Funerals and Mourning

[snowdragon]

Please do not lean on the deceased's casket, on his folded flag, while talking to other people.    Goes double if you're a relative by marriage who's been out of the family for 30+ years. (Why yes, this did happen at my grandfather's funeral. I was too stunned to say anything.)

Or lean on the casket to answer your cell phone. Yeah, that happened.

or place anything in the casket without the express permission of the family.

[The Ricker]

When the bereaved thank you for coming, don't blurt "My pleasure!"

[violinp]

When the bereaved thank you for coming, don't blurt "My pleasure!"

Oh dear. 

[FoxPaws]

When the bereaved thank you for coming, don't blurt "My pleasure!"

I could easily forgive this, simply because it would be a "blurt" - an automatic response to a familiar social cue. I would also probably get a laugh out of it, but I've got a weird sense of humor. 

(But, I would be mortified if I were the one to say it. )

[Snowy Owl]

When the bereaved thank you for coming, don't blurt "My pleasure!"

I could easily forgive this, simply because it would be a "blurt" - an automatic response to a familiar social cue. I would also probably get a laugh out of it, but I've got a weird sense of humor. 

(But, I would be mortified if I were the one to say it. )

I'd agree this is probably an automatic and instinctive response rather than something chosen, rather on a par with me, after my grandmother's funeral thanking the undertaker and saying "we'll definitely use your services again."

Funerals can be an awkward situation for everyone and one can sometimes respond on almost automatic pilot. 

[magician5]

It took you a while to figure out what to say to me at my mother's viewing. Take a little while longer and decide that maybe, after all, you shouldn't tell me about this friend of yours sells real estate and would be an excellent choice to help sell my mother's house. Particularly, don't give me your friend's card.

[violinp]

It took you a while to figure out what to say to me at my mother's viewing. Take a little while longer and decide that maybe, after all, you shouldn't tell me about this friend of yours sells real estate and would be an excellent choice to help sell my mother's house. Particularly, don't give me your friend's card.

Oh...dear. There's a time and a place, but that is not it.

[katycoo]

Please do not attend the funeral if you do not have a good history with the bereaved at all.

I feel that this should be revised.  If I was very close to the deceased, but had a poor history with the bereaved, I would certainly attend.  I would, however limit my interactions with the bereaved.

[MrTango]

Please do not attend the funeral if you do not have a good history with the bereaved at all.

I feel that this should be revised.  If I was very close to the deceased, but had a poor history with the bereaved, I would certainly attend.  I would, however limit my interactions with the bereaved.

Agreed.  I once attended the funeral of someone I absolutely despised.  I just needed to know that he was really dead.

I arrived just before the service started, sat in the back row of the church, and as soon as the service ended, I walked out to my car and left without speaking with anyone.

[FoxPaws]

- Not exactly etiquette, but...if you expect that there is likely to be trouble or tension from a particular person or persons, please let your funeral director know. They are trained to handle these situations and can do so quietly, discreetly, and with no one else being the wiser.

[kareng57]

Please do not attend the funeral if you do not have a good history with the bereaved at all.

I feel that this should be revised.  If I was very close to the deceased, but had a poor history with the bereaved, I would certainly attend.  I would, however limit my interactions with the bereaved.

Agreed.  I once attended the funeral of someone I absolutely despised.  I just needed to know that he was really dead.

I arrived just before the service started, sat in the back row of the church, and as soon as the service ended, I walked out to my car and left without speaking with anyone.

Very inappropriate, IMO.  That's not what funerals/memorial services are for.

[katycoo]

Please do not attend the funeral if you do not have a good history with the bereaved at all.

I feel that this should be revised.  If I was very close to the deceased, but had a poor history with the bereaved, I would certainly attend.  I would, however limit my interactions with the bereaved.

Agreed.  I once attended the funeral of someone I absolutely despised.  I just needed to know that he was really dead.

I arrived just before the service started, sat in the back row of the church, and as soon as the service ended, I walked out to my car and left without speaking with anyone.

Very inappropriate, IMO.  That's not what funerals/memorial services are for.

Yes...MrTango's post wasn't what I had in mind.

[Tea Drinker]

Please do not attend the funeral if you do not have a good history with the bereaved at all.

I feel that this should be revised.  If I was very close to the deceased, but had a poor history with the bereaved, I would certainly attend.  I would, however limit my interactions with the bereaved.

Agreed.  I once attended the funeral of someone I absolutely despised.  I just needed to know that he was really dead.

I arrived just before the service started, sat in the back row of the church, and as soon as the service ended, I walked out to my car and left without speaking with anyone.

Very inappropriate, IMO.  That's not what funerals/memorial services are for.

I'd say that's inappropriate only if the mourners will be aware of the other attendee's motivations. If, say, the deceased and the person who despised them had worked together, but kept their disagreements private, it would be okay, because the family would think either "who's that?" or "oh, right, one of his co-workers." That would also apply if the deceased was a local/community leader (say, a teacher or religious leader) who had mistreated someone, and the person who never talked about their grievance publicly, because again, sitting quietly in back isn't making a fuss.

[scotcat60]

Make sure you attend the right funeral. I once slipped into a back pew at a crematorium, thinking it was a friend's service, and it wasn't. I got out fast, but it's probably gone down in that family's history, "Who was that strange woman at Grandad's funeral? She left, and we never saw her again"