Another fudged-up holiday (LONG VENT)

[goblue2539]

A few people already pointed out that DH is slipping into childhood roles at his parents house.  This is a very good, very big reason to agree to the counseling.  I have to give him credit for at least snapping out of it when reminded, but he's going to have to realize there are issues at home and in his family before he can snap out of it on his own.  Good luck!

[LadyJaneinMD]

Someone said something very wise recently:

If a tradition is becoming a burden, then it's time to change the tradition.

[Tabris]

I'd like to point out that Theodore Roosevelt, as a child, had frequent debilitating asthma attacks when he was a child. The only cure for these was to have long, long walks.

David McCullough, in Mornings On Horseback, actually tabulated these asthma attacks whenever they were mentioned, and something like 95% of them occurred on Sunday afternoons when his father was home.

I'm not saying they weren't real asthma attacks--only that they came on because he was getting positive attention from his father.

If MIL stops getting positive attention for being sick, she'll stop getting sick then.

FWIW, I stopped getting sick on weekdays when I had kids and was the only one able to care for them. I'm dead serious. I only get sick on weekends when my husband is home to take care of them.

Odd thought: what happens if the OP waits until time to cook dinner and then retires to bed with a "migraine" or a "sinus infection" she must surely have caught from her spouse?

[Lexophile]

The DH question IS the most difficult one. This holiday really opened my eyes to some things I wasn't noticing before. We're in the middle of a bad snowstorm right now, and yesterday DH went outside to clear the driveway. I was doing laundry and he asked me to pop some of his wet snow clothes into the dryer with the load I just started. I did it gladly. Later, when he went to get the clothes back out, he noticed that some of them were still damp. He walked in to where I had just gotten comfortable on the couch, stood with his back to me warming himself by the fire, and said, "The dryer is overloaded." When I didn't respond, he said it louder. I calmly said, "So take some of the clothes out." He got mad at me, but tough. I was out helping him clear snow this morning and he started to get bossy and pushy outside, and I shot him a dirty look and he checked himself. I am NOT looking forward to being snowed in with him for the next three days anymore.

[Alida]

I calmly said, "So take some of the clothes out."

Good for you!  That's just the way to do it!

[Tabris]

I calmly said, "So take some of the clothes out." He got mad at me, but tough.

Did he then proceed to take some clothes out of the dryer?

BTW, you can expect him to escalate that kind of behavior once he realizes you're trying to break the habit. If you hold tight through the initial tantrums that are sure to result, he'll eventually change his behavior.

[sparksals]

My DH usually likes to make the argument that they are older and can't take care of themselves very well, so they need our help.

great, that's the excuse for THEIR behavior.  and if you are expected to cook the meal, i vote that you set the meal.  zip's suggestion of ordering a pre-cooked meal works well for me.  if YOU will end up cooking, you can determine what you want to cook.

but what irritates me in your story is your DH.  he's sitting around, wanting you to heat him up a snack and wait on him.  oh no, i don't think so!  do you do that at your home?

i had that situation with my own in-laws many many  years ago.  we were home visiting, we finished a meal, i stood up and started to help clear the table, and my DH started to hand me his plate and walk out of the kitchen.  well, he helped clear and do the dishes at our home, he could darn well help at his parents' house, which i stated, very matter-of-factly.  he helped with the dishes.  his parents were shocked.  i would be more angry at your DH taking you for granted than your in-laws.  and that old folks thing?  bull.

I couldn't agree more!  The problem is not moreso with the inlaws as it is with the OP's dh.  Her dh's worst offence is taking her for granted and allowing his parents and himself to treat her as a slave!

I think the MIL fakes being sick to get out of doing all the stuff, but to control the OP's holiday - aka to force them to come.  Then WHAMMO - she's sick just before they arrive.  Too convenient in my book!

OP - you and your dh need counselling.  I suggest you print off your post and let the counsellor read it because it is extremely well written and describes how you are being treated by everyone. 

You do not deserve to be treated as a slave by anyone, including your dh.  If mine treated me that way, we'd be on the way to divorce court.   He is turning into his father.  Look at your FIL, if you let this continue, your DH will be exactly like him down the road. 

Please go to counselling and if your dh won't go, you go yourself.  Don't allow yourself to be a doormat any longer because you deserve to be treated like the wonderful and kind person you are. 

Oh and for good measure, YOU should be dh's first priority, not his parents who love to guilt him and you to coming at their beck and call!

