Author Topic: Family asking for donations for adoption - update page 3  (Read 5485 times)

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jaxsue

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Family asking for donations for adoption - update page 3
« on: May 06, 2011, 04:17:52 PM »
I know this has been a topic before on ehell: asking others via social networks to contribute to IVF and adoption. Now it's happened - in my family. Knowing my family, this could get awkward.

My brother has 3 daughters (all lovely young women) who can't have biological children. One of them has started an online fundraising campaign on "chipin." Yes, a site dedicated to fundraisers! I really do feel for DN (dear niece). She'd make a wonderful mother. But I still don't think it's the right thing to do, etiquette-wise. I can't have different standards for family, KWIM?

So, I''m sure I will receive some notice via email, snail-mail letter, etc. I can honestly say I can't afford to contribute right now, at least.  :-\
« Last Edit: May 09, 2011, 03:14:22 PM by jaxsue »

DottyG

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Re: Family asking for donations for adoption
« Reply #1 on: May 06, 2011, 04:22:17 PM »
I'm always confused by things like this.  If they don't have money now, how will they have money later for food, diapers, school, clothes,...... ???


Red1979

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Re: Family asking for donations for adoption
« Reply #2 on: May 06, 2011, 04:26:35 PM »
I'm always confused by things like this.  If they don't have money now, how will they have money later for food, diapers, school, clothes,...... ???



I think its because adoption is a large sum of money all at once.  The other items are small expenses you can budget for in each paycheck--as well as coupon and buy in bulk.  It'd be like trying to buy everything your kid needs for the first 10 years of their life all at once and with one big check.  Adoptions typically require amounts that are extremely large--in the thousands of dollars all at once.   A lot of people don't have that available in one shot--particularly in this economy. 

It's really such a shame that adoption is so expensive.  I think of all those kids who need homes and all the people who so want to be parents and it just seems awful to require that people bankrupt themselves or beg to everyone and sundry in order to come up with the exorbitant amounts needed for adoptions.
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DottyG

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Re: Family asking for donations for adoption
« Reply #3 on: May 06, 2011, 04:29:56 PM »
Ah.  That makes sense.


One Goat to Rule Them All

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Re: Family asking for donations for adoption
« Reply #4 on: May 06, 2011, 04:32:31 PM »
I'm always confused by things like this.  If they don't have money now, how will they have money later for food, diapers, school, clothes,...... ???



My BIL and SIL looked into adopting after their second in-vitro treatment. It was going to cost just as much as the in-vitro! the first step information seminar was $500 alone.

I could afford to have a baby, but there's no way I could afford $10 000+ and then a year off work and diapers etc.

OP, don't worry about holding your family to a different standard. If you would like to help them, then go ahead. If you can't afford it or don't want to that's fine too.

Betelnut

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Re: Family asking for donations for adoption
« Reply #5 on: May 06, 2011, 04:34:24 PM »
Yes, adoption itself can be quite expensive depending on the type you do.  I did international adoption and it cost me, at a minimum, $30,000 (probably more).  I raised all of it myself except for $5000.00 from my folks--which was a loan.

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CakeBeret

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Re: Family asking for donations for adoption
« Reply #6 on: May 06, 2011, 04:35:56 PM »
I know a family through church that is trying to adopt. They hold fundraising breakfasts once a month or so, and you go, donate whatever you like (there is no set entry cost), and get some delicious biscuits and gravy out of the deal. :D They advertise their fundraisers on FB, as well as talk about their adoption journey. I don't have a problem with this at all (though I'm sure others will).

However, outright money grabs irritate me. Fundraisers=fine. Give me money!=not okay.

Red is correct about the cost of adoption. You have to come up with a lump sum of tens of thousands of dollars. Being able to afford a child's upkeep is positively simple in comparison.  :P
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yokozbornak

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Re: Family asking for donations for adoption
« Reply #7 on: May 06, 2011, 04:46:34 PM »
A friend of mine is doing an overseas adoption, and she and her husband have paid close to 25K out of pocket in fees alone.  Another friend and I put together a dinner and silent auction for them because we wanted to help offset their costs.  Participation was strictly voluntary, but we had many people come out of the woodwork who wanted to help.  Our friends never asked for any help, but the dinner was a fun way for all of us to feel like we helped bring their daughter home.

jaxsue

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Re: Family asking for donations for adoption
« Reply #8 on: May 06, 2011, 05:27:37 PM »
I know a family through church that is trying to adopt. They hold fundraising breakfasts once a month or so, and you go, donate whatever you like (there is no set entry cost), and get some delicious biscuits and gravy out of the deal. :D They advertise their fundraisers on FB, as well as talk about their adoption journey. I don't have a problem with this at all (though I'm sure others will).

However, outright money grabs irritate me. Fundraisers=fine. Give me money!=not okay.

Red is correct about the cost of adoption. You have to come up with a lump sum of tens of thousands of dollars. Being able to afford a child's upkeep is positively simple in comparison.  :P

Ooh, I'd donate for some good biscuits and gravy!  :-*

niamh

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Re: Family asking for donations for adoption
« Reply #9 on: May 06, 2011, 05:34:50 PM »
We didn't seek contributions for our international adoption. (Looking back, I am not sure our agency would have worked with us if we had needed to fundraise.) I'm not judging those who do it; it just never would have occurred to me to ask other people to fund our adoption. Ours cost about $20,000, but we paid it out over the course of the process (about 13 months), with the final amount (the travel costs, which were about half the total costs) due just before we traveled to meet our daughter. The installment approach took the sting out of it a bit.

FYI, there is an adoption tax credit in the US for people with adoption expenses. It was about $11,000 when we got it. I just checked and it is now $13,170. So, for Americans anyway, there is some "relief" once you have managed to pay out the money in the first place.

« Last Edit: May 06, 2011, 05:36:46 PM by niamh »

Slartibartfast

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Re: Family asking for donations for adoption
« Reply #10 on: May 06, 2011, 05:35:05 PM »
Not to mention, international adoptions especially can have sudden and unexpected costs, along with short time limits.  Oh, you'll need to renew such-and-such paperwork by next month, that'll be another $2000 please, and if you don't get the money by then you'll have to start over.  That kind of thing.

That said, I'm not a fan of moneygrabs either, even for a good cause  :-\

niamh

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Re: Family asking for donations for adoption
« Reply #11 on: May 06, 2011, 05:42:01 PM »
Yes, we were extraordinarily fortunate that we adopted just before our program of choice exploded. Our wait was 8 months from paperwork submission to referral. For the same country now, the wait is almost 5 years! The visa you have to get for your child before you apply for the adoption is only good for 18 months, and your FBI fingerprints are only good for 15 (and you have to have the fingerprints to get the visa ...). Each costs hundreds of dollars and have to be renewed throughout the wait (plus paying for homestudy updates if you have any major life changes during the horrendous wait period such as job changes, other children born/adopted, moving house, etc.).

Rosey

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Re: Family asking for donations for adoption
« Reply #12 on: May 06, 2011, 05:44:35 PM »
My husband and I are adopting out of foster care.

We have paid all of our costs, and our total expense was $1,075.

The state will refund $1,000 once the adoption has gone through. We have verified this with our agency and other families who have used the same program.

I understand wanting a baby, and I certainly understand those who feel called to adopt internationally, but the expense doesn't *have* to be tens of thousands of dollars.

That's the only reason I dislike these fundraisers. If your goal is to have children, there are less expensive ways to go about it then adopting a baby and/or in vitro. If you only want to have a baby, I wholeheartedly support you in spirit, but I don't like being asked to support you financially as well.

SoCalVal

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Re: Family asking for donations for adoption
« Reply #13 on: May 06, 2011, 06:06:13 PM »
My husband and I are adopting out of foster care.

We have paid all of our costs, and our total expense was $1,075.

I was wondering about this.  I had a friend about 14 years ago do a local adoption with her DH.  I remember her stating it cost a few hundred dollars so I've been really thrown by the exorbitant fees being quoted in this thread.

I'd have to agree that if there's a specific type of adoption you are seeking and it costs a lot more than you can afford, then you should come up with the funds yourself (unless, as one poster had mentioned, you have family and friends who are willing and/or volunteer to help you out).

I know a family through church that is trying to adopt. They hold fundraising breakfasts once a month or so, and you go, donate whatever you like (there is no set entry cost), and get some delicious biscuits and gravy out of the deal. :D They advertise their fundraisers on FB, as well as talk about their adoption journey. I don't have a problem with this at all (though I'm sure others will).

I don't mind fundraisers where something is provided, but, I gotta say, one of the residents at work recently held a fundraiser which, to me, was a disguised money grab.  She posted flyers all over our department areas requesting donations of baked goods for her bake sale (she was trying to raise money to volunteer overseas for a good cause).  On the same flyer, she requested you also show up and buy lots of baked goods from her.  So, essentially, she wanted you to give her something to sell then buy it back from her (so she was out nothing financially).  I also looked up the program and while the project costs were covered by donations directly to the program, the money she was needing to raise was for personal expenses (which aren't covered by the program).  Hey, I'd like to volunteer overseas, too, but I always looked at it as what it is -- a working vacation.  I'd get to see and experience another country, but I'd be doing it for a good cause.  It never occurred to me to ask someone else to finance it.  Anyway, if she'd only been advertising her bake sale but didn't ask for donations of stuff for her to sell, I wouldn't have had a problem with it.  I think the fundraising breakfast is a fine idea unless parishioners were also being asked to provide the breakfast items ready-made then to buy that breakfast back after they hand it over.



jane7166

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Re: Family asking for donations for adoption
« Reply #14 on: May 06, 2011, 06:36:25 PM »
Most - not all - people have medical insurance that pays for the birth of a baby.  Some employers will chip in for an adoption but those are in the minority.  So, I don't have a problem with fundraising for adoption.  It seems unfair that people who are lucky enough to be fertile get a break and it costs adoptive parents thousands of dollars.