Author Topic: Grandma gave grandson his first haircut wo asking - updates 102 120 131 214  (Read 32529 times)

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QueenofAllThings

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Re: Grandma gave grandson his first haircut without asking the parents
« Reply #15 on: April 15, 2011, 07:02:55 AM »
I've had friends that this happened to - the haircut and the blessing. It is NOT OK. We've had the same sort of issues with my in-laws (not quite as egregious, but same idea). My boys (teens and adults) have all 'learned' to keep their personal interactions with their grandparents 'secret' - they've been taught (not conciously) that mom & Dad may not approve, so let's just keep it between us, OK? This is partially our fault,  partially the in-laws fault, and puts the kids in a tough spot.

I have argued with hubby over this - he has wanted, over the years, to cut ties - that the kids' grandparents love them, and it doesn't hurt a child to have another set of adults that love them unconditionally. SO, while it is very difficult for us and causes some battles, we never did cut ties. Obviously, your childrens' safety comes first - but you need to decide for yourself what is best for you and your kids.

Cattitude

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Re: Grandma gave grandson his first haircut without asking the parents
« Reply #16 on: April 15, 2011, 07:42:21 AM »
Wow!  Yes this would be a hill to die on, especially along with all the other things she has done.  I'd never let her have unsupervised time again and she'd be lucky to even see the kids again at all!  People like that just don't ever respect boundaries.  Every time I read one of these types of threads there always seems to be an underlying tone that kids will "miss out" on not having grandparents in their lives.  Well I didn't have grandparents at all and I can tell you that I missed nothing. 

As a pp said, your kids will grow up seeing your Mom treat you poorly and think that is okay.  Not cool.  Give up the nights away and plan dates to have some couple time.  There are plenty of good, reliable sitter services now that do background checks and everything.  Better to pay someone and have them listen to your rules than to get free babysitting and have your boundaries stomped on.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Grandma gave grandson his first haircut without asking the parents
« Reply #17 on: April 15, 2011, 07:52:44 AM »
I sympathize on not getting much time alone with your husband if you have no family to watch them.  Dh and I are kinda in the same boat in that respect, as we live an hour away from his parents and don't speak to mine.  

The boys used to spend one night a week with my parents when we lived closer to them, but due to many boundary impositions, the biggest of which they spanked one of my children for soiling his underwear, we told them they would no longer be able to see them without supervision.  They refused to go that way so they haven't seen their grandchildren in about a year and a half.

Among the boundary crossings was my mother calling the boys teachers to find out how they were doing and then she'd tell me they contacted her first because they couldn't reach me (They had our home and cell #'s and emails but we never had any missed calls from the teachers, nor emails at these times) but when I asked the teachers to not tell my mother things, but to tell me first, they'd give me a puzzled look and say "I'm sorry, when she emails us we'll tell her we can't say anything."

Pirateboy 1 told me once, after the cut off, that my mother said to them that she's a better mom than I am.   >:(

So I do understand, but trust me, it's worth your own sanity and the emotional and mental well being of your children too to forfeit nights alone with your DH.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

smidget23

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Re: Grandma gave grandson his first haircut without asking the parents
« Reply #18 on: April 15, 2011, 09:32:31 AM »
I'm not really sure I could give you a list. In my situation, they've never been 100% effective. Instead they turned into me questioning "is this worth fighting them over"? In the end I realized that if I expected to have any respect for myself, everything was worth the discussion no matter how trivial it seemed or heated or one-sided the discussion was. If I didn't, I felt like I was failing my child by not standing up for her. It was hard for me to not revert back to the old feelings of being disrespectful initially and I still have pangs sometimes, but it's definitely a lot better.     
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Kirbi

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Re: Grandma gave grandson his first haircut without asking the parents
« Reply #19 on: April 15, 2011, 10:10:33 AM »
Just to give a bit of a different spin on it, I think (from the story) that your mother comes off like a spoiled child. No boundaries and unable to really empathise with others.

How do children get taught how to behave properly? By being firm with our boundaries, having defined and steadily enforced punishments and by letting them know straight up why what they did was wrong.

I know you want to do that in the future, but I say start with punishing her for this infraction. Cut off her contact with your kids at least for a while. If you think she's capable of learning better, then it can be a temporary measure (a 'suspension'), if she does something so serious again 'expel' her.

Also, where does your dad stand on this? He sounded like a bystander to the haircut - if he realises that there will be real consequences to her behaviour, he may help to keep her in line himself!

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this at all, it's got to be a hard choice to make.  :-\

tnpenguinbaby

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Re: Grandma gave grandson his first haircut without asking the parents
« Reply #20 on: April 15, 2011, 01:24:00 PM »
She doesn't respect your boundaries now and she never will.  Most likely consequences won't faze her either.  They may hurt your Dad, but she will blithely continue to ignore her part in causing them.  I'd hire another babysitter because, frankly, sometimes it's cheaper to pay with money.




