Grandma gave grandson his first haircut wo asking - updates 102 120 131 214

[Iris]

When I was an infant, my mother was seriously injured and in the hospital.  My grandmother took me and my two sisters home to care for us.  While she had us there, she took my two sisters (3 and 6 years old) to the doctor and had their tonsils removed.  I guess I was too young, I still have my tonsils.

 

[Piratelvr1121]

Oh wow. Just wow.

That's like they wanted the grandchild to be their child. A case of wanting to do it "right" this time around?

I highly suspect this was the case with my parents, from some of the things they said to make themselves look like better parents than DH and I are. They didn't take the boys for any "firsts" but they did have a way of doing things for the boys (Haircuts, buying shoes) knowing that we had planned to do that ourselves and they would always make sure we knew that they spent more on shoes and clothes than they knew we could afford to.

Or for that matter, would.  They bought them each $60 sneakers once...I found it kind of amusing that both boys didn't like the shoes and preferred to wear less expensive ones.  Pirateboy 2 even preferred some secondhand "Pass me down" shoes to the $60 ones. *smirk*

[Mrs.E]

I have to say, I am very impressed with how you handled this. If my MIL had cut my baby's hair for the first time, I would have flipped out. Firsts are very important to me and to most parents. I don't know if I could forgive her. I think you are handling it very well and I agree with your email if you want to keep trying. I don't think anyone would fault you for cutting her off completely. I am waiting for the email reply.

[Danika]

My neck got a workout reading all the replies here because I was always nodding!

Mrs.E, thank you. I could write a book on the completely insane stuff my mother has done, all my life. It's sad that I've been rolling so much of it off my back for most of my life. But the more time my kids spend with my mom, the more I see how bad it is for them. Detrimental. She clearly favors my daughter over my son, simply because she's female. And so my daughter gets way more attention.

My parents are always criticizing me for my parenting skills, and I have to ignore them. Like Piratelvr1121 mentioned. I think my parents want to show that they're superior parents. For example, I had a friend in elementary school who always pretended she was a cat or a unicorn. I was not allowed to pretend such things because they weren't real. When we were 16, my friend got pregnant. Now, when my daughter pretends she's a cat, my mother is convinced that it means she's going to get pregnant at 16, and so I should not allow that make-believe. Yes (sarcasm), let's stifle the creativity!

[Nemesis]

Hi Danika,
I read your post in my thread, and so I joined this one. I have just read through all the posts here and am SHOCKED by how much your mom sounds like mine.

Especially this part:

*snip* Since she treated me horribly during my engagement (she refused to acknowledge I was marrying my husband because she wanted me to marry another wealthier friend of mine), I have put mine slightly above hers, when it comes to my own life. *snip*

Goodness! My mother pulled a 3-day screaming hysteria after she realised I was going to marry my now spouse instead of my wealthy ex-bf. She had harboured hopes that I would reconcile with my wealthy ex (who had influential parents). It was insane! I am lucky I have my dad who basically told her to calm down or lose Nemesis forever. I am not sure what he said to her, but after a long talk, she totally changed.

Your mother needs BOUNDARIES. And she needs everyone on board to hold her down. I always speak to my dad to ensure that he "babysits" her while they visit. I would never NEVER let her babysit or give her unsupervised time with Angel because of her manipulative ways. She's exactly the sort of person who would try to turn my child against me if that meant that she could be "special" to the child.

Sometimes she criticises my parenting skills in a passive-aggressive manner. That earns her a glare of death and a statement of how screwed up my sister and I are. That normally shuts her right up. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to curb my tongue soon since Angel is old enough to understand words

I feel for you, I really do. Maybe the only way is to stop letting them have so much access to your kids.

[Danika]

Hi Danika,
I read your post in my thread, and so I joined this one. I have just read through all the posts here and am SHOCKED by how much your mom sounds like mine.

Especially this part:

*snip* Since she treated me horribly during my engagement (she refused to acknowledge I was marrying my husband because she wanted me to marry another wealthier friend of mine), I have put mine slightly above hers, when it comes to my own life. *snip*

Goodness! My mother pulled a 3-day screaming hysteria after she realised I was going to marry my now spouse instead of my wealthy ex-bf. She had harboured hopes that I would reconcile with my wealthy ex (who had influential parents). It was insane! I am lucky I have my dad who basically told her to calm down or lose Nemesis forever. I am not sure what he said to her, but after a long talk, she totally changed.

