Author Topic: Gifts of clothing  (Read 4285 times)

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thebadchemist

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Gifts of clothing
« on: December 27, 2006, 04:24:38 PM »
Sigh... not so much an etiquette issue, but suggestions on how to handle it in the future would be very much appreciated.

My mother bought me a blazer for Christmas... I'll put the details in list form:

Pros
1. It was a fabulous tweed
2. It was plaid, which I rarely see and it looked great on a blazer
3. The cut was excellent, but a little matronly

Cons
1. It was purple (I never wear purple, have no colors beyond black and white that match it, and it doesn't really compliment my complexion)
2. It was two sizes too big, but my mother insisted that it fit
3. It had shoulder pads, which I loathe
4. She bought it for me because "You never wear nice jackets. All you ever wear is your fleece jacket." (This made me a bit annoyed... I've been on a massive blazer kick for the past year and have bought several nice ones, ranging from casual to a gorgeous velvet one from J.Crew that was a massive splurge. She has seen most of them and even complimented a couple. Now, however, she claims that she never saw them.)

Truth is, I didn't have the most enthusiastic reaction to it. It IS very nice, don't get me wrong. It would have looked better if I was 20 years older and 20 pounds heavier. I told her that I needed to take it back to the store anyway, because of the sizing, but she kept insisting the size was right (sleeves too long, hem too long, shoulder pads making it an inch out of each shoulder). She also insisted that purple was the right color, because she and my father bought me an amethyst necklace on a recent trip to Korea. She wanted me to wear the jacket and the necklace to my father's upcoming birthday dinner. She doesn't know this, but I wasn't a huge fan of the necklace.

I do not appreciate being dressed and worse yet, she was trying to dress me in a style that was absolutely not mine! What frustrated me the most was that there was no way to get out of it without hurting her feelings. I think she understood, in the end, but was still a little hurt that I didn't like the jacket as much as she hoped. I also didn't want to sound ungrateful, so I kept thanking her profusely, but I don't know if she believed it or not.

I don't get why people buy clothing as gifts. I love my mom to pieces, but she doesn't see me every day anymore, so she has no idea what I wear to work or when I go out. No, I do not wear my fleece jacket everywhere. I also dress very casually when I visit home because we never go anywhere that requires me to wear more that the usual jeans, top, and warm jacket. I was also really pissed about the whole "you never wear nice jackets," as I've spent the last year revamping my wardrobe, trying to update and mature it. She bought the jacket at Talbots, her favorite store. Now, I have nothing against that store, but it's really, really not my style. I wish that she had taken me shopping or even asked me what I would like, but she apparently decided that a jacket from Talbots was the only way to go. She even acknowledged it and knew that most of the stuff there wouldn't really suit me. Couldn't she simply ask where I typically shop?

The general venty part: Why buy clothing for me when you don't know what I like? I'm glad she kept the receipts and was open to me picking out another jacket, but I've been in other situations (not with my mom) where I've been given clothing that completely does NOT fit/is absolutely something I'd never wear. To make matters worse, the tags have been taken off, no gift receipt or it was purchased as a final sale, so returning isn't an option. Then, I feel awful because the giver essentially wasted money on me. I also have the weirdest body in the world, that is larger in some parts and a lot smaller in others (I'm convinced I look like an Oompa Loompa). So, 9 times out of 10, any clothing purchase made for me will not fit or flatter.

I just feel so bad about the whole thing. I wish I can telepathically communicate "don't buy clothes for me!" to everyone! It would prevent a lot of awkwardness and definitely saves on money. I'm sorry if this whole post sounds rather ungrateful, but I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place.


BatCity

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Re: Gifts of clothing
« Reply #1 on: December 27, 2006, 04:30:02 PM »
Oh, you are so right.  I am always blown away that anyone would buy clothing for someone who is not their minor child.

Fact is, you are what you wear, and only you can decide who, or what, that is.  Your mom's intentions are good, but it sounds like she hasn't yet figured out that she can't dress you anymore. 

I wish I had some advice for you on this, but I don't.  But I feel for ya.

Lara

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Re: Gifts of clothing
« Reply #2 on: December 27, 2006, 04:38:55 PM »
Hoo boy.  I've been through that about a million times with my mother.  It's really aggravating.  I know how you feel - sometimes I wish I'd just gotten a pack of AA batteries instead of the clothes I've been given.  The batteries would actually be more welcome and they would cheaper - everyone wins!

I think the way you feel is perfectly natural.  After all, gift-giving is a form of communication and what does a totally inappropriate gift say?  Only things that are better left unsaid.

