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Author Topic: Rude to bring family on Girls/Guys Weekend... update post 117  (Read 34095 times)

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crazycatlady

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I am going to go against the grain and say rude. 

To me, a hen's weekend that is a weekend get away, includes the fun of traveling to the destination, and spending the weekend with the girls, doing 'girl' stuff, talking about 'girl' things.  I would be irritated to get to the airport to see Sally with Johnny, and Mike in tow, since now the weekend getaway isn't actually starting until hours later.  Of course if they knew about it ahead of time it is a different story, and I wouldn't have been irritated.  Also, I expect that the OP missed out on a fair bit of just the lazing around and chatting that probably happened during her time with the family.

I think this is the OP's issue, and if being away wasn't do-able then she should have declined. 

WillyNilly

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I absolutely think it was rude. Beyond rude even. I would have been fuming mad if I went on a Girls weekend - used my precious time off, spent money on flights & hotels, etc and one person - an organizer no less - had brought their family along. It would absolutely, unconditionally would change ALL the dynamics.

I don't get stupid silly drunk often but I would on a weekend like that. I'd wear a cocktail dress & go dancing and have a few cocktails and quite frankly I don't want to worry about bumping into my friend's husband in the hotel lobby when I stumble back at 2am, nor do I want to smile & wave & feign perkiness the next morning when I bump into her kids at the Coke machine. When I go for a weekend away I want o get away from my normal, structured, responsible life and just relax.

I don't want to have to plan group outtings around one person's need to check in with family.

I think if the woman couldn't function for a weekend away from her family she should have bowed out of the weekend (or planned something else).

Raintree

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I am going to go against the grain and say rude. 

To me, a hen's weekend that is a weekend get away, includes the fun of traveling to the destination, and spending the weekend with the girls, doing 'girl' stuff, talking about 'girl' things.  I would be irritated to get to the airport to see Sally with Johnny, and Mike in tow, since now the weekend getaway isn't actually starting until hours later.  Of course if they knew about it ahead of time it is a different story, and I wouldn't have been irritated.  Also, I expect that the OP missed out on a fair bit of just the lazing around and chatting that probably happened during her time with the family.

I think this is the OP's issue, and if being away wasn't do-able then she should have declined. 

I'm inclined to agree with this. If the whole idea was a trip with "the gals" and we were travelling together as well, I would be a little irritated to find a husband and child in tow, and in all likelihood some "Hang on, I have to check in with my husband and child" interruptions to plans.

As for needing professional help, if the dynamics work for the OP and her family, that's their business. But I think it's rather sad. What happens if the day comes that the husband is tired of her neediness and leaves her? It'd be more than the usual crisis. Better to deal with it now. Btw I wonder if it's the wife who has the separation anxiety, or the husband?

Lynnv

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I am going to go against the grain and say rude. 

To me, a hen's weekend that is a weekend get away, includes the fun of traveling to the destination, and spending the weekend with the girls, doing 'girl' stuff, talking about 'girl' things.  I would be irritated to get to the airport to see Sally with Johnny, and Mike in tow, since now the weekend getaway isn't actually starting until hours later.  Of course if they knew about it ahead of time it is a different story, and I wouldn't have been irritated.  Also, I expect that the OP missed out on a fair bit of just the lazing around and chatting that probably happened during her time with the family.

I think this is the OP's issue, and if being away wasn't do-able then she should have declined. 

I'm inclined to agree with this. If the whole idea was a trip with "the gals" and we were travelling together as well, I would be a little irritated to find a husband and child in tow, and in all likelihood some "Hang on, I have to check in with my husband and child" interruptions to plans.

As for needing professional help, if the dynamics work for the OP and her family, that's their business. But I think it's rather sad. What happens if the day comes that the husband is tired of her neediness and leaves her? It'd be more than the usual crisis. Better to deal with it now. Btw I wonder if it's the wife who has the separation anxiety, or the husband?

