News: IT'S THE 2ND ANNUAL GUATEMALA LIBRARY PROJECT BOOK DRIVE!    LOOKING FOR DONATIONS OF SCIENCE BOOKS THIS YEAR.    Check it out in the "Extending the Hand of Kindness" folder or here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=139832.msg3372084#msg3372084   

  • December 13, 2017, 01:14:22 PM

Login with username, password and session length

Author Topic: Rude to bring family on Girls/Guys Weekend... update post 117  (Read 33966 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

bah12

  • Member
  • Posts: 6898
I do find it incredibly rude.  As many posters have said, the mere presence of the Husband and daughter travelling with them. (Not necessarily even sitting beside them on the plane), changes the dynamics.  I've gone on a  few girls weekends- and had an out of town hen night in Vegas.  We start in the car on the way there.  the chocolate comes out and the girly fun talk starts.  It jsut isn't the same when the husband and daughter are there.  

For instance, if the group was walking the strip in Vegas and decided to have an impromptu dinner at X place instead of walking back to their hotel, and the mom had made plans to check in with the dad and daughter to either put baby to bed or go to dinner and left, I'd be ticked.  She's not completely there for the hen weekend.  She's dividing her time between 2 vacations.  There is no room for spontaniety.

Could you imagine if every wife brought their husband and assorted children and decided to do what this woman did?  Nothing would get done because every wife was busy making plans with their husband/family in addition to the bride to be.   I'd be one livid bride to be.

She should have never even organized an out of town trip if she couldn't handle going.

To me, a car is different as everyone is in a confined space.  Adding additional people where it wasn't agreed upon is rude.  A plane is not the same.  You can't control who the other passengers are.  If you've made arrangements to sit together with your girlfriends and you are sitting together, then having someone else two rows behind does not change the dynamic.

Also, I stand by that when I'm on a trip, any trip, I will not commit to spending all my time with the group I'm with.  And I think it's rude to expect people to.  If the group makes an impromptu decision to go out dancing after dinner, then there's nothing wrong with one or more members of that group saying "No thanks.  You guys have fun, but I'm out."  Family or not.  The only thing anyone should have to attend is what they committed to doing before the trip.  I don't have separation anxiety, but at the same time, I would not want to spend all my time at the whim of the group I'm in.  There's nothing wrong with needing time to do something else. 


WillyNilly

  • Member
  • Posts: 7490
  • Mmmmm, food
    • The World as I Taste It
For instance, if the group was walking the strip in Vegas and decided to have an impromptu dinner at X place instead of walking back to their hotel, and the mom had made plans to check in with the dad and daughter to either put baby to bed or go to dinner and left, I'd be ticked.  She's not completely there for the hen weekend.  She's dividing her time between 2 vacations.  There is no room for spontaniety.

I went to Vegas with a few girlfriends.  We got all dressed up with the idea of dinner then find a night club to go dancing.  While out, we were approached by an employee who offered us free front-table seats to a performance if we could go right then - apparently the show was undersold and there was some reason they had to fill the audience, my guess it was being taped - if one friend had said "nope sorry we can't, I have to check in with hubby..." well either we would have left her "too bad, so sad, we're going in" or if she had answered for us and we lost the opportunity we would have been livid - it was an amazing show (tickets for it cost about $200 each!) and we had incredible seats and it was a once in a  lifetime opportunity to get such an offer.

Another time, a group of girlfriends went out to the Hamptons for a bachelorette weekend.  We had plans to go to dinner at a particular restaurant then to a particular bar/club for dancing.  But when we got to the bar it was too crowded (and we didn't like the crowd) so we changed spots.  Changing locations significantly changed our transportation options and the amount of time to get back to our beach house - if someone had been on some sort of "checking in" schedule we might have been prevented from having fluid, flexible plans.

Twik

  • Member
  • Posts: 28884
Also, I stand by that when I'm on a trip, any trip, I will not commit to spending all my time with the group I'm with.  And I think it's rude to expect people to. 

I would agree with you fully, if this were a normal trip.

However, it's a hen trip. The idea of such is specifically to engage in some gender-bonding by engaging in close-knit "girls-only" activities. If you're not going to commit to spending your time with the group, you're not achieving the group goal.

This is one reason why I think the "weekend or longer in another city" hen trip is a poor idea in general. It *is* a very long time to devote totally to the group, compared to a single night on the town at home. However, if that's what you committed to, you're committed for the duration.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

bah12

  • Member
  • Posts: 6898
Also, I stand by that when I'm on a trip, any trip, I will not commit to spending all my time with the group I'm with.  And I think it's rude to expect people to. 

I would agree with you fully, if this were a normal trip.

