News: IT'S THE 2ND ANNUAL GUATEMALA LIBRARY PROJECT BOOK DRIVE!    LOOKING FOR DONATIONS OF SCIENCE BOOKS THIS YEAR.    Check it out in the "Extending the Hand of Kindness" folder or here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=139832.msg3372084#msg3372084   

  • November 18, 2017, 09:22:20 PM

Login with username, password and session length

Author Topic: You want me to give you a ride *every day*? Hopefully final Update p 46  (Read 147719 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Ms_Shell

  • Member
  • Posts: 3789
Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*????
« Reply #30 on: April 12, 2011, 11:49:09 AM »
So this woman walks in on you while you're taking a shower.  What does she do while you're trying to get out of the shower?  I agree that there's no need to keep doing a favor for her at all.  You tried, she took advantage of you, she doesn't get the favor anymore.   
"I've never been a millionaire, but I just know I'd be darling at it." - Dorothy Parker

O'Dell

  • Member
  • Posts: 4384
Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*????
« Reply #31 on: April 12, 2011, 11:52:27 AM »

Let's see - she shows up 40 minutes early, in spite of being told not to, she shows up every day when you only agreed to give rides on rainy days, she lets her son destroy your belongings and demands that you give up your own child's booster seat to her son. Plus the kid is actively annoying and high maintenance.

Tell her point blank that you giving Damien a ride just isn't working - it's too disruptive to your morning routine and makes it difficult to get your own kids to school on time, and that she'll need to make other arrangements.

You agreed to do something nice for her. She's taken shameless advantage of you as a result, and shown that she has zero intention of following instructions. I'd say she forfeited her chance at getting a rainy day ride at all.


Ditto!
Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.
Walt Whitman

Emmy

  • Member
  • Posts: 3765
Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*????
« Reply #32 on: April 12, 2011, 12:14:53 PM »
Ugh, this woman is a parasite.  I really can't stand people who take advantage of the generosity of other people.  I think you need to think about the situation and get really angry.  You did something nice for this woman and her son and she repays you by expecting the favor everyday, barging in on you and your family and disrupting your morning routine, not respecting your boundaries, allowing her son to bother your son, man handle his possessions, invade his privacy, and take his his seat.  You should be angry enough that you won't sympathize with this woman's situation.  I am non-confrontational and I know that it is not easy to confront and end a situation like this, but you will eventually be glad you did it.

While I do think it is nice to want to give Damien rides on rainy days, I agree that by keeping this arrangement, it allows Carla to stay in your life and constantly push for more (and like others said she will surely push for more).  It would be better and less stressful for you to just give them the direct cut and not have to worry about seeing them or having them constantly try to push the boundaries.  I say this because you tried to set boundaries for Carla and she did not respect them.  Dealing with somebody like that on a regular basis is exhausting.

 

hobish

  • Member
  • Posts: 17892
  • Release the gelfling!
Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*????
« Reply #33 on: April 12, 2011, 12:24:50 PM »
I realize that for some people it seems to difficult to lay down the law, but I promise it only hurts for a second and the rewards far outweigh that momentary discomfort.  

Please stand up for yourself and your children here.  You owe this person and her son nothing and you are doing them a very kind favor.  Either they can the accept the terms of the favor (only rainy days, show up no earlier than 8:40, sit where you're told to sit, etc.) graciously by displaying gratitude, or they can walk their butts in the rain and every other type of weather.  

We teach people how to treat us.  Right now, you're teaching these people that their wants and needs are more important than yours.  You are free to change the lesson plan whenever you want.