Animala

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Re: Grandma gave grandson his first haircut without asking the parents
« Reply #21 on: April 15, 2011, 01:38:23 PM »
I agree with PP.  I you know she has no boundaries and defiantly doesn't respect yours then you either need to accept what she is doing or don't leave them with her.

BettyP

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Re: Grandma gave grandson his first haircut without asking the parents
« Reply #22 on: April 15, 2011, 01:48:09 PM »
Add me to the "Hill to Die on" camp... She had your child baptized without permission and now has taken the First Haircut ritual away from you? This will only lead to more and more problems.

I am so sorry about the hair cut too!

Orisha

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Re: Grandma gave grandson his first haircut without asking the parents
« Reply #23 on: April 15, 2011, 02:26:44 PM »
Add me to the "Hill to Die on" camp... She had your child baptized without permission and now has taken the First Haircut ritual away from you? This will only lead to more and more problems.

I am so sorry about the hair cut too!

Me too.  My MIL refuses to accept boundaries.  On more than one occasion, she's tried to take special occasions away from us.  For instance, at DD's first birthday, she offered to "help."  I asked her to take the paper products out while I got things ready for the cake.  (It was a BBQ, outside.)  She horned in on DD's cake and announced that *she* was going to take it out.  I said, "no, DH or I will take the cake out."  I had to say it 5 or 6 times and admittedly got a bit snappish, but then she basically threw the napkins at me and said "here, you do it."  Because of course her want to be the center of attention outweighed our desire to have special memories with our first and only child.  ::)  MIL is no longer allowed to babysit for a number of reasons, most of which relate to her refusal to accept boundaries. 

So, I am 100% sympathetic to the impact that not allowing a grandmother to babysit will have as far as grown-up time with your DH and on life in general.  If you're really on the fence, I suggest making a "pro" and "con" list if you're really unsure whether or not to nix the babysitting.  At the very least, you do need to tell your mother that the fact that she felt that your DD's hair was in her eyes is irrelevant.  It is entirely yours and DH's prerogative as DD's parents to decide when to cut her hair, not hers.  By cutting DD's hair and entirely without your permission, she has selfishly stolen a special milestone with your child from you.

Oh, and EvilOrisha wants to get out the buzz clippers and shave your mom's head while she's sleeping.  And when she complains, to tell her "her hair was in her eyes."   >:D

amylouky

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Re: Grandma gave grandson his first haircut without asking the parents
« Reply #24 on: April 15, 2011, 03:06:27 PM »
I'm on the "no more unsupervised visits" boat, too.. no way would someone who had my child BAPTIZED or gave them their first haircut without my knowledge be trusted again.
I do understand where this would cause a hardship.. babysitters aren't cheap. Do you maybe have a friend that you could trade kids with, to get some alone time with DH without having to pay a babysitter?

Nurvingiel

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Re: Grandma gave grandson his first haircut without asking the parents
« Reply #25 on: April 15, 2011, 03:41:17 PM »
Waitasec... she had your child baptized without your knowledge?

I agree with PP, no more unsupervised visits! I think at this point you can say that she will never respect your boundaries. This is not your fault, it's just how  she is. Accept how she is and manage it. (The last part is the hard one, how to balance your life etc. but I bet you and your husband will find a solution, one where you are respected as parents.)
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evely28

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Re: Grandma gave grandson his first haircut without asking the parents
« Reply #26 on: April 15, 2011, 04:15:20 PM »
OP, step back and look at the big picture. It's like your mom broke into your house and painted your master bedroom but you don't say anything because you don't think the colors that bad.

List? There's no list, only actions. It sounds like your Mom is in an unhealthy competition. Who's the parent? You are the only one who can decide if the hourly cost vs the emotional cost is worth it.

As someone who has been there, I look back in shame that I didn't see how disruptive to my family it was to pay the emotional price. I realize now I could have gone out and found someone to trust to look after my children that wouldn't undermine my parenting skills and would have actually supported them.

Carnation

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Re: Grandma gave grandson his first haircut without asking the parents
« Reply #27 on: April 15, 2011, 05:01:30 PM »
Unless there's a way to un-pierce ears, don't leave them alone with her.

Allie003

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Re: Grandma gave grandson his first haircut without asking the parents
« Reply #28 on: April 15, 2011, 05:09:38 PM »
My ex-MIL did the same thing. The difference was, it was a really out of character action for her. I am usually really polite and quiet. I was neither that day. It's been twelve years, and she never done anything like it again. I also made it clear that if she EVER did anything like it again, I would restrict access to DD SEVERELY.

QueenofAllThings

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Re: Grandma gave grandson his first haircut without asking the parents
« Reply #29 on: April 15, 2011, 05:20:08 PM »
Just to clarify from the OPs post. Grandma did not have the child baptized, but did have a blessing said over him/her (how I read it, anyway). Still think you need to back away slowly, ands don't turn your back! Love the idea of cutting Grandma's hair while she is sleeping ...  >:D