Author Topic: Grandma gave grandson his first haircut wo asking - updates 102 120 131 214  (Read 31915 times)

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Danika

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BG 1
My mother knows no boundaries. She has no respect for the feelings of others. She does what she wants and thinks is best and when she knows other people are hurt by it, she doesn't apologize. Ever. We've had many many issues in the past because of her personality.

BG 2
DH and I have decided that it's ok for our kids to see my parents, despite their long history of bad behavior because 1) the kids's physical safety is not in danger and 2) we think it's better to know your wacky family members than to have your parents keep you from knowing them, and then you always wonder what they were like and if they were really as wacky as you were told.

BG 3
I do trust my parents to make sure that my kids are never physically harmed, abandoned, molested, etc. My parents are thrilled to babysit and do genuinely love our kids.


Our kids spent the night at my parents' last night because DH and I had the opportunity to go to an event that we were looking forward to. Our baby just turned one and DH and I planned to take him for his first haircut, next week. When I was a baby, my mother kept a lock of hair from my first haircut and put it into a baby book. She really prized that lock of hair. DH and I were hoping to do the same thing. Our older child hasn't had/needed a haircut yet.

I went to pick up the kids tonight and noticed that my baby's hair looked like it was weed-whacked. The bangs were chopped off. Knowing my mother's history, I said "Mom, you cut his hair!" And she said "It was long. It was in his eyes." I told her she should have waited until I came to pick him up, and just left him alone. She repeated that it was in his eyes. I told her she could have combed it back. She kept defending herself. Finally, I said "If it was such an emergency, you should have called me and said 'Come quick. Your son needs a haircut right now.'" She continued defending herself. I asked my father if he knew my mother was going to do that, and he said no. I'm sure she waited until he walked out of the room and just grabbed the kitchen scissors.


DH and I are upset about the blatant ignoring of boundaries or respect by my mom. We're not surprised at all, though. We don't pay my parents to babysit, but we're always paying emotionally because of this kind of drama. I plan to tell my mother in person, next time I see her (with my dad next to her as a witness, so she can't lie later and say she wasn't warned) that if she ever cuts or trims either child's hair, or if she takes either to get their ears pierced, then she will never see the children unsupervised by me or my husband again. To those of you who have family members like this, please, help me. Knowing she has no respect for boundaries, what other completely unreasonable things should I be adding to that list? I know she won't let them get tattoos (even as teenagers). What other crazy out of line behavior should I predict? I want to include a short list of no-nos right now so that she can't say later "Well, it wasn't a big deal. I didn't think you'd care!"
« Last Edit: April 28, 2011, 03:17:36 PM by Danika »

Nurvingiel

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Re: Grandma gave grandson his first haircut without asking the parents
« Reply #1 on: April 15, 2011, 02:01:51 AM »
The trouble is, if you give her a list, will she follow it? If she would stick to a list, maybe it would be better to give her a list of things she is allowed to do and tell her she can't go off list.

Then she can't inevitably say, well, it wasn't on the list, and I didn't think it was a big deal!

Before you add any boundaries though, I think you should decide what the consequence is for ignoring your boundaries (i.e. your list).

If you make a rule, have a consequence to follow through if the rule is broken. And I have a feeling your Mom will break the rules.
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missmolly

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Re: Grandma gave grandson his first haircut without asking the parents
« Reply #2 on: April 15, 2011, 02:04:46 AM »
To be honest, I wouldn't be giving her another chance. She has no interest in respecting your boundaries and the only thing that will prevent her from circumventing them is to not leave your children alone with her.
"Any idiot can face a crisis, it is this day-to-day living that wears you out". Chekhov.

WestAussieGirl

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Re: Grandma gave grandson his first haircut without asking the parents
« Reply #3 on: April 15, 2011, 02:07:53 AM »
I don't know about your religious stance, but we had to call my MILs church to make sure she couldn't baptise our children without our knowledge.  She did manage to sneak the older one out to be blessed by the priest though.

DottyG

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Re: Grandma gave grandson his first haircut without asking the parents
« Reply #4 on: April 15, 2011, 02:08:44 AM »
I know how special that first lock of hair is. I cringed at your story. :(


DottyG

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Re: Grandma gave grandson his first haircut without asking the parents
« Reply #5 on: April 15, 2011, 02:09:44 AM »
I don't know about your religious stance, but we had to call my MILs church to make sure she couldn't baptise our children without our knowledge.  She did manage to sneak the older one out to be blessed by the priest though.

This reminds me of Archie Bunker!


shhh its me

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Re: Grandma gave grandson his first haircut without asking the parents
« Reply #6 on: April 15, 2011, 02:10:27 AM »
  I can't gibe you a list because no matter how comprehensive  she will find a way.  Just to to imagine  the things that are important and to you  , that's your list.  For example  ,  first  ice cream , blowing out candles  , seeing Santa, first trip to the zoo. Spend some time thinking about whats important to you and let her have the things that aren't important to you.   You may even want to give her false victory

Danika

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Re: Grandma gave grandson his first haircut without asking the parents
« Reply #7 on: April 15, 2011, 02:12:52 AM »
To be honest, I wouldn't be giving her another chance. She has no interest in respecting your boundaries and the only thing that will prevent her from circumventing them is to not leave your children alone with her.