I love the bolded. It is so true and applicable to so many situations!
It's alright, man. I'm only bleeding, man. Stay hungry, stay free, and do the best you can.
~Gaslight Anthem

JoyinVirginia

  • Member
  • Posts: 6469
Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*????
« Reply #34 on: April 12, 2011, 12:46:27 PM »
I realize that for some people it seems to difficult to lay down the law, but I promise it only hurts for a second and the rewards far outweigh that momentary discomfort. 
Please stand up for yourself and your children here.  You owe this person and her son nothing and you are doing them a very kind favor.  Either they can the accept the terms of the favor (only rainy days, show up no earlier than 8:40, sit where you're told to sit, etc.) graciously by displaying gratitude, or they can walk their butts in the rain and every other type of weather.  We teach people how to treat us.  Right now, you're teaching these people that their wants and needs are more important than yours.  You are free to change the lesson plan whenever you want.
Also, the most important thing: You are teaching YOUR CHILDREN that Carla and Damien are more important to you than THEY are.
I suggest you tell her ASAP, clearly, directly.

Calypso

  • Member
  • Posts: 2967
Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*????
« Reply #35 on: April 12, 2011, 12:50:35 PM »
POD what everyone has said...also, by handling this with strength and grace, you'll be modeling something for Carla that she desperately needs (whether she knows this or not). Her undisciplined ways are creating what will be a miserable child with a miserable life. That's not your problem, but by not letting her take advantage of you, she may get it through her head that she doesn't have to be a slave to him.

I wish you the best of luck and await updates with great anticipation!

jaxsue

  • Member
  • Posts: 10343
Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*????
« Reply #36 on: April 12, 2011, 12:52:02 PM »
Also, the most important thing: You are teaching YOUR CHILDREN that Carla and Damien are more important to you than THEY are.
I suggest you tell her ASAP, clearly, directly.


Omigosh, you are so right! OP, think of your relationship with your kids. What messages do you want them to receive?

This was my life as a kid. Since my dad was a preacher, mom had to go OTT to appease church members some of whom were, TBH, parasitic, demanding, etc. Our needs (sibs and I) counted last. This has been a real source of anger for me, even all these years later, to the point where I will have absolutely nothing to do with organized religion.

(Caveat: not judging others' religious choices; this was my decision alone)

Poppea

  • Member
  • Posts: 2287
Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*????
« Reply #37 on: April 12, 2011, 12:56:45 PM »
My mother was completely spineless.  She let a neighbor (that she didn't even like) talk her into transporting her 4 kids back from Sunday School with our family.  We were never able to go out to brunch after church ever again.  She resented it and my brothers and I knew exactly what was going on.  We HATED those kids and thought less of my mother for not standing up for us.

Ms_Shell

  • Member
  • Posts: 3789
Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*????
« Reply #38 on: April 12, 2011, 12:56:49 PM »
Wow, that is a good point, JoyinVirginia!

OP, from your son's viewpoint, it must feel like Carla and Damien get to waltz into his house and just take his booster seat for no good reason. (Actually, he'd be right!)    

Think of it this way, OP - being assertive is like pulling off a band-aid.  Just doing it stings horribly, but it's over with in a few minutes.  Trying to do it slowly hurts a lot more and for a much longer period of time.  

edited for clarity
"I've never been a millionaire, but I just know I'd be darling at it." - Dorothy Parker

strawbabies

  • Member
  • Posts: 1889
Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*????
« Reply #39 on: April 12, 2011, 01:46:10 PM »
My mother was completely spineless.  She let a neighbor (that she didn't even like) talk her into transporting her 4 kids back from Sunday School with our family.  We were never able to go out to brunch after church ever again.  She resented it and my brothers and I knew exactly what was going on.  We HATED those kids and thought less of my mother for not standing up for us.
We had a similar situation when I was in school.  My mom used to drive us.  One day, the wife of some guy my dad worked with came over to us as we were leaving, and asked my mom to drive her daughter because she missed the bus.  Ok, one time, no big deal.  But she showed up the next day, and the next. Neither of my parents had any sort of a spine.

