Redleo, I vaguely remember that these people got angry at you once for leaving a party for two hours out of an entire wedding weekend so you could see your father for the first time in three years. Am I correct?
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My MIL is very PA, and a couple of years ago on the old board, people gave me some excellent tips for not being a doormat. Like you, I like to make people feel happy and do things for them as long as I can, and each of the things you describe is something little that doesn't take too much out of you, so it seems stupid to object to. It's taken as a whole that it's bad.
I struggled for a long time that I was being "mean" to them if I didn't give them everything they even hinted they wanted, even when it involved mind-reading. Then I realized, I'm not responsible for that. It felt awkward at first, but when it finally kicked in and worked, I was 100% more relaxed.
Here's what I did, and it made life a lot more liveable:
a) Oblique statements are not requests and do not need to be treated as such. Witness:
FIL: This lasagna is cold and should be reheated.
Redleo: Oh, okay. {resentfully reheats the lasagna.}
VERSUS THIS EXCHANGE:
FIL: This lasagna is cold and should be reheated.
Redleo: Yeah, I hate cold lasagna.
{silence}
FIL: It's really not worth eating it.
Redleo: I wouldn't eat it cold either.
FIL: Here.
Redleo: No, I don't want to eat it.
Do you see what happens in that exchange? You move the person from a position of issuing vague orders to actually becoming explicitly a bully. The next part of the exchange will either be your FIL demanding you heat it up, and looking like a jerk (at which point you can brightly say, "oh! Did you expect ME to heat it up for you? Why didn't you say?") or else he'll turn his bullying to someone else.
This is called "judicious stupidity." You are, as of this moment, blind and deaf to anything that is not a direct request.
Second: it's time to cook the meal and no one gets up to cook it.
Solution: you don't cook it either.
Simply don't get off your chair. When you go, pack a secret stash of high-protein snacks that do not need to be refrigerated, and eat them to keep up your strength while the rest of the family waits around for someone (ie, you) to come cook the meal for them. Go read a book somewhere, and when they wander around saying oblique things like "It's four o'clock--shouldn't the ham be in the oven?" you can say, "Yes, it's four o'clock, and if we want to eat by six, the ham should be in the oven."
Third: No one cleans up.
Solution: Neither do you.
Leave the dishes in the sink. This will be interesting after a few days, no?
Problem: Your husband is protecting his parents.
Solution: This one is tougher, but you by giving in and doing these things for them, then complaining afterward, are perpetuating the cycle by leaving him in the role he finds familiar: being the dutiful son who protects his parents from his wife's unjustifiable anger. (hah) You need to change your part in this exchange in order to force him out of his comfort zone. That is to say, when your FIL demands you tie his shoe because he can't be bothered to bend over, you can calmlty and unemotionally say, "You can do that for yourself. I will not do it." Then wait. Don't react, just respond quietly by asserting your right to decide what your role is as a guest in their home. Once you begin handling your issues with his parents, then your husband will feel a quiet pressure to do the same.
I recommend the book "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner for more about how to do that.
Good luck. I second/third/4th the advice to turn around and drive home if you arrive and everyone is "sick."
