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Author Topic: You want me to give you a ride *every day*? Hopefully final Update p 46  (Read 147868 times)

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Piratelvr1121

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Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*? Stupid update p4
« Reply #75 on: April 13, 2011, 09:24:08 AM »
I've been wondering that too. She lives that close to the school and wants rides rain or shine?  ??? Are there any health reasons for why she can't walk that distance?

We live maybe about 5-10 minutes of walking from the boy's elementary school so there are no buses.   A neighbor once whined to me "But I don't want preshus walking that faaaar to school! In our old town there were buses for kids who lived this far from the school!" I was very tempted to say "Well then go back there." but I didn't.

One rainy day I was going to drive the boys to school, but since the back seat of the van was folded down cause we had camping gear back there, I told her I couldn't drive her.  Then her grandmother (mother had already left for work) came down and gave me a hard time for not driving the child.  Who btw is under 12 and in our state any child under 12 cannot ride shotgun, so we didn't have room for her since the boys were taking up the two seats that were safe for children to sit in.  So I told her it would not be possible for me to safely drive the boys and her granddaughter to school, which was true.

Then she said "Well, it's not like it's raining all that hard!" Um, yeah, it was.  We even had to take a different route to the school because the route we usually take was blocked off because there was flooding in the street under the railroad bridge.

Mind you the grandmother had her own vehicle, was capable of driving her grandchild to school, she just didn't want to.  It was a common thing with this girl's parents and grandparents.  Shove her onto someone else so we don't have to deal with her, then when we're expected to be parents or grandparents, we'll whine about people inconveniencing us.  ::)

The child now lives with an aunt about half hour away and I don't miss her or dealing with her family.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

Sharnita

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Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*? Stupid update p4
« Reply #76 on: April 13, 2011, 09:38:31 AM »
I have mentioned before that there are neighborhoods where it simply isn't safe to walk to school (from school is probably the more dangeros time).  There are other neighborhoods where even though the school is close there are no sidewalks so the kids would have to walk in/beside the street which isn't a great idea in bad weather.  I have no idea if any of these issues are a problem in OP's neighborhood but please don't assume proximity is the only factor that needs to be considered in determining whether it is a good idea for a child to walk to school.

still in va

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Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*? Stupid update p4
« Reply #77 on: April 13, 2011, 09:45:05 AM »
I have mentioned before that there are neighborhoods where it simply isn't safe to walk to school (from school is probably the more dangeros time).  There are other neighborhoods where even though the school is close there are no sidewalks so the kids would have to walk in/beside the street which isn't a great idea in bad weather.  I have no idea if any of these issues are a problem in OP's neighborhood but please don't assume proximity is the only factor that needs to be considered in determining whether it is a good idea for a child to walk to school.

yes, these can all be valid concerns.  but considering that Carla has been walking her son to and from school for the past two years without a problem, and the driving request was initially for the OP to drive Damien to school only on rainy days, according to the original post, i'm having a hard time thinking that those concerns apply in this situation.

Sharnita

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Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*? Stupid update p4
« Reply #78 on: April 13, 2011, 09:57:24 AM »
I have mentioned before that there are neighborhoods where it simply isn't safe to walk to school (from school is probably the more dangeros time).  There are other neighborhoods where even though the school is close there are no sidewalks so the kids would have to walk in/beside the street which isn't a great idea in bad weather.  I have no idea if any of these issues are a problem in OP's neighborhood but please don't assume proximity is the only factor that needs to be considered in determining whether it is a good idea for a child to walk to school.

yes, these can all be valid concerns.  but considering that Carla has been walking her son to and from school for the past two years without a problem, and the driving request was initially for the OP to drive Damien to school only on rainy days, according to the original post, i'm having a hard time thinking that those concerns apply in this situation.

I didn't say they did.  However there seems to be a whiff of disdain for anyone who doesn't walk x distnce to school instead of driving.  I find that I bit troubling.

artk2002

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Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*? Stupid update p4
« Reply #79 on: April 13, 2011, 10:00:54 AM »
I agree that doing this gently and over coffee is going to backfire on you.  You need a way to cut the conversation off quickly.  What's going to happen now is that you will say "this can't continue" and she's going to want to negotiate.  She'll ask "why?" and will suggest alternatives.  You don't want to get in that mode, especially since you're just working on growing a new spine.  "Gentle" and "coffee" work with reasonable people, but I can guarantee, without ever having met her, that Carla won't act like a reasonable person.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

still in va

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Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*? Stupid update p4
« Reply #80 on: April 13, 2011, 10:04:46 AM »
I have mentioned before that there are neighborhoods where it simply isn't safe to walk to school (from school is probably the more dangeros time).  There are other neighborhoods where even though the school is close there are no sidewalks so the kids would have to walk in/beside the street which isn't a great idea in bad weather.  I have no idea if any of these issues are a problem in OP's neighborhood but please don't assume proximity is the only factor that needs to be considered in determining whether it is a good idea for a child to walk to school.

yes, these can all be valid concerns.  but considering that Carla has been walking her son to and from school for the past two years without a problem, and the driving request was initially for the OP to drive Damien to school only on rainy days, according to the original post, i'm having a hard time thinking that those concerns apply in this situation.

