Etiquette School is in session! > Complete Silence
Panhandler and...Sympathizer?
twiggy:
I don't respond to panhandlers either. But then again, I don't make eye contact with or respond to those people selling stuff at kiosks in the hallways of the mall. A request for my money is not a social situation. If a panhandler sneezes, I'll say "bless you", but I won't typically give them any money. I've been known to let out bloodcurdling screams when surprised by people walking up to my vehicle as I'm strapping the kids into their carseats. That's a startle reflex, I don't just scream when people walk near me. But if I turn around and there is suddenly, and unexpectedly, a person in my personal space, it freaks me out. Especially since I'm a 5'3" woman who is usually the only adult with 2-4 children under age 3.
DH is a sucker for a story, especially if there's a child and a picture involved. At a nearby big box store, there is a family that occasionally walks around asking for money to help pay for a child's cancer treatment. They seem pretty knowledgeable and will talk about the tests and procedures that are taking place, and they always thank you for your time. DH gives them what he can, whem he can and comes away feeling grateful that our family is healthy. I think it's kind of hinkey because they also usually have a photo of the child, and will tell you a bit about the sick child, but I've seen several pictures of different children. Boys, girls, curly hair, dark hair, blonde, freckles, no freckles, etc.
I've also had the unsettling experience of being boxed in and yelled at by someone asking for money. I was backing out of a parking lot and he positioned himself in such a way that I could not continue without running him down. Again, it was just me, my 3yo and my infant daughter. He yelled at me, and when I told him I don't carry cash with me, he demanded that I go into the store and get some for him, all the while he was calling me all sorts of nasty names and telling me that I was making him feel so bad and ashamed, and didn't I know how embarrassing and demeaning it was for him to have to ask for money. I had to call 411 to get the store phone number, call a manager and blare the radio (drowning out the obscenities before my little sponge in the backseat could soak them up) while I waited for store personnel to come rescue me.
OTOH, I've also had a grown men weep when I turned my car around to stop and give him a sandwich, powerade and banana. And I had a warm, fuzzy moment when I was able to give a woman with a bunch of little kids about a dozen pouches of tuna and some random groceries I had in the car. The kids' eyes lit up, and it broke my heart a little.
(I find that being inside a locked vehicle, with DH for company makes me more willing to talk to/help those who ask)
Twik:
Unfortunately, when dealing with the homeless, you have three basic groups.
1, those truly "down on their luck." These people I have no problem with helping.
2. people suffering from mental illness/drug addiction. While not necessarily dangerous, they can be erratic and confrontational. And yes, sometimes dangerous. Interacting with them (even with the best of intentions) can lead to situations you are not prepared for.
3. the scammers who see money being given to people upon asking, and decide to benefit themselves from other people's charity. These people are disgusting, but they are often good at disguising themselves as Group 1.
The only advice I have is go with your gut. Bystanders who feel a passerby is being uncharitable rather than cautious should put up their own cash if they feel it's called for.
Miss Ann Thrope:
I agree with your three types of panhandlers. First, when I'm approached with a hard luck story--such as not having money for gas--I offer to call the police or adult social services for assistance. The individual asking for a handout makes an excuse and walks away. Their avoidance of police or social services speaks volumes. I also use the line that I do not carry cash. Second, I refuse to give cash, but will give items that immediately address a person in need's problem. For example, I have given a sweatshirt to a homeless man that was obviously cold. I also have given a sandwich to someone who looked emaciated. I also offer to make calls to agencies in every instance. Overall, I think that unsolicited approaches are for genuine help or to support dysfunctional behavior. All polite request from any human being calls for a polite response. All rude requests do not have to be acknowleged.
FracturedPoet:
I've never given a panhandler a cent, although I will occasionally buy a homeless newspaper from one. I always make eye contact and will just shake my head or tell them I'm sorry. I don't see how refusing to acknowledge the existence of a human being can be considered anything but rude. Imagine you were in their place (yeah, yeah, yeah it would never happen to you, right) and people refused to even acknowledge your existence.
I've had just the opposite experience with acknowledging them. If you look at them (confidently) and say "sorry" (confidently) they seem to back off quicker, you've made it clear they don't scare you, you're not going to be a victim, and you aren't going to give them anything.
To me this thread looks like people trying to justify their behavior. I've volunteered extensively with the homeless and they're not the malicious subhumans it seems some of you are trying to make them into. Many are mentally ill, some physically ill, others are addicts or drunks, but I think they all deserve to be treated like human beings.
Mental Magpie:
--- Quote from: FracturedPoet on April 29, 2012, 07:42:31 PM ---I've never given a panhandler a cent, although I will occasionally buy a homeless newspaper from one. I always make eye contact and will just shake my head or tell them I'm sorry. I don't see how refusing to acknowledge the existence of a human being can be considered anything but rude. Imagine you were in their place (yeah, yeah, yeah it would never happen to you, right) and people refused to even acknowledge your existence.
I've had just the opposite experience with acknowledging them. If you look at them (confidently) and say "sorry" (confidently) they seem to back off quicker, you've made it clear they don't scare you, you're not going to be a victim, and you aren't going to give them anything.
To me this thread looks like people trying to justify their behavior. I've volunteered extensively with the homeless and they're not the malicious subhumans it seems some of you are trying to make them into. Many are mentally ill, some physically ill, others are addicts or drunks, but I think they all deserve to be treated like human beings.
--- End quote ---
I constantly ignore the existence of human beings on campus as I walk by them on my way to class; I also ignore their existence during class. I ignore their existence when I'm in Wal-Mart, too. I am not obligated at all by anything (social or otherwise) to make eye contact with everyone and anyone around me at all times, that includes homeless people on the street as well as anyone else who just so happens to be walking by me. It isn't rude.
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version