I say:  Don't feel ungrateful.  You don't have to like all the gifts you are given.  It's enough to say "thank you" and leave it at that.  You don't have to wear the jacket or the necklace. 

I know someone who immediately gives all inappropriate/unwanted gifts to charity.  She doesn't keep them around and feel guilty about not liking them.  Makes sense to me.

I can't for the life of me figure out why we (our society) go through these gift-giving rituals when they cause so much hassle and grief for people.  Not to mention the money that gets wasted.  Sigh.

ladiedeathe

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Re: Gifts of clothing
« Reply #3 on: December 27, 2006, 04:42:04 PM »
Bad,

Sorry to hear about yopur jacket but I can sympathize completely. If it were me, I'd return the jacket she got and find a blazer in a cut and color(s) I actually liked and wear it.

Let your Mom see how close she was to "getting" it. Maybe even tell her how much you like her imput, and offer to have her shop with you a few times for new things. It sounds like you are both on the "wear blazers" wavelength so maybe it wouldn't do any harm to let her feel like she got you on the right track!

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Re: Gifts of clothing
« Reply #4 on: December 27, 2006, 04:42:16 PM »
I agree with you.  When you buy clothes, unless you buy something to the recipient's order, there are sooooo many ways you can get it wrong that it's often a pothole you're best just avoiding by getting something else.
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Suze

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Re: Gifts of clothing
« Reply #5 on: December 27, 2006, 04:43:55 PM »
My sister used to buy clothing for me for Christmas. UGG. Most didn't fit well. Ok a sweatshirt can be a little big. but I usually wear a XL and she gets me XXXL and I have no hands the sleeves are soooo long, and her tastes and mine do not mesh.

So I gave the silly too big shirt back to her.  Mom told me later that Sis had bought the shirt for herself but it was too big. HUH! I have always been smaller than her! (not much, but still)

I finally put a ban on outside the house clothes.  Housecoats are another story, I like warm fluffy ones.   A couple of years ago I got five so I told them I didn't need any for a couple of years now.

Give me a gift card - so I can find stuff that FITS (I am sooo pear shaped)
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HushHush

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Re: Gifts of clothing
« Reply #6 on: December 27, 2006, 04:46:56 PM »
I'll buy clothes as gifts for one of my older sisters and my younger sister because I'm confident I know what they like and we have similar tastes.  My other older sister and younger brother on the other hand?  I'd rather gnaw my arm off then buy them clothes.  Things I could have sworn they said they liked are now in the "no way in heck will i wear that" pile.  I stick with things that are easier to choose like computer games and books.

However, I love when that sister buys me clothes because she always picks the best stuff and we are pretty open about returning things if someone doesn't like it.  I'd rather they return it and get something they'll like then waste my money by holding onto something they'll never wear or giving it to charity.

Charlotte

thebadchemist

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Re: Gifts of clothing
« Reply #7 on: December 27, 2006, 05:01:07 PM »
My sister used to buy clothing for me for Christmas. UGG. Most didn't fit well. Ok a sweatshirt can be a little big. but I usually wear a XL and she gets me XXXL and I have no hands the sleeves are soooo long, and her tastes and mine do not mesh.

My mother has been buying me larges and XLs for the longest time. I never knew why until now. She actually told me that she thought I was bigger than her (she's an L). The funny thing is, I inherited my J.Lo derriere from my mother's side (all the women on that side are big-butted and big-busted). The top half comes from my father's side, which can only be described by the hilarious line in "Bend it Like Beckham".

Sari designer: Oh, with our designs, even these mosquito bites will look like juicy, juicy mangoes! (said as poor Parminder Nagra stands there in despair)

Anyway, years of swimming gave me these rather thick deltoids, which haven't atrophied in my lazy post-swimming years. Shoulder pads only serve to make me look like Jerome Bettis... if he were short and female. It's not easy to fit a woman who has thick shoulders, a short neck, no boobs, and a bit of a tummy (that's definitely from the post-swimming era). Even with all of that, I'm two sizes smaller than Mom on top, so I'm not sure where she's getting all of this.

The hilarious (and somewhat happy) ending to all of this was when Mom tried on the jacket herself... and it was a perfect fit. Her complexion's a little lighter than mine, so the dark purple suited her beautifully. The plaid, the tweed, and the cut were PERFECT on her. I think that plaid and tweed would have worked fabulously on me, but they're typically an "older" style, so the cut would have to be somewhat more youthful and the blasted shoulder pads ditched. It's like argyle... the pattern's very classic and somewhat staid, so you have to balance that out with the cut and color of the piece. She ended up returning the jacket, but I'm keeping an eye on it for her birthday. :)

The only person who should buy me clothing is my fashionista best friend. Like Charlotte's sister, she has a great eye for color and cut. I was going to kill her when she suggested that red-orange would be a great color for me (think a deep red grapefruit color). Then, I tried on the top and guess what, it looked incredible.