[HogwartsAlum]

Oh and for good measure, YOU should be dh's first priority, not his parents who love to guilt him and you to coming at their beck and call!


HEAR HEAR!!!!!!!

[sparksals]

Thanks, everyone. I have to say I blame myself for allowing it to get this far. I never have been very good at standing up for myself, and I am nice to a fault, with the result that I let people walk all over me. When I finally wake up and realize what happened, I've gone so far down the road that the situation ends up being like one of those equestrian events when the horse realizes too late that he's not going to make it over the jump, so he skids to a halt and the rider flies off. My DH had a falling out with my dad shortly after we were married and he very clamly told me that he would never stand in the way of me visiting them, but he would not be accompanying me if I went. It might be time to turn the tables. 

You are very right that it's time to turn the tables.   Your dh set clear boundaries with you, that I wonder are ironically convenient.  I personally think there are more issues here than what you have written.  I think your dh is far more controlling and unhelpful than you have let on.  I think his actions are are more intentional than you have let on.  I'm going to go one step further to say that not only is HE abusing you, his family is too.  I find it ironic that HE gets sick on the holidays just like his mom.   He may not be "preventing" you from going to your family on holidays, but his actions sure make it sound like he does.

You have a very long road.  You deserve to be treated with respect and not as a slave.  

[Lexophile]

I do have to say that he has shown signs of recognizing the problem over the past two days. When he starts to take on the characteristics of his dad, it's usually as a side-effect to stresses caused by something else. This week, it happens to be the excessive snowfall. We are snowed in and he spent the entire morning clearing our driveway, fixing the snowblower when it broke down, and helping the neighbors dig out because the guy is stuck in Wyoming and his wife just had surgery so she can't get around very well. The effort made him absolutely exhausted. He came in a little bit grumpy, but held himself in check pretty well until he got some hot food and a little rest. It seems that, the more time the passes after our visit, the more he becomes himself again.

He even said this afternoon that he doesn't know how I put up with him. I see that as progress, and I have high hopes for our next visit, when I plan to stand up more aggressively and hopefully put an end to the issue once and for all.

[sparksals]

What you just wrote is similar to the honeymoon stage.  Of course he's being a good boy because he knows you're ticked at him.  He's hoping you will revert back to your old doormat ways if he's nice to you.  He's playing a game with you. 

You have to continue to stand firm and set boundaries, just like you did with the laundry situation.   He is manipulating you right now and I'm afraid that you're falling into his trap by believing his behaviour is changing after only a couple days. 

[Bethalize]

Oh, good post! Excellent advice.

[goblue2539]

He even said this afternoon that he doesn't know how I put up with him. I see that as progress, and I have high hopes for our next visit, when I plan to stand up more aggressively and hopefully put an end to the issue once and for all.

I don't know as I agree that he's going out of his way to manipulate you, but he is exhibiting learned behavior.  So, next time he says he doesn't know how you put up with him, build on it.  Ask him what he thinks would be fair for him to change to make it easier for you to put up with him.  He's already recognizing what you do.  Make him see what he can do too.  And please don't think that making progress on your own means that counseling is overrated.  I'd still highly recommend it. 

[Shoo]

The DH question IS the most difficult one. This holiday really opened my eyes to some things I wasn't noticing before. We're in the middle of a bad snowstorm right now, and yesterday DH went outside to clear the driveway. I was doing laundry and he asked me to pop some of his wet snow clothes into the dryer with the load I just started. I did it gladly. Later, when he went to get the clothes back out, he noticed that some of them were still damp. He walked in to where I had just gotten comfortable on the couch, stood with his back to me warming himself by the fire, and said, "The dryer is overloaded." When I didn't respond, he said it louder. I calmly said, "So take some of the clothes out." He got mad at me, but tough. I was out helping him clear snow this morning and he started to get bossy and pushy outside, and I shot him a dirty look and he checked himself. I am NOT looking forward to being snowed in with him for the next three days anymore.

My dh tries this trick every so often.  He's even done the dryer thing.  One time, the clothes he wanted to wear had made it through the wash cycle, but not the dryer yet.  He came to me stating that his clothes were still wet in the washer.  I said, "Well, then put them in the dryer!"

He looked at me, all wide eyed, and said, "You mean you want me to actually do something for myself instead of taking advantage of your good nature and insisting you do it for me?  {long pause}  I was afraid of that."  And off he goes to put his clothes into the dryer.

It's become something of an inside joke around here.