Your mother needs BOUNDARIES. And she needs everyone on board to hold her down. I always speak to my dad to ensure that he "babysits" her while they visit. I would never NEVER let her babysit or give her unsupervised time with Angel because of her manipulative ways. She's exactly the sort of person who would try to turn my child against me if that meant that she could be "special" to the child.

Sometimes she criticises my parenting skills in a passive-aggressive manner. That earns her a glare of death and a statement of how screwed up my sister and I are. That normally shuts her right up. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to curb my tongue soon since Angel is old enough to understand words

I feel for you, I really do. Maybe the only way is to stop letting them have so much access to your kids.

Can I tell you how envious I am that your father sees the light? My father has been brainwashed by my mother and stands by all her crazy ideas and rude statements. When I watched the movie Titanic, I could truly identify with the main character, Rose. Her mother wanted her to marry the rich man even though he was controlling and abusive because he was "from a good family." 

[JaiJai]

I haven't had chance to read all the replies (I will, I promise!) and I don't have any real advice, just wanted to say that my MIL is EXACTLY the same. I took an afternoon off work last week to take BabyJai for her first haircut as she was going in MIL's the following day and I KNEW she'd take her for a cut if I didn't get there first. She's done a number of 'firsts' with BabyJai that I wanted to be there for, and I can't get them back. You gradually become more aware as time goes on: BabyJai is now 2 and 1/2 (next to no hair until nearly 2 hence only just having first proper cut!) and I'm now more alert to firsts that MIL might have her eye on and try very hard to get there before her!
Jai
x

[Kess]

I'm actually a little concerned now.  My MIL has always tended to nag and bombard us with information if she thinks we should be doing something (e.g. sat during a visit on her i-phone checking when local garages were going to be open as she felt we ought to get our MOT done earlier than we were planning to), but it didn't occur to me she'd actually take any action without checking with us first.  Then I was telling DH about this thread (he often gets short recaps of what's on Ehell) and he said he could totally see his Mom taking Dinky for a haircut if she thought it was in his eyes!  I told her she better not, and he said he didn't think she'd see it as a big deal, she'd just be helping with something we obviously didn't think was important or didn't have time for or whatever.  I mentioned the baptism-without-parental-permission thing, and he got really mad (he's militantly against organised religion) and we wound up in an argument as he was using, "If your family were to do that..." and, although my family are religious, none of them would dream of taking such an important decision away from the parents of a child.

Now I'm wondering how to get across to MIL that any and all changes to Dinky (appearance, diet, anything) gets run by us first, without being rude since she's not actually done anything (Dinky is still in-utero, so it'd be kinds hard for her to!).

[Piratelvr1121]

Hi Danika,
I read your post in my thread, and so I joined this one. I have just read through all the posts here and am SHOCKED by how much your mom sounds like mine.

Especially this part:

*snip* Since she treated me horribly during my engagement (she refused to acknowledge I was marrying my husband because she wanted me to marry another wealthier friend of mine), I have put mine slightly above hers, when it comes to my own life. *snip*

Goodness! My mother pulled a 3-day screaming hysteria after she realised I was going to marry my now spouse instead of my wealthy ex-bf. She had harboured hopes that I would reconcile with my wealthy ex (who had influential parents). It was insane! I am lucky I have my dad who basically told her to calm down or lose Nemesis forever. I am not sure what he said to her, but after a long talk, she totally changed.

Your mother needs BOUNDARIES. And she needs everyone on board to hold her down. I always speak to my dad to ensure that he "babysits" her while they visit. I would never NEVER let her babysit or give her unsupervised time with Angel because of her manipulative ways. She's exactly the sort of person who would try to turn my child against me if that meant that she could be "special" to the child.

Sometimes she criticises my parenting skills in a passive-aggressive manner. That earns her a glare of death and a statement of how screwed up my sister and I are. That normally shuts her right up. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to curb my tongue soon since Angel is old enough to understand words

I feel for you, I really do. Maybe the only way is to stop letting them have so much access to your kids.

Can I tell you how envious I am that your father sees the light? My father has been brainwashed by my mother and stands by all her crazy ideas and rude statements. When I watched the movie Titanic, I could truly identify with the main character, Rose. Her mother wanted her to marry the rich man even though he was controlling and abusive because he was "from a good family." 