Another thing about this is EVERYONE buys me clothes from Talbots! I don't know why! I never shop there and if you asked anyone, they'd tell you that I'm a Gap fiend. Yet, the majority of my clothing gifts (including this jacket) have been from Talbots. Odd...

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Re: Gifts of clothing
« Reply #8 on: December 27, 2006, 05:04:05 PM »
Give me a gift card - so I can find stuff that FITS (I am sooo pear shaped)

POD (sorry!) I AGREE!  
I've been round and round about this with my mother and sister for years.   They are finally starting to listen to me.  I used to be nice about it, but in the last few years it's been very hard to keep the pained expression off my face when I open another package and it's a sweater with horizontal stripes and fuzzy balls on the neck tie that I wouldn't give to a cat to use for bedding.  I finally (send me to E-hell!) had to snark about it to get them to stop!

This year my sister actually got me a book.  That I asked for.  And a gift card to Barnes & Noble.  Of course, she couldn't resist slipping in some Bath and Body Works body butter, which hopefully I'm not allergic to......*sigh* it smells heavenly....:)

Note: these are the same people who once jokingly said they would put me on "What Not To Wear."  I jokingly told them if they ever did, I would never speak to them again.  I hate that show.
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thebadchemist

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Re: Gifts of clothing
« Reply #9 on: December 27, 2006, 05:14:17 PM »
Bad,

Sorry to hear about yopur jacket but I can sympathize completely. If it were me, I'd return the jacket she got and find a blazer in a cut and color(s) I actually liked and wear it.

Let your Mom see how close she was to "getting" it. Maybe even tell her how much you like her imput, and offer to have her shop with you a few times for new things. It sounds like you are both on the "wear blazers" wavelength so maybe it wouldn't do any harm to let her feel like she got you on the right track!



I've been trying to, but she's resisting the idea, which is what makes me think that she's a little hurt about it. I don't know why... it would be a great bonding opportunity and she can see that no, I do not dress like I walked out of the REI catalog ALL of the time. Only some of the time, but really, my fleece jacket is fabulous and I don't look too bad in it.

This year my sister actually got me a book.  That I asked for.  And a gift card to Barnes & Noble.  Of course, she couldn't resist slipping in some Bath and Body Works body butter, which hopefully I'm not allergic to......*sigh* it smells heavenly....:)

Note: these are the same people who once jokingly said they would put me on "What Not To Wear."  I jokingly told them if they ever did, I would never speak to them again.  I hate that show.

My BF's mom finally stopped giving us body washes and lotions (I think... we'll have to see when he comes back this week). As with clothing, I'm very particular about smells and cosmetics. I hate being very scented, so I generally stick to unscented products. If I do use a scent, it has to be a fresh, light scent. I can't handle strong, musky smells. I don't have many allergies, but perfume has been the only thing that sends me into crazed sneezing fits. Yet, for the first few years we were dating, she kept giving me bath stuff. I know that's the generic solution for a young woman you don't know well, but now I have a collection of stuff I don't particularly like.

My best friend kept threatening me with "What Not To Wear," too! I HATE that show. Stacey and Clinton are jerks. Their tactics would only make me defensive and resistant. Plus, they have a very particular style, which isn't everyone's style. I like the suggestions about paying attention to cut and how things elongate your body (I had a bad habit of wearing stuff that "cuts" me off at the waist or the ankle... which never works for a short woman), but I would never wear sequins and weird patterns. Some of the stuff they force people to buy actually strays into tacky. I like neutral/dark colors, clean lines, and classic styles that are fashionable, but will last forever. If they threw out my wardrobe, which includes some expensive cold-weather gear, I would kill them. Maybe that would make for some entertaining television. ;)

Suze

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Re: Gifts of clothing
« Reply #10 on: December 27, 2006, 05:25:02 PM »
[
 but in the last few years it's been very hard to keep the pained expression off my face when I open another package and it's a sweater with horizontal stripes and fuzzy balls on the neck tie that I wouldn't give to a cat to use for bedding.  I finally (send me to E-hell!) had to snark about it to get them to stop!


Note: these are the same people who once jokingly said they would put me on "What Not To Wear."  I jokingly told them if they ever did, I would never speak to them again.  I hate that show.

