Break-ups in the age of Facebook: Bad update, page 3, Worse update page 5

[Twik]

Whoa, wait - he's basically saying, "Yeah, I dumped my girlfriend "with issues", got a new upgrade already" in public?

Kendo-bunny, I'm so sorry. At the least, the cad should have kept his mouth shut, beyond "it didn't work out, I wish her the best". If this is the person he wants to be, you will be (in the long run) better off without him.

[Larrabee]

He's a ****, but the fact that he's a **** in no way reflects on you, they can hide it very well.

There will be somebody who actually deserves you and is far far better suited to you out there, and if it takes a while to track him down then hey, you're pretty great all by yourself too.

[Kendo_Bunny]

He said that he thought I was a good person, but I just had too many "issues" for him to deal with. This just feels like such a complete betrayal - I know he can have a girlfriend since we're broken up, but the fact that I was replaced so quickly is a slap in the face. It makes me wonder if he dumped me because he found this new girl who seemed like fun, and instead of being honest, manipulated me. He kept hope for a re-kindling alive, while he was getting sex and affection from somebody else.

He could have told me he didn't love me anymore, and that we weren't looking for the same things out of a relationship. Instead, he tells me that I'm like a member of his family, that he does love me, and that we should keep in contact to see where things go. Thinking on it, I told him during our fight that I couldn't stand to be friends with him if he found another girlfriend, and that's the point where he demanded to be driven home. He must've already been with her, even though when he and I were alone, he was making eyes at me. When I asked if we could talk in two weeks, he said all right, though then he proceeded to completely ignore me. Since he had my range gear, spare keys, and my dad's computer, I'm not sure why he thought that I wouldn't go to get those items, and foolish me decided to be charitable and give him the benefit of the doubt over his sickness. Now I'm thinking he didn't let me upstairs either because she was in bed, or because he hadn't thrown out the condom wrappers.

I want to write him a long, non-Ehell approved letter, telling him all the things I've kept back: how he took me for granted, how he betrayed me, and whether he's warned this new girl that he's just having fun and will abandon her too when things get too serious or too hard. He also mentioned on reddit that she's moving four hours away, but they're going to make time to see each other. But when I lived 30 minutes away, he didn't bother. He fixed his car so he could go visit her, even though I've been asking him about it's ailing for months. He's been a cad and not at all a gentleman. I know I can't scorch his eyes with that letter, but I really, really want to.

[Perfect Circle]

Write the letter. Really rip into him. Say everything you want to say.

And then burn it. Or rip it up.

The process of writing it may be very helpful, just to get it all out.

Big hugs to you. I am sorry. This must really hurt.

[Spoder]

Kendo_Bunny, I know this sounds inane, but please trust me: you are better off without him.

All this stuff about the other girl? Who cares. She's nothing to you. She's not relevant to the situation. The fact is, if he was right for you, and if he was good enough for you, he would be sticking by you and looking after you, and your issues would not be a big deal to him. Look at it this way: you were a big enough person, a kind enough person, to see through his depression and see the best in him, right? Yet he was incapable of doing the same for you. He either can't, or he doesn't want to, and either way it's his loss.

Go out and start doing good things for yourself, right now. Don't spend another second thinking about this girl, or taking the slightest interest in who she is or what she does. She's just some random person that he happens to be distracting himself with at the moment, and what he does is no longer your concern. Be the best person you can be, for yourself. Give yourself the love and attention that you were lavishing on him, without reciprocation. Trust me, you will be a whole, whole lot better off.

I've been there and I know how much it hurts. And boy, can I *obsess* about things when I want to. I'm passing on what I learnt: don't do it. Set a time limit to wallow/obsess/cry/whatever it takes. Then get up and do something for yourself. I read somewhere once that men tend to get over emotional things more quickly because they take action, instead of thinking. I'm sure this is an oversimplification, but I think there's something to it. Go out and DO things for YOU, even if you really really don't want to.

((((((more hugs)))))))

[Kendo_Bunny]

Thank you all for the hugs. As a question, though, what do I do with his stuff?

[Spoder]

^ Put it in a bag, drive around to his house and leave it on his doorstep. Today, preferably.

[Petticoats]

Massive (((hugs))), Kendo_Bunny. You deserve so much better than this. Please be good to yourself and recognize that this is truly his loss.

[inna.minnit]

Thank you all for the hugs. As a question, though, what do I do with his stuff?

I suppose setting it on fire is out of the question?     In that case, I agree with the PP who suggested dropping his stuff off at his place.  Or some other neutral place.  I wouldn't have him come to your home.  Do you have any friends who would be willing to do the drop off for you?

[Kendo_Bunny]

I do have a friend who is willing to make the exchange, and who also is having trouble believing that he was capable of such stunning immaturity and selfishness. It's always been hard for me to ask for help, and while I'm trying now, it's still hard. I'm up early and I want to call and talk to someone, but I'm worried about doing it, because everyone is probably still asleep.

[Winterlight]

I do have a friend who is willing to make the exchange, and who also is having trouble believing that he was capable of such stunning immaturity and selfishness. It's always been hard for me to ask for help, and while I'm trying now, it's still hard. I'm up early and I want to call and talk to someone, but I'm worried about doing it, because everyone is probably still asleep.

Definitely ask your friend to do it, then go have drinks and write a really bad country song about your breakup. It will help!

*hugs*

[EMuir]

*hugs*

[Ceiling Fan]

I work two jobs, and since he's cut me completely out of his life, he seems to have cut out all of our multiple mutual friends. I'm trying to keep myself busy, but I don't have much time or energy for anything outside of work right now... and this is just another crushing blow. He said he wanted to take the time to work on his own issues: his depression, his abandonment issues, etc. Instead, he hooks up with another girl almost immediately, and says on reddit that he broke up with me because of MY issues. I'm not denying that I have issues, as a functional bulimic of over a decade, but he was too cowardly to tell me that in the first place.

So basically, he's the only one that gets to have issues? I'd say you've dodged a bullet, but I know that doesn't help (yet).

When I got dumped, I didn't just want to write him a letter, I wanted to rent a billboard, so I could tell the WORLD what a big fat stupid JERK he was. And I wanted to take his stuff and toss it in the river.

Fortunately, I had friends who talked me down, who even let me read the letter out loud before I burned it, who helped me return his stuff in a ladylike manner. It took a while, but I realized that I will never regret acting well, but I'd probably be burning with shame even now if I had acted on my impulses those first weeks.

{{{hugs}}} you can get through this.

[Nurvingiel]

I know this doesn't help now, but I agree with PP that you dodged a bullet. I'm sure he has many good qualities, but he has proven to be a coward and I just don't think his actions show enough maturity for long-term boyfriend material.

As for his crap, I wish I was in your city so I could drop it off for you. Whether you leave it on your porch or his, I'd get rid of it ASAP.

[auntiem]

Thank you all for the hugs. As a question, though, what do I do with his stuff?

He abandoned his stuff - you can do what you want with it IMO. I once told a guy "I'm sick of looking at your stuff. It will be on the porch - if you want it, pick it up by 5pm today." Period. You don't have to tell him what you'll do with it (my friend was going to take it to her dumpster at her work) if he doesn't pick it up. Be gone from your house after giving the ultimatum so you don't have to see him / deal with him.
To quote "The Fisher King" - "if you came back for your stuff, it all burnt up..."accidentally".
Also, big huge hugs. I know you don't feel it will get better now, but trust me it does and it will.