My best friend told me her step-grandmother and grandfather were not happy that her mother married her father because he was not as promising a suitor as the man they wanted her to marry.   Who, BTW, was a friend of her mother's, they had no desire to marry each other because he had someone else he would rather be with.   So her mother married her father and then her parents didn't treat her (friend) very well because she looked like her daddy, whom they didn't want their daughter to marry. 

My parents were like that too, or really it was largely my mother.  While they weren't trying to push someone else on me at the time I wanted to marry DH, she didn't approve of him because his parents were, in her eyes, blue-collar working class and not as well off as they are.  Despite the fact that his dad is an engineer and works for a government agency.     Oh and they *gasp* lived in a small house!  Which was their choice cause they didn't see the point in living in a big house when it was just the two of them.

[LadyClaire]

I think in certain family types, boundaries are adhered to so naturally that people don't even really think about them, you know? But just because someone has never had a talk with family members about boundaries, it doesn't mean there aren't any. It just means they've never been a problem. Again, IMO.

This. If you have a family where boundaries are natural and respected, they don't become an issue. I would trust my Mom with anything. She knows and respects what boundaries are, and is always very careful to not come across as interfering. When she makes suggestions, she is so thoughtful with it that the things she suggests are spot-on. She would also never, ever get upset about someone not taking a suggestion, and she'd never do anything against my or my sister's wishes.

My Dad, on the other hand..boundaries are something that never existed to him and he has zero impulse control. He thinks it, he does it, without stopping to consider what others may want or what the fallout would be. If he gets called out on it, he starts yelling and getting defensive and casting you to be the bad guy. My Nene (my Mom's mom) was much the same way. Very interfering and wanted to be in control. Everything was a competition with her when it came to my older sister, who was the first grandchild. Nene wanted my sister to love her more than anyone else, including Mom. She did things behind Mom's back and taught my sister to lie and keep secrets. Then there's my MIL..no boundaries at all. I shudder to think of what she'll be like when we have kids. So every pushing of boundaries, or trampling over them, becomes a big thing even if it's a seemingly small issue. It's like constantly pelting someone with tiny rocks. Sure, it doesn't have the whole instant death by crushing thing that a boulder would, but it stings over and over and eventually you have to say "enough!"

I'd love to have a family where everyone was like my Mom. It'd be a wonderful thing, I think. Now, no child of mine will ever have contact with my Dad, but I can see battles with MIL arising.

[Piratelvr1121]

I have to say, one thing that makes me happy is that my third child will have no contact with my parents if DH and I have any control over it.   We were invited to my cousin's wedding next April, and we plan to attend and there's a good chance the 'rentals will be there but the family is so big that we could feasibly manage to avoid them.

[Lynn2000]

I'm actually a little concerned now.  My MIL has always tended to nag and bombard us with information if she thinks we should be doing something (e.g. sat during a visit on her i-phone checking when local garages were going to be open as she felt we ought to get our MOT done earlier than we were planning to), but it didn't occur to me she'd actually take any action without checking with us first.  Then I was telling DH about this thread (he often gets short recaps of what's on Ehell) and he said he could totally see his Mom taking Dinky for a haircut if she thought it was in his eyes!  I told her she better not, and he said he didn't think she'd see it as a big deal, she'd just be helping with something we obviously didn't think was important or didn't have time for or whatever.  I mentioned the baptism-without-parental-permission thing, and he got really mad (he's militantly against organised religion) and we wound up in an argument as he was using, "If your family were to do that..." and, although my family are religious, none of them would dream of taking such an important decision away from the parents of a child.

Now I'm wondering how to get across to MIL that any and all changes to Dinky (appearance, diet, anything) gets run by us first, without being rude since she's not actually done anything (Dinky is still in-utero, so it'd be kinds hard for her to!).

I think this is a good thing to be aware of (though obviously you want to get on the same page with your DH, hopefully without actually arguing). I'm not sure you could really say anything to her in advance, though (like, "Please don't ever take Dinky to get her hair cut without talking to us")--assuming someone will do something rude when you have no precedent for it is rude in itself. Not to mention the fact that there are about a million things you would have to list!