I'm kind of thinking along these lines. I have no problem not letting the kids stay the night at my parents' house ever again. My DH, though, wants to be able to have a weekend away for just us two for our anniversary, or so we can attend a wedding out of state. That type of thing. I'm trying to decide if it's a hill to die on. I don't like my mother's disrespect and lack of boundaries. But I don't want our marriage to suffer because we don't get any alone time (until the kids are a little older and we can find a babysitter we trust).


I don't know about your religious stance, but we had to call my MILs church to make sure she couldn't baptise our children without our knowledge.  She did manage to sneak the older one out to be blessed by the priest though.

My mother did do this with our older child. Although I'm not religious, I was only marginally annoyed. It didn't infuriate me because there are so many other egregious things my mother has done that I think have more of an impact. Like when my cousin was 6 and had waist length hair and my mother cut it all off to above shoulder length because she felt like it.

momof2bratz

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Re: Grandma gave grandson his first haircut without asking the parents
« Reply #8 on: April 15, 2011, 02:43:30 AM »
Wait, what? You mother baptised your child without your knowledge? No, sorry, I would never let that person be alone with my children again. Regardless of your personal religious stance, that is a massive boundary to cross, and what she is basically saying is "Your decisions as a parent mean nothing to me, because I know better". Do you really want to be having this battle week in and week out? Because that is what will happen. If she baptised your child without your knowledge, then what makes you think she will stick to any list you give her?

starry diadem

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Re: Grandma gave grandson his first haircut without asking the parents
« Reply #9 on: April 15, 2011, 03:03:01 AM »
Wait, what? You mother baptised your child without your knowledge? No, sorry, I would never let that person be alone with my children again. Regardless of your personal religious stance, that is a massive boundary to cross, and what she is basically saying is "Your decisions as a parent mean nothing to me, because I know better". Do you really want to be having this battle week in and week out? Because that is what will happen. If she baptised your child without your knowledge, then what makes you think she will stick to any list you give her?

POD.

You have a decision to make, really, between balancing the occasional alone-time with your DH and having to pay the price of having this woman ride roughshod over you as a parent. 

I'm not sure, though, why you're surprised your mother cut your son's hair.  Your cousin has proof that she has previous form there.  Forewarned is forearmed, and all that.  It was probably only a matter of time before she felt the urge to feel scissors in her hand again.
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miffy

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Re: Grandma gave grandson his first haircut without asking the parents
« Reply #10 on: April 15, 2011, 03:20:39 AM »
To be honest, I wouldn't be giving her another chance. She has no interest in respecting your boundaries and the only thing that will prevent her from circumventing them is to not leave your children alone with her.
I was going to say exactly this after reading your OP, and now that I've read the rest of the thread I feel even more strongly about it  >:(

MariaE

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Re: Grandma gave grandson his first haircut without asking the parents
« Reply #11 on: April 15, 2011, 03:30:26 AM »
She wouldn't be getting another chance from me either. She majorly crossed the boundary, so no more unsupervised visits. The mere fact that you suspect she even might get your child's ears pierced without your permission shows very clearly that she hasn't learned anything - and probably won't.
 
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blarg314

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Re: Grandma gave grandson his first haircut without asking the parents
« Reply #12 on: April 15, 2011, 04:09:15 AM »

I think you have to accept that your mother will not accept reasonable boundaries.

Therefore the price you pay for free babysitting is the knowledge that your child might be returned with a new haircut, or new religion, or whatever you mother comes up with next.  Basically, then, it's up to you to decide if you're willing to pay the price. 

Personally, I'd stick with supervised visits to the grandparents, and find someone I can use as a babysitter for the occasional time away - friends, fellow parents, but something other than your parents, at least until your kids are old enough to stand up for themselves.


half_dollars

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Re: Grandma gave grandson his first haircut without asking the parents
« Reply #13 on: April 15, 2011, 05:42:06 AM »
I wouldn't give them unsupervised visits, either.  Your children will grow up seeing your parents (or mom) disrespect you and believe it's OK to do.

It does stink not being able to have a night away with DH.  We have no family close, and don't feel comfortable leaving the kiddos overnight with our babysitter.  But, we still celebrate special dates, have semi-regular date nights, and are doing OK.  If you do get invited for a wedding, you can take the kiddos and a babysitter with you, and have the babysitter watch them in the hotel room, or something similar.

You mentioned that the free babysitting isn't free and your paying emotionally.  So very true!  And your emotional well-being is important for your health, and for a happy home.

Danika

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Re: Grandma gave grandson his first haircut without asking the parents
« Reply #14 on: April 15, 2011, 05:54:21 AM »
Thank you all so much for your honesty. You're all making a lot of sense.

Your children will grow up seeing your parents (or mom) disrespect you and believe it's OK to do.

I hadn't even considered that! I do know that my 3 year old is less-disciplined when she returns from grandma's so I try to limit her exposure. But this goes beyond that. It could make things worse for the future.