And you could alway tell them that most of the clothes that those two would throw away are what YOU gave me in the first place!

I hate that show too! (Mom watches it)

What I would like to see them do (for all us who don't have $5,000 to spend on clothes) is to pick someone who is a little "lumpy" and has a hard time finding anything to just plain FIT. and take them to the heartland of America and the places us middle class working slobs shop.

Then put together outfits that don't cost an arm an leg.  

I flipped past one today that they were gushing over an outfit on a guy (pants and two shirts layered) and ONLY $500 for the outfit!

I think most of my closet didn't cost that much.
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thebadchemist

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Re: Gifts of clothing
« Reply #11 on: December 27, 2006, 05:31:10 PM »
[
 but in the last few years it's been very hard to keep the pained expression off my face when I open another package and it's a sweater with horizontal stripes and fuzzy balls on the neck tie that I wouldn't give to a cat to use for bedding.  I finally (send me to E-hell!) had to snark about it to get them to stop!


Note: these are the same people who once jokingly said they would put me on "What Not To Wear."  I jokingly told them if they ever did, I would never speak to them again.  I hate that show.

And you could alway tell them that most of the clothes that those two would throw away are what YOU gave me in the first place!

I hate that show too! (Mom watches it)

What I would like to see them do (for all us who don't have $5,000 to spend on clothes) is to pick someone who is a little "lumpy" and has a hard time finding anything to just plain FIT. and take them to the heartland of America and the places us middle class working slobs shop.

Then put together outfits that don't cost an arm an leg.  

I flipped past one today that they were gushing over an outfit on a guy (pants and two shirts layered) and ONLY $500 for the outfit!

I think most of my closet didn't cost that much.

Amen. I do shop at certain retailers, but I'm always on a lookout for a good deal. I never buy unless it's on sale. All of my J.Crew stuff (there isn't much of it) was purchased at unbelievable discounts. My latest purchase was a pair of cargo pants that originally cost $85. I bought them for $23. It's all about patience and being on the email lists so I know when the huge discounts are available.

I'd like to see how they would dress a short, but not skinny, woman. Some clothes are worth the splurge, but $5000 can go a lot further if they let those people shop at places like H&M (trendy, but cheap), instead of chic NY boutiques. I saw a woman drop $300 on a hat and a pair of shoes on one episode and BF and I fell off the couch. The money was shocking, but the thing was, the stuff she picked was UGLY. Trendy ugly. There's buying fashionable clothes that you like and look good in, but there's also buying ugly things because they're popular. That's one reason why I will never own Uggs.

Edited to add: This reminds me of a girl I saw at Costco. She was wearing a Von Dutch trucker's hat, a Von Dutch hooded sweatshirt, expensive jeans, and was carrying a Coach purse. I was a little astonished, because that whole outfit, even though it looked VERY casual, must have cost around $500. I knew the brands because they were emblazoned on her clothes. I looked down at my own hoodie, jeans, and similar purse (it wasn't Coach, but it was a simple shoulder bag), all purchased on sale, and realized that my whole outfit cost less than her trucker's cap. And I looked exactly the same. In fact, the only "investment" I had on were my Reef flipflops, but I always pay more for comfy flipflops because I live in them. Don't judge or else I'll know you were talking to my mother! ;)
« Last Edit: December 27, 2006, 05:43:43 PM by thebadchemist »

Suze

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Re: Gifts of clothing
« Reply #12 on: December 27, 2006, 05:36:37 PM »
What I can't figure out is they are always talking about "clean lines" and then show the "victim" a suit with the blouse hanging out from the bottom of the jacket.  I was taught that this just made you look like a slob.

Or getting a woman to buy tops that make "everybody" look like they are wearing maternity tops
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thebadchemist

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Re: Gifts of clothing
« Reply #13 on: December 27, 2006, 06:42:24 PM »
What I can't figure out is they are always talking about "clean lines" and then show the "victim" a suit with the blouse hanging out from the bottom of the jacket.  I was taught that this just made you look like a slob.

Or getting a woman to buy tops that make "everybody" look like they are wearing maternity tops

Please forgive the long post, as it isn't too much of a reply to your comment, but more of me rambling on about how much better my clothes fit now that I know what to look for!  :)

If the blouse-out-of-jacket is done well (and that's kind of hard to do), it does offer length to your body, which makes people look taller and/or leaner. It most likely doesn't work for a formal power-suit with a closed jacket, but it will work for a more casual setting, with the jacket open and paired with a great long necklace. "Clean lines" is basically not wearing things that draw lines in places like love handles/belly or at the ankle if you have short legs. Putting the outfit together so that one piece flows "cleanly" into the next (blouse into jacket, jacket into slacks, slacks at the proper length and tailoring) really does wonder for your figure, even for an Oompa Loompa like me.