I didn't say they did.  However there seems to be a whiff of disdain for anyone who doesn't walk x distnce to school instead of driving.  I find that I bit troubling.

well i can definitely agree about thinking that "the school is so close, of course they can walk" could be taken that way.  the majority of the neighborhood children walk to our local elementary school, but there are certainly plenty of moms who drive their children.  completely the choice of the parents.

my main point in my reply to you was that Carla had been walking quite easily for two years.  now she wants to be driven each day. 

Wry Exchange

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Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*? Stupid update p4
« Reply #81 on: April 13, 2011, 10:13:20 AM »
OP, imagine all of us in the room behind you, cheering you on.  You know that we all back you up 100%!   

Threads like this one make me wish there was an EHell Spine Squad where one of us could go to the poster's house and help with difficult people.

Danismom

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Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*? Stupid update p4
« Reply #82 on: April 13, 2011, 10:46:18 AM »
I love the "Spine Squad".  OP, if you have a friend that can join you for this little "chat" tomorrow that can help you stay strong, I suggest you invite them to join you.  Sometimes just having another person there that doesn't have to really say anything but is just there, helps.  If the other person knows the agenda of the conversation then they can be an encouragement to you.

Poirot

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Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*? Stupid update p4
« Reply #83 on: April 13, 2011, 10:55:56 AM »
I would be happy to volunteer for the "Spine Squad" for the Philadelphia/Delaware County area.

I am imagining us as superheroes with a big SS on our chests. With capes and eveything! Irony FTW!

errrrrr..........sorry about that. I got a little carried away.  :-[
A spoon! A spoon! My kingdom for a case of #%^***** spoons!

Nannerdoman

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Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*? Stupid update p4
« Reply #84 on: April 13, 2011, 11:23:55 AM »
OP, I recommend that you get yourself a copy of the book When I Say No, I Feel Guilty.  A classic in assertiveness training.
I'm the grammarian against whom your mother warned you.

strawbabies

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Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*? Stupid update p4
« Reply #85 on: April 13, 2011, 12:13:05 PM »
Here's another perspective as the daughter of a mooch. My Mother did not have a car or knew how to drive during most of my childhood. We lived in the suburbs where cars are practically a necessity. We would walk, take long bus rides, or, most often, she'd ask friends to drive her places with me and my siblings. My parents had the money for a car, there was really nothing stopping her from learning except herself.
I can't stand people that are like this.  Not being able to afford a car is one thing.  Refusing to learn to drive because you're too scared or think others should be more than happy to schlep you and your kids everywhere is another.  As a kid, I had to be taken to the ER a bunch of times for serious but not immediately life threatening (not worth calling an ambulance) type things.  I couldn't imagine having to wait for a taxi to arrive while I needed to get treatment for bronchitis.

My mother let several people take advantage of her because she drove and they didn't during her lifetime, who expected her to take them wherever, whenever they needed.  It irks me.

Animala

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Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*? Stupid update p4
« Reply #86 on: April 13, 2011, 12:17:46 PM »
How did your conversation go?

Sara Crewe

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Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*? Stupid update p4
« Reply #87 on: April 13, 2011, 12:22:29 PM »
If there had been a genuine misunderstanding, a gentle conversation over coffee would be the way to go.

That is not the case here.  Carla is deliberately taking advantage of you.  If you have her over for coffee, I can guarantee that 3 hours later, you will still be trying to get her out of your house.

I agree with the PP who says you should meet her on the doorstep.  You then give her your pre-prepared speech, step back and shut (and lock!) the door.  You then keep the door locked in the mornings thereafter.

If it helps, think of the fact that Carla is stealing from you as surely as if she were going through your purse.  She is stealing your time, stealing your energy and stealing your good relationship with your children.  Is she worth this?  I don't think so.  If you do have a stubborn friend who can be with you when you tell her, that's great.  If not, I'm sure if you post right before she arrives, and remember you can post as soon as she is gone, people on ehell would be glad to reassure you that you are doing the right thing.


Carnation

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Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*? Stupid update p4
« Reply #88 on: April 13, 2011, 12:26:53 PM »
I would be happy to volunteer for the "Spine Squad" for the Philadelphia/Delaware County area.

I am imagining us as superheroes with a big SS on our chests. With capes and eveything! Irony FTW!

errrrrr..........sorry about that. I got a little carried away.  :-[

I am imagining us like that guy's "people" in the telephone company ads.    :-*

(I'd like a cape though)

Deetee

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Re: You want me to give you a ride *every day*? Stupid update p4
« Reply #89 on: April 13, 2011, 12:35:40 PM »
I want to chime in here and say that I think it's great that you have decided that you won't put up with this anymore. People have given you other suggestions on how to approach this, but please remember they are just suggestions. You are the one doing this and you can decide how you want to deal with it.

One thing I find helps me in difficult decisions is recognising that there is no perfect option. In this case, you would like Carla and her son to just stop being annoying, but still be friendly and there be no effort on your part. (That's what I would want).

But you have two options that are

1) Be taken advantage of : You will be unhappy. Your kids will be unhappy. Carly and Damien will be happy
2) Say no: You will be happy. Your kids will be happy. Carly and Damien will be unhappy and they will get over it. You may also be a bit unhappy because you will feel awkward and mean (you aren't mean, but you may feel that way) But would you rather have that or Damien with you for over an hour every.single.school.day?

Good Luck and we all wish you the best.






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