I would find it rude.  Not only because taking guys along on a hen's weekend changes the dynamic, but also because if it was a 'bring your families' trip, then I would probably have brought DH rather than leaving him at home with the kitties.  DH loves to travel as much as I do, and could find things to entertain himself while our girl-stuff was going on. 

So-after arranging a weekend and giving up time with my DH to spend with this group of friends, finding out that it was only a hen's weekend for some of the group would stick in my craw a little bit.
Lynn

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HonorH

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I'd have to know more about how she handled the weekend bouncing between her friends and her family before I declare her rude or not. However, I do think she ought to see a professional. Separation anxiety can be not only painful for the sufferer, but put extraordinary pressures on the family.
William wondered why he always disliked people who said "no offense meant." Maybe it was because they found it easier to say "no offense meant" than actually to refrain from giving offense.

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KittyBass

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I've come back to this thread a few times, initially I didn't think it was all that rude but after giving it some thought I think that it was. I am also one who suffers from anxiety problems that have increased over the years, especially since settling down and getting married. However, if I thought the idea of leaving DH was too stressful for me I would decline. I have declined invitations in the past because of stress related issues. I would never invite my SO (or kids if I had them) as a safety net.


MadMadge43

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As someone with a group of friends who would think this is incredibly ridiculous, I am mixed.

If I had a close friend who suffered from this (I don't, but I have friends with social anxiety orders), I would put up with it; And/or expect it.

It seems to me that the LW handled it very well, for what it is.

Would I be a bit perturbed if she wasn't a close friend and was interrupting my weekend? Probably, but then I really wouldn't care if she missed out on some of the funner aspects to accommodate her disorder.

blarg314

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Thinking about it, I would vote for rude for several reasons.

The first is the bait and switch aspect. Having the husband and daughter along, and having to visit them at multiple times during the day is going to change the nature of the event. She took a girls' weekend and made it a family vacation where she spends some time with her friends, but is still tied to her family.

The second is the fact that she did this without checking with the others. There's a big difference between imposing something on your friends, and asking if they mind accommodating you.

The third is the fact that she was one of the organizers. In essence, she gave herself an option that wasn't available to the other participants. No-one else could have done it, because she was the one controlling the reservations.

And I agree with the people who say that she should get help. Her anxiety is strong enough that is affecting her ability to do things in her life, and is imposing itself on other people. AT that point she either needs to get help addressing it, or has to take responsibility for it and not push it on other people (ie, turning down invitations to weekends away if she can't go without an escort).
 

petal

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i think its rude

i know that separation anxiety is hard  ( i suffer panic attacks) but by bringing hubby and child along she has completely changed the group dynamics.

half the fun of girls night out/girls weekend away  is being silly and loud and not your normal polite self.

i feel that the woman in the OP needs to seek proper help to conquer (or at least quell) the anxiety first before going on any more weekends away.
 

either the whole group takes hubby and children or none do.




i used to go away with a large group of women to the next holiday town for a break. we were all mums of disabled children.   a friend i roomed with at one camp was telling me about a previous camp she'd been too where 2 of the women she shared with sneaked their husbands in.  it completely ruined the weekend for all the other women in the cottage.

Raintree

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I once tried to organize a "girls weekend"; most of the women understood the purpose, but one in particular just assumed she could bring her daughter. I allowed it because she is a single mom who would have had to stay home otherwise; she is extremely sensitive (read: Drama Queen) and there would have been hard feelings if I'd said, "Actually, this is adults only" (and there was lots of background history here) but her daughter was bored the whole time (understandably - she was 10) and the mother tried to make every activity kid-friendly. In retrospect, I wish I'd put my foot down. I realize this is not the case with the OP but having the husband and child on the same plane already changes the dynamic. For me, the trip starts as soon as you all go to the airport together.

Precarious Armada

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I read this problem on another forum, and was curious to see what eHellions would make of it.

The OP was attending a Hen's Weekend in a different city. She was one of the organisers, and booked flights, accommodation, etc, for her and the other women (although everyone presumably paid their own way).

