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Author Topic: You want me to give you a ride *every day*? Hopefully final Update p 46  (Read 148080 times)

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flo

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Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*? Stupid update p4
« Reply #60 on: April 13, 2011, 01:59:50 AM »
And expect her to show up the day after you tell her you aren't going to play taxi anymore.  And the day after that.

Ishe

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Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*? Stupid update p4
« Reply #61 on: April 13, 2011, 05:31:17 AM »
Here's another perspective as the daughter of a mooch. My Mother did not have a car or knew how to drive during most of my childhood. We lived in the suburbs where cars are practically a necessity. We would walk, take long bus rides, or, most often, she'd ask friends to drive her places with me and my siblings. My parents had the money for a car, there was really nothing stopping her from learning except herself. Anyway, one day a friend of hers not known for her tact told her to learn to drive rather bluntly. And that worked. She learned and got her own car fairly quickly. Perhaps if you look at it as being a way to actually help her, it might be easier to tell her what she needs to hear. Her own behavior has caused this and she needs to be the one to take charge of it. Chances are, she will be mad at you and that's really ok. She may not even change at all and will find someone else to give her son rides. It's on her to do that, not you.

weeblewobble

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Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*????
« Reply #62 on: April 13, 2011, 06:04:59 AM »
Yes, you're teaching your kids to let others take advantage.  My mother was a doormat and I saw her:   lend money to people who never paid it back, give bags of food to the neighbors who came back the next day for more, allowed our only TV to be loaned out by the repair shop for 3 months, get ripped off by every repair person imaginable.  By the time I was grown, she was depressed and worn out.  I ended up fighting for her like a momma tiger more than once, (car salesmen, bad kitchen remodel, thieving donation center who came into her home) but I resented the fact that she would get herself into these messes.

Don't want to derail, but this struck me as interesting: How did the repair shop loan out your TV?  Did the owner know your mom?  And are you saying that a Goodwill-type organization knocked on her door and came into the house to rifle through her stuff? 

weeblewobble

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Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*? Stupid update p4
« Reply #63 on: April 13, 2011, 06:17:12 AM »
Don't feel bad for chickening out.  Rome wasn't built in a day. As a fellow "people-pleaser," I know how hard it is to be confrontational.  But look at it this way, which is more important to you, your kids' needs/wants/comfort/property or your need to avoid confrontation? Because eventually, your kids are going to notice this behavior pattern.  And like some of the posters on this thread, they may believe that your need to be liked or need not to make a fuss, are more important than standing up for them.  You sound like a really good mom and I am sure this is not the case.  So when you are gearing up to talk to Carla, keep telling yourself, "My kids come first.  My kids come first.  I have the right to shower alone.  My kids come first."

Otterpop

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Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*????
« Reply #64 on: April 13, 2011, 07:40:40 AM »
Don't want to derail, but this struck me as interesting: How did the repair shop loan out your TV?  Did the owner know your mom?  And are you saying that a Goodwill-type organization knocked on her door and came into the house to rifle through her stuff?  

My mom sent the TV in for repair and it "disappeared."  I (being 9 or so) told her to call the police but she wouldn't.  She went back every week for a month and they kept promising to find it.  After that month they gave us a tiny black and white to use.  She never protested.  After the 3rd month she received a call from the repair shop that our TV was ready and found a rental agreement attached to the back.  Her only response was to become exasperated, pay and leave (with TV).

As for the donation center, she had some large items and let them in to remove them.  Three large guys swarmed the house.  My father's casket flag (U.S. Army), several valuable Disney books and jewelry came up missing.  I did not live at home at the time and did not find out until 2 weeks later.  My mother didn't do anything about it except complain to me.  When I called the head of the "charity" he claimed no knowledge of such items.

There are many more stories like this.  I became overly alert and protective as a result.  My blood pressure is rising just thinking about it.

