Making clear a "no host" event

[Chocolate Cake]

I experienced something last week that I'd never run into before.   In my circle of friends, we frequently meet at a restaurant to celebrate someone's birthday.  We eat, drink, laugh over the cards and gag gifts, then everyone pays for their own meal and automatically chip in a couple dollars each to pay for the birthday person's meal and tip.   

While I've gone to plenty of these events, I've never coordinated one until last week when it became clear that no one was stepping forward on behalf of one of the women in the group.  So, I coordinated a lunch for five of us, plus the birthday gal.   

The lunch went along as usual, until it came time to pay the bill.   Everyone paid for their own ONLY, then put away their money, and left me to pay for the birthday person's tab all by myself.   NO ONE even asked how much to chip in like at all the other birthday events we've had.   

So as not to make a point about it in front of the birthday gal, I just quietly paid the bill.  But, I'm not happy that people either collectively became miserly just in time to stiff me or they thought that I was  hosting her lunch.

How can I make it crystal clear in the future that "coordinating" an event is not the same as "hosting" it?

[Tabris]

Something sounds fishy here. Did the other women fail to step to the fore about organizing the birthday meal because the birthday girl had offended some of them? If so, they were snubbing her, and you ruined a perfectly good snub by arranging the birthday meal.

In the future, I think it would be realistic to say, "It's time for Shari's birthday get-together. I was wondering where we could have it so it would be affordable to all of us for paying for our own meal as well as hers."

[Marta]

How did the people hosting the parties before word it?

This is just odd - seems to me like this was sort of a tradition in your circle of friends, so you'd think they know "the rules."

Could there be some hard feelings between the birthday girl and the rest of the group?

[Chocolate Cake]

Thanks for your replies!   The birthday girl is very well liked.  I think that no one had stepped up to plan her lunch because of the time of year -- with December being so incredibly busy for everyone, I don't think anyone wanted to add one more "to do" to their list.

In the past, people communicated about the event the same way I did:  An email goes out to the group, a time/date/location are selected, and everyone who's available shows up.   In looking at the past emails, no one has mentioned one way or the other about how the birthday person's meal will be paid.   It was just a non-issue 'cause everyone knows the "routine".   

It's just very puzzling to me (and aggravating) why I got stuck with the bill this time.     

[platys]

How did the people hosting the parties before word it?

This is just odd - seems to me like this was sort of a tradition in your circle of friends, so you'd think they know "the rules."

Could there be some hard feelings between the birthday girl and the rest of the group?

Or, was someone under the impression that you had maybe stiffed someone on the bill in the past, and this was "pay-back"?  I'm not saying you did, but maybe someone had a mistaken opinion once, and it got spread around, and they decided use the opportunity to make sure you paid?   Which is also just weird and rude.

[Chocolate Cake]

I'm always very conscientious about paying my fair share, but that doesn't mean that *someone* couldn't have  made a mistaken impression about me.   But all four of them?   

[goblue2539]

Is it feasible to ask one of them if something was going?  It could be as simple as each one separately talleyed up her Christmas spending and was hoping it wouldn't be noticed she didn't chip in.  Which, it might not have if they hadn't all done it.  Doesn't make it right, but it's easier to swallow than using a birthday lunch to make a point. 

[gr_gal1993]

I'm always very conscientious about paying my fair share, but that doesn't mean that *someone* couldn't have  made a mistaken impression about me.   But all four of them?   

That does seem extremely odd.  If this had been done regularly for all of the previous birthdays, then something is definitely happening.  Personally, I might be tempted to ask about this at a later date to one of the group members.  Maybe around the next birthday dinner?  I would want to know the procedure for future reference.  However, it sounds way too coincidental for my taste.

Kudos to you for taking care of it quietly though, so as not to alarm the birthday gal!! 

[kingsrings]

How exactly did you word the invite? Perhaps you unintentionally made it sound like you were going to be paying for the bday girl's dinner. And how were the previous invites sent? If it was just solely you planning and sending it out this time, this also could of given them the impression that you were paying. However, I am not excusing their behavior because they should of known from the previous times how it was done.