However, the OP stated she suffers from separation anxiety, so arranged for her husband and daughter (a young child) to come along too! The husband and daughter travelled with the women on the same flights to and from the destination, and stayed in the same hotel as the women. However, the husband and child stayed in a different room to the OP and her friends, and did not attend the pre-planned Hen's Weekend activities. Whenever the OP was participating in those activities, the husband and daughter would go shopping, or catch up with relatives who also lived in the area. However, the OP visited her husband and daughter at regular intervals during the weekend, in order to appease her anxiety issues.

This was actually not the main question in the original post (it had to do with an airline issue) but a lot of posters picked up on this particular aspect. Many told the OP that she was "clingy" and should see a professional to get over her issues.

What do you all think? Was the OP rude for bringing her family along on the Hen's Weekend? Or was she ok, given the circumstances?



Her accomodations were no one else's business if they did not interfere with her duties as a hostess.

POD!!

And given the information we have received I would not make any assumptions about whether the OP is seeking treatment or not. Whether or not the OP is seeking treatment or not is their business.

jimithing

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I once tried to organize a "girls weekend"; most of the women understood the purpose, but one in particular just assumed she could bring her daughter. I allowed it because she is a single mom who would have had to stay home otherwise; she is extremely sensitive (read: Drama Queen) and there would have been hard feelings if I'd said, "Actually, this is adults only" (and there was lots of background history here) but her daughter was bored the whole time (understandably - she was 10) and the mother tried to make every activity kid-friendly. In retrospect, I wish I'd put my foot down. I realize this is not the case with the OP but having the husband and child on the same plane already changes the dynamic. For me, the trip starts as soon as you all go to the airport together.

I arranged a girl's trip to NYC, and a friend invited her mom without telling us, and booked their tickets. Talk about being annoyed. She was very nice, but it was just weird. And it ended up my friend and her mom pairing off most of the time, and me and my other friend pairing off.

I have never talked to this friend about how weird I thought that was, but it the dynamics were just off, and frankly, disappointing.

Yvaine

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The third is the fact that she was one of the organizers. In essence, she gave herself an option that wasn't available to the other participants. No-one else could have done it, because she was the one controlling the reservations.

I'll revise my opinion--IMHO it's not rude if she did offer the option to the other ladies, and I don't think we know if that's the case. If I were on the trip, I wouldn't mind if anybody or everybody had their hubby and kid there--as long as they didn't interfere with the Official Activities (tm), and to me they didn't; they didn't even stay in the same room. It would be rude if she didn't give the others the option of bringing their own families under the same conditions.

Spoder

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Thinking about it, I would vote for rude for several reasons.

The first is the bait and switch aspect. Having the husband and daughter along, and having to visit them at multiple times during the day is going to change the nature of the event. She took a girls' weekend and made it a family vacation where she spends some time with her friends, but is still tied to her family.

The second is the fact that she did this without checking with the others. There's a big difference between imposing something on your friends, and asking if they mind accommodating you.

The third is the fact that she was one of the organizers. In essence, she gave herself an option that wasn't available to the other participants. No-one else could have done it, because she was the one controlling the reservations.

And I agree with the people who say that she should get help. Her anxiety is strong enough that is affecting her ability to do things in her life, and is imposing itself on other people. AT that point she either needs to get help addressing it, or has to take responsibility for it and not push it on other people (ie, turning down invitations to weekends away if she can't go without an escort).
 

I agree. Only 'not rude' if she gave the others the heads-up before the event, in case they wanted to bring family too.

(But being unable to go for a girls' weekend without a SO certainly doesn't seem like a healthy state of affairs, frankly).

ETA: Bibliophile posted after me, which made me think: it's not even so much giving others the heads up, as *asking* them if they mind, before you make the reservations. And even asking is kind of obnoxious, because people aren't going to feel as if they can say 'no', even though they'll probably want to. It's kind of not in the spirit of the event.
« Last Edit: March 08, 2011, 07:58:48 AM by Spoder »

Bibliophile

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It was rude when it happened on Real Housewives and I think it's rude now.  It's a girls' weekend.  Either decline to go or go without your family.

“Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.” ~ Groucho Marx


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