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Author Topic: But it really needs to be discussed  (Read 7785 times)

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smidget23

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But it really needs to be discussed
« on: May 10, 2011, 06:09:55 PM »
I have a reverse situation. My MIL is notorious for interrupting others when she doesn't like the answer she's received or just the topic in general. Normally this rates as a rude annoyance to me (mostly because she always changes the topic to herself), but none of the discussions were that important. However lately we've been having to be more forceful in establishing and laying out boundaries for the ILs. Needless to say, MIL has ratcheted things up a notch.

Our previous conversation went as follows:
MIL: I took the entire week off of work for Spawn's birth so that I'll be able to be there and help you guys.
Me: That's really unnecessary. I'll be in the hospital for several days and we have everything else completely under control and planned for. You're more than welcome to come up and visit at the hospital. I'll have to get back to you on the specific days/hours though. Plus we haven't gotten [she interrupts]
MIL: Don't be silly. You'll be out of the hospital the next day. Planned c-sections aren't as traumatic as emergency ones so the recovery is a lot faster. I'll be there for everything as your medical advocate as well to to take care of the baby and DD.
Me: No. You won't. That is not the way the surgery works and DD is already provided for. You are welcome to visit during [she interrupts]
MIL: proceeds to launch into a long story where it was impossible for me to get a word in edgewise

I tried to redirect back to the previous topic several times after she finished her story and she just kept interrupting me! I really didn't feel comfortable interrupting her/raising my voice/calling her on her behavior at the time because we were at lunch in a restaurant with SIL2. SIL already looked uncomfortable enough. We did end up finishing the conversation later through texts, but I know we're going to have to have repeats of it as well as address other issues that she won't want to discuss orally in the future. My usual tactic of redirecting and asking her not to interrupt/hear me through aren't effective. Not to mention that it makes her defensive and then she interrupts to talk about how she doesn't interrupt.

So what is appropriate when people are abusing the bean dip and the subject really needs discussed? I'm not comfortable with giving vague noncommittal answers to her and discussing things through text/email later because she takes everything as affirmations in the meantime. Lately I've been sticking with just "no" or "we're not doing that", but then later I get texts/messages asking why I'm upset with her which cues the repeat discussions. 
Flair/Flare is very confusing. Even for authors.

crella

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Re: But it really needs to be discussed
« Reply #1 on: May 10, 2011, 06:46:40 PM »
It sounds like a truckload of bean dip won't work for her, instead I would reconfirm with the hospital just who your advocate is, and how you want things done.

wonderfullyanonymous

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Re: But it really needs to be discussed
« Reply #2 on: May 12, 2011, 10:37:05 AM »
I would also make sure she does not know when you are going home, and keep your doors locked at all times. Keep repeating the phrases,

"Now is not a good time."

"It's time for you to go, I need to rest."

Kaypeep

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Re: But it really needs to be discussed
« Reply #3 on: May 12, 2011, 10:51:47 AM »
If you are physically present during the conversation and she interrupts, I would walk away as soon as she does so. When she asks where you're going you can say "I was talking but you interrupted me.  Since you don't want to listen to what I have to say, I'm assuming my presence isn't required."  Maybe that will help make her aware of when she's interrupting.  If she gets angry, that's her problem.    She's being rude to you and you don't have to put up with that.

I'mnotinsane

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Re: But it really needs to be discussed
« Reply #4 on: May 14, 2011, 11:09:47 AM »
Try putting your hand up and saying 'please let me finish'.  She may notice after the first one or two hundred times.

Ms_Shell

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Re: But it really needs to be discussed
« Reply #5 on: May 14, 2011, 12:42:10 PM »
I agree with getting in touch with the hospital personnel beforehand and letting them know that MIL will not be making any decisions regarding DD's care.  How is your DH?  Is he comfortable with standing up to her?  The two of you should present a united front, if possible.
"I've never been a millionaire, but I just know I'd be darling at it." - Dorothy Parker

Kaypeep

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Re: But it really needs to be discussed
« Reply #6 on: May 14, 2011, 01:50:27 PM »
Does she have to know when you are in the hospital?   I would just not tell her. Maybe tell no one, and just try to enjoy your new baby yourselves for the first few days.  Ask the hospital if they can keep your stay anonymous, so that if anyone calls looking for your they can say you are not a patient?  My friend did this when her daughter was born. She just didn't want the invasion of relatives after such a traumatic ordeal (csection, too.)  She wanted to have time to recuperate uninterrupted, and just have it be her and her DH and the baby.

smidget23

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Re: But it really needs to be discussed
« Reply #7 on: May 16, 2011, 02:11:10 PM »
Sorry. :-[ I forgot about this thread with other things going on. 