I'm short, so I keep my pants a little long and not cut them where they meet my shoes. It's hard to believe, but if you do it both ways, you'll see that it really does make you look taller if your pants cover your shoes a little bit (not dragging or bunching). I also avoid cutting things right at my belly, since I have a short waist. The newest style is a longer shirt (thank goodness belly shirts and low-rises are going out of style), so I wear those so they don't cut at my "problem area," which is the spot right around my navel. It's all about drawing the eye away from parts you'd rather not attract attention to and not creating any bulges with the fit of your clothing. Blazers should make a waist by having curved seams. Look at the back of the jacket, if the seams are straight, you will make a square shape out of your body, which isn't too flattering. The hem of the blazer should hit a little past the top of your hips, flowing nicely into your pants. With just the right cut in both blazer and pants, you can definitely create a leaner look around the hip, which is what I need with my big rear.

The best thing to do is to try on badly-cut clothing versus well-cut clothing. A beautifully cut blazer can make a huge difference and will last forever. I didn't believe that until my best friend threw one on me. The best example of when it didn't work was when she had me try on a brocade, bolero-cut jacket. The brocade was really heavy, so it overwhelmed my smaller top. The bolero-cut ended right around my navel, making me look shorter. However, when my best friend (5'11" and very voluptuous) tried it on, it looked sensational on her. She's a bigger woman and a heavy fabric compliments her size. Her height made the bolero a good choice.

As for the empire-waisted tops... they do look like maternity tops, but I love them. For one thing, they give the illusion that my bust is a little more proportional by drawing the line right underneath them. They hide my belly well, and as long as I don't wear them too big or too blousy, I don't look pregnant. This is definitely where cut and the quality of the top are important. If it's sewn well at the empire waist, then it will hang just right. They tend to work better on small-top women. Also, the top should not end right at your hips, but should be slightly longer. Otherwise, it'll look like you're wearing a lampshade. If you follow the line from shoulder to foot, the top should curve around my bust, then flow down into my hips and into my jeans without any lumps or dips.

This even applies to jewelry. My friend can't wear chunky jewelry, despite her height and size, because she's naturally very fine-boned. She'll wear finer styles like bangles or light chains and thick bracelets really do look odd on her. However, I'm naturally big-boned, so even though I'm smaller in overall size, I can wear big beads and thick bracelets easily. Length of necklaces are also considered. I have to wear really long or almost choker-style ones, because of my short neck and short stature. Necklaces that fall right at the breastbone don't work for me. Nor do pendants, because they look like I'm wearing a sandwich board.

It's hard to describe, but creating "lines" and watching your hems and creases is the only thing that makes sense about that show. I'm sorry this is such a long post, but ever since my best friend introduced me to the idea of creating lines and essentially fooling the eye and hiding problem areas, I've been an avid student on how my clothes fit. It won't make me buy trendy stuff, but I'm a lot more careful about buying just anything. If it didn't really make such a difference, I wouldn't care, but it does do wonders for how your clothes look and it makes you think more about "does it look good on ME?" versus "does it look good?"

I'm still pretty amazed at how little details make a huge difference when it comes to that.

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Re: Gifts of clothing
« Reply #14 on: December 27, 2006, 06:48:25 PM »
I'm lucky - my mom and I are all the SAME size.  Same shoe size (10AAA), same height, same chest size (more or less), same shirt and jeans size, etc. - and all relatively "normal" sizes (except the feet).  So when she wants to get me clothing, I know it will fit.  It may look better on a 51-year-old than my 25-year-old bod, but it will fit.  My sister is the same shoe size as the two of us, but with broader shoulders.  I always thought of her as a bit heavier than I am (she's struggled with her tummy for a long time - she's got a metal rod fused to her spine because of her scoliosis, which means she can't do any of the normal exercises to make a big tummy go away!), until . . .

Parents' house, Thanksgiving weekend.  Sis has lost 35 pounds, and looks GREAT.  She mentions to me she's now down to her goal weight, and tells me what she is now.  Then I step on the scale and find that not only have I GAINED ten pounds since I last weighed myself (about a year ago), she weighs less than I do!  Eep!  I'm proud of her and everything, but I don't like being the heaviest one in the family :-)  (The downside is we both thought this swap was funny, and I mentioned it to my mom.  Now she's nagging me to lose weight.  *sigh*)