But you can still set boundaries NOW about other things, and I'm guessing there ARE plenty of things to set boundaries about, given your concerns. For example, you can say things like, "Actually, we're happy with the doctor we have. We don't need you to recommend another one" or "Actually, we're not taking suggestions for baby names or discussing them with anyone" or "Thanks for your concern, but we're taking care of baby-proofing the house, we don't need your assistance." And other non-baby-related things, too, of course--whatever you find you resent her doing. And if you need to set a consequence for further boundary pushing--"I've told you we're taking care of it. Please stop discussing it or I'll hang up"--make sure you actually follow through.

I think boundary-setting is really best done in small increments way in advance, regarding the little things, so that you hopefully never get to the point where someone does something HUGE and you actually have to cut off contact with them. It depends a lot on the persistence and methods of the offender--some people will be content to just one-up you conversationally for the rest of your life but would never actually take action (which you still don't have to put up with), others you wouldn't dare turn your back on. IMO, of course.

ETA: I have a friend who is similar to some of these mothers and MILs--she's just now pregnant with her first child, but I could see her in 25 years being the object of posts here.  As just one example, when her then-boyfriend and his roommate needed to find a new apartment, she did all the investigation, set up the appointments, reminded them about the appointments, and finally drove them to the appointments. Her reasoning was that if she didn't do all these things for them, they'd just wait until the last minute and have to take whatever dump was available. And this was her problem because...? But that's kind of how she is. The reason we're still able to be such good friends is that I know how to set boundaries with her. I don't fight about every little thing, just for the sake of fighting--I honestly don't care which restaurant we have dinner at, for example, so it's fine with me if she chooses. But I'm not going to order the octopus just because she thinks I should. Not happening. That's my boundary and she knows I mean it so she doesn't push. And we get along really well. (No offense intended towards octopi.)

[PinkWildRose]

OP, I'm sorry you have to go through this with your mother.  It must be awful to have your ability as a mother undermined by the one who was supposed to teach you how to be one.

Have you considered bringing this up to her?  "Mother, do you honestly think you did such a poor job of preparing me for adulthood and motherhood that you feel you must take over my decisions now?"

I've used that line with my own mother, not in regards to parenthood, as I do not have children, but simply in regards to making decisions about my life as an adult (which she constantly questions.)  She still questions me, but not nearly as much after I bring that issue up.

[Mrs.E]

My neck got a workout reading all the replies here because I was always nodding!

Mrs.E, thank you. I could write a book on the completely insane stuff my mother has done, all my life. It's sad that I've been rolling so much of it off my back for most of my life. But the more time my kids spend with my mom, the more I see how bad it is for them. Detrimental. She clearly favors my daughter over my son, simply because she's female. And so my daughter gets way more attention.

My parents are always criticizing me for my parenting skills, and I have to ignore them. Like Piratelvr1121 mentioned. I think my parents want to show that they're superior parents. For example, I had a friend in elementary school who always pretended she was a cat or a unicorn. I was not allowed to pretend such things because they weren't real. When we were 16, my friend got pregnant. Now, when my daughter pretends she's a cat, my mother is convinced that it means she's going to get pregnant at 16, and so I should not allow that make-believe. Yes (sarcasm), let's stifle the creativity!

Reading your posts make me thankful for the small issues I have with my MIL.  I am sorry you have to go through this. 

On the second story, you can tell her that I pretended to be a unicorn all the time and I just had my first child at 24, so there! 

[Doll Fiend]

My neck got a workout reading all the replies here because I was always nodding!

Mrs.E, thank you. I could write a book on the completely insane stuff my mother has done, all my life. It's sad that I've been rolling so much of it off my back for most of my life. But the more time my kids spend with my mom, the more I see how bad it is for them. Detrimental. She clearly favors my daughter over my son, simply because she's female. And so my daughter gets way more attention.

My parents are always criticizing me for my parenting skills, and I have to ignore them. Like Piratelvr1121 mentioned. I think my parents want to show that they're superior parents. For example, I had a friend in elementary school who always pretended she was a cat or a unicorn. I was not allowed to pretend such things because they weren't real. When we were 16, my friend got pregnant. Now, when my daughter pretends she's a cat, my mother is convinced that it means she's going to get pregnant at 16, and so I should not allow that make-believe. Yes (sarcasm), let's stifle the creativity!

Reading your posts make me thankful for the small issues I have with my MIL.  I am sorry you have to go through this. 

On the second story, you can tell her that I pretended to be a unicorn all the time and I just had my first child at 24, so there! 

Former unicorn and current mermaid here, 30yo and no kids!