She asked for a favour, I did it, now I'm getting ignored.

[emjo306]

This involves an online rel@tionship so I hope this is in the right folder!

I've been a member of a small, private message board for about 6 years now - there are about 50 of us, very tight knit with an IRL get together or two every year.  One of the board members posted last month asking for help from one of the Canadian posters - she wanted a food product that isn't available in the US, and was hoping to have one of us send it to her in exchange for some small American thing that we might like.  I replied that the product she was looking for was readily available in my area, and that I'd be happy to send it.  We PM'd a couple of times and she promised to send me some chocolate bars that my husband likes.

I realized after I agreed to send her a package that the product she wanted was cheap, but heavy...and would cost me about 4 times what it's worth to send it.  I figured if I was going to go to the trouble, I would throw in a few Canadian chocolate bars and dollar store goodies for her kids as well.  Our kids are the same age so I even had my boys draw pictures for her kids and tuck them in the envelope. 

A few weeks pass, and I haven't heard anything.  I thought maybe the package had gotten delayed at the border, so I tracked in online and found that the package had been successfully delivered 10 days prior.  I sent her a PM on our board asking Hey, did you get the package I sent?  I was curious as to what her kids thought of the goodies I'd sent them.  The next day I see she has posted on the board, but no reply to my PM.  I post a similar message on her Facebook wall.  This was 4-5 days ago she's been active on both sites and still, no PM or reply on Facebook.

I'm feeling pretty hurt, and I'm thinking this is turning into one of those "lesson learned, move on" things but I'm wondering if there's any other polite way to deal with this.  Like I said, our board is a really tight knit group and it just feels awkward now.  I don't care that I didn't get a package from her, I was just hoping for a quick "Hey, thanks for the stuff!".  Do I try and contact her again, or just act like nothing happened?  (There's no chance I'm going to see her IRL at a get together, as they're always to far away for me to attend.)

[TootsNYC]

At this point, I'd start a thread on the board you share, and ask there.

Be explicit. "FellowMember--haven't heard from you about pkg I sent" as the title.

And then say, "I saw it had been delivered according to the tracking service--were they accurate? I asked on Facebook, and by e-mail, and haven't heard from you, so I worried that things aren't well. Was there something wrong with the stuff? I was curious to hear if your kids like the pictures my children drew for them."

Drag this stuff out in the open. The pressure of her peers should be brought to bear. And any moderators or organizers (official or unofficial) ought to know as well.

(If nothing else, it'll keep her out of any future swaps that get organized.)

[Miss March]

I'm so sorry. I'm on the Yankee Candle facebook, and we occasionally get someone there who will offer to trade a much desired candle for a certain one that she wants. Inevitably, someone will mail her a candle and she'll either claim never to have gotten it, or she will just disappear. She shows up again about 6-8 months later and does it again to someone else. It sounds a lot like this-- "Gee, I live in an area where I can't find such and such. If you send it to me, I'll send you this great thing." So sad that she is scamming good people.

ETA: What helped was when people started sharing that this had happened. Her cover was blown. So yes, go ahead and publicly (on your board) mention that you sent her this package.

[emjo306]

I posted on the board yesterday, titled "Hey (name)!" and asked if she got the item she was asking for.  She hasn't responded but has been on the forum today.   

I am seriously baffled...this is a woman I have "known" for years, we're talking intimate life details here.  I really don't think she was trying to scam me, she's just being weird for some reason I don't understand.  Maybe she was upset/uncomfortable that I added extra items without mentioning it.  I know that she's a recently single mom with very little money, so maybe she feels like she can't reciprocate?  Either way, whatever game she's playing here is just plain rude.

[Doll Fiend]

On several boards that I am on that does sales/trades they have an area for feedback. Each person gets their own thread and people give their feedback, both good and bad. This is how we go about letting others know about any issues. (Say, slow to ship. Great communications. Nice freebies. Not as described.)

Public telling is always good.

[NotTheNarcissist]

You have gotten great advice here and I have nothing to add but my sympathy. I remember in the 80's mailing a wedding gift to a former co-worker out of state and never receiving acknowledgement that she got it. When I tracked it down, it had been signed for. Sad to think here I am 20+ yrs later remembering that.