Between DH and the lovely hospital staff, I have no worries about anything getting out of hand at the hospital. Really that was just an example from the most recent conversation. It's just extremely frustrating to try to talk to her when she doesn't like the topic or the replies she receives. That's when the bulldozer/beandip tactics come out on her part. My issue with being on the receiving end is that while I can respect it's not something she likes to hear, certain things need to be said and absorbed by the listener. I know I've dealt with it in the past with clients who were trying to talk over me or interrupt me to get their way, but I admit that I my motivations with them weren't the nicest. I knew that it would only serve to anger them further so really it was a sort of revenge for me. That's not what I want in these dealings. Ultimately I would like her to be able to listen and understand and work with me and DH instead of shutting down.
Flair/Flare is very confusing. Even for authors.

mabelle

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Re: But it really needs to be discussed
« Reply #8 on: June 28, 2011, 02:24:18 PM »
Forgive me for contradicting the OP - but what your MIL is doing is NOT beandipping. Beandipping implies diversionary tactics rather than responding to impoliteness or rudeness. You identify as the recipient of a beandip, but you are not being rude by attempting to set boundaries for your family and your preferences in this very personal and intimate time for your immediate family (not to include MIL when she is not desired participant). I highly recommend "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud for some help in this area. While not specifically etiquette related, this book has practical advice at being heard and taken seriously by those who are (used to) bulldozing you.

Good luck and congrats on the new addition!

Shortcake

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Re: But it really needs to be discussed
« Reply #9 on: July 02, 2011, 10:22:12 PM »
Try putting your hand up and saying 'please let me finish'.  She may notice after the first one or two hundred times.

This is a wonderful idea!  You need to say this in a firm (but not angry) voice, so she knows you mean business. It may take a while before you are sucessful. She has been interupting and changing the subject to avoid things she doesn't want to discuss for a long time. It will work better if you get your DH to do the same thing if she interupts him when he is trying to set limits.

Have you tried this?
"Carry out a random act of kindness, safe in the knowledge that one day someone might do the same for you."  Princess Diana

Prof Higgins

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Re: But it really needs to be discussed
« Reply #10 on: August 01, 2011, 11:57:14 AM »
I understand (from far away, across the pond) that American referees throw a flag when there is a foul play. Have you tried this, along with a really powerful whistle? I doubt you'd need to it more than twice before she 'got the message'.

kherbert05

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Re: But it really needs to be discussed
« Reply #11 on: August 01, 2011, 12:36:19 PM »
Honestly in this case I think you should put your hand up in a stop position. Then tell her either you listen and agree to what DH and I have decided - or the hospital will be told to NOT admit you and you will not be allowed in.

I agree with keeping your door locked. If you are worried about being able to get up and answer the door for the people you want - give them a key. Sis did that after each kid was born, not because of intrusive family but we live in Houston = locked doors at all times. I never stopped by without being invited, but this way sis didn't have to answer the door.
Don't Teach Them For Your Past. Teach Them For Their Future

GeauxTigers

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Re: But it really needs to be discussed
« Reply #12 on: August 01, 2011, 06:52:32 PM »
Quote
MIL: Don't be silly. You'll be out of the hospital the next day. Planned c-sections aren't as traumatic as emergency ones so the recovery is a lot faster. I'll be there for everything as your medical advocate as well to to take care of the baby and DD.

What the...?

Time to deploy the "Stop In The Name of Diana Ross" hand and say:

"You.Are.Not.My.Medical.Advocate."

Alert the medical and nursing staff at your hospital. Let them know that MIL Dearest seems to think she's in charge, but isn't. Register as a confidential patient when you check in (they won't even be able to confirm you're there, let alone your room number.)

I really hope she isn't planning on staying at your house for the week in question. Please make sure that your DH is on Team You instead of Team Mom.