go.

What an interesting way to put that!! So very true. 

[Samgirl2]

Unless they contact me directly with an apology and a wish to see me specifically then I am ignoring everything to do with them. Even then I would have to be very very cool.

OP, even if they do "contact you directly with an apology", exactly what is it that you expect or want to happen as a result? It looks like the distancing (on their end) began over 9 months ago - it appears that they've certainly moved on and have other priorities. This doesn't exclude rudeness or other inappropriate behavior, but there's really no reason to give this couple all that parking space in your head - you're putting in a lot more emotionally into this "friendship" than you're receiving.  Let it go.

Sorry, yeah, I mean that is the only circumstances under which I would interact with them other than the bare minumum of social politeness. Does that make sense? I don't expect anything, honest.  I don't feel like I'm emotionally involved anymore, I feel more like an observer watching the situation, like a puzzle.  But maybe that I'm even doing that means I'm still tied to it.

I think it's because they are still on the fringes of my social life and church life and some friends (though by no means all) are still trying to make an effort with them because they never had a falling out, this couple just got distant, so it's kind of hard to just pretend someone doesn't exist I guess. Like, tonight, 2 friends have posted on FB about how they called round to see the baby.

But honest, truly, a million times I am not pining over them, I'm just fascinated in a bizarre way, like a bad movie you know is terrible but you cant turn off cos you want to know what happens!

[Danika]

I think it's because they are still on the fringes of my social life and church life and some friends (though by no means all) are still trying to make an effort with them because they never had a falling out, this couple just got distant, so it's kind of hard to just pretend someone doesn't exist I guess. Like, tonight, 2 friends have posted on FB about how they called round to see the baby.

When several people are very close friends and there's a falling out, they are no longer friends. But acquaintances are not as involved or tied up in a close friendship so they can remain acquaintances. You were closer to the situation, like closer to a fire, so you felt the burn and pain and have backed off. But people who were only marginally acquainted with them did not notice much change in behavior and therefore aren't hurt and have no need to back off.

I've seen it on FB because you can see who is friends with whom. In my group of friends and acquaintances from college, I can see that, let's say Bob and Jim were best buds in college and they also knew people A, B, C and D. Now, both Bob and Jim are friends with A, B, C and D but Bob and Jim aren't friends with each other. I'm sure there's more backstory and there was a falling out. But A, B, C and D didn't really keep in touch with Bob and Jim after college so when they found each of them on FB, they had no problem just being friends with both. I can think of at least 7 examples of friends/groups from high school, college or afterwards where this is the case with my FB friends. The acquaintances are all on friendly terms, but two formerly super close friends are no longer friends with each other.

[LifeOnPluto]

Thanks guys.

I have said no to providing meals or baked goods and have not responded to photos that are now up on facebook and the post to everyone they are FB friends with saying 'visitors would be very welcome'.

Have noticed that quite a few people in our social circle have done the same.

Unless they contact me directly with an apology and a wish to see me specifically then I am ignoring everything to do with them. Even then I would have to be very very cool.

Good for you Samgirl. Stay strong.

[Samgirl2]

Thanks guys.

I have said no to providing meals or baked goods and have not responded to photos that are now up on facebook and the post to everyone they are FB friends with saying 'visitors would be very welcome'.

Have noticed that quite a few people in our social circle have done the same.

Unless they contact me directly with an apology and a wish to see me specifically then I am ignoring everything to do with them. Even then I would have to be very very cool.

Good for you Samgirl. Stay strong.

I was awesome tonight I think!  Our big social group was due to hold a bit of a do to celebrate the impending baby arrival (suggested and organised by another friend). Then baby arrived early and it was decided to stick with the party and if baby friends came too then people could celebrate that as well, if not, it was an excuse to get together with everyone.  

I was not involved in the organising and was only there see my friends and chat and because 2 of our group are students who were leaving now their course was finished and I wanted to say goodbye.  I did not expect baby friend and her husband to come because, well, they have a newborn and their track record is not to show up. However, show up they did and stayed for an hour, chatting to various people quite happily!

There were about 25 people at someone's house and so it was crowded and very easy to just be at the other end of the room chatting and mingling with other people. When they arrived they did a general 'hi everyone' and smiled around the room and showed off the baby. I smiled back (out of politeness, nothing more) but they both looked at me and looked away so for the rest of the evening and made sure I was always chatting to someone and didn't approach them. Ran into baby friend at the drinks table and she said hi, how are you, I said fine thanks, you're looking well, and went on my way.  When they left she did wave goodbye to everyone, including me. Husband looked at everyone except me. Very strange.

But that's exactly what they were. Strangers who happened to be at the party and had a baby with them. I didn't coo over the baby or ask to hold it because it was a stranger's baby and seemed odd to do.