[wyozozo]

I feel your pain. I sent a gift to an friend and she accepted delivery last week..........no, I've not heard from her, why do you ask?

[Mikayla]

I posted on the board yesterday, titled "Hey (name)!" and asked if she got the item she was asking for.  She hasn't responded but has been on the forum today.   

I am seriously baffled...this is a woman I have "known" for years, we're talking intimate life details here.  I really don't think she was trying to scam me, she's just being weird for some reason I don't understand.  Maybe she was upset/uncomfortable that I added extra items without mentioning it.  I know that she's a recently single mom with very little money, so maybe she feels like she can't reciprocate?  Either way, whatever game she's playing here is just plain rude.

I'm really sorry this is happening!  But I think your post was a little on the passive side.  I think you need to try again using the wording Toots supplied, and for the reasons she mentioned.  In smaller forums, these types of things have the potential to be really destructive.  In fact, I don't see any reason you couldn't put up the new post and end it by saying "If you don't respond to this, then I can only sadly assume you had no intention of reciprocating with the exchange.  And if that's the case, for the good of the forum,  I'd like to publically request that you not attempt another one. 

[smidget23]

Urgh! I was in a similar situation a few months ago. The differences were that in my case, I wasn't supposed to receive anything in return and I really was just wanting to check and make sure that the items had been delivered. The recipient eventually did respond, but it took them a few days. At this point, I would chalk it up as a lesson learned and scale back contact with that member. While it doesn't sound like this situation was endorsed by the forum and others may see it as crossing a line, I would also give the forum's powers-that-be a private heads up if there are ever any exchange events done between members.

[Breezygirl]

I belonged to a large forum with a gift exchange, this happened all the time. After a while they had to make rules like you had to be a member for so long, so many posts,  be a donating member, start a thread with a thank you within a certain time.....  Or the person would be banned. 

I had a member receive a gift box from me that I put a lot of thought into and cost around $200 and never receive a thank you it was very hurtful, so sending hugs to you.

Some forums do not allow requests like the one your friend requested for this reason. I hope you get a big thank you soon.

[Ms_Shell]

OP, could you PM someone who is close to her and ask if anything is going on?  On one hand, it seems a little gossipy to ask.  OTOH, that might be the only way you find out if something is going on that could be affecting her.  Either way, I would want to warn the other board members about her behavior somehow. 

[emjo306]

A final update:

I sent her a PM basically asking her what the heck was going on and that I thought that I at least deserved to have some acknowledgement of the items I had sent her even if she didn't plan to send anything back.  I told her I honestly didn't care if she didn't/couldn't reciprocate (and I don't) but I didn't deserve to be ignored.  I will admit, I didn't word things so politely and was a bit snarky in my response, which I'm not proud about.  I had planned to write a public thread about the whole incident if she didn't respond.

She PM'd me back the next day and apologized.  She said that she hadn't had time to respond, but that she really, really appreciated the gifts and she agreed that she should have responded earlier.  She said she would send what she had promised as soon as she had the money.  The same day she started a thread about the latest drama that's she's going through with child support/visitation with her ex (he's been a big time deadbeat). I responded and apologized for being snarky and that I understood she's going through a tough time right now.  I still think that she was rude to ignore me for over a week (if you've got time to update your facebook status you've got time to type "thanks!!", IMO), but it's over now. 

Thanks for your responses.  I think I've learned to stay away from these type of exchanges, because this wasn't the first time I've been "burned" and I just get too invested in it.  Her and I haven't interacted at all since the PMs but hopefully things won't be too awkward.

[Danika]

Any additional update? Did she ever send you anything?

[oz diva]

You have gotten great advice here and I have nothing to add but my sympathy. I remember in the 80's mailing a wedding gift to a former co-worker out of state and never receiving acknowledgement that she got it. When I tracked it down, it had been signed for. Sad to think here I am 20+ yrs later remembering that.

A similar thing happened to my Mum. She sent a cheque for several thousand dollars to a distant relative for their wedding present and heard nothing in reply. The cheque was cashed but not acknowledged. So rude.