OP I feel for you, and understand your personality type.  But for you and your kid's sake, be FIRM with your neighbor.  There are people who will drain you and steal from your family (time, resources) if you are not.  You will also become a "magnet" for more of this.  Do not let her in your house at all.

TootsNYC

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Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*? Stupid update p4
« Reply #65 on: April 13, 2011, 07:51:31 AM »
Don't "have a chat."

There is no "chat."

There is simply a short statement, and NO follow-up discussion.
(if you end up getting sucked into one, then absolutely do the cut-and-paste thing: "I can't give you rides anymore, it's too hard on my family."  "I can't give you rides anymore, it's too hard on my family."  No matter what she says, or asks, or argues, 'I can't give you rides anymore, it's too hard on my family."

But best is to make this a statement, and do it at a time when there ISN'T any extra time.

Do NOT "have her over"--ye GODS, this is NOT a social relationship, this is not a friend. Don't give her any darned coffee!

You do not need to placate her, and you do not need her "permission" or her "agreement." She is NOT doing you ANY dingdangity favors by being not getting rides from you.

First--lock your front door. Tomorrow morning, and Friday morning. And ever after.

Then, on Friday morning, right before you would normally part ways with her, say, "I won't be able to give you guys rides anymore--it's just too hard on my kids. Not even if it's raining. Sorry." and LEAVE her. (drive off?)

(Prime your kids that you are going to have this conversation right as you're all bustling around, and that you want them to NOT interrupt you, etc., so you don't loose the chance in them bothering you, etc. "I need you to be extra quiet and extra independent!")

Then keep your door locked and don't answer it in the mornings. (or, Monday morning, leave a small note on the door:  If somebody's bleeding, she can call 911.

Aquamarine

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Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*????
« Reply #66 on: April 13, 2011, 07:52:59 AM »
I will have her over for a cup of coffee and gently explain that it is.just.not.working. I am going to say that is no longer possible for me to give her a lift every day
Gently is not going to get thru to Carla. BLUNT is the way to go. Like other posters recommend, have your phrase ready, practice in the mirror, and keep repeating it if she raises any objections.
Don't forget to lock your doors!

POD!  Blunt and to the point because I do not believe this woman *does* subtle or gentle.  Remind her that if she tries to take advantage again that you will no longer give any rides at all, rainy days of not.

Really she is trying to make her problems into your problems and that's not OK.  It's her child, she made the choice to have one and it is 100% her responsibility to pick him up from school.  If he has to walk home in the rain she should buy him a good raincoat, may children have walked home in the rain for years and it didn't hurt them.
Always be polite, even to nasty people. Not because they are nice, but because you are.

Orisha

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Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*? Stupid update p4
« Reply #67 on: April 13, 2011, 07:56:19 AM »
Stranger, I'd definitely follow the advice to have the conversation somewhere other than your home.   It's going to make it harder for you to hold your resolve when she inevitably becomes a guilt-tripping bully.  if you aren't willing to cut the rides off completely, I'd also highly recommend that you tell Carla that she needs to get Damien his own car seat if she wants him strapped into one as your son will be using his.  Her choices are A.) Buy him is own B.) Sit where he's told or C.) Find other arrangements.  The fact that DS doesn't legally need to be strapped into one isn't relevant, IMHO.  He's small enough to fit into one and obviously feels much more comfortable in it, plus that's your prerogative as a parent.  

VorFemme

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Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*? Stupid update p4
« Reply #68 on: April 13, 2011, 08:04:19 AM »
Showing this lady a clue by four will not work.........

Smacking her upside the head lightly with a clue by eight will *probably* work - I agree that locking your doors from now on will HELP get the message across that she can't wander into your house and see how your shower is going (squicks me out and I'm married so VorGuy does wander into the bathroom at least some of the time while I'm in the shower - but SHE doesn't live in your house and should not be in the bathroom while you're in the shower).

Tell her that you are no longer going to be giving them rides to school and she needs to make other arrangements NOW.

