Author Topic: You're not sharing your room with him?!  (Read 7892 times)

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Ginya

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You're not sharing your room with him?!
« on: March 19, 2011, 07:59:10 PM »
BG (Long Sorry!)  I'm not sure if this is the right topic area, feel free to move it

My DH best friend from childhood (HBF) is handicapped. He was in an accident when he was about 10 but can walk and move about under his own power. He has some motion problems and needs help once in a while getting out of the car. My DH and I married before he went into the Army and after he finished boot camp and had gone into AIT (Advanced Individual Training) I had a few opportunities to go visit. He had a rather lengthy AIT so on the third planned visit DH thought it would be a fun idea to have HBF come along. I knew he missed home and readily agreed. They had been friends since they were 7 and even share the same birthday. We agreed to pay for his hotel room since he is unable to work. I should also note he lives at home with his Mom and brother.

At the point this all takes place we've been married for 8 months, separated for 6 months, (because of the Army) and have only seen each other for four days total in that time.

End BG

 As with all of my trips I planned everything and this time HBF arrangements as well, so we could travel together with out gaps and because he can't drive. I asked for two rooms, (One for us, one for him *this is important later) close together if it was possible. They ended up being spread out because the entire base had leave and the hotel was almost full.

  The day for us to depart comes up and I go to pick up HBF. I showed up early to make sure his luggage would be met with TSA Approval, and because at this time especially I would get anxious to see DH and wanted everything to run smoothly. HBF had to change a couple things and while I was waiting I was standing with his mother and aunt in the dining room. We were talking about the hotel and I mentioned that we weren't able to get rooms right next to each other. His mother suddenly gets this horrified look on her face and says "You're not going to being sharing your room with him?!" I was stunned she'd even ask so I didn't say anything for a minute or two. Then I laughed a little then said "Well of course not, HBF has his own room!" HBF's mom and his aunt exchange looks and then she says "He can't have his own room! Can't he stay with you guys?" I honestly didn't  understand what she was so concerned about so I just said "Well of course not! He's a grown man!"

BHF then came out and I loaded the bags and we said good-bye to everyone and went on our way. It wasn't until later on the plane, that BHF explained to me he's never had his own room at a hotel, or anytime they've gone somewhere.  BHF and DH are both 24 year old guys, and I was shocked by this bit of information. I know BHF has a few disabilities but he's not inept by any means. I asked again when we arrived at the hotel for closer rooms but no luck, everything went fine and BHF had no problems. I can kind of understand her concern, but to ask a newly married couple whose been separated from each other for several months to share a room with another adult? I thought that was insane! What do you guys think?

Jocelyn

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Re: You're not sharing your room with him?!
« Reply #1 on: March 19, 2011, 08:23:04 PM »
I think it's a wild idea...but then, I think that a 24 year old man who has never had a hotel room to himself is a wild idea, too. You described his disability in fairly mild terms. You didn't mention that you had to assist him with the bathroom while you were traveling, so I'm guessing that he can handle that and dress himself on his own. If so, the only potential problem I'd see was bathing, and certainly your DH could go sit in his room to be ready to assist if THAT were a problem. The only precaution I'd take was your DH having a key to his friend's room JIC he needed help, so you wouldn't have to get hotel staff to open the door.
I hope this is a start for new freedom for HBF.

VorFemme

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Re: You're not sharing your room with him?!
« Reply #2 on: March 19, 2011, 08:26:34 PM »
I think that his mother still sees him as her injured little boy and not as a 24 year old man who has been living with a disability for 17 years or so...............

I have a nephew who was injured at age 3 some 18 years ago - I sort of understand where she's coming from but I KNOW that my nephew needs to do a few things "for himself" if he can.  

(He uses a wheelchair or walker most of the time - but the place he's living now is two story with a basement - so he ends up crawling part of the time because there is no other way to get around - the decor tends to the overstuffed furniture and LOTS of it look.)
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Doll Fiend

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Re: You're not sharing your room with him?!
« Reply #3 on: March 20, 2011, 03:15:46 AM »
*facepalm* My Father had polio as a child and has been handicapped since then. Leg braces and crutches. I would never think he couldn't do anything. (But the laundry or sewing. :D ) He even mows the lawn with a push mower and uses a lawn tractor to plow the driveway of our house and others.
He would hate to be treated like that. He taught me to never underestimate anyone and their capabilities.
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irish1

