General Etiquette > Life...in general

Making clear a "no host" event

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Chocolate Cake:
I experienced something last week that I'd never run into before.   In my circle of friends, we frequently meet at a restaurant to celebrate someone's birthday.  We eat, drink, laugh over the cards and gag gifts, then everyone pays for their own meal and automatically chip in a couple dollars each to pay for the birthday person's meal and tip.   

While I've gone to plenty of these events, I've never coordinated one until last week when it became clear that no one was stepping forward on behalf of one of the women in the group.  So, I coordinated a lunch for five of us, plus the birthday gal.   

The lunch went along as usual, until it came time to pay the bill.   Everyone paid for their own ONLY, then put away their money, and left me to pay for the birthday person's tab all by myself.   NO ONE even asked how much to chip in like at all the other birthday events we've had.   

So as not to make a point about it in front of the birthday gal, I just quietly paid the bill.  But, I'm not happy that people either collectively became miserly just in time to stiff me or they thought that I was  hosting her lunch.

How can I make it crystal clear in the future that "coordinating" an event is not the same as "hosting" it? >:(

Tabris:
Something sounds fishy here. Did the other women fail to step to the fore about organizing the birthday meal because the birthday girl had offended some of them? If so, they were snubbing her, and you ruined a perfectly good snub by arranging the birthday meal.

In the future, I think it would be realistic to say, "It's time for Shari's birthday get-together. I was wondering where we could have it so it would be affordable to all of us for paying for our own meal as well as hers."

Marta:
How did the people hosting the parties before word it?

This is just odd - seems to me like this was sort of a tradition in your circle of friends, so you'd think they know "the rules."

Could there be some hard feelings between the birthday girl and the rest of the group?

Chocolate Cake:
Thanks for your replies!   The birthday girl is very well liked.  I think that no one had stepped up to plan her lunch because of the time of year -- with December being so incredibly busy for everyone, I don't think anyone wanted to add one more "to do" to their list.

In the past, people communicated about the event the same way I did:  An email goes out to the group, a time/date/location are selected, and everyone who's available shows up.   In looking at the past emails, no one has mentioned one way or the other about how the birthday person's meal will be paid.   It was just a non-issue 'cause everyone knows the "routine".   

It's just very puzzling to me (and aggravating) why I got stuck with the bill this time.     

platys:

--- Quote from: Marta on December 06, 2006, 11:35:36 AM ---How did the people hosting the parties before word it?

This is just odd - seems to me like this was sort of a tradition in your circle of friends, so you'd think they know "the rules."

Could there be some hard feelings between the birthday girl and the rest of the group?

--- End quote ---

Or, was someone under the impression that you had maybe stiffed someone on the bill in the past, and this was "pay-back"?  I'm not saying you did, but maybe someone had a mistaken opinion once, and it got spread around, and they decided use the opportunity to make sure you paid?   Which is also just weird and rude.

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