I had to do something similar some twenty years ago -  I was baby-sitting for my brother's wife and she kept putting off making other day care arrangements even though I told her at the beginning of summer that I wouldn't be able to do it after school started (she worked night shift - and my sleep schedule needed to go back to "normal" quickly after school started so I could get MY child and spouse up, fed, & off to work & school).  I reminded her a month before school started and again two weeks and again a week before school.

She was shocked, shocked, I tell you when I told her that I wouldn't be able to watch the kids on Monday (three year old and infant) because school had started that day (Friday) and I just wouldn't be able to watch the kids on Monday.

Watch Carla be shocked that she and Damien are going to have to make other arrangements for him to get to school - because she has no idea that she's trampled over the boundaries (walks through your bedroom and into the bathroom while you are taking a shower?  Heck fire - that's the social equivalent of breaking into prison and trying to claim that you didn't NOTICE the cleared ground, fences, and walls around the place).

« Last Edit: April 13, 2011, 08:08:13 AM by VorFemme »
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I explain?

jaxsue

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Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*? Stupid update p4
« Reply #69 on: April 13, 2011, 08:04:51 AM »
OP, I know it isn't easy to stand up to users like this. I tend to be the same way (my mom's example - be a doormat!) and am slowly changing.

I agree with PPs - don't do it gently, don't have her in your home, don't give her coffee. Be blunt. And, I'd also stop giving them rides even when it rains. Do you really think that jr. will stop being intentionally slow? That he won't demand the booster seat when you pick them up? He's learning to be a user, just like his mom.

This is a mantra that works for me: life's too short to deal with toxic people.

I am curious - does she drive and she chooses to not have a car? Or is she unable to drive due to a medical issue? If one lives in a suburb, having a car is very necessary. In a city center with mass transit, not having a car is quite normal.

nalapuppy

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Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*? Stupid update p4
« Reply #70 on: April 13, 2011, 08:16:54 AM »
(((hugs))) and good luck!  You can do this! :)

ShadesOfGrey

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Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*? Stupid update p4
« Reply #71 on: April 13, 2011, 08:17:50 AM »
POD to Toots and everyone else - you do *not* owe this woman anything.  Do not have her over - you have to think of extraction techniques in advance, and if you're bad at that, you need to set it up so that the situation extracts you easily.  Good luck!
Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with shades of deeper meaning. - Maya Angelou

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. - Maya Angelou

Ms_Shell

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Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*? Stupid update p4
« Reply #72 on: April 13, 2011, 08:32:01 AM »
OP, imagine all of us in the room behind you, cheering you on.  You know that we all back you up 100%!   
"I've never been a millionaire, but I just know I'd be darling at it." - Dorothy Parker

saki

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Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*? Stupid update p4
« Reply #73 on: April 13, 2011, 08:55:46 AM »
You're less than 1 km from the school?  That's about half a mile.  I.e 10 mins walk.  Call it 15 with a kid.  That's really not a distance anyone needs to drive/be driven.  I really would not allow any kind of rain exception - she can get an umbrella or a waterproof jacket, it's really nothing like far enough to be a hardship.

In fact, one option for you might be to start walking in yourselves rather than driving, thus removing the whole issue.  (Edited to add - just reread your original post and you mention going straight to work afterwards so that may not be an option for you.)  Do NOT feel guilty about getting them to walk though.  I used to walk 25 mins to my primary school with my mother, then I used to cycle three miles (in the rain, in the snow, whatever) in when I was in secondary school.) 
« Last Edit: April 13, 2011, 08:58:37 AM by saki »

Julia S

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Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*? Stupid update p4
« Reply #74 on: April 13, 2011, 09:02:51 AM »
I used to walk 25 mins to my primary school with my mother, then I used to cycle three miles (in the rain, in the snow, whatever) in when I was in secondary school.) 

Me too! Uphill both ways!!1!

Sorry, I've been wanting to say that since I started reading the thread. :P


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