adult children visit my non-related ex and shuttle me to second place.

[gangus]

My out-of-town grown kids announced a few weeks ago they were coming to visit for the weekend.  Exciting, right?  And I was!!  As the day approaches, they announce, oh, by the way, that I have to change the plans we made for the Saturday (which happens to be the only full day they are here), because they are going to visit my ex.  They are not blood related, nor did my ex play any part in their raising - they were grown and out of the house when we met, married and divorced - and the ex and I are not getting along at all (not relevant to post details here).  I acknowledge that if My kids  wish to maintain a friendship with her, that's their business.  But I object to having the rug pulled out of plans that had been made and being told "we are free here, here and here", but that one meet up with your ex? sorry, everything has to revolve around that.  Also, my youngest, even though on her own, has limited funds, and of course i was willing to pitch in 1/2 of her ticket to help her get here - to visit me ... but I don't really feel like financing this visit.  If my kids had even acknowledged that they knew it might be bothersome to me, or anything at all, but they bluntly announced what was going to happen. So I am feeling like my nose is being rubbed in it, and that it's pretty rude behavior.  And of course anyhing I may discuss with them about my personal life will go straight to my ex.

So, to get to my question -  do I keep a stiff upper lip and mention nothing? Do I say something about it being rather inconsiderate to do what they did how they did it, or do I tell them when I am available and to let me know when they want to see me?


I really thought I had raised them better ...

[aventurine]

Ouch.  That stings something fierce.   

So, to get to my question -  do I keep a stiff upper lip and mention nothing?

I'd go with this.  It's a done deal now, right?  So you have to weigh the benefits; would you rather say your piece, or have a nice visit?  It'll be hard as all get-out, but sometimes it's not worth the fight.

I hope you have a nice visit, and welcome to the boards.   

[Nurvingiel]

What your kids did is they made plans with you, then ditched them when they found something they wanted to do more. That stings.

When the person they ditched you for is your ex who you don't get along with, that rubs salt in it.

If you want to say something, I would only mention that having your plans dumped for something "better" hurt your feelings. I'd leave who those other plans were with out of the discussion.

[Iris]

What your kids did is they made plans with you, then ditched them when they found something they wanted to do more. That stings.

When the person they ditched you for is your ex who you don't get along with, that rubs salt in it.

If you want to say something, I would only mention that having your plans dumped for something "better" hurt your feelings. I'd leave who those other plans were with out of the discussion.

I agree with this. If you make it about the plans being specifically with ex, it gives them the chance to brush it off as 'relationship stuff'. But if you point out that ditching plans because you get a better offer is hurtful then you have an inarguable point.

Personally though, I'd enjoy the visit and then perhaps next time you speak to them after the visit say "Look, I didn't want to argue while you were here, but..."

[Lynda_34]

I'd let them have their say, cancel everything they've planned to do with you and tell them you are available for breakfast on Sunday morning before they leave.

Are they staying with you or in a hotel?  They may feel if they are in and out of your place that counts as a visit.

When and what are the plans they have with your ex?  Do you have to cancel anything you planned with them so they can go see her?

This kind of behavior is difficult to deal with so (((hugs)))).  If you paid for something to do with them I'd let them know that they cost you and then look around and find other people to do the same activity with so the money isn't wasted.  There are always groups ie. Seniors, churches, friends who are interested in doing something on a Saturday.

Hang in there and good luck.

[Marbles]

You can tell them how you feel without making it a big issue. I'd especially mention it to the one whose trip you are subsidizing.

"[child], I was really excited that you were coming to visit this weekend. Seeing you was going to be a highlight for me. It really hurts my feelings that you changed our plans at the last minute. How can we approach this so that it doesn't happen in the future?"

"[youngest], I have been looking forward to your visit and was happy to help pay for the trip so that I would get to see you. By canceling our plans on Saturday, it makes me feel like I am not a priority for you. I'm sure you can imagine how that makes me feel. In the future, please don't change plans once we've made them."

[Bibliophile]

While it's rude to change plans once they've been made, the "kids" can visit who they like.  You may not like who they're visiting, but they are adults...

[Tia]

If they changed plans for better ones... why not play the game?
I'm sure there is an event that might trump the new plans.
Get some sports tickets and say they are not refundable, or get reservations at a nice restaurant. Pretend to have forgotten the plans with the ex, as you assemble other family and friends for a small party in their honor. They couldn't possibly turn it down. Even if frustrated with your planning for them they couldn't stay angry.

[lkdrymom]

I didn't realize my dad was one of your kids. I feel your pain.