Apologies ignored and friendship not what I thought?? Update #279

[Danika]

I kept saying "good" aloud, as I read your update. Weird that the husband actually didn't make eye contact as he left. But, oh well. Their behavior clearly was not about you specifically. They burned their bridges and I think you handled this beautifully and respected yourself!

[sparksals]

I'm really happy to hear this update, OP.  It sounds like you are on the road to detaching and setting your boundaries. 

The lack of eye contact from the husband is very interesting. 

[Samgirl2]

I'm really happy to hear this update, OP.  It sounds like you are on the road to detaching and setting your boundaries. 

The lack of eye contact from the husband is very interesting. 

It was most odd! He either spoke or waved over to everyone there and so I was all prepared to smile back and say 'bye' but he could not have avoided my eyes more!

[evely28]

I'm really happy to hear this update, OP.  It sounds like you are on the road to detaching and setting your boundaries. 

The lack of eye contact from the husband is very interesting. 

It was most odd! He either spoke or waved over to everyone there and so I was all prepared to smile back and say 'bye' but he could not have avoided my eyes more!

Guilty conscience maybe?

[Danika]

I'm really happy to hear this update, OP.  It sounds like you are on the road to detaching and setting your boundaries. 

The lack of eye contact from the husband is very interesting. 

It was most odd! He either spoke or waved over to everyone there and so I was all prepared to smile back and say 'bye' but he could not have avoided my eyes more!

Guilty conscience maybe?

I'm thinking yes.

Also, I remember he came to coffee with pregnant-wife and Samgirl2 way back when, it seemed to prevent pregnant-wife from talking honestly and telling Samgirl2 why they were avoiding everyone. I wonder if he's the kind of guy who feels a little entitled. Like he can withdraw from his friends but then if they feel hurt or upset and back away as a result, he gets mad at them. Samgirl2 would know more. I might be projecting because I'm in the middle of reading a book about abusive men who try to isolate their partners from their friends and support system and also get up in a huff if people stand up for themselves when they get their feelings hurt.

[Dindrane]

I was thinking it probably makes them a little uncomfortable when they look back at the past few months.  Even people who are unwilling to admit to any fault can feel uncomfortable when it's obvious a friendship ended, and discomfort very often leads to avoidance.

[LifeOnPluto]

I was thinking it probably makes them a little uncomfortable when they look back at the past few months.  Even people who are unwilling to admit to any fault can feel uncomfortable when it's obvious a friendship ended, and discomfort very often leads to avoidance.

Agreed. It's much easier for this couple to simply avoid Samgirl, rather than face her honestly and admit they behaved hurtfully towards her.

[sammycat]

I was thinking it probably makes them a little uncomfortable when they look back at the past few months.  Even people who are unwilling to admit to any fault can feel uncomfortable when it's obvious a friendship ended, and discomfort very often leads to avoidance.

Agreed. It's much easier for this couple to simply avoid Samgirl, rather than face her honestly and admit they behaved hurtfully towards her.

I agree with you two.

[Samgirl2]

Hi All, OP here.

I know this thread is really old now but there was a bit of a development and now an ending if anyone's interested.

My friend had the baby June 2011 and apart from the party they came to with the new baby where they completely, and obviously ignored me (see earlier posts), they went on to have no contact with anyone from our social circle until January 2012 when the husband rejoined the rota for church activities that both he and I were mutually involved in.

At the first meeting it turned out that we were the first to arrive and I was quite nervous of what to say, as it had been getting on for a year since I had spoken to them, but he was totally fine, normal 'hey, how's things, how is everything going' etc and then throughout the meeting it was as if nothing had ever happened and he had never been away.  That sunday they both came to church with the baby, but while he stayed to chat to people , she left immediately and spoke to no one.

They started coming to church semi-regularly after that and I saw him once a month at activities and he was fine, friendly, chatty. My friend, his wife, never spoke to me and I must admit I didn't try to go over and speak to her either. Some others did but she blew them off. She looked amazing though, she was even smaller than she was before the baby, had a new wardrobe and new haircut and looked very glam. Not like someone who was depressed or having problems adjusting to life with a baby etc, which is what I had thought might be the problem.

A few months on, so summer 2012, I was packing some stuff away after the service and she came over and said 'hey you, how are you?' I was completely taken a back and it was a slightly awkward convo. I asked how she was, was she back at work now etc and she answered but not in a chatty way and then said she had to rush off.  It felt like major progress in that she came over herself, but at the same time it was awkward.  Anyway, she did this to a couple of people over the next few weeks and so we started to invite them to social events again, but only child-friendly ones so they could bring the baby who was 1 by now. However they never responded.

By October she had stopped coming to church again as well, but her husband continued. Then at Christmas they sent an email to another friend in response to him trying to organise the next activity rotas with the husband, to say that they would no longer be coming and were going to attend a church in another town nearby. No explanation though, and they had been involved in our church and activities for about 8 years.

So, all in all, pretty weird. Was it us, was it me, was it church or was it something personal going on with them? Either way, we are unlikely to ever speak to them again.  They are still facebook friends with all of us, haven't updated either of their pages in almost 2 years. I'd like to tie this up and delete them etc, but I'm not sure. I don't know why, it's not like they would care. Maybe it's just because I'm nosey and hope one daye they'll start updating again!

[Twik]

It sounds like something strange going on with them, not you. They clearly are not into interacting with a wide circle of friends.

[Lynn2000]

Thanks for coming back and updating us! I often wonder what happens in threads.

[Danika]

Yes, thanks for the update. It definitely sounds like something going on with them. Maybe something happened that they are embarrassed about or didn't want people to know and they didn't want to discuss it. Strange.

I had a few Facebook friends like this and about 3 weeks ago, I finally did a Facebook purge and defriended them. I decided that even if they did start updating, I'd already put far too much effort into a one-sided friendship.

[LifeOnPluto]

I remember this thread. Very interesting update. Totally agree that something odd and personal must have been going on with them.

[sammycat]

Thanks for the update. I'm with everyone else who says the problem is with them, not you/other friends etc. I know it can be hard, but I wouldn't take any of their actions personally. They seem to be treating everyone the same (badly), so it seems there's something going on with them.

I understand the being nosy part if they ever decide to update facebook, but personally I'd just go ahead and defriend them and move on. It sounds as though they have (and not just towards you, but most/all of that circle). 

She looked amazing though, she was even smaller than she was before the baby, had a new wardrobe and new haircut and looked very glam. Not like someone who was depressed or having problems adjusting to life with a baby etc, which is what I had thought might be the problem.

Looks can be deceiving. The most 'glamorous' looking woman in our mother and baby group was suffering severe PND, not that you'd know it to look at her. She also started behaving like your ex-friend, so I wouldn't necessarily rule out depression or anything along those lines.

[Sparkle Star]

I'm late to the thread having noticed it because of the update, so it's been interesting to read it through in its entirety.
(Kept me entertained over my lunch break!  )

For what it's worth, my view is that whatever has been going on is definitely their problem and not yours, Samgirl.
This latest update is an opportunity to draw a line under the whole thing.
I would unfriend them on FB - they won't be notified and if they're not using their accounts are unlikely to know. Even if they do notice, so what? There is nothing wrong with culling people you're no longer true friends with.

I think your behaviour has been sensible and dignified and I hope you can let this go now and focus on friendships with those who appreciate it.