[platys]

I'm always very conscientious about paying my fair share, but that doesn't mean that *someone* couldn't have  made a mistaken impression about me.   But all four of them?   

Well, sometimes things get innocously spread among groups of friends, especially if some are better friends than others.   Like, say:

Person 1:  Hey, did you notice if CC chipped in for the birthday girl?
Person 2:  I don't know. I wasn't paying attention.  I know sometimes people haven't.  That's annoying.
Person 3: *internally mistaken*  Hrm, CC didn't pay for the birthday girl.

Later...

Person 4:  Did you see CC sent an email about new birthday girl's birthday?
Person 3:  I know!  And she didn't even chip in for the last birthday girl's dinner!
Person 4:  REally?  CRUD MONKEYS!, that's rude.
Person 5:  We should just pay our own meal then,since she stiffed the group before.

Just funky stuff like that happens, especially if no one is willing to just come out and ask people.

Oh, the other possibility is that it got around that the birthday girl stiffs sometimes, by the same process, and people decided to not pay for her, not thinking it would end up coming out of your pocket.   Like, well, if birthday girl doesn't pay for other people, I'm not paying for her lunch kind of thing.

[LadyJaneinMD]

Email all four of them and ask 'what happened?' Explain just the way you did to us:  Usually you girls all go out and  everyone chips in for the birthday girl, but this time it didn't happen.  Why?
If you really are good friends with all of them, then they'll explain why.  If you're not all that good of friends, then why are you all celebrating birthdays together?   

I have a couple of friends like that, and I wouldn't hesitate to ask them why. 

[freakyfemme]

Hmm......that's a hard situation to be in, nobody likes to have to call people out for things like that.  If I was in that situation, I'd probably just announce that the next birthday dinner would take place at my house, and then make a nice-but-affordable meal for everyone, such as spaghetti and salad, and birthday cake made from a mix.  If people asked why I chose to do that, then I might say something about the "confusion" at the previous birthday dinner, but unless someone asked specifically, I'd really rather just let it go than ask, say, six people individually (or together) why they didn't each chip in that extra few dollars for the birthday girl's meal.  Then, after the first "home-hosted" birthday dinner, at least one person in the group would volunteer to have the next one at their house, and so on.

[fklwmn]

I think that the reason no one jumped in to plan her dinner is the same reason no one chipped in to pay for it either. IMO, if they are willing to let a good friend go without her birthday being celebrated b/c they are too busy with the holidays, even though it is a usual (and probably expected thing), they probably thought that with the holidays, things are 'tight' this year, so they just aren't going to chip in for this meal. Except they ALL did it.


You're nicer than I am. I would have stpped and said, "Oh! I don't think you calculated correctly! Your share is actually $x.xx. wow... seems like everyone's math is a little off tonight.  Must be all the craziness of the holidays..." and I would have gone on to give everyone their total plus thier share of the birthday girl's dinner.

That is assuming this was one check being divided up amongst you at payment, rather than separate checks all around. in that case I would have kept my mouth shut too, but asked one of them about it later.

[kingsrings]

I think that the reason no one jumped in to plan her dinner is the same reason no one chipped in to pay for it either. IMO, if they are willing to let a good friend go without her birthday being celebrated b/c they are too busy with the holidays, even though it is a usual (and probably expected thing), they probably thought that with the holidays, things are 'tight' this year, so they just aren't going to chip in for this meal. Except they ALL did it.


You're nicer than I am. I would have stpped and said, "Oh! I don't think you calculated correctly! Your share is actually $x.xx. wow... seems like everyone's math is a little off tonight.  Must be all the craziness of the holidays..." and I would have gone on to give everyone their total plus thier share of the birthday girl's dinner.

That is assuming this was one check being divided up amongst you at payment, rather than separate checks all around. in that case I would have kept my mouth shut too, but asked one of them about it later.

But you couldn't really do that in front of the birthday girl. That would make her feel uncomfortable and guilty. She might even feel obligated to chip in, seeing the ruckus it was causing.

[platys]

I was also thinking that maybe there was a misunderstanding about shares.  For example, if you announced "Oh, everyone's share is xx.xx", they might have assumed that that share included the b-day girl's dinner split between everyone.