However, it's a hen trip. The idea of such is specifically to engage in some gender-bonding by engaging in close-knit "girls-only" activities. If you're not going to commit to spending your time with the group, you're not achieving the group goal.

This is one reason why I think the "weekend or longer in another city" hen trip is a poor idea in general. It *is* a very long time to devote totally to the group, compared to a single night on the town at home. However, if that's what you committed to, you're committed for the duration.

I have never taken hen trips to mean that I have to spend all my time with the group.  As a matter of fact, a group of five of us spent a long weekend in Vegas a few years ago.  We had made some general plans before going...getting tickets to a show.  Agreeing to eat dinner at a certain restaurant before then.  And going to a specific club on another night.  We stayed in two rooms, all together, and traveled together.  We did not plan out every single iota of the trip.  On the last day, I wanted to read by the hotel pool, a couple other girls wanted to go shopping, and the other two wanted to gamble.  We agreed on a time to meet for a late lunch and went about our day.  I would not have expected that I would have had to get concensus from every other girl on the trip to sit at the pool with me that day, or would have had to go shopping if that's what everyone else was doing, just because we were on a vacation together.

I really enjoy spending time with my friends...and these days, now that I have DD, I miss it. But I still wouldn't or couldn't spend that much time with the same group of people.  And I don't think that means that we have to give up on going on the vacations out of town.  I actually gave up a friendship (let it die slowly) with a girl who was far to clingy.  I just don't like feeling like I have to handcuffed to friends just because we are on a trip together.  I would spend the majority of my time with them, for sure.  And it sounds like that's exactly what the woman in the OP did.  She did all the "hen" activities, but she didn't spend every single second with them.  I would have been the same way.

I also think this woman made the best of the situation.  She planned this trip for someone else.  I think that if she were my friend and told me that she wanted to plan a nice trip for the bride, but was worried because she couldn't handle being away from her family for a few days, I wouldn't have told her that she either needs to insist that the party be local or not plan it and not go.  I would have suggested that she do exactly what she did.  Plan the weekend that's best for the bride, and bring her family along to ease her anxiety.  Again, as long as she did everything that she committed to doing before the trip, I don't see one thing wrong with them being there for the down times. 

WillyNilly

  • Member
  • Posts: 7490
  • Mmmmm, food
    • The World as I Taste It
Also, I stand by that when I'm on a trip, any trip, I will not commit to spending all my time with the group I'm with.  And I think it's rude to expect people to.  If the group makes an impromptu decision to go out dancing after dinner, then there's nothing wrong with one or more members of that group saying "No thanks.  You guys have fun, but I'm out."  Family or not.  The only thing anyone should have to attend is what they committed to doing before the trip.  I don't have separation anxiety, but at the same time, I would not want to spend all my time at the whim of the group I'm in.  There's nothing wrong with needing time to do something else. 

I think though, there is a HUGE difference between saying "I'm peopled out right now and need some alone time, you all have fun I'm going to do [whatever] on my own" and saying "I'm done spending time with you all and am now going to spend time with someone else who I'd rather be with." 

LadyPekoe

  • Member
  • Posts: 3044
    • Cooking my way through The Joy of Cooking!
I've been to three destination bachelorettes, including my own.  New Orleans, Kansas City, and San Fransisco.  We spent every minute together for all three of them, including all staying in the same room. I'm not sure destination bachelorettes are a great fit for people who like lots of "down time".  IME they tend to only be a couple days long and very focused.  Not we will hang around from 12-2, catch dinner, and then maybe go to a bar.  More like "wake up, gossip, go to breakfast, shop, go to lunch, happy hour, get ready for dinner, dinner, bars". 
I'm cooking my way through The Joy of Cooking!  Join me on my quest :)
www.thejoyofthejoyofcooking.blogspot.com

bah12

  • Member
  • Posts: 6898
Also, I stand by that when I'm on a trip, any trip, I will not commit to spending all my time with the group I'm with.  And I think it's rude to expect people to.  If the group makes an impromptu decision to go out dancing after dinner, then there's nothing wrong with one or more members of that group saying "No thanks.  You guys have fun, but I'm out."  Family or not.  The only thing anyone should have to attend is what they committed to doing before the trip.  I don't have separation anxiety, but at the same time, I would not want to spend all my time at the whim of the group I'm in.  There's nothing wrong with needing time to do something else. 

I think though, there is a HUGE difference between saying "I'm peopled out right now and need some alone time, you all have fun I'm going to do [whatever] on my own" and saying "I'm done spending time with you all and am now going to spend time with someone else who I'd rather be with." 

True.  But, there's not a huge difference in needing time alone and needing time with different people that aren't in the group.  People rejuvinate in different ways.  Some need alone time and some just need a different atmosphere, even with different people.  It's not personal, it's just how it is.

And we're also talking about someone who seems to have separation anxiety that a bit beyond the normal range of most people.  So, now you're getting into the difference between wanting to spend time with someone else and needing to.  It doesn't seem that this woman subjected the other girls to her husband and child.  They were there, but on their own while she was doing the girls only events.  She even stayed in the same room as the other girls.  What do we really expect her to do?  I think she did pretty good given what she had and I still can't see where them being in the same city as her and her friends is any worse than if they were in the same city in their home town, but still spending the majority of the weekend together.

frogonmytoe

  • Member
  • Posts: 218
I think though, there is a HUGE difference between saying "I'm peopled out right now and need some alone time, you all have fun I'm going to do [whatever] on my own" and saying "I'm done spending time with you all and am now going to spend time with someone else who I'd rather be with." 

But being with her husband and young child IS her "alone" time - pretty much. For an introvert, needing time away from a group of friends is about resting and refilling her resources. I don't get much "alone" time now that I'm married, but quality time with my husband serves the same purpose - I can be myself completely around him.

If I needed a break from a large social group of women (much less one that I organized), I would either need time by myself OR with my husband. It's not about choosing him over them, it would be about choosing ME over them, so that I could be refreshed and ready to participate fully with them during the bigger activities.

The person who chooses to sit out by the pool instead of gambling/shopping (using someone's example) may talk to strangers at the pool - it doesn't mean the strangers were who they'd rather spend time with, but that the activity (or just the break from the group) was something she needed for herself.


Surianne

  • Member
  • Posts: 11599
    • Prince ShimmerShine Moondream's Blogging Adventure
Also, I stand by that when I'm on a trip, any trip, I will not commit to spending all my time with the group I'm with.  And I think it's rude to expect people to.  If the group makes an impromptu decision to go out dancing after dinner, then there's nothing wrong with one or more members of that group saying "No thanks.  You guys have fun, but I'm out."  Family or not.  The only thing anyone should have to attend is what they committed to doing before the trip.  I don't have separation anxiety, but at the same time, I would not want to spend all my time at the whim of the group I'm in.  There's nothing wrong with needing time to do something else. 

I think though, there is a HUGE difference between saying "I'm peopled out right now and need some alone time, you all have fun I'm going to do [whatever] on my own" and saying "I'm done spending time with you all and am now going to spend time with someone else who I'd rather be with." 

I think that's where the disagreement comes in, then, because I see no difference between these two things.  Either way, the person is leaving to recharge their social batteries -- whether it's alone or with the husband/kids doesn't matter to me at all.

Also, I stand by that when I'm on a trip, any trip, I will not commit to spending all my time with the group I'm with.  And I think it's rude to expect people to.  

I would agree with you fully, if this were a normal trip.

However, it's a hen trip. The idea of such is specifically to engage in some gender-bonding by engaging in close-knit "girls-only" activities. If you're not going to commit to spending your time with the group, you're not achieving the group goal.

This is what happened to me on a trip last summer.  I had absolutely no idea that the other girls thought we had to spend 100% of the time together, and I had no idea that they'd be angry with me for taking time to myself.  

I think it's just as rude to have unspoken expectations like that as it is to unknowingly "break" them.  If your enjoyment of the trip is dependent on everyone spending 100% of the time together, you need to make that clear up front, I think.  It's not fair to expect other people to magically figure that out.

I hope that didn't come out harsher than I intended...it's a bit of an emotional area for me because of how nasty a former friend was last summer about this topic.  

Background: I separated from the group to go to dinner by myself because I didn't like the food the other women wanted, and I wanted to try a pub and sample local beer.  One woman was extremely nasty to me on the ride back because of this.I had no idea that anyone would have a problem with that, because no one told me in advance.  If I had known, I would have declined the trip, as there's no way I can spend a full 3 days with anyone, no matter how much I like them.

So I see this situation as somewhat similar.  If the woman in the OP looks at her husband/kid as people she socially recharges with (in the same way I socially recharge by being alone), and assumed she'd have downtime to spend with them, how was she supposed to know that the other women required 100% of her time?


Surianne

  • Member
  • Posts: 11599
    • Prince ShimmerShine Moondream's Blogging Adventure
I think though, there is a HUGE difference between saying "I'm peopled out right now and need some alone time, you all have fun I'm going to do [whatever] on my own" and saying "I'm done spending time with you all and am now going to spend time with someone else who I'd rather be with." 

But being with her husband and young child IS her "alone" time - pretty much. For an introvert, needing time away from a group of friends is about resting and refilling her resources. I don't get much "alone" time now that I'm married, but quality time with my husband serves the same purpose - I can be myself completely around him.