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Re: You're not sharing your room with him?!
« Reply #4 on: March 23, 2011, 07:41:25 PM »
Definitely... odd, and I don't think you should be expected to share a room with him by any means! Just wondering, did he seem totally happy to have a room to himself? I presume you would have mentioned it if not, and it's probably 'crazy-mammy' syndrome ;)

FoxPaws

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Re: You're not sharing your room with him?!
« Reply #5 on: March 23, 2011, 08:18:50 PM »
Thank goodness for stunned speechlessness. It keeps us (okay, me) from blurting out things - like, "We're newlyweds and haven't seen each other in months. Heck no! We don't want a roommate!" - and leading mama and auntie's minds down all sorts of channels they haven't been before.

I always imagine some sort of Code Red happening in the brain during these moments - Disengage speech!! Shut down all communication!! Defense shields up!!

You did good. :) I bet HBF enjoyed having some privacy for once.
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amylouky

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Re: You're not sharing your room with him?!
« Reply #6 on: March 24, 2011, 10:51:20 PM »
I think you did fine, and Mom sounds a bit overprotective (understandably so.. but still.)
I do think, though, that if his disability were severe enough that it actually would be dangerous for him to stay alone (ie, danger of falling and not being able to get back up/to the phone), then it wouldn't be rude for his Mom to make sure that someone would be with him, even to the point of sharing a room.
But it doesn't sound like that's the case here, so I think you did him a big favor by pointing out to Mom that he's more capable than she might be giving him credit for.

irish1

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Re: You're not sharing your room with him?!
« Reply #7 on: March 25, 2011, 12:57:38 PM »
Thank goodness for stunned speechlessness. It keeps us (okay, me) from blurting out things - like, "We're newlyweds and haven't seen each other in months. Heck no! We don't want a roommate!" - and leading mama and auntie's minds down all sorts of channels they haven't been before.


Ha, at least it would stop them asking again!

I think you did fine, and Mom sounds a bit overprotective (understandably so.. but still.)
I do think, though, that if his disability were severe enough that it actually would be dangerous for him to stay alone (ie, danger of falling and not being able to get back up/to the phone), then it wouldn't be rude for his Mom to make sure that someone would be with him, even to the point of sharing a room.
But it doesn't sound like that's the case here, so I think you did him a big favor by pointing out to Mom that he's more capable than she might be giving him credit for.


POD. Good point. Don't feel bad OP!

Ginya

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Re: You're not sharing your room with him?!
« Reply #8 on: March 29, 2011, 12:46:58 PM »
Thank you everyone! I was hoping I wasn't the only one who found this unbelievable. A few people asked if he was happy having his own space, the answer to that question is kind of. His accident occurred about the time most kids start being more independent, and I don't think he's ever even thought about wanting to be independent since Mom was always there. It was a new experience and I think it made him think a bit. On the positive note he wants the three of us to go down to Vegas for their birthday! (separate rooms of course  :) ) So he's warming up to it I think!

Doll Fiend

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Re: You're not sharing your room with him?!
« Reply #9 on: March 29, 2011, 06:19:39 PM »
Glad to here the update! I do hope that Vegas is fun to you all!

I just had a thought. If some was so dependent on a helper, wouldn't they or their guardian provide such help rather than expect some one else to do it?

Ginya

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Re: You're not sharing your room with him?!
« Reply #10 on: March 30, 2011, 08:05:42 PM »
Glad to here the update! I do hope that Vegas is fun to you all!

I just had a thought. If some was so dependent on a helper, wouldn't they or their guardian provide such help rather than expect some one else to do it?

 I guess my best answer to this, is he isn't that dependent really. Or rather he doesn't need to be, he's capable of doing things on his own. I suspect that on some level she's aware of this, but for some reason just expected us to be a substitute for her without thinking of the reasons I went down to see DH.  ::)

Ida

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Re: You're not sharing your room with him?!
« Reply #11 on: April 06, 2011, 12:14:36 AM »
OK, I'm a nasty old woman. But I'd really really liked to have replied, to the room-together question, "Oh no! We're monogamous!

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Mental Magpie

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Re: You're not sharing your room with him?!
« Reply #12 on: May 29, 2011, 06:46:25 PM »
OK, I'm a nasty old woman. But I'd really really liked to have replied, to the room-together question, "Oh no! We're monogamous!


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