The school was on a military base, and we lived outside of it.  If I wanted to stop at the BX (base exchange--military store) for notebook paper or pencils, etc., we couldn't do it right after school because we had to take Shawna home.  Then my mother wouldn't feel like driving back to the base so I could get what I needed.  I tried talking to my parents, and telling them I didn't want her around, and the transportation situation was a pain in my butt.  They ignored me.  I finally got to the point where I told her myself she needed to find a different way to get to school, because I hated her.

greenleafmountain

  • Member
  • Posts: 766
Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*????
« Reply #40 on: April 12, 2011, 01:54:07 PM »
Suggestion: Stop having Carla bring Damien over in the mornings altogether.  Tell her if it rains, you will pick him up at his house at 8:45 (or whenever).  If it's sunny then he walks.  If the weather is iffy, you two can coordinate via text message.  Take the decision out of her hands.  You could say something like "Carla, it's just been so hectic in the mornings lately, and I really need to have the entire morning to get ready for work.  Instead of you bringing Damien over, I'll come pick him up whenever it rains, it will be easier for everyone."

If she no longer has any reason to come over in the mornings at all, then she can't try to get you to take him every day.  Plus, if you put your kids in the car first, you son gets the car seat, and Damien gets what's left.  If he complains, say "Oh Damien, DS is already in that seat and we're going to be late, just hop into the middle seat" or something.

Even if you have to drive out of the way to do this, I think it's the only way you'll be able to regain control of the situation without cutting off the rides altogether.

Twik

  • Member
  • Posts: 28864
Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*????
« Reply #41 on: April 12, 2011, 01:59:27 PM »
I agree with the "cut them off now" camp. Even telling Carla you'll do it sometimes is letting her into your life.

I get the impression from the initial post that you feel, sometimes, that you *have* to do something, because it's demanded of you (such as letting Damien have the booster seat, and then your son having to buckle him in). In these situations in my own life, I try to remember Robin Williams' response when he was told by an interviewer he "had" to feel a certain way about one of his roles - "I don't *have* to do anything! Lincoln FREED the slaves!"

You don't have to do what Carla tells you to. She has no rights to you.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

Ceiling Fan

  • Member
  • Posts: 2041
Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*????
« Reply #42 on: April 12, 2011, 02:09:24 PM »
Wow, that is a good point, JoyinVirginia!

OP, from your son's viewpoint, it must feel like Carla and Damien get to waltz into his house and just take his booster seat for no good reason. (Actually, he'd be right!)    

Think of it this way, OP - being assertive is like pulling off a band-aid.  Just doing it stings horribly, but it's over with in a few minutes.  Trying to do it slowly hurts a lot more and for a much longer period of time.  

edited for clarity

I agree. This may not come easily for the OP, but parents are all the time put in the position of doing the hard thing for the sake of their children. This is just one more thing. Op needs to find her backbone to teach her children that they are as worthy of consideration as the next person, and that their needs and desires matter.

It's important that you stand up now, OP, for the sake of your children. (this doesn't mean you are teaching them to be rude special snowflakes, only that they don't have to be a doormat to anyone who comes along and says 'I want what you have').

Doll Fiend

  • Member
  • Posts: 697
  • The Dolls are in the Garden and in my Head.
Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*????
« Reply #43 on: April 12, 2011, 02:22:52 PM »
I am just going to say POD to all other posters who say STOP giving rides. . . period!

PinkWildRose

  • Member
  • Posts: 1151
Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*????
« Reply #44 on: April 12, 2011, 02:27:01 PM »
Give Carla the phone number to a local cab company.  You are not responsible for her problems.  I can understand why you want to show kindness, but she's not grateful, she's trampling all over you, and her demon-spawn son is negatively affecting YOUR children's lives.

My parents, too, were spineless and over-accommodating to the parasites in their lives, and it's left me with a bad taste in my mouth.  And it felt, to me, that we children suffered more than our parents did, having to watch our toys get destroyed by bratty kids, having to provide free babysitting because the parents were 'friends', having to sleep on the floor when people got too drunk to go home, and were therefore given our beds.  It's left a lot of bitterness.


Sorry, this topic is locked. Only admins and moderators can reply.