If I needed a break from a large social group of women (much less one that I organized), I would either need time by myself OR with my husband. It's not about choosing him over them, it would be about choosing ME over them, so that I could be refreshed and ready to participate fully with them during the bigger activities.

The person who chooses to sit out by the pool instead of gambling/shopping (using someone's example) may talk to strangers at the pool - it doesn't mean the strangers were who they'd rather spend time with, but that the activity (or just the break from the group) was something she needed for herself.


Yes, exactly.  I really, really wish that extroverts could understand this.  It would make my life so much easier!

WillyNilly

  • Member
  • Posts: 7490
  • Mmmmm, food
    • The World as I Taste It
I've been to three destination bachelorettes, including my own.  New Orleans, Kansas City, and San Fransisco.  We spent every minute together for all three of them, including all staying in the same room. I'm not sure destination bachelorettes are a great fit for people who like lots of "down time".  IME they tend to only be a couple days long and very focused.  Not we will hang around from 12-2, catch dinner, and then maybe go to a bar.  More like "wake up, gossip, go to breakfast, shop, go to lunch, happy hour, get ready for dinner, dinner, bars".  

I have been on two destination bachelorette parties, on a several friends vacations, on several trips with boyfriends, and on family vacations.  The expectation, my whole life, on all trips, has always been: we are on vacation together.  Sometimes larger groups split into smaller groups, but no one goes off alone with people not part of the group and no one goes off even alone-alone for more then say a cumulative 2-3 hours for the whole trip.

If I needed a break from a large social group of women (much less one that I organized), I would either need time by myself OR with my husband. It's not about choosing him over them, it would be about choosing ME over them, so that I could be refreshed and ready to participate fully with them during the bigger activities.

If the only option offered to the rest of the group was alone time means alone, not with a spouse (and in fact at least one person, the bride, didn't even have a spouse, and probably a few others didn't as well) then that should be the only option for everyone.

edited for grammar
« Last Edit: March 08, 2011, 03:20:53 PM by WillyNilly »

Arrynne

  • Member
  • Posts: 906
I wouldn't say she was rude since the husband/child were not interfering with the hen weekend. However, it does seem a little extreme.

hobish

  • Member
  • Posts: 17892
  • Release the gelfling!

I dunno. To me there is something different between,
“Hey, I really need my alone time so I am going to do x if that will work” and
“Hey, I have this really rare and un-provable social disorder so I am going to plan the whole trip in order to get my way.”
It’s just sounds a little dodgy, to steal a word from our European friends. Maybe it didn’t go down that way, maybe I am assuming much; but that is how it sounded to me and I would have been a bit put off. Not just in the change in dynamic; but in the lame-sounding excuses for it. I’ve got anxiety issues myself, so don’t think I am just brushing them off – I just wouldn’t try to use them the way it sounds like the woman in the OP did.


It's alright, man. I'm only bleeding, man. Stay hungry, stay free, and do the best you can.
~Gaslight Anthem

Giggity

  • Member
  • Posts: 8342
I think though, there is a HUGE difference between saying "I'm peopled out right now and need some alone time, you all have fun I'm going to do [whatever] on my own" and saying "I'm done spending time with you all and am now going to spend time with someone else who I'd rather be with." 

But being with her husband and young child IS her "alone" time - pretty much. For an introvert, needing time away from a group of friends is about resting and refilling her resources.

Yes, exactly.  I really, really wish that extroverts could understand this.  It would make my life so much easier!

I for one sense a disconnect between "I can't handle any more people" and "so I have to spend time with my husband." I mean, he's a person, right?
Words mean things.

NOVA Lady

  • Member
  • Posts: 7862

I dunno. To me there is something different between,
“Hey, I really need my alone time so I am going to do x if that will work” and
“Hey, I have this really rare and un-provable social disorder so I am going to plan the whole trip in order to get my way.”
It’s just sounds a little dodgy, to steal a word from our European friends. Maybe it didn’t go down that way, maybe I am assuming much; but that is how it sounded to me and I would have been a bit put off. Not just in the change in dynamic; but in the lame-sounding excuses for it. I’ve got anxiety issues myself, so don’t think I am just brushing them off – I just wouldn’t try to use them the way it sounds like the woman in the OP did.





Agreed.

I don't think this kind of activity is one that the OP of the original issue should have planned, I find girl weekends like these to include most time together.

If someone needed some chill time alone I would understand.... but if they needed time with their DH and kid I would feel a bit odd and annoyed...like what is it about me that makes the person need to spend time instead with others?

To me there is a huge huge difference between alone and with DH and kid. The 2nd is not alone at all.

I would think she should not have come.


Sorry, this topic is locked. Only admins and moderators can reply.