• May 20, 2018, 02:55:56 PM

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Author Topic: Invitation late or non-existant - general rule to follow? Sorry, kind of long.  (Read 1203 times)

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<bg>There are member of my extended family that has never issued me an invitation to their home, either through voice, email or snail mail.  I have been there once in the last twenty-some years. e will call him Bob.

  If I do happen find out that there is some family thing at Bob's house, it is usually the day before and through word of mouth because I happened to see a different member of my family, who then says; "You're coming to Bob's family reunion cookout tomorrow, right?! They invited everyone!".  Well, since this is the first time I've heard of it, I guess I am not everyone.

Then I am made to feel guilty because I do not go.  My wife and I work odd hours and cannot learn at eight pm at night that you are having a family reunion barbecue a 8 hour round trip drive away from our house at 2 pm the next day.  To do that midweek we would need to both need to know at least a week in advance because we would need to leave early one day and go in to work late the next, and we need to get permission to do that.

Or, of course, I find out afterward.  "We missed you at Bob's cookout last week."  How exactly am I supposed to show up if I don't know about an event? 

My not seeing them very much has led to my making some horrible faux pas.  Once I ran into this Bob's at a store, unfortunately I had only met her one time previous to this and she looks very much like another person's wife, so I called her by the wrong name.  She has never gotten over it.</bg>

I just found out that one of this family member's children is getting married by a different extended family member's throw-away comment to totally different extended family member.  Something like:

extended family member A: I'm visiting in September!
extended family member B: I thought you were coming in October for Splurkies (Bob's daughter) wedding!

So, it's pretty much a given that I am not and will not be invited.  So, in the interests of etiquette, what are my responsibilities about not mentioning that I know about it?


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Your solution is simple and elegant.

You simply tell all your relatives this:
"Oh My Goodness, there is such an event! I feel sad that I was not invited at all! I feel so left out, but I hope you enjoy yourselves."

If they say "Oh, but everyonee's invited!"

You need to answer: "I wasn't." And try to look sad while you are at it.

And now it will be up to Bob and his family to explain why you weren't invited.


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I think it's perfectly polite to just tell people the truth:

"I didn't know about it."

"I wasn't invited."

"This is the first I'm hearing of it.  Wife and I can't make plans on such short notice.  Plus, most importantly, we weren't invited."

Maybe even, "We are never invited to Bob's events.  Please stop bringing them up to me."

Hopefully after a while your relatives will get the message and they'll just stop bringing these events up in front of you, which is rude.

Bob's wife sounds like a very unpleasant and self-absorbed person if she would be so offended that someone who has only met her once had a perfectly acceptable memory lapse when it came to her name. 

I'm not sure if you actually would like to be invited to Bob's events.  If you would, and feel that he and his wife are not purposefully shunning you, you might ask another relative how everyone else is notified about these things and they could request that you be included on the email/phone call list/etc.  This person could ask in a breezy manner, "Bob, you know, Zyrs never knows about these things.  Would you like his phone number/email/address?" 

Of course, this would have to be someone who would not feel uncomfortable if Bob tells replies "no, I would not," and